I awoke with a shitty arsed hangover so had to go to Ngarua Caves feeling like crap. The caves were very interesting and our guide was brilliant telling us about the formation. I did get dripped on quite a lot from the stalactites, but it wasn’t too much so I can’t complain.After the caves it was back down Takaka hill (which was as difficult as going up) and into Richmond for more supplies. I went to the only bakers in the world that didn’t have any bread. With the recession and all, you’d think bakeries would do the utmost to stock what they’re supposed to.Another long drive along the motorway where we eventually stopped at a town called Murchison that appeared to be closed. After a little hunting we found our campsite (it wasn’t hard, it had a big sign outside saying campsite), and settled in for the night. This wasn’t before losing money in the pay showers (that I never got back) and then only just managing to get it working properly before my last 50c ran out.
SATURDAY 2ND MAY
Another cold night and so it was quickly up and showered and into the kitchen for a hearty breakfast before setting off to the west coast, and the town of Westport. Before we got to Westport, we stopped off at Buller Gorge to cross the longest rope bridge in New Zealand (for some inexplicable reason it cost me NZ$5 for the privilege) and then Louise and I did the tandem comet line (120yards long). Unbeknown to me I was in the child seat at the front as the other adult seat was being fixed. I soon realised, when the straps were tightened. The comet line wasn’t all that, but it was over a massive gorge and so therefore sounds a bit daring. After not getting a photo of our daring zip line escapade due to the girl fucking it up, we headed on to Westport.
For some reason, it seems to me that New Zealand is shutting down as Westport is like a ghost town. We don’t really know what to do so we head off further down the coast to Charleston.Charleston turns out to be even worse. I think there may only be twenty people in the whole town. It’s too late to go anywhere, so we hook up in a campsite for the night. A quick one in the pub (it turns out to be very quick as the landlord has all the charm and conversation of a stale piece of brie), and then it’s in the van to watch As Good As It Gets on the only TV channel that we can pick up; it is probably the longest film ever due to all the adverts, and Keanu Reeves inability to act. Mind you Jack Nicholson is ace, he’s just playing himself.
SUNDAY 3RD MAY
Today is a day of waiting around. Laura went off to do some cave based thing, so Louise and I headed back to Westport to wait. Being Sunday, there was even less to do than yesterday, and I thought that would be nigh on impossible. We did manage to get Sunday lunch, which was dispatched with aplomb. And then there was just more waiting. On the way into Westport town from either end there is a sign saying ‘if you want the Swiss Alps go to Queenstown. If you want New Zealand come to Westport,’ and ‘If you want England, go to Christchurch. If you want New Zealand ...................’ Now as far as I’m concerned, the Swiss Alps and England have a lot more to offer than Westport. So far as I can tell, nothing happens on the north part of the West Coast of New Zealand, hopefully this changes.On the way down the coast we stopped off at Punakaiki rock (also known as Pancake Rock due to them looking like stacks of the aforementioned). It was extremely cold, but we managed to see the blow holes at work. Essentially what happens is the sea swirls up so strongly that it forces the water out through holes at the top of the rock. It looks very impressive, but if you want to go make sure it’s high tide, otherwise you’ll miss it. We managed to survive the freezing winds and headed to Greymouth. After a look around the town we parked up in the local supermarket car park and tried to stay warm, as the cold weather’s not relenting.
MONDAY 4TH MAY
We’re becoming experts at surviving the cold (I feel this comment is going to come and bite me on the arse, and one night I will actually freeze to death). Because we’re spending a couple more nights on the road after tonight, we head to a campsite. It ends up being one of the most welcoming places we’ve stopped. The owner, because it’s off-season, lets us have free reign of the hostel as well as the campsite facilities, which is very considerate as it’s not the nicest of days and so we can sit inside in the warm.The evening takes us to Monteith’s brewery where we are given a tour. They show us how the beer’s made, and then it’s off to test them out. I taste seven beers in all, some good, some ok and some are lemon and lime flavoured, which by my rationale equates to a woman’s drink. The latter observation is met with mocking comments from the blokes who are enjoying it a little too much. Because I drank a fair bit I had to go to the toilet. When I got there I was met by three urinals that had been made from beer barrels (metal for sanitary purposes obviously). I must admit, I enjoy comedy toilets. This brings me to another restroom based enquiry. As men know (and probably some women), when you go to the toilet for a number one, sometimes you have individual urinals and sometimes you have a big metal trough. In both cases you know where to stand as its self explanatory. However since being in the colonies they have added a third type to confuse the relatively easy issue of taking a piss (as demonstrated by these pictures below)
Where should you stand?Do you stand on the grill, or do you stand back from it? What happens if you stand on the grill and it breaks?I only know the answer to the third question. You end up ankle deep in other men’s piss.
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