SUNDAY 8TH MARCH
It’s my 28th birthday today. I rang my mother at 09:30am South Australia time, so in England it was 23:00p.m, 7th March. As she has no concept of international time zones, she didn’t realise it was my birthday. When I told her, all she said was, ‘well it’s not the 8th here, and you were born in England not Australia.’ Fair enough, that’s me told.
The Adelaide Fringe is on here, it’s a bit like the Edinburgh Fringe, but with more Aussie’s if you can believe that. We went for a walk to check out some of the shows. Most of them have an entry fee, obviously, so it was the free shows for us. By free, I mean buskers and kid’s entertainment, which isn’t really something I’m bothered about. I suppose if you pay to see the acts on show it’ll be better, but as Louise and I are going to the races tomorrow, we can’t afford to do everything.
We got the tram down to Glenelg beach. It’s a nice sandy beach and it wasn’t too overcrowded. We didn’t have any bathers so it’s a bit of a moot point as we couldn’t go swimming. It was almost sunset, and that’s feeding time, so I definitely wouldn’t have gone anyway. Instead we walked along the pier, along with the things you expect to see such as people crab fishing; we also saw a group of teenager’s fish out a tandem from the sea!
Louise phoned her Dad and I got birthday wishes of him as it was now the 8th March back in England. That reminds me, I must get my Mother a map with lines of longitude and international time zones.
MONDAY 9TH MARCH
Today we’re off to the Adelaide Cup; although it’s not as big as the Melbourne Cup, it still justifies public holiday status in South Australia, so for that reason alone we went. To get to the track you have to take an AU$8 tram ride of around 6miles (9.5km). I was a little worried about my appearance as it was a big race day. Back home any big race meeting you have to go in your best clobber. Not Australia though, I was dressed in black combat pants and a shirt, these are the best clothes I own. At best I look like a tramp who’s just robbed a fresh bin bag of clothes from the doorstep of Dr. Barnado’s after the pissheads have been dressing up in them after a nights boozing.
Because I didn’t really get a birthday present yesterday, I was allowed a bet today. Normally I would have backed myself to pick a few winners, but we’re in Australia and it’s Grade 2 racing and there’s only one jockey I’ve heard of.
That said I got a few tips off a stranger whilst I was having breakfast. It didn’t help me as I didn’t back any of the horses he told me (the price was too short and I’m a gambler) and 3 out of 4 won. Never mind.
After a long afternoon there and losing around AU$100, we left. We were a little disappointed not to have won anything between us, but we budgeted to lose so it wasn’t a problem.
It was tea-time so we went to the casino for a AU$5 roast dinner. Whilst we were there I persuaded Louise to let me have another AU$20 on the roulette.
Within 5 spins of the wheel I had made back the money that we’d spent at the races. Not bad going, so for a whole day’s entertainment we had spent a grand total of AU$0. That’s exactly my kind of day: a free one.
TUESDAY 10TH MARCH
Today is the last day in the city for 9 days as we’re off to the ‘Red Centre’ on another tour. Because we had to get everything ready and believe it or not we’re still sticking to a budget, we spent most of the day in the hostel watching crap TV.
I found out to my disappointment that the cricket had been on at the Adelaide Oval over the weekend after being told by the staff in the hostel that it hadn’t. That was one of a couple of bug-bares I had with the hostel. I was also told by them that none of the fast food outlets (you know the ones) had free wi-fi, and so was conned out of AU$15 for web access. After it was too late, I found out that they did do it for free. Usually they’ll help you to find this sort of information as it’s makes a difference; this hostel wasn’t really into helping you though, they were just after a few more dollars from you, they even charged you a dollar for every bottle of beer you brought on the premises.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
The Great Ocean Road (05-07/03/09)
THURSDAY 5TH MARCH
Today we’re heading off to Adelaide on a 3 day road trip, so it should be fun. We left our hostel at 06:30a.m and got a tram to Melbourne Art Centre, which is adorned with a massive Eiffel tower lookalike.
We’re met by our guide for the trip, Dave. I should remember that, as not only is it my name but it’s also on his shirt in case I forget. It also turns out that we’re the only two blokes on the trip. There’s Louise (my fiancé), Tamsin (tiny, middle class), Alice (very middle class, what what.), Leoni (unusual name), Sophia (Leoni’s friend and fellow German) and (also German).
The first part of our journey is getting out of Melbourne and on to the Great Ocean Road. Dave manages it and we’re coasting along the GOR at a steady pace and we arrive at our first stop Lorne. Here we saw a few wild koalas and parrots. The parrots constantly attack you; even more so when your significant other puts sunflower seed in your (newly styled) hair. Louise said I looked a bit like a pirate. When I looked at the photos I thought I looked more like a mental person.
We stopped for lunch at Apollo Bay; a necessary stop as we had a flat tyre. While everyone went for some food I helped Dave change the tyre, and along with him I got totally shitted up.
A short drive along the coast (I say short, anything less than 200km I short) and we reach the 12 Apostles. It’s a ridiculously windy day, but it looks pretty awesome. Louise was going to pay for me to take a helicopter ride over the Apostles (of which there are only 8 still standing), but because I’m a wimp and I hate flying, I said no.
Further along the Great Ocean Road are the Bay of Islands, London Bridge and Loch Ard Gorge. Lots of limestone rocks in different shapes in the sea.
We travelled to Warrnambool where we stayed for the night. It’s a bit out of the town so we were isolated. I tried to do a bit of my blog, but travelling all day makes you feel like crap so I went to bed knackered.
FRIDAY 6TH MARCH
Early start number 2 of 3. I don’t do mornings so this is not good. Our first stop is a quick tour through Tower Hill where I saw some more Kangaroos, a case of overkill rather than road kill. Next up was Brambuk Aboriginal Centre. It’s a bit biased against the white man, but that’s to be expected. The Aboriginals did have it a bit shit for the best part of 200 years, so they have reason to be aggrieved. However, it doesn’t mean they’re 100% right, but it’s not my place to say.
The next stop off was McKenzie falls. It’s very beautiful to look at, but it’s a long way down; 264 steps down and then back up. Okay I’m a bit lazy but the two English are a bit keen; they zoomed back up the steps like they were on a route march. Fuck that, I’m on holiday; I’m not here to run around and be in places on time or stick to a schedule.
Having said that the next thing on the agenda is a hike. I’m not averse to doing them as I completed a few in Asia where the heat and humidity is awful. This one was spoilt because of the route marchers. They went off at a 100mph with no regard for anyone else. I thought the rule of hiking was you go at the slowest pace. Obviously they aren’t bothered about anyone else.
We picked up another driver on the way, Sean. He is going to take us on the last leg of the tour to Adelaide. First we have to spend the night in Naracoorte, at Dave’s house/hostel. We were fed and watered by his wife Sonia and then spent an hour in the pub. On passing the pub we walked past another Drive-thru bottle. This is the without a doubt still the most irresponsible thing I’ve seen in my life.
SATURDAY 7TH MARCH
Today is the final early start before we arrive in Adelaide. Our first stop is Naracoorte caves. I’ve never really done caving before so this should be fun. There were eight little challenges to do, and all of them involved crawling through tiny holes without getting stuck. I successfully negotiated three and got stuck in one, so it wasn’t a bad effort. There was a 6ft 5in Dutch lad who almost never got out of a crevasse. He was as thin as a rake and he struggled to get through. If I’d have attempted it I think I’d still be there right now.
We went back to town and went shopping for some lunch. There I bumped into Libby, Jo from Tasmania’s cousin. I only know 6 people in Australia so it was a bit of a surprise when I saw her. What are the chances?
We said our goodbye’s to Dave and his family as he was staying at home for the last leg and we headed to Adelaide. The last stop on the journey was another vineyard where I didn’t taste any wine because I don’t have any sophistication; I’d rather have a beer any day.
The final drive was over three hours and there wasn’t much to see, I did see a bus with Korean Presbyterian Church of Adelaide plastered on the side. Now if that isn’t a small catchment then I don’t know what is.
We made it to our hostel, dropped our bags off and headed for town to meet the gang. Only the German girls and Sean turned up, it wasn’t really a surprise as the other two weren’t really in to drinking or socialising with working class people.
I had a few drinks and then a few more after midnight as it was my 28th birthday. I can’t remember much more as I’d had my fill and was pretty tired.
Today we’re heading off to Adelaide on a 3 day road trip, so it should be fun. We left our hostel at 06:30a.m and got a tram to Melbourne Art Centre, which is adorned with a massive Eiffel tower lookalike.
We’re met by our guide for the trip, Dave. I should remember that, as not only is it my name but it’s also on his shirt in case I forget. It also turns out that we’re the only two blokes on the trip. There’s Louise (my fiancé), Tamsin (tiny, middle class), Alice (very middle class, what what.), Leoni (unusual name), Sophia (Leoni’s friend and fellow German) and (also German).
The first part of our journey is getting out of Melbourne and on to the Great Ocean Road. Dave manages it and we’re coasting along the GOR at a steady pace and we arrive at our first stop Lorne. Here we saw a few wild koalas and parrots. The parrots constantly attack you; even more so when your significant other puts sunflower seed in your (newly styled) hair. Louise said I looked a bit like a pirate. When I looked at the photos I thought I looked more like a mental person.
We stopped for lunch at Apollo Bay; a necessary stop as we had a flat tyre. While everyone went for some food I helped Dave change the tyre, and along with him I got totally shitted up.
A short drive along the coast (I say short, anything less than 200km I short) and we reach the 12 Apostles. It’s a ridiculously windy day, but it looks pretty awesome. Louise was going to pay for me to take a helicopter ride over the Apostles (of which there are only 8 still standing), but because I’m a wimp and I hate flying, I said no.
Further along the Great Ocean Road are the Bay of Islands, London Bridge and Loch Ard Gorge. Lots of limestone rocks in different shapes in the sea.
We travelled to Warrnambool where we stayed for the night. It’s a bit out of the town so we were isolated. I tried to do a bit of my blog, but travelling all day makes you feel like crap so I went to bed knackered.
FRIDAY 6TH MARCH
Early start number 2 of 3. I don’t do mornings so this is not good. Our first stop is a quick tour through Tower Hill where I saw some more Kangaroos, a case of overkill rather than road kill. Next up was Brambuk Aboriginal Centre. It’s a bit biased against the white man, but that’s to be expected. The Aboriginals did have it a bit shit for the best part of 200 years, so they have reason to be aggrieved. However, it doesn’t mean they’re 100% right, but it’s not my place to say.
The next stop off was McKenzie falls. It’s very beautiful to look at, but it’s a long way down; 264 steps down and then back up. Okay I’m a bit lazy but the two English are a bit keen; they zoomed back up the steps like they were on a route march. Fuck that, I’m on holiday; I’m not here to run around and be in places on time or stick to a schedule.
Having said that the next thing on the agenda is a hike. I’m not averse to doing them as I completed a few in Asia where the heat and humidity is awful. This one was spoilt because of the route marchers. They went off at a 100mph with no regard for anyone else. I thought the rule of hiking was you go at the slowest pace. Obviously they aren’t bothered about anyone else.
We picked up another driver on the way, Sean. He is going to take us on the last leg of the tour to Adelaide. First we have to spend the night in Naracoorte, at Dave’s house/hostel. We were fed and watered by his wife Sonia and then spent an hour in the pub. On passing the pub we walked past another Drive-thru bottle. This is the without a doubt still the most irresponsible thing I’ve seen in my life.
SATURDAY 7TH MARCH
Today is the final early start before we arrive in Adelaide. Our first stop is Naracoorte caves. I’ve never really done caving before so this should be fun. There were eight little challenges to do, and all of them involved crawling through tiny holes without getting stuck. I successfully negotiated three and got stuck in one, so it wasn’t a bad effort. There was a 6ft 5in Dutch lad who almost never got out of a crevasse. He was as thin as a rake and he struggled to get through. If I’d have attempted it I think I’d still be there right now.
We went back to town and went shopping for some lunch. There I bumped into Libby, Jo from Tasmania’s cousin. I only know 6 people in Australia so it was a bit of a surprise when I saw her. What are the chances?
We said our goodbye’s to Dave and his family as he was staying at home for the last leg and we headed to Adelaide. The last stop on the journey was another vineyard where I didn’t taste any wine because I don’t have any sophistication; I’d rather have a beer any day.
The final drive was over three hours and there wasn’t much to see, I did see a bus with Korean Presbyterian Church of Adelaide plastered on the side. Now if that isn’t a small catchment then I don’t know what is.
We made it to our hostel, dropped our bags off and headed for town to meet the gang. Only the German girls and Sean turned up, it wasn’t really a surprise as the other two weren’t really in to drinking or socialising with working class people.
I had a few drinks and then a few more after midnight as it was my 28th birthday. I can’t remember much more as I’d had my fill and was pretty tired.
Penguins: They're Not Just Chocolate Biscuits (03-04/03/09)
TUESDAY 3RD MARCH
Today we’re going to Phillip Island to see the ‘World Famous Penguin Parade’; they’re world famous because they’re only about 12-14 inches tall and that’s tiny, even for a penguin.
On the way we visit Gurdies vineyard, so named because a Hurdy Gurdy (merry-go-round) fell in a ditch and was stuck there for about 3 years. The Aussies are really imaginative with the naming of stuff!
Next up was Maru Wildlife Park. Hurray. At last, after 2 and a half weeks I get to see some of Australia’s indigenous wildlife, and they’re alive. Wallabies, Kangaroos (including 4 albinos), Tasmanian Devils and Emu’s: despite what many people think Emu’s are not blue and orange like the one Rod Hull had. And while we’re on the subject cows aren’t purple as some people believe i.e. the Dutch who have never been out if the city.
We arrived on the island around 16:00p.m and headed for Woolamire beach. Here we hoped to see some seals and get a sneak preview of the penguins: the ones at the opposite side of the island don’t come up until dusk. We didn’t see any seals and there were only a few penguins seen, as most of them were hiding in their nests.
After the biggest and saltiest bag of chips ever we headed off to the main ‘Penguin Parade.’ The weather had been pretty kind to us so far, although it had been pretty grey the rain had stayed away, but when it comes to standing outside on the beach the heavens opened. We waited patiently for the penguins to surf on to the beach (They really do surf!). Firstly two or three of the ‘Generals’ come on the beach and have a bit of a look around. When they see it’s all clear, they give the signal and the rest of the group come waddling along the beach. It’s one of the funniest things ever to watch, the penguins are going as fast as they can, some of them fall over; others just keep their heads down and go as fast as they can to their burrows. This happens for about an hour or so with each group sending out the leaders and then following when the coast is clear, literally. At one point there was a kangaroo hopping along the bank (Typical, I waited 16 days to see a live ‘roo and then after seeing about 40 at Maru I then see a wild one at night.), unsure what to do next all the penguins just freeze, hoping they won’t be seen. They must be used to the tourists as there were 60 of us sat at the beach waiting for them to come out of the sea and only one out of 400 even stopped to have a look. You’re not allowed to photograph or film them as the flash scares them; we did try sans flash but got caught and severely reprimanded by the ranger. The pictures didn’t come out very well in the end so the bollocking was without reward.
WEDNESDAY 4TH MARCH
Today was our last day in Melbourne and it pissed down all day so we stayed in, watched crap TV and ate crap food. The lad who put the window through still doesn’t know how he did it.
Today we’re going to Phillip Island to see the ‘World Famous Penguin Parade’; they’re world famous because they’re only about 12-14 inches tall and that’s tiny, even for a penguin.
On the way we visit Gurdies vineyard, so named because a Hurdy Gurdy (merry-go-round) fell in a ditch and was stuck there for about 3 years. The Aussies are really imaginative with the naming of stuff!
Next up was Maru Wildlife Park. Hurray. At last, after 2 and a half weeks I get to see some of Australia’s indigenous wildlife, and they’re alive. Wallabies, Kangaroos (including 4 albinos), Tasmanian Devils and Emu’s: despite what many people think Emu’s are not blue and orange like the one Rod Hull had. And while we’re on the subject cows aren’t purple as some people believe i.e. the Dutch who have never been out if the city.
We arrived on the island around 16:00p.m and headed for Woolamire beach. Here we hoped to see some seals and get a sneak preview of the penguins: the ones at the opposite side of the island don’t come up until dusk. We didn’t see any seals and there were only a few penguins seen, as most of them were hiding in their nests.
After the biggest and saltiest bag of chips ever we headed off to the main ‘Penguin Parade.’ The weather had been pretty kind to us so far, although it had been pretty grey the rain had stayed away, but when it comes to standing outside on the beach the heavens opened. We waited patiently for the penguins to surf on to the beach (They really do surf!). Firstly two or three of the ‘Generals’ come on the beach and have a bit of a look around. When they see it’s all clear, they give the signal and the rest of the group come waddling along the beach. It’s one of the funniest things ever to watch, the penguins are going as fast as they can, some of them fall over; others just keep their heads down and go as fast as they can to their burrows. This happens for about an hour or so with each group sending out the leaders and then following when the coast is clear, literally. At one point there was a kangaroo hopping along the bank (Typical, I waited 16 days to see a live ‘roo and then after seeing about 40 at Maru I then see a wild one at night.), unsure what to do next all the penguins just freeze, hoping they won’t be seen. They must be used to the tourists as there were 60 of us sat at the beach waiting for them to come out of the sea and only one out of 400 even stopped to have a look. You’re not allowed to photograph or film them as the flash scares them; we did try sans flash but got caught and severely reprimanded by the ranger. The pictures didn’t come out very well in the end so the bollocking was without reward.
WEDNESDAY 4TH MARCH
Today was our last day in Melbourne and it pissed down all day so we stayed in, watched crap TV and ate crap food. The lad who put the window through still doesn’t know how he did it.
Aussie Rules!?! (01-02/03/09)
SUNDAY 1ST MARCH
HANGOVER ALERT! We’re up at 07:00a.m and I’m dying. We head to Hobart International (sic) Airport. We arrive and drop the hire car off and go to check-in. The staff were a pain in the arse and didn’t do anything to make it easy. Although you can’t take liquids over 100ml on international flights, you are allowed on internal flights, so what’s the difference? Are internal flights super-safe and un-crashable whereas international ones aren’t? After getting worked up, swearing a bit and getting beer sweats we went through to the departure lounge. It’s rubbish, there’s nowhere to get anything to eat or drink other than the solitary monopolising shop, where drinks are at least AU$7. I did, however, see on the news that there had been another shark attack near Sydney. I’m still not going in the water here. That’s the third attack in 3 weeks.
After a 50 minute flight we land in Melbourne, home to AFL, Neighbours, Shane Warne and lots of trams. We immediately got confused and couldn’t find the right bus into the city. After asking a few people, and getting nowhere, we chanced our arm and guessed. Luckily for us, we guessed right.
As everyone might know, I hate buses and bus journeys. This is because the driver is usually a complete arse. I suppose, I’d be an arse if I was an airport bus driver, driving foreigners – most of whom are pig-ignorant after a long-haul flight- around all day. However, this journey was ace. The driver was very helpful, polite, and funny, but only with us. Everyone else got the usual treatment, we must have got lucky because we were polite and having a joke and a laugh with him. As the saying goes if ‘A smile goes a long way,’ having a laugh must travel for light years.
We arrive at the hostel and we are greeted by a bloke named Pat. He must be gay because he’s camper than a row of tents. We’re shown to our room, dump our stuff and head for the town centre.
We mooch around for a couple of hours and see a lot of trams and trains. It’s a bit like stepping back in time, a time where rail, whether it be train or tram was King. It’s a magical thing to see, there aren’t many big cities (Manchester and Amsterdam excluded) where trams are in charge and are the best and most economical way of getting around. You couldn’t imagine it on the streets’ of London or New York.
When we get near to the main station, there are hundreds of footy fans heading towards the Etihad Stadium (formerly Telstra Dome). We didn’t know there was a game on today, we should have guessed though as this is Melbourne and Aussie Rules rules. We ask a couple what time the game starts, and after 20 minutes of dithering we finally head towards the stadium.
To get in it costs AU$15 (£7) each, that’s incredibly cheap even if it is only pre-season. In England a friendly involving a third tier football club will cost you at least a tenner and they’re usually dross, this is top standard AFL. AFL is a family experience and as it’s pre-season we’re allowed to sit anywhere (There is no segregation of fans. Apart from the Merseyside derby this doesn’t happen in English football), except the private bar area (these tickets were only AU$5 (£2.30) more). We settle in, second tier, just behind the goals.
I haven’t watched AFL seriously ever in my life; as a 10 year old my only foreign sports broadcasts came courtesy of Channel 4’s Saturday morning show Trans World Sports and so as far as I remember Aussie Rules is an 18-a-side brawl with lots of kicking; just don’t tell the Victorians I think this way. I hope to pick the rules up again fairly quickly as Louise is completely baffled by them and I’ve got to try to somehow explain. At least it’ll be easier than explaining cricket to an American!
As it’s pre-season the teams battle out for the NAB Cup. It’s a little bit like the Community Shield (in my house it’s still the Charity Shield), where teams don’t always put out there best side but winning it gives you bragging rights. 12 of the 16 teams in the AFL are based in and around the Melbourne area, so there are plenty of rivalries and plenty of big gates; the MCG gets over 100 000 when certain matches are played there.
Our first taste of live AFL is the second round NAB Cup match between Carlton Blues and Hawthorn Hawks. Hawthorn are reigning AFL champions, it shows, and they get off to a blistering start, they’re kicking goals (6pts) from everywhere and The Navy Blues can only respond with behinds (1pt). At the end of the first half Hawthorn is in front 0.7.8 (50)-1.4.8 (41)
The second half is a complete contrast and Carlton (who are at home), after getting some gyp from their fans, turn the game on its head and kick goals for fun and even get a couple of Supergoals (9pts) for good measure. Hawthorn can’t compete; even though it’s only pre-season they get beat up and Carlton run out winners 2.13.16 (112)-2.10.10 (88).
After the game finished we went to the casino. It’s huge, there’s so much to do and so many ways to lose your money. Whilst walking through we witnessed a blatant ‘The Price Is Right’ rip-off, called ‘The Price Is Right.’ Hosted on this occasion, not by Leslie Crowther (or Bob Barker if you’re from the USA), but by a twat in a grey suit who had the personality of a block of cheese. To compensate for his camembert personality he did had a couple of lovelies with him. They did however look like they’d been ‘Tango’d’ to within an inch of their life. The fella who was chosen had no concept of the game or money so didn’t win the AU$50 000 prize. Instead he got AU$1 000 and a kettle worth AU$24. I bet the cash would have lasted him all of 10 minutes on the Blackjack tables. I lost AU$50 in 4 spins on the roulette table so that was the end of the gambling for me.
On the way back to the hostel we stayed on the tram too long and ended up in St. Kilda, where we witnessed a mental woman smash a bottle on a lamp post and try and glass the bloke she was with. When I walked past she was screaming blue murder at him and asked me for help. I told her no. She then started having a go at me calling me a bad citizen. She was a bit to ‘chicken oriental.’ I just said to her, ‘Don’t have a go at me I’m English,’ and wandered on. She then rang the Copper’s trying to pin a load of shit on the bloke, who as far as we could see had done nothing wrong.
What a first day in Melbourne! I wonder if it’s always like this.
MONDAY 2ND MARCH
After an action packed day yesterday, today we opted for a nice relaxing walk around the city centre. We saw some of that city art and I don’t really see the attraction. To my unsophisticated eyes it looks like a piece of junk. A seven year old could knock together something of that level with chewed up Stickle Bricks.
I was after getting a haircut, as the £4 one I got in Thailand was looking a bit of a mess. I got one, it cost me AU$30 and that made it the most expensive haircut I’ve ever had. That bit I wasn’t really bothered about, it was the fact that she said I was going bald and what hair I did have was curly. Ok, so I am thinning a bit on my crown, but I definitely do not have curly hair. Curly hair is what devil kids have.
We spent the evening chilling out watching a couple of films and interwebbing. Before I went to bed a couple of the lads were outside playing croquet and one of them somehow managed to knock a croquet ball through a window 10 feet up. Correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t croquet a lawn game?
HANGOVER ALERT! We’re up at 07:00a.m and I’m dying. We head to Hobart International (sic) Airport. We arrive and drop the hire car off and go to check-in. The staff were a pain in the arse and didn’t do anything to make it easy. Although you can’t take liquids over 100ml on international flights, you are allowed on internal flights, so what’s the difference? Are internal flights super-safe and un-crashable whereas international ones aren’t? After getting worked up, swearing a bit and getting beer sweats we went through to the departure lounge. It’s rubbish, there’s nowhere to get anything to eat or drink other than the solitary monopolising shop, where drinks are at least AU$7. I did, however, see on the news that there had been another shark attack near Sydney. I’m still not going in the water here. That’s the third attack in 3 weeks.
After a 50 minute flight we land in Melbourne, home to AFL, Neighbours, Shane Warne and lots of trams. We immediately got confused and couldn’t find the right bus into the city. After asking a few people, and getting nowhere, we chanced our arm and guessed. Luckily for us, we guessed right.
As everyone might know, I hate buses and bus journeys. This is because the driver is usually a complete arse. I suppose, I’d be an arse if I was an airport bus driver, driving foreigners – most of whom are pig-ignorant after a long-haul flight- around all day. However, this journey was ace. The driver was very helpful, polite, and funny, but only with us. Everyone else got the usual treatment, we must have got lucky because we were polite and having a joke and a laugh with him. As the saying goes if ‘A smile goes a long way,’ having a laugh must travel for light years.
We arrive at the hostel and we are greeted by a bloke named Pat. He must be gay because he’s camper than a row of tents. We’re shown to our room, dump our stuff and head for the town centre.
We mooch around for a couple of hours and see a lot of trams and trains. It’s a bit like stepping back in time, a time where rail, whether it be train or tram was King. It’s a magical thing to see, there aren’t many big cities (Manchester and Amsterdam excluded) where trams are in charge and are the best and most economical way of getting around. You couldn’t imagine it on the streets’ of London or New York.
When we get near to the main station, there are hundreds of footy fans heading towards the Etihad Stadium (formerly Telstra Dome). We didn’t know there was a game on today, we should have guessed though as this is Melbourne and Aussie Rules rules. We ask a couple what time the game starts, and after 20 minutes of dithering we finally head towards the stadium.
To get in it costs AU$15 (£7) each, that’s incredibly cheap even if it is only pre-season. In England a friendly involving a third tier football club will cost you at least a tenner and they’re usually dross, this is top standard AFL. AFL is a family experience and as it’s pre-season we’re allowed to sit anywhere (There is no segregation of fans. Apart from the Merseyside derby this doesn’t happen in English football), except the private bar area (these tickets were only AU$5 (£2.30) more). We settle in, second tier, just behind the goals.
I haven’t watched AFL seriously ever in my life; as a 10 year old my only foreign sports broadcasts came courtesy of Channel 4’s Saturday morning show Trans World Sports and so as far as I remember Aussie Rules is an 18-a-side brawl with lots of kicking; just don’t tell the Victorians I think this way. I hope to pick the rules up again fairly quickly as Louise is completely baffled by them and I’ve got to try to somehow explain. At least it’ll be easier than explaining cricket to an American!
As it’s pre-season the teams battle out for the NAB Cup. It’s a little bit like the Community Shield (in my house it’s still the Charity Shield), where teams don’t always put out there best side but winning it gives you bragging rights. 12 of the 16 teams in the AFL are based in and around the Melbourne area, so there are plenty of rivalries and plenty of big gates; the MCG gets over 100 000 when certain matches are played there.
Our first taste of live AFL is the second round NAB Cup match between Carlton Blues and Hawthorn Hawks. Hawthorn are reigning AFL champions, it shows, and they get off to a blistering start, they’re kicking goals (6pts) from everywhere and The Navy Blues can only respond with behinds (1pt). At the end of the first half Hawthorn is in front 0.7.8 (50)-1.4.8 (41)
The second half is a complete contrast and Carlton (who are at home), after getting some gyp from their fans, turn the game on its head and kick goals for fun and even get a couple of Supergoals (9pts) for good measure. Hawthorn can’t compete; even though it’s only pre-season they get beat up and Carlton run out winners 2.13.16 (112)-2.10.10 (88).
After the game finished we went to the casino. It’s huge, there’s so much to do and so many ways to lose your money. Whilst walking through we witnessed a blatant ‘The Price Is Right’ rip-off, called ‘The Price Is Right.’ Hosted on this occasion, not by Leslie Crowther (or Bob Barker if you’re from the USA), but by a twat in a grey suit who had the personality of a block of cheese. To compensate for his camembert personality he did had a couple of lovelies with him. They did however look like they’d been ‘Tango’d’ to within an inch of their life. The fella who was chosen had no concept of the game or money so didn’t win the AU$50 000 prize. Instead he got AU$1 000 and a kettle worth AU$24. I bet the cash would have lasted him all of 10 minutes on the Blackjack tables. I lost AU$50 in 4 spins on the roulette table so that was the end of the gambling for me.
On the way back to the hostel we stayed on the tram too long and ended up in St. Kilda, where we witnessed a mental woman smash a bottle on a lamp post and try and glass the bloke she was with. When I walked past she was screaming blue murder at him and asked me for help. I told her no. She then started having a go at me calling me a bad citizen. She was a bit to ‘chicken oriental.’ I just said to her, ‘Don’t have a go at me I’m English,’ and wandered on. She then rang the Copper’s trying to pin a load of shit on the bloke, who as far as we could see had done nothing wrong.
What a first day in Melbourne! I wonder if it’s always like this.
MONDAY 2ND MARCH
After an action packed day yesterday, today we opted for a nice relaxing walk around the city centre. We saw some of that city art and I don’t really see the attraction. To my unsophisticated eyes it looks like a piece of junk. A seven year old could knock together something of that level with chewed up Stickle Bricks.
I was after getting a haircut, as the £4 one I got in Thailand was looking a bit of a mess. I got one, it cost me AU$30 and that made it the most expensive haircut I’ve ever had. That bit I wasn’t really bothered about, it was the fact that she said I was going bald and what hair I did have was curly. Ok, so I am thinning a bit on my crown, but I definitely do not have curly hair. Curly hair is what devil kids have.
We spent the evening chilling out watching a couple of films and interwebbing. Before I went to bed a couple of the lads were outside playing croquet and one of them somehow managed to knock a croquet ball through a window 10 feet up. Correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t croquet a lawn game?
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Isn't That Like Narnia? (25-28/02/09)
WEDNESDAY 25TH FEBRUARY
Today we left Wynyard and headed south to the capital of Tasmania, Hobart. We have one night in the city, after which we head to the stick, Campania to be exact, to visit a friend of Louise's who she stayed with four years ago.
In Tasmania nearly all the main roads head to Hobart, so getting there was rather easy. The main road between Launceston and Hobart is through endless fields and part large mountain ranges. It’s a beautiful scene and a pleasant drive. There’s also very little traffic until you reach Hobart so this adds to the plus side of travelling large distances.
We arrived at our hostel around 18:00p.m and went straight out. We’re only in the city for one night so to help our next visit we did a quick recce of the area ready for the next time. We walked through the town and as it was 19:00p.m most of the shops were closed and the area was pretty desolate. Hobart isn’t a 24 hour city.
We went back to the hostel and with very little to do because we were leaving in the morning to head to the sticks, we sat and had a few drinks. Firstly we had to get some beer from the bottle shop. The bottle shop we went to was a drive-through. If that’s not the most irresponsible way to sell alcohol then I don’t know what is.
THURSDAY 26TH FEBRUARY
We checked out of the hostel at 10:00a.m and headed into town, hoping we would see a little more than last night. The town centre reminds me of a small city in England; maybe Nottingham, so all we did was wander and buy some essentials and waited for a call from Jo; she is going to be our host for the next few days.
Around 16:00p.m we got a phone call from Jo and headed out into the sticks. Louise and Jo worked together in England and it has been four years since they’ve seen each other, so it will be a little strange for them both. We have to get there first and this involves Louise listening to me whilst I navigate. This doesn’t happen and we miss the turn-off and end up going 10 miles the wrong way, before we get lucky and find a sign saying Richmond, which is the town before our destination of Campania. It has the same name as a region of Southern Italy, but it sounds like a place that C.S. Lewis would have used in one of his Narnia Chronicles.
After an hour or so we got to Campania and headed straight for the local (and only) pub to meet Jo. I eventually got to meet Jo and put a face to a name after years of Louise’s stories. If I’d have compiled an e-fit and written one paragraph about her, I would have been more than 80% right. In between stories and beer we all got (re)acquainted and had a good night. We went back to Jo’s house and had a barbecue Aussie style and met her boyfriend Luke and permanently pissed housemate Mick. A few more light ales later and we retired to bed, a little light-headed and relishing a decent night’s sleep.
FRIDAY 27TH FEBRUARY
Today we’re off to Port Arthur. Port Arthur was the former convict settlement where the British government sent reoffending British and Irish criminals. It was also used for rebellious prisoners from other jails in Australia and was the strictest and most secure prison in the British Empire, based on an ideology of Pentonville prison London. The building’s in the national park have been maintained very well and most of them you’re able to enter and explore the history a lot deeper; all of them we went to had good and relevant information on what had happened and when.
After a long day at PA we went back to C.S. Lewisland and met up with Jo and her cousin Matthew; a 6ft 6in giant of a man, and headed to the casino in Hobart: Australia is obsessed with gambling, the casino here is the meeting point for most people on a weekend so you can’t get away from it.
We spent the whole evening at the casino; me and Louise had AU$50 each, I lost and Louise more than doubled up. The rest of the night was spent watching sport and drinking before heading back out to Campania.
SATURDAY 28th FEBRUARY
We visited Salamanca market; it’s set by the harbour in Hobart and is supposedly one of the things Hobart is famous for, even though I’d never heard of it before. We walked around the market looking for tat and tit-bits that might brighten up our home (if we ever go back). There was a nice picture of the harbour with Mt. Wellington in the background (we didn’t go up Mt. Wellington as it was foggy during our stay.) that we decided to purchase for a very reasonable AU$4.
Across from the market, moored in the harbour, was the environmental anti-whaling conservation ship, the Sea Shepherd Steve Irwin. It had just come back from Operation Migaloo, where it had been in the Australian Antarctic Territory trying to intervene Japanese whaling fleets who were hunting Humpback and Fin whales. We went on an hour long free tour, where our guide explained what they had done. The expedition itself was very successful with the ‘Steve Irwin’ holding the Japanese catch to 500 less than previously. Almost the entire crew are volunteers and so it is a very commendable job that they do.
I’m not a hippy or a massive conservationist, I don’t mind where my food comes from to a degree, as I’m not rich or well-off in the slightest and I don’t have the option. My opinion is it’s only people that live in Royal Berkshire and Surrey who can afford to eat free range organic food. You don’t see hoards of people who live on council estates throughout Britain marching on Downing St. with petitions against supermarkets’ treatment of battery chickens. No it’s just celebrity chefs with a few million quid in the bank who can afford eggs at £10-a-dozen. Less well-off people just want to eat, so battery farms are the order of the day as far as that’s concerned, until the governments do something to change the price-fixing as far as moral shopping is concerned.
The early evening we went for fresh fish and chips. Absolutely delightful. We were joined by Jo’s twin brother Luke and their cousins Matthew and Libby and a couple of other relatives, though unfortunately I can’t remember their names, but I do know they were sound.
We headed back to Campania and spent the next five hours getting drunk and playing pool with the locals. Apart from that I can’t remember much as it was late and I’m afraid I was very, very drunk (read this in the style of Rowley Birkin QC the incoherent retired barrister from The Fast Show).
Today we left Wynyard and headed south to the capital of Tasmania, Hobart. We have one night in the city, after which we head to the stick, Campania to be exact, to visit a friend of Louise's who she stayed with four years ago.
In Tasmania nearly all the main roads head to Hobart, so getting there was rather easy. The main road between Launceston and Hobart is through endless fields and part large mountain ranges. It’s a beautiful scene and a pleasant drive. There’s also very little traffic until you reach Hobart so this adds to the plus side of travelling large distances.
We arrived at our hostel around 18:00p.m and went straight out. We’re only in the city for one night so to help our next visit we did a quick recce of the area ready for the next time. We walked through the town and as it was 19:00p.m most of the shops were closed and the area was pretty desolate. Hobart isn’t a 24 hour city.
We went back to the hostel and with very little to do because we were leaving in the morning to head to the sticks, we sat and had a few drinks. Firstly we had to get some beer from the bottle shop. The bottle shop we went to was a drive-through. If that’s not the most irresponsible way to sell alcohol then I don’t know what is.
THURSDAY 26TH FEBRUARY
We checked out of the hostel at 10:00a.m and headed into town, hoping we would see a little more than last night. The town centre reminds me of a small city in England; maybe Nottingham, so all we did was wander and buy some essentials and waited for a call from Jo; she is going to be our host for the next few days.
Around 16:00p.m we got a phone call from Jo and headed out into the sticks. Louise and Jo worked together in England and it has been four years since they’ve seen each other, so it will be a little strange for them both. We have to get there first and this involves Louise listening to me whilst I navigate. This doesn’t happen and we miss the turn-off and end up going 10 miles the wrong way, before we get lucky and find a sign saying Richmond, which is the town before our destination of Campania. It has the same name as a region of Southern Italy, but it sounds like a place that C.S. Lewis would have used in one of his Narnia Chronicles.
After an hour or so we got to Campania and headed straight for the local (and only) pub to meet Jo. I eventually got to meet Jo and put a face to a name after years of Louise’s stories. If I’d have compiled an e-fit and written one paragraph about her, I would have been more than 80% right. In between stories and beer we all got (re)acquainted and had a good night. We went back to Jo’s house and had a barbecue Aussie style and met her boyfriend Luke and permanently pissed housemate Mick. A few more light ales later and we retired to bed, a little light-headed and relishing a decent night’s sleep.
FRIDAY 27TH FEBRUARY
Today we’re off to Port Arthur. Port Arthur was the former convict settlement where the British government sent reoffending British and Irish criminals. It was also used for rebellious prisoners from other jails in Australia and was the strictest and most secure prison in the British Empire, based on an ideology of Pentonville prison London. The building’s in the national park have been maintained very well and most of them you’re able to enter and explore the history a lot deeper; all of them we went to had good and relevant information on what had happened and when.
After a long day at PA we went back to C.S. Lewisland and met up with Jo and her cousin Matthew; a 6ft 6in giant of a man, and headed to the casino in Hobart: Australia is obsessed with gambling, the casino here is the meeting point for most people on a weekend so you can’t get away from it.
We spent the whole evening at the casino; me and Louise had AU$50 each, I lost and Louise more than doubled up. The rest of the night was spent watching sport and drinking before heading back out to Campania.
SATURDAY 28th FEBRUARY
We visited Salamanca market; it’s set by the harbour in Hobart and is supposedly one of the things Hobart is famous for, even though I’d never heard of it before. We walked around the market looking for tat and tit-bits that might brighten up our home (if we ever go back). There was a nice picture of the harbour with Mt. Wellington in the background (we didn’t go up Mt. Wellington as it was foggy during our stay.) that we decided to purchase for a very reasonable AU$4.
Across from the market, moored in the harbour, was the environmental anti-whaling conservation ship, the Sea Shepherd Steve Irwin. It had just come back from Operation Migaloo, where it had been in the Australian Antarctic Territory trying to intervene Japanese whaling fleets who were hunting Humpback and Fin whales. We went on an hour long free tour, where our guide explained what they had done. The expedition itself was very successful with the ‘Steve Irwin’ holding the Japanese catch to 500 less than previously. Almost the entire crew are volunteers and so it is a very commendable job that they do.
I’m not a hippy or a massive conservationist, I don’t mind where my food comes from to a degree, as I’m not rich or well-off in the slightest and I don’t have the option. My opinion is it’s only people that live in Royal Berkshire and Surrey who can afford to eat free range organic food. You don’t see hoards of people who live on council estates throughout Britain marching on Downing St. with petitions against supermarkets’ treatment of battery chickens. No it’s just celebrity chefs with a few million quid in the bank who can afford eggs at £10-a-dozen. Less well-off people just want to eat, so battery farms are the order of the day as far as that’s concerned, until the governments do something to change the price-fixing as far as moral shopping is concerned.
The early evening we went for fresh fish and chips. Absolutely delightful. We were joined by Jo’s twin brother Luke and their cousins Matthew and Libby and a couple of other relatives, though unfortunately I can’t remember their names, but I do know they were sound.
We headed back to Campania and spent the next five hours getting drunk and playing pool with the locals. Apart from that I can’t remember much as it was late and I’m afraid I was very, very drunk (read this in the style of Rowley Birkin QC the incoherent retired barrister from The Fast Show).
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