NEW ZEALAND STARTS
FRIDAY 17TH APRIL
On landing in Christchurch we zoomed straight through customs no problem, and then it was straight on the phone to the campervan company who came to fetch us without delay.After spending over an hour ironing out the minute details in the contract, we were away. This is it six months living on the road (sometimes literally) in a campervan; that at some point will somehow be sleeping four grown adults. I don’t care, and neither does Louise. It’s gonna be fun as this is what I’ve been looking forward to the most on the entire trip. In the van we have four of each piece of crockery and cutlery: 4 knives, 4 forks, 4 dessert spoons, 4 tea spoons, 4 bowls, 4 cups, 4 beakers and 4 wine glasses. There’s a fridge that you can run off the mains and battery (but not for too long), a microwave (mains only), a grill, two hobs, an electric kettle, a gas kettle (an essential that I will guard with my life because NZ is cold so we’ll need tea and lots of it). There’s a lot of empty space underneath stuff that will soon be filled, no doubt, with tins of food and clothes and stuff. We’ve been given a shed load of blankets and quilts to combat the cold; even the woman at the hire centre said we’re brave doing this in winter. We’ve also got an esky bin that will be used for chilling drinks as the fridge is for food only. Louise and I have also agreed on a ‘no shoes’ policy in the van because it’s so wet, and we’ve also agreed to take the bed down every morning, but we’ll see how long that lasts. The next two hours were spent in the super discount supermarket, buying everything we thought we were going to need for six months on the road (branston pickle, HP sauce). We soon realised that you can’t fit that much in the spaces dotted around the van, so it looks like we’re going to have to buy a lot of food day to day because the fridge only really fits four yoghurts and a block of cheese; and the freezer is none existent. Once we’d finished shopping, we headed off to spend our first night in the van. Being the first night, and not knowing how this campervan lark works, we headed to the nearest campsite to charge the vans’ battery (which we’re going to have to do at least every three days) and fill up with water. These motor-home campsites are pretty good. Most of them have a good kitchen (which saves cooking on the vans stove and using gas), a lounge to relax, decent washrooms and this one had a mini play park for the kids. It was like a mini Butlins without the red-coats. Louise and I settled down after our first meal on the road and thought about what to do and where to go. The answer to that is: as much as possible and every square mile we can.
SATURDAY 18TH APRIL
I woke up bright and early, not because I thought I was eight and it was Christmas day, but because it was fucking freezing. Outside the van there was a frost on the ground and most of the other vans had upped and left (probably gone to their nice warm log fires), so we thought we’d better move as well. As it turned out, we received a message of our friend Laura who we used to work with back in England. We knew she was also in Christchurch and was going to do a bit of touring before settling down to work somewhere (in NZ), but we thought it would be nice to meet up. We paid for another night at the campsite, got showered and went to meet her in the city.Anyone that has been to Christchurch knows that although it is very picturesque it’s not very big. We spent a few hours wandering around the city with Laura finding out what her travels had been like so far and what she was going to do next. After a bit more chat it was decided that we’d all travel the north part of the South Island together. Not only would it be cheaper for everyone but it would also be nice having someone else we knew on board.Because we’d paid for only two people in the van at the campsite, we would have to sneak Laura in under cover of darkness. It wasn’t really an SAS operation, more like keep your head down and if you get seen just play dumb.
SUNDAY 19TH APRIL
Because of our expertise in undercover covert night operations, we managed to foil the couple who owned the campsite and didn’t have to pay for the extra body in the van; which if we can keep up for the next few weeks is going to be a miracle. We’re going to leave Christchurch today and head up the coast as we’ve all got to come back at a later date and there’s no point staying for too long. So off we head north to see what we can find. Our first stop was a little country pub in a village called Leithfield. I love this country. I’ve only been here two days and already I’ve found some things that make New Zealand better than Australia: 1) they have actual, real, full measure pints in pubs, 2) it’s not nearly six quid for one, and 3) the other customers are very chatty and make you feel welcome. After spending an hour talking to a very nice bloke, who had half of his middle finger missing (I didn’t ask why, but he would probably have gone in to details if I had. He was that nice) and finding a couple of places to stop, it was back in the van. We didn’t get too far mind. We stopped at Waikuku beach and had a game of Frisbee. That doesn’t seem an unusual thing to happen at a beach, but remember it’s probably only about 40F (4.5C) and we’ve all got coats on. On the way back to the van we got a rubber ball out to throw around. Within two minutes I’d managed to put it through one of the fridge vents on the side of the van. I barely threw it, and it bounced first so it couldn’t have been that sturdy in the first place. Now I’m glad we paid the excess on the insurance. After being shouted at by Louise for my actions, we got in the van and headed towards Hamner Springs.Hamner Springs is a proper old fashioned tourist trap. People come from all over the world to bathe in the world famous thermal pools, and we’re no different. First though we have to fend for ourselves tonight and sleep in a lay-by and cook in the van. Then tomorrow we’re going to sit in a warm pool outside, and probably in the rain.
MONDAY 20TH APRIL
The lay-by we stopped in was that good four other vans parked there; we thought we were going to get moved on by the police but obviously not. As I thought it’s raining, but we’re only coming here for the day so as planned it’s off to the pools. It’s only NZ$14 (£5.60) to get in so that’s another one that New Zealand’s up on Oz. After getting changed and showering (?) we head to the thermals. I don’t really know what to expect but I go in and it’s very pleasant if a little cold. I then realise that this is just an outside pool and the thermal pools are the smaller ones dotted around the place. After that misjudgement I just follow Louise and Laura like any other bloke who’s out of his depth (almost literally) at this sort of thing. A few of the pools are just the right temperature so we relax in them for a fair while and then someone suggests we go to the 41C (105F) pool. Before I got there all I could smell was rotten eggs; I know I haven’t farted and I don’t believe the girls could have done it, so what is it? It’s the hot pool. All of the cooler ones just smell like mild sulphur; a similar smell to a lit match, but this one absolutely hums. I go and sit in it and try to relax, but I can’t. The smell is overwhelming. If I’d have made that smell at school as a thirteen year old, I’d have been infamous throughout schoolboy folklore. People would talk about me like I was a god; they’d say things like ‘Well I heard it was so bad, it set the fire alarms off in the office block down the street,’ and ‘Well I heard two teachers had to retire because of it.’ But this was a smelly little hot pool. I couldn’t handle more than two minutes. I’d had enough. I’d been defeated by the rotten pungent smell of a thermal pool. If that wasn’t bad enough, there were middle aged women lapping it up, loving every minute of it. They probably thought it had magical powers like the key to eternal youth or something. Not too long after I got out and went for a shower, and waited for Louise and Laura to appear out of the fog.After a quick feed we’re back on the road again. The next destination is Kaikoura, home of lots of whales. So many in fact it is known as the ‘Whale Highway.’ That’s not the only thing you can see here, there are plenty of seals and dolphins too. After stopping on a bridge in the middle of nowhere, where we took some pretty cool photos of the mountains, we just drove and drove. It took quite a while as nearly every road in New Zealand is uphill! We finally made it to Kaikoura with less than a quarter of a gallon of petrol in the tank after being ‘on the red’ for almost an hour. After a quick look around (where we saw very little as it was pitch black) it was off to a campsite to charge up the van battery and get warm as New Zealand is still cold.
TUESDAY 21ST APRIL
Woke up this morning and there’s snow on the mountains already! We’ve only been here four days, so it bodes well for later on in the year when we go skiing. Today we’re planning on going whale watching. The odds are pretty slim though as we’ve heard that there haven’t been any trips for three days due to bad weather and lack of whales; which is pretty important when you go whale watching. All we can do is sit and hope for the whales to come within range. In the meantime I have to go and see the quack because my eyes are playing up something chronic. I went to try and get in at the local GP, and it was going to cost me NZ$100 (£40) just for a consultation. After pleading with the receptionist to let me see the doctor to give me a script for what I needed, and being refused, I left. This was not before being lectured about what was more important, my eyes or NZ$100. After replying NZ$100, simply because my script would only cost me NZ$15 (£6). I headed to see the pharmacist (named Rob Roy, honestly) who gave me the medication I was after with a nod and a wink. I don’t see what all the fuss was about. I was hardly after a litre of methadone! As predicted the whale watch was cancelled so we headed to the seal colony instead. Here we got as close as we could to the seals. Some of them were relaxing, asleep in the bushes or on the rocks. And some were playing to the cameras, as if it was all a game. Louise did get too close to one at one point, and it let her know by trying to attack her in the half-arsed, half asleep way that seals sometimes move.In the evening we went and had fish and chips (frozen chips the only minus), and then headed to the pub for a friendly quiz. We didn’t win, but did get some cheap beer. One of the rounds was on ANZAC day, and this was met with an embarrassingly high amount of people asking “What’s ANZAC day?” Even though they were not New Zealanders or Australians it’s a sad state of affairs when you’re in another country and you don’t have any idea what’s going on around you.
WEDNESDAY 22ND APRIL
We arrived at the whale watching place bright and early in the hope that we would be able to go out today. No sooner had we arrived and our names were being called for the first trip out.After watching the safety video, we headed for the bus to take us down to the quay. Our boat for today was called Te Ao Tamara, which means something in Maori, but because I didn’t listen I therefore have no idea what it means. Once we were all safely aboard away we went, the eleven or so nautical miles out into the South Pacific Ocean. When you head off the coast of New Zealand the land ridge comes to a halt around half a mile out to sea, and then all of a sudden drops from 800m (½ mile) to 2000m (1¼ miles). We stopped in the middle of the ocean and waited patiently for a whale to appear. Whilst waiting we spotted a few albatrosses and other seabirds and then all of a sudden he arrived. He being the massive sperm whale. I say massive and I’m right. At 40ft he could definitely be classed as massive. He spent around twenty minutes on the surface getting ready for his next dive. I got a couple of pictures but they weren’t very good until he dived. On the way down sperm whales arch so you can’t miss the best picture you’re likely to get. That is the one of its tail just before he disappears again for the next few hours.After arriving back on shore we decided the best thing would be to have one last look around the town and then head off along the coast and find somewhere to camp for the night. We drove for an hour or so and pulled up in the first lay-by we could find that had a toilet. A few games of travel yahtzee and then it was bed.
THURSDAY 23RD APRIL
After waking up unbelievably late (10:00a.m), we got ourselves sorted and headed along the motorway. On the way we stopped off at the Montana vineyards, one of hundreds around the Marlborough and Nelson area. I still don’t like wine, but Louise does so we stopped for some freebies.About an hour further up the road we arrived at Blenheim a quaint little town that we didn’t really stop at very long, which was a shame really as what we saw was nice. Following the brief stop off in Blenheim we headed towards Picton, the home of the ferry to the Wellington and the rest of the North Island. It took us almost three hours in our speed demon van; it’s an automatic so it takes an age to get up to speed, and when we arrived it was dark. When we arrived at the campsite we decided to put the awning up and see what it looks like. With this up you can easily sleep six people; the only problem is the back door is open so it lets in the cold a bit. We thought we’d try it for tonight and see what happens. Who knows we might die of hyperthermia.
FRIDAY 24TH APRIL
Hurray! We survived the cold and didn’t turn blue in the night, so as a reward we headed off in to town to see what we could do to pass the day. There was a nice walk that we thought we might try called ‘The Snout.’The walk takes around 3 hours and as it was only midday, and was pretty overcast, we layered up and set off. After around twenty minutes of walking the layers came off and the water was being drunk. The walk was really nice (although uphill for the first hour) and while we were stopping we saw some spectacular views of Queen Charlotte Sounds. Here there are some equally spectacular walks that we could do. However as it’s quite costly to get out there we’re not going to do it. When we got to the end of the snout (where incidentally two Japanese divers drowned in 1993) you can admire the whole of the area again, but this time from sea level. When you get to the beach there are thousands upon thousands of mussels just waiting to be picked. I also saw a seal just grazing or whatever they do on a rock about eight feet up. How it got up there God only knows.On the way back we managed to go up as many inclines as we did on the way here. I swear it doesn’t matter which way you go, it’s up!Back in town we bummed around a bit and went to the pub for a couple of drinks. Then we went to back to the car park and settled down for the night. Although you’re not supposed to camp in the car parks, we double checked with the parking attendant who said not to worry as long as there’s a ticket in the window we wouldn’t get bothered.
SATURDAY 25TH APRIL (ANZAC DAY)
Today is ANZAC day so there is a parade and service, as there has been for the last ninety odd years. The thing is it’s at 06:00a.m so you have to be up and ready. Louise and I just made it in time. We watched the service which was held outside at the towns’ cenotaph. There were over 150 current and ex-servicemen there and a few hundred members of the public there to show their gratitude to the deceased who gave their lives. After one last look around the town, where I bought an old map of New Zealand, we set off to Havelock, ‘The Green Shelled Mussel Capital of the World’. The roads were all along mountain sides and give you great views of Picton harbour. We stopped in Havelock where we met a nice Maori fella and his Scottish wife (I don’t know why but there seem to be a lot of Scots here) who told us where to go and stay in Nelson. Louise had some of the world famous mussels and I had chicken as I don’t like mussels all that much. After the feed we headed to Nelson. We were told it’s only 45 mins away by car, but it’s raining and we’ve got our F1 van! It took us almost two hours in the dark, plus it was torrential conditions outside. We spent an hour driving around the town before finding a suitable place to park up for the night. And it kept on raining.
Monday, April 27, 2009
The Journey Begins (17-25/05/09)
NEW ZEALAND STARTS
FRIDAY 17TH APRIL
On landing in Christchurch we zoomed straight through customs no problem, and then it was straight on the phone to the campervan company who came to fetch us without delay.After spending over an hour ironing out the minute details in the contract, we were away. This is it six months living on the road (sometimes literally) in a campervan; that at some point will somehow be sleeping four grown adults. I don’t care, and neither does Louise. It’s gonna be fun as this is what I’ve been looking forward to the most on the entire trip. In the van we have four of each piece of crockery and cutlery: 4 knives, 4 forks, 4 dessert spoons, 4 tea spoons, 4 bowls, 4 cups, 4 beakers and 4 wine glasses. There’s a fridge that you can run off the mains and battery (but not for too long), a microwave (mains only), a grill, two hobs, an electric kettle, a gas kettle (an essential that I will guard with my life because NZ is cold so we’ll need tea and lots of it). There’s a lot of empty space underneath stuff that will soon be filled, no doubt, with tins of food and clothes and stuff. We’ve been given a shed load of blankets and quilts to combat the cold; even the woman at the hire centre said we’re brave doing this in winter. We’ve also got an esky bin that will be used for chilling drinks as the fridge is for food only. Louise and I have also agreed on a ‘no shoes’ policy in the van because it’s so wet, and we’ve also agreed to take the bed down every morning, but we’ll see how long that lasts. The next two hours were spent in the super discount supermarket, buying everything we thought we were going to need for six months on the road (branston pickle, HP sauce). We soon realised that you can’t fit that much in the spaces dotted around the van, so it looks like we’re going to have to buy a lot of food day to day because the fridge only really fits four yoghurts and a block of cheese; and the freezer is none existent. Once we’d finished shopping, we headed off to spend our first night in the van. Being the first night, and not knowing how this campervan lark works, we headed to the nearest campsite to charge the vans’ battery (which we’re going to have to do at least every three days) and fill up with water. These motor-home campsites are pretty good. Most of them have a good kitchen (which saves cooking on the vans stove and using gas), a lounge to relax, decent washrooms and this one had a mini play park for the kids. It was like a mini Butlins without the red-coats. Louise and I settled down after our first meal on the road and thought about what to do and where to go. The answer to that is: as much as possible and every square mile we can.
SATURDAY 18TH APRIL
I woke up bright and early, not because I thought I was eight and it was Christmas day, but because it was fucking freezing. Outside the van there was a frost on the ground and most of the other vans had upped and left (probably gone to their nice warm log fires), so we thought we’d better move as well. As it turned out, we received a message of our friend Laura who we used to work with back in England. We knew she was also in Christchurch and was going to do a bit of touring before settling down to work somewhere (in NZ), but we thought it would be nice to meet up. We paid for another night at the campsite, got showered and went to meet her in the city.Anyone that has been to Christchurch knows that although it is very picturesque it’s not very big. We spent a few hours wandering around the city with Laura finding out what her travels had been like so far and what she was going to do next. After a bit more chat it was decided that we’d all travel the north part of the South Island together. Not only would it be cheaper for everyone but it would also be nice having someone else we knew on board.Because we’d paid for only two people in the van at the campsite, we would have to sneak Laura in under cover of darkness. It wasn’t really an SAS operation, more like keep your head down and if you get seen just play dumb.
SUNDAY 19TH APRIL
Because of our expertise in undercover covert night operations, we managed to foil the couple who owned the campsite and didn’t have to pay for the extra body in the van; which if we can keep up for the next few weeks is going to be a miracle. We’re going to leave Christchurch today and head up the coast as we’ve all got to come back at a later date and there’s no point staying for too long. So off we head north to see what we can find. Our first stop was a little country pub in a village called Leithfield. I love this country. I’ve only been here two days and already I’ve found some things that make New Zealand better than Australia: 1) they have actual, real, full measure pints in pubs, 2) it’s not nearly six quid for one, and 3) the other customers are very chatty and make you feel welcome. After spending an hour talking to a very nice bloke, who had half of his middle finger missing (I didn’t ask why, but he would probably have gone in to details if I had. He was that nice) and finding a couple of places to stop, it was back in the van. We didn’t get too far mind. We stopped at Waikuku beach and had a game of Frisbee. That doesn’t seem an unusual thing to happen at a beach, but remember it’s probably only about 40F (4.5C) and we’ve all got coats on. On the way back to the van we got a rubber ball out to throw around. Within two minutes I’d managed to put it through one of the fridge vents on the side of the van. I barely threw it, and it bounced first so it couldn’t have been that sturdy in the first place. Now I’m glad we paid the excess on the insurance. After being shouted at by Louise for my actions, we got in the van and headed towards Hamner Springs.Hamner Springs is a proper old fashioned tourist trap. People come from all over the world to bathe in the world famous thermal pools, and we’re no different. First though we have to fend for ourselves tonight and sleep in a lay-by and cook in the van. Then tomorrow we’re going to sit in a warm pool outside, and probably in the rain.
MONDAY 20TH APRIL
The lay-by we stopped in was that good four other vans parked there; we thought we were going to get moved on by the police but obviously not. As I thought it’s raining, but we’re only coming here for the day so as planned it’s off to the pools. It’s only NZ$14 (£5.60) to get in so that’s another one that New Zealand’s up on Oz. After getting changed and showering (?) we head to the thermals. I don’t really know what to expect but I go in and it’s very pleasant if a little cold. I then realise that this is just an outside pool and the thermal pools are the smaller ones dotted around the place. After that misjudgement I just follow Louise and Laura like any other bloke who’s out of his depth (almost literally) at this sort of thing. A few of the pools are just the right temperature so we relax in them for a fair while and then someone suggests we go to the 41C (105F) pool. Before I got there all I could smell was rotten eggs; I know I haven’t farted and I don’t believe the girls could have done it, so what is it? It’s the hot pool. All of the cooler ones just smell like mild sulphur; a similar smell to a lit match, but this one absolutely hums. I go and sit in it and try to relax, but I can’t. The smell is overwhelming. If I’d have made that smell at school as a thirteen year old, I’d have been infamous throughout schoolboy folklore. People would talk about me like I was a god; they’d say things like ‘Well I heard it was so bad, it set the fire alarms off in the office block down the street,’ and ‘Well I heard two teachers had to retire because of it.’ But this was a smelly little hot pool. I couldn’t handle more than two minutes. I’d had enough. I’d been defeated by the rotten pungent smell of a thermal pool. If that wasn’t bad enough, there were middle aged women lapping it up, loving every minute of it. They probably thought it had magical powers like the key to eternal youth or something. Not too long after I got out and went for a shower, and waited for Louise and Laura to appear out of the fog.After a quick feed we’re back on the road again. The next destination is Kaikoura, home of lots of whales. So many in fact it is known as the ‘Whale Highway.’ That’s not the only thing you can see here, there are plenty of seals and dolphins too. After stopping on a bridge in the middle of nowhere, where we took some pretty cool photos of the mountains, we just drove and drove. It took quite a while as nearly every road in New Zealand is uphill! We finally made it to Kaikoura with less than a quarter of a gallon of petrol in the tank after being ‘on the red’ for almost an hour. After a quick look around (where we saw very little as it was pitch black) it was off to a campsite to charge up the van battery and get warm as New Zealand is still cold.
TUESDAY 21ST APRIL
Woke up this morning and there’s snow on the mountains already! We’ve only been here four days, so it bodes well for later on in the year when we go skiing. Today we’re planning on going whale watching. The odds are pretty slim though as we’ve heard that there haven’t been any trips for three days due to bad weather and lack of whales; which is pretty important when you go whale watching. All we can do is sit and hope for the whales to come within range. In the meantime I have to go and see the quack because my eyes are playing up something chronic. I went to try and get in at the local GP, and it was going to cost me NZ$100 (£40) just for a consultation. After pleading with the receptionist to let me see the doctor to give me a script for what I needed, and being refused, I left. This was not before being lectured about what was more important, my eyes or NZ$100. After replying NZ$100, simply because my script would only cost me NZ$15 (£6). I headed to see the pharmacist (named Rob Roy, honestly) who gave me the medication I was after with a nod and a wink. I don’t see what all the fuss was about. I was hardly after a litre of methadone! As predicted the whale watch was cancelled so we headed to the seal colony instead. Here we got as close as we could to the seals. Some of them were relaxing, asleep in the bushes or on the rocks. And some were playing to the cameras, as if it was all a game. Louise did get too close to one at one point, and it let her know by trying to attack her in the half-arsed, half asleep way that seals sometimes move.In the evening we went and had fish and chips (frozen chips the only minus), and then headed to the pub for a friendly quiz. We didn’t win, but did get some cheap beer. One of the rounds was on ANZAC day, and this was met with an embarrassingly high amount of people asking “What’s ANZAC day?” Even though they were not New Zealanders or Australians it’s a sad state of affairs when you’re in another country and you don’t have any idea what’s going on around you.
WEDNESDAY 22ND APRIL
We arrived at the whale watching place bright and early in the hope that we would be able to go out today. No sooner had we arrived and our names were being called for the first trip out.After watching the safety video, we headed for the bus to take us down to the quay. Our boat for today was called Te Ao Tamara, which means something in Maori, but because I didn’t listen I therefore have no idea what it means. Once we were all safely aboard away we went, the eleven or so nautical miles out into the South Pacific Ocean. When you head off the coast of New Zealand the land ridge comes to a halt around half a mile out to sea, and then all of a sudden drops from 800m (½ mile) to 2000m (1¼ miles). We stopped in the middle of the ocean and waited patiently for a whale to appear. Whilst waiting we spotted a few albatrosses and other seabirds and then all of a sudden he arrived. He being the massive sperm whale. I say massive and I’m right. At 40ft he could definitely be classed as massive. He spent around twenty minutes on the surface getting ready for his next dive. I got a couple of pictures but they weren’t very good until he dived. On the way down sperm whales arch so you can’t miss the best picture you’re likely to get. That is the one of its tail just before he disappears again for the next few hours.After arriving back on shore we decided the best thing would be to have one last look around the town and then head off along the coast and find somewhere to camp for the night. We drove for an hour or so and pulled up in the first lay-by we could find that had a toilet. A few games of travel yahtzee and then it was bed.
THURSDAY 23RD APRIL
After waking up unbelievably late (10:00a.m), we got ourselves sorted and headed along the motorway. On the way we stopped off at the Montana vineyards, one of hundreds around the Marlborough and Nelson area. I still don’t like wine, but Louise does so we stopped for some freebies.About an hour further up the road we arrived at Blenheim a quaint little town that we didn’t really stop at very long, which was a shame really as what we saw was nice. Following the brief stop off in Blenheim we headed towards Picton, the home of the ferry to the Wellington and the rest of the North Island. It took us almost three hours in our speed demon van; it’s an automatic so it takes an age to get up to speed, and when we arrived it was dark. When we arrived at the campsite we decided to put the awning up and see what it looks like. With this up you can easily sleep six people; the only problem is the back door is open so it lets in the cold a bit. We thought we’d try it for tonight and see what happens. Who knows we might die of hyperthermia.
FRIDAY 24TH APRIL
Hurray! We survived the cold and didn’t turn blue in the night, so as a reward we headed off in to town to see what we could do to pass the day. There was a nice walk that we thought we might try called ‘The Snout.’The walk takes around 3 hours and as it was only midday, and was pretty overcast, we layered up and set off. After around twenty minutes of walking the layers came off and the water was being drunk. The walk was really nice (although uphill for the first hour) and while we were stopping we saw some spectacular views of Queen Charlotte Sounds. Here there are some equally spectacular walks that we could do. However as it’s quite costly to get out there we’re not going to do it. When we got to the end of the snout (where incidentally two Japanese divers drowned in 1993) you can admire the whole of the area again, but this time from sea level. When you get to the beach there are thousands upon thousands of mussels just waiting to be picked. I also saw a seal just grazing or whatever they do on a rock about eight feet up. How it got up there God only knows.On the way back we managed to go up as many inclines as we did on the way here. I swear it doesn’t matter which way you go, it’s up!Back in town we bummed around a bit and went to the pub for a couple of drinks. Then we went to back to the car park and settled down for the night. Although you’re not supposed to camp in the car parks, we double checked with the parking attendant who said not to worry as long as there’s a ticket in the window we wouldn’t get bothered.
SATURDAY 25TH APRIL (ANZAC DAY)
Today is ANZAC day so there is a parade and service, as there has been for the last ninety odd years. The thing is it’s at 06:00a.m so you have to be up and ready. Louise and I just made it in time. We watched the service which was held outside at the towns’ cenotaph. There were over 150 current and ex-servicemen there and a few hundred members of the public there to show their gratitude to the deceased who gave their lives. After one last look around the town, where I bought an old map of New Zealand, we set off to Havelock, ‘The Green Shelled Mussel Capital of the World’. The roads were all along mountain sides and give you great views of Picton harbour. We stopped in Havelock where we met a nice Maori fella and his Scottish wife (I don’t know why but there seem to be a lot of Scots here) who told us where to go and stay in Nelson. Louise had some of the world famous mussels and I had chicken as I don’t like mussels all that much. After the feed we headed to Nelson. We were told it’s only 45 mins away by car, but it’s raining and we’ve got our F1 van! It took us almost two hours in the dark, plus it was torrential conditions outside. We spent an hour driving around the town before finding a suitable place to park up for the night. And it kept on raining.
FRIDAY 17TH APRIL
On landing in Christchurch we zoomed straight through customs no problem, and then it was straight on the phone to the campervan company who came to fetch us without delay.After spending over an hour ironing out the minute details in the contract, we were away. This is it six months living on the road (sometimes literally) in a campervan; that at some point will somehow be sleeping four grown adults. I don’t care, and neither does Louise. It’s gonna be fun as this is what I’ve been looking forward to the most on the entire trip. In the van we have four of each piece of crockery and cutlery: 4 knives, 4 forks, 4 dessert spoons, 4 tea spoons, 4 bowls, 4 cups, 4 beakers and 4 wine glasses. There’s a fridge that you can run off the mains and battery (but not for too long), a microwave (mains only), a grill, two hobs, an electric kettle, a gas kettle (an essential that I will guard with my life because NZ is cold so we’ll need tea and lots of it). There’s a lot of empty space underneath stuff that will soon be filled, no doubt, with tins of food and clothes and stuff. We’ve been given a shed load of blankets and quilts to combat the cold; even the woman at the hire centre said we’re brave doing this in winter. We’ve also got an esky bin that will be used for chilling drinks as the fridge is for food only. Louise and I have also agreed on a ‘no shoes’ policy in the van because it’s so wet, and we’ve also agreed to take the bed down every morning, but we’ll see how long that lasts. The next two hours were spent in the super discount supermarket, buying everything we thought we were going to need for six months on the road (branston pickle, HP sauce). We soon realised that you can’t fit that much in the spaces dotted around the van, so it looks like we’re going to have to buy a lot of food day to day because the fridge only really fits four yoghurts and a block of cheese; and the freezer is none existent. Once we’d finished shopping, we headed off to spend our first night in the van. Being the first night, and not knowing how this campervan lark works, we headed to the nearest campsite to charge the vans’ battery (which we’re going to have to do at least every three days) and fill up with water. These motor-home campsites are pretty good. Most of them have a good kitchen (which saves cooking on the vans stove and using gas), a lounge to relax, decent washrooms and this one had a mini play park for the kids. It was like a mini Butlins without the red-coats. Louise and I settled down after our first meal on the road and thought about what to do and where to go. The answer to that is: as much as possible and every square mile we can.
SATURDAY 18TH APRIL
I woke up bright and early, not because I thought I was eight and it was Christmas day, but because it was fucking freezing. Outside the van there was a frost on the ground and most of the other vans had upped and left (probably gone to their nice warm log fires), so we thought we’d better move as well. As it turned out, we received a message of our friend Laura who we used to work with back in England. We knew she was also in Christchurch and was going to do a bit of touring before settling down to work somewhere (in NZ), but we thought it would be nice to meet up. We paid for another night at the campsite, got showered and went to meet her in the city.Anyone that has been to Christchurch knows that although it is very picturesque it’s not very big. We spent a few hours wandering around the city with Laura finding out what her travels had been like so far and what she was going to do next. After a bit more chat it was decided that we’d all travel the north part of the South Island together. Not only would it be cheaper for everyone but it would also be nice having someone else we knew on board.Because we’d paid for only two people in the van at the campsite, we would have to sneak Laura in under cover of darkness. It wasn’t really an SAS operation, more like keep your head down and if you get seen just play dumb.
SUNDAY 19TH APRIL
Because of our expertise in undercover covert night operations, we managed to foil the couple who owned the campsite and didn’t have to pay for the extra body in the van; which if we can keep up for the next few weeks is going to be a miracle. We’re going to leave Christchurch today and head up the coast as we’ve all got to come back at a later date and there’s no point staying for too long. So off we head north to see what we can find. Our first stop was a little country pub in a village called Leithfield. I love this country. I’ve only been here two days and already I’ve found some things that make New Zealand better than Australia: 1) they have actual, real, full measure pints in pubs, 2) it’s not nearly six quid for one, and 3) the other customers are very chatty and make you feel welcome. After spending an hour talking to a very nice bloke, who had half of his middle finger missing (I didn’t ask why, but he would probably have gone in to details if I had. He was that nice) and finding a couple of places to stop, it was back in the van. We didn’t get too far mind. We stopped at Waikuku beach and had a game of Frisbee. That doesn’t seem an unusual thing to happen at a beach, but remember it’s probably only about 40F (4.5C) and we’ve all got coats on. On the way back to the van we got a rubber ball out to throw around. Within two minutes I’d managed to put it through one of the fridge vents on the side of the van. I barely threw it, and it bounced first so it couldn’t have been that sturdy in the first place. Now I’m glad we paid the excess on the insurance. After being shouted at by Louise for my actions, we got in the van and headed towards Hamner Springs.Hamner Springs is a proper old fashioned tourist trap. People come from all over the world to bathe in the world famous thermal pools, and we’re no different. First though we have to fend for ourselves tonight and sleep in a lay-by and cook in the van. Then tomorrow we’re going to sit in a warm pool outside, and probably in the rain.
MONDAY 20TH APRIL
The lay-by we stopped in was that good four other vans parked there; we thought we were going to get moved on by the police but obviously not. As I thought it’s raining, but we’re only coming here for the day so as planned it’s off to the pools. It’s only NZ$14 (£5.60) to get in so that’s another one that New Zealand’s up on Oz. After getting changed and showering (?) we head to the thermals. I don’t really know what to expect but I go in and it’s very pleasant if a little cold. I then realise that this is just an outside pool and the thermal pools are the smaller ones dotted around the place. After that misjudgement I just follow Louise and Laura like any other bloke who’s out of his depth (almost literally) at this sort of thing. A few of the pools are just the right temperature so we relax in them for a fair while and then someone suggests we go to the 41C (105F) pool. Before I got there all I could smell was rotten eggs; I know I haven’t farted and I don’t believe the girls could have done it, so what is it? It’s the hot pool. All of the cooler ones just smell like mild sulphur; a similar smell to a lit match, but this one absolutely hums. I go and sit in it and try to relax, but I can’t. The smell is overwhelming. If I’d have made that smell at school as a thirteen year old, I’d have been infamous throughout schoolboy folklore. People would talk about me like I was a god; they’d say things like ‘Well I heard it was so bad, it set the fire alarms off in the office block down the street,’ and ‘Well I heard two teachers had to retire because of it.’ But this was a smelly little hot pool. I couldn’t handle more than two minutes. I’d had enough. I’d been defeated by the rotten pungent smell of a thermal pool. If that wasn’t bad enough, there were middle aged women lapping it up, loving every minute of it. They probably thought it had magical powers like the key to eternal youth or something. Not too long after I got out and went for a shower, and waited for Louise and Laura to appear out of the fog.After a quick feed we’re back on the road again. The next destination is Kaikoura, home of lots of whales. So many in fact it is known as the ‘Whale Highway.’ That’s not the only thing you can see here, there are plenty of seals and dolphins too. After stopping on a bridge in the middle of nowhere, where we took some pretty cool photos of the mountains, we just drove and drove. It took quite a while as nearly every road in New Zealand is uphill! We finally made it to Kaikoura with less than a quarter of a gallon of petrol in the tank after being ‘on the red’ for almost an hour. After a quick look around (where we saw very little as it was pitch black) it was off to a campsite to charge up the van battery and get warm as New Zealand is still cold.
TUESDAY 21ST APRIL
Woke up this morning and there’s snow on the mountains already! We’ve only been here four days, so it bodes well for later on in the year when we go skiing. Today we’re planning on going whale watching. The odds are pretty slim though as we’ve heard that there haven’t been any trips for three days due to bad weather and lack of whales; which is pretty important when you go whale watching. All we can do is sit and hope for the whales to come within range. In the meantime I have to go and see the quack because my eyes are playing up something chronic. I went to try and get in at the local GP, and it was going to cost me NZ$100 (£40) just for a consultation. After pleading with the receptionist to let me see the doctor to give me a script for what I needed, and being refused, I left. This was not before being lectured about what was more important, my eyes or NZ$100. After replying NZ$100, simply because my script would only cost me NZ$15 (£6). I headed to see the pharmacist (named Rob Roy, honestly) who gave me the medication I was after with a nod and a wink. I don’t see what all the fuss was about. I was hardly after a litre of methadone! As predicted the whale watch was cancelled so we headed to the seal colony instead. Here we got as close as we could to the seals. Some of them were relaxing, asleep in the bushes or on the rocks. And some were playing to the cameras, as if it was all a game. Louise did get too close to one at one point, and it let her know by trying to attack her in the half-arsed, half asleep way that seals sometimes move.In the evening we went and had fish and chips (frozen chips the only minus), and then headed to the pub for a friendly quiz. We didn’t win, but did get some cheap beer. One of the rounds was on ANZAC day, and this was met with an embarrassingly high amount of people asking “What’s ANZAC day?” Even though they were not New Zealanders or Australians it’s a sad state of affairs when you’re in another country and you don’t have any idea what’s going on around you.
WEDNESDAY 22ND APRIL
We arrived at the whale watching place bright and early in the hope that we would be able to go out today. No sooner had we arrived and our names were being called for the first trip out.After watching the safety video, we headed for the bus to take us down to the quay. Our boat for today was called Te Ao Tamara, which means something in Maori, but because I didn’t listen I therefore have no idea what it means. Once we were all safely aboard away we went, the eleven or so nautical miles out into the South Pacific Ocean. When you head off the coast of New Zealand the land ridge comes to a halt around half a mile out to sea, and then all of a sudden drops from 800m (½ mile) to 2000m (1¼ miles). We stopped in the middle of the ocean and waited patiently for a whale to appear. Whilst waiting we spotted a few albatrosses and other seabirds and then all of a sudden he arrived. He being the massive sperm whale. I say massive and I’m right. At 40ft he could definitely be classed as massive. He spent around twenty minutes on the surface getting ready for his next dive. I got a couple of pictures but they weren’t very good until he dived. On the way down sperm whales arch so you can’t miss the best picture you’re likely to get. That is the one of its tail just before he disappears again for the next few hours.After arriving back on shore we decided the best thing would be to have one last look around the town and then head off along the coast and find somewhere to camp for the night. We drove for an hour or so and pulled up in the first lay-by we could find that had a toilet. A few games of travel yahtzee and then it was bed.
THURSDAY 23RD APRIL
After waking up unbelievably late (10:00a.m), we got ourselves sorted and headed along the motorway. On the way we stopped off at the Montana vineyards, one of hundreds around the Marlborough and Nelson area. I still don’t like wine, but Louise does so we stopped for some freebies.About an hour further up the road we arrived at Blenheim a quaint little town that we didn’t really stop at very long, which was a shame really as what we saw was nice. Following the brief stop off in Blenheim we headed towards Picton, the home of the ferry to the Wellington and the rest of the North Island. It took us almost three hours in our speed demon van; it’s an automatic so it takes an age to get up to speed, and when we arrived it was dark. When we arrived at the campsite we decided to put the awning up and see what it looks like. With this up you can easily sleep six people; the only problem is the back door is open so it lets in the cold a bit. We thought we’d try it for tonight and see what happens. Who knows we might die of hyperthermia.
FRIDAY 24TH APRIL
Hurray! We survived the cold and didn’t turn blue in the night, so as a reward we headed off in to town to see what we could do to pass the day. There was a nice walk that we thought we might try called ‘The Snout.’The walk takes around 3 hours and as it was only midday, and was pretty overcast, we layered up and set off. After around twenty minutes of walking the layers came off and the water was being drunk. The walk was really nice (although uphill for the first hour) and while we were stopping we saw some spectacular views of Queen Charlotte Sounds. Here there are some equally spectacular walks that we could do. However as it’s quite costly to get out there we’re not going to do it. When we got to the end of the snout (where incidentally two Japanese divers drowned in 1993) you can admire the whole of the area again, but this time from sea level. When you get to the beach there are thousands upon thousands of mussels just waiting to be picked. I also saw a seal just grazing or whatever they do on a rock about eight feet up. How it got up there God only knows.On the way back we managed to go up as many inclines as we did on the way here. I swear it doesn’t matter which way you go, it’s up!Back in town we bummed around a bit and went to the pub for a couple of drinks. Then we went to back to the car park and settled down for the night. Although you’re not supposed to camp in the car parks, we double checked with the parking attendant who said not to worry as long as there’s a ticket in the window we wouldn’t get bothered.
SATURDAY 25TH APRIL (ANZAC DAY)
Today is ANZAC day so there is a parade and service, as there has been for the last ninety odd years. The thing is it’s at 06:00a.m so you have to be up and ready. Louise and I just made it in time. We watched the service which was held outside at the towns’ cenotaph. There were over 150 current and ex-servicemen there and a few hundred members of the public there to show their gratitude to the deceased who gave their lives. After one last look around the town, where I bought an old map of New Zealand, we set off to Havelock, ‘The Green Shelled Mussel Capital of the World’. The roads were all along mountain sides and give you great views of Picton harbour. We stopped in Havelock where we met a nice Maori fella and his Scottish wife (I don’t know why but there seem to be a lot of Scots here) who told us where to go and stay in Nelson. Louise had some of the world famous mussels and I had chicken as I don’t like mussels all that much. After the feed we headed to Nelson. We were told it’s only 45 mins away by car, but it’s raining and we’ve got our F1 van! It took us almost two hours in the dark, plus it was torrential conditions outside. We spent an hour driving around the town before finding a suitable place to park up for the night. And it kept on raining.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
The Last Few Days (14-17/4/09)
TUESDAY 14TH APRIL
It’s our last day in Taree so most of it was spent deciding when and what to pack. Most of the trip we’ve carried around far too much far too often. With that in mind we’ve decided to scale down and get rid of the crap. We did go out for a little while and I purchased another pair of jeans; today is officially the last day I’m going to wear crap clothes. I’ve got two days in Sydney, and then it’s on to New Zealand; where I will be wearing proper clothes as it’s supposedly already freezing cold and it’s only mid April. There’s not much else to say about today as we didn’t really do a lot else apart from wait for our bus to Sydney, which is at 00:55a.m Wednesday morning.When the time came Kel gave us a lift to the bus station around midnight as the bus could arrive at any time. When we went to Port Macquarie it was an hour and a half late, so we’re not taking any chances. As it turned out the bus was 25 minutes late, so all in all, we waited an hour and a half for the bus; and the driver almost left us as he told us our bus would be along in twenty minutes. It wasn’t until we made him check that he realised we were on his bus. As soon as we were on the bus we were both gone. I think it must be all the waiting around that does it.
WEDNESDAY 15TH APRIL
We arrived in Sydney at 06:30, picked up our bags (of which there are still too many even after the clearout) and headed to King’s Cross where we’re meeting Louise’s cousin Jenny, who’s come to meet us while she’s in the country.After an argument with the twat on reception, we got into our room (a private one as well. Somehow it was cheaper than a dorm), showered and waited for Jenny.We waited and waited, and still no sign. There is a complimentary bus from the airport to our hostel so when she landed all she has to do is call and they pick her up. After about four phone calls and two hours of waiting, Jenny finally turned up. It turned out she had been waiting in the wrong place making it pretty difficult for the driver to find her. Talk about needle in a haystack; Sydney airport’s hardly small.It was a nice day so we just went walkabout. We spent a little time at Bondi beach; I still don’t really see what the big attraction is; it’s got sand and sea and surf. So what so have a thousand other beaches and they’re not in rip-offville Australia.It’s just come to my attention, that having been in Australia almost nine weeks, I still haven’t stepped foot in the sea. Oh well, I’m not much of a swimmer anyway. Because I had a crappy sleep on the bus I fell asleep at 18:00p.m. It didn’t really matter though as tomorrows the action-packed day.
THURSDAY 16TH APRIL
Today is our last day in Sydney so I’m going to climb the Harbour bridge. Louise has done it before, so Jenny’s coming with me instead. We arrive at 09:00a.m bright and early, ready to conquer something that has been conquered over two million times previously. It’s an expensive activity to partake at almost AU$200, but it’s something you should do, just to say you’ve done it. When it’s your groups turn, a guide takes you into the change rooms and there you have to don a massive set of overalls . After ten minutes of fretting that you look like a giant baby, you regain your poise when you step outside and realise everyone else looks the same; it even suits some of them, worse still you can see that some of them are disturbingly comfortable in their new garb. When I finished reeling in shock we then had to go through a load of safety gubbins (that includes being told the only personal stuff you’re allowed to take are glasses/sunglasses) before we were to undertake our ascent, but I suppose that’s the culture we’re in. After almost an hour of being told we’re not going to die, we finally set off. We have a few bits of scaffolding (from the bridge itself not builders, although they are currently working on it) to negotiate and then we’re on to the main part of the bridge looking at Sydney and the harbour in every direction. It’s a pretty special sight. Some of the things I expected to see, such as the opera house (obviously) I saw. But there was plenty that I didn’t expect to see, such as the ANZAC bridge that was clearly visible down the Parramatta river. Our guide explained everything we saw through our Navy SEAL headsets. There’s also the cheesy stuff you have to do i.e. the posing with the rest of your group, but it’s all good fun.When you get back to the main building you get to see all the photographs that the guide took; most of them are really bad. You feel obliged to buy at least one though (for proof more than anything) as the group one you get free has people on it that you don’t really know. After our bridge climb, we head to the opera house for the second time to get a few more photos. While we’re there, there is a group of young musicians singing and doing hand movements to some song that I had never heard or want to hear again. I think I’ll die of embarrassment on the spot if I do. In the evening we went on a trip up the river to visit the aquarium. Although I’m not a big fan of the sea in terms of swimming, I am fascinated by everything that lives in it. We spent almost three hours strolling around. I could have spent longer gawping at the marine life, but the girls were about ready so I thought it best to leave.We grabbed our last meal together and then headed for the hostel. We’ve all got long days tomorrow, so it’s a few light ales then bed.
FRIDAY 17TH APRIL
Jenny woke me up at around 05:30a.m to say goodbye to me and Louise. All I could respond with was mmmaarhghgh, which as far as I’m concerned is ‘farewell and have a safe journey.’ Louise and I were soon up and out on our way to Sydney airport for the final time.At the airport there was a huge queue for check-in; we both forgot that international departures give you three hours to check in, not two. When we made it to the desk we were informed that our brilliant tour operator had not issued us a ticket for the next leg of the journey so we couldn’t get on the plane to Christchurch. If it hadn’t been for the wonderfully helpful woman at the desk we could have been stranded in the airport for who knows how long.New Zealand airlines are a brilliant airline to fly with; we were flying on the relatively new airbus, so that made a big difference. On the plane, as well as the surprisingly good food, you get to watch one of about 100 different shows or films. I opted to watch ‘The Last Waltz,’ the Martin Scorsese film about The Band’s (Bob Dylan’s backing band after he went electric) final live performance. It’s a must for anyone who has any musical taste of any degree.
It’s our last day in Taree so most of it was spent deciding when and what to pack. Most of the trip we’ve carried around far too much far too often. With that in mind we’ve decided to scale down and get rid of the crap. We did go out for a little while and I purchased another pair of jeans; today is officially the last day I’m going to wear crap clothes. I’ve got two days in Sydney, and then it’s on to New Zealand; where I will be wearing proper clothes as it’s supposedly already freezing cold and it’s only mid April. There’s not much else to say about today as we didn’t really do a lot else apart from wait for our bus to Sydney, which is at 00:55a.m Wednesday morning.When the time came Kel gave us a lift to the bus station around midnight as the bus could arrive at any time. When we went to Port Macquarie it was an hour and a half late, so we’re not taking any chances. As it turned out the bus was 25 minutes late, so all in all, we waited an hour and a half for the bus; and the driver almost left us as he told us our bus would be along in twenty minutes. It wasn’t until we made him check that he realised we were on his bus. As soon as we were on the bus we were both gone. I think it must be all the waiting around that does it.
WEDNESDAY 15TH APRIL
We arrived in Sydney at 06:30, picked up our bags (of which there are still too many even after the clearout) and headed to King’s Cross where we’re meeting Louise’s cousin Jenny, who’s come to meet us while she’s in the country.After an argument with the twat on reception, we got into our room (a private one as well. Somehow it was cheaper than a dorm), showered and waited for Jenny.We waited and waited, and still no sign. There is a complimentary bus from the airport to our hostel so when she landed all she has to do is call and they pick her up. After about four phone calls and two hours of waiting, Jenny finally turned up. It turned out she had been waiting in the wrong place making it pretty difficult for the driver to find her. Talk about needle in a haystack; Sydney airport’s hardly small.It was a nice day so we just went walkabout. We spent a little time at Bondi beach; I still don’t really see what the big attraction is; it’s got sand and sea and surf. So what so have a thousand other beaches and they’re not in rip-offville Australia.It’s just come to my attention, that having been in Australia almost nine weeks, I still haven’t stepped foot in the sea. Oh well, I’m not much of a swimmer anyway. Because I had a crappy sleep on the bus I fell asleep at 18:00p.m. It didn’t really matter though as tomorrows the action-packed day.
THURSDAY 16TH APRIL
Today is our last day in Sydney so I’m going to climb the Harbour bridge. Louise has done it before, so Jenny’s coming with me instead. We arrive at 09:00a.m bright and early, ready to conquer something that has been conquered over two million times previously. It’s an expensive activity to partake at almost AU$200, but it’s something you should do, just to say you’ve done it. When it’s your groups turn, a guide takes you into the change rooms and there you have to don a massive set of overalls . After ten minutes of fretting that you look like a giant baby, you regain your poise when you step outside and realise everyone else looks the same; it even suits some of them, worse still you can see that some of them are disturbingly comfortable in their new garb. When I finished reeling in shock we then had to go through a load of safety gubbins (that includes being told the only personal stuff you’re allowed to take are glasses/sunglasses) before we were to undertake our ascent, but I suppose that’s the culture we’re in. After almost an hour of being told we’re not going to die, we finally set off. We have a few bits of scaffolding (from the bridge itself not builders, although they are currently working on it) to negotiate and then we’re on to the main part of the bridge looking at Sydney and the harbour in every direction. It’s a pretty special sight. Some of the things I expected to see, such as the opera house (obviously) I saw. But there was plenty that I didn’t expect to see, such as the ANZAC bridge that was clearly visible down the Parramatta river. Our guide explained everything we saw through our Navy SEAL headsets. There’s also the cheesy stuff you have to do i.e. the posing with the rest of your group, but it’s all good fun.When you get back to the main building you get to see all the photographs that the guide took; most of them are really bad. You feel obliged to buy at least one though (for proof more than anything) as the group one you get free has people on it that you don’t really know. After our bridge climb, we head to the opera house for the second time to get a few more photos. While we’re there, there is a group of young musicians singing and doing hand movements to some song that I had never heard or want to hear again. I think I’ll die of embarrassment on the spot if I do. In the evening we went on a trip up the river to visit the aquarium. Although I’m not a big fan of the sea in terms of swimming, I am fascinated by everything that lives in it. We spent almost three hours strolling around. I could have spent longer gawping at the marine life, but the girls were about ready so I thought it best to leave.We grabbed our last meal together and then headed for the hostel. We’ve all got long days tomorrow, so it’s a few light ales then bed.
FRIDAY 17TH APRIL
Jenny woke me up at around 05:30a.m to say goodbye to me and Louise. All I could respond with was mmmaarhghgh, which as far as I’m concerned is ‘farewell and have a safe journey.’ Louise and I were soon up and out on our way to Sydney airport for the final time.At the airport there was a huge queue for check-in; we both forgot that international departures give you three hours to check in, not two. When we made it to the desk we were informed that our brilliant tour operator had not issued us a ticket for the next leg of the journey so we couldn’t get on the plane to Christchurch. If it hadn’t been for the wonderfully helpful woman at the desk we could have been stranded in the airport for who knows how long.New Zealand airlines are a brilliant airline to fly with; we were flying on the relatively new airbus, so that made a big difference. On the plane, as well as the surprisingly good food, you get to watch one of about 100 different shows or films. I opted to watch ‘The Last Waltz,’ the Martin Scorsese film about The Band’s (Bob Dylan’s backing band after he went electric) final live performance. It’s a must for anyone who has any musical taste of any degree.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
You Can't Use Eggs (7-13/4/09)
TUESDAY 7TH APRIL
I think today is the only day so far on my trip that I don’t have anything of any note to write about. The only thing I did all day was to go to the local Bi-Lo and buy a ready cooked chicken for Kel, a pint of chocolate milk and a copy of the Australian edition of Zoo magazine. Shannon is feeling better today; although the stitches are still a bit sore.
WEDNESDAY 8TH APRIL
Today with Kel at work and Mackenzie at day care, Louise, Shannon and myself go to a little town on the coast called Forster. It looks to me like a little bit like second-home town for the rich. There are hundreds of luxury flats all along the beach front; most of them look like they’re empty for about 10 months of the year. We park up by the beach and just watch the ocean. I can see why people would want a second home here; the beach is exquisite and the sea is as clear as any I’ve ever seen. I even see a dolphin just swimming along, surfacing every so often patrolling for sharks. The girls go for a pub lunch and I have a couple of pints. This is actually only the second time I’ve had a pint in a pub in Australia (Once was in the RSL in Wynyard. Another time in Adelaide the barmaid swore that a 15oz glass was a pint. I told her it might be in Australia and America, but its 20ozs in England. No wonder neither of them can drink properly.). It shows as well as I get it in what the old fellas back home would call a ‘jug’ equipped with a handle. I feel like I’m in an episode of The Sweeney.
THURSDAY 9TH APRIL
For some reason I got up at 04:30a.m to watch Liverpool get outclassed by Chelsea. At half time during the ads I decided to have a look what is on terrestrial TV in Australia at this ungodly hour. What I stumbled across was a TV Evangelist named Benny Hinn (perhaps after all it’s not an ungodly hour). Now I’m not into TV Evangelism but this guy was as rubbish as the rest of them. If you sped the tape up and put on the Benny Hill music, then maybe I’d have bought a ticket to one of his seminars.Today Shannon told us that we’d been invited to go going camping for two nights from tomorrow at a farm about 30 minutes away. Louise and I aren’t bothered as Shannon and Kel said that there won’t be much happening as it’s a holiday weekend. It’s all agreed so now we have to go shopping for food and beer. I hate shopping.Oh my Lord. I hate grocery shopping at the best of times and today’s no different as it’s Easter weekend starting tomorrow. The local supermarket is absolutely chock-a-block. I don’t think I’ve ever a seen this many people in such a small place. People are just wandering around aimlessly, it’s a haphazard mess. People are like sheep when it comes to holiday shopping; all they do is follow the crowd and bleat. Hundreds of people are banging trolleys into each other, putting anything and everything into their carts. Then there’s the old people. All they want is a tin of condensed milk, a tin of cat food and a bag of wine gums but they still use what seems like a supersized trolley and they can’t see more than three feet in front of themselves. Somehow these 4ft 8in 70yr olds have the power of a second row forward when they have a shopping trolley under their control, so when they inevitably run into you, you end up like them, in need of a hip replacement. I’d like to say that it’s any different back home but it’s not; it’s exactly the same but at Christmas time when the shops are closed for two days. Here however the supermarket’s not even closed for the whole weekend; it’s only closed for one day on Good Friday.I still hate shopping
FRIDAY 10TH APRIL (GOOD FRIDAY)
Having got up at 08:00a.m, I’m raring to go, I’m like a kid when it comes to camping. We pack the car up and wait for the rest of the group; Shannon’s brother Aaron and his girlfriend Sarah. When they turn up they also bring Shannon and Aaron’s younger brother Jye (pronounced like the gi in gigantic), who is affectionately known by the family as Red, due to his bright ginger hair. We get to the campsite and there are already a few people there that Kel and Shannon know, so we all get acquainted.Due to going to the Glastonbury Festival for the last two years (I’m not going this year and I’m pissed because it’s being headlined by Springsteen and Neil Young), Louise and I are experts at putting up tents in the shitiest of conditions. Because it’s dry and sunny we have the tent and the inflatable mattress up in less than fifteen minutes. Good job all round. Meanwhile Aaron and Sarah put their tent up wrong at the first attempt; they make a schoolboy error and don’t put the cross poles in first, the result is a collapsed mess of poles and fabric. Kel and Shannon are worse still. They have an eight man tent with about six thousand compartments. After a lot of shouting and arm waving the rest of us give them a hand the tent is up in ten minutes. It’s not really an eight man, it’s closer to six, and there are four very spacious compartments. As we put up our tent first, I reward myself with a crate of Toohey’s New; which I consumed forthwith. In between drinks we manage to drag ourselves away from the campsite and go tramping around the fields. I manage to lose a flip-flop (for some reason Aussies call them thongs) as soon as I step into the stream; this gives me another reason why I shouldn’t be wearing them. Our ‘tour guide’ for the mini expedition is Kylie (yes, really) and she retrieved my thong that had floated 50 yards downstream.We go back to the campsite and apart from eating 15 prawns I don’t remember much else. Apparently I drank all bar one of the twenty four bottles of beer I had and one can of rum and coke. Then I proceeded to sing Born To Run word for word (with air drums) before throwing up said prawns, and collapsing in bed.
SATURDAY 11TH APRIL
Woke up with a head as thick as a hotel heiress so Louise went out for two hours without me. In the mean time it took me until I almost baked to death inside the tent before I moved (out of interest, why are tents freezing in winter and like an industrial oven in the summer?). After showering and having the best hangover food ever (two bacon and egg baps), I waited for Louise and the rest of the gang to return where I was told of last night’s escapades. After sweating a bit more a group of us headed to Ellenburgh Falls which is in fact the biggest waterfall in the southern hemisphere. When we arrived we bumped into the obligatory group of Japanese tourists; one of whom was carrying a steamer full of cooked rice, and then went for a look. The top of the falls was only cordoned off in 2000 due to a young boy getting caught in the current and falling to his death. Before that happened you were free to swim at the top which to me seems a pretty dangerous thing to do. After a short walk, we had the choice to go to the bottom of the falls (a mere 645 steps) or walk 400yds to the opposite side to get a view of the falls in all its glory. We did the latter as none of us were in any mood for lunch time step class. A quick stop at the viewing point and a few photographs later, we get back in the car and drive the 10 miles back (over bumpy gravel roads just to make my guts churn a bit more) to the campsite.Back at the site I just sit feeling sorry for myself and have eat loads of stodge to try and get rid of the last remnants of my hangover.Before long I feel well enough to drink again. But it turns out to be a false dawn as after three bottles I get nauseas and give in; I stick to soft drinks and tea for the rest of the night. For some reason my hangovers are lasting well into the next day. I think I’m past my optimum drinking age and ability at a mere 28 years of age.
SUNDAY 12TH APRIL
Today is Easter Sunday and it’s supposed to represent the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Back in the UK however, it’s a day for giving each other chocolate eggs. And being British I am no exception and I give Louise one (an egg) and she gives me one (also an egg). Somewhere along the line they say it’s intended to represent spring time and the dawn of new life i.e. the birth of chicks or other egg hatching based animals. How is it then, in Australia they have the same tradition? Over here on this very day we’re in bloody autumn not spring; surely kids here should wake up to a load of sludgy brown leaves that have been left by the Easter Sheep (or a more apt autumnal based animal that I can’t think of right now: what about a stoat?).I don’t know I’m just rambling. Never mind, I’ve got to pack up my tent now and see what’s within the four kinder surprises’ that I’ve been left by the Easter Stoat.
MONDAY 13TH APRIL
After the five of us cabbaged out yesterday afternoon, we thought we’d go and do something a little more constructive today. With that thought in mind we headed for Taree to see what the bright lights of the small to mid-sized town had to offer.As it happened only the supermarkets were open due to it being holiday Monday so I spent a couple of hours wandering like a lost soul. However, I did manage to pick up a live DVD of ‘The Highwaymen’ for only AU$10, which I thought was a bargain.Louise treated us to some of her delightful cooking for tea and cooked roast pork with all the extras. It was amazing; it’s the first time in over six months since I’ve had a genuine roast dinner. We even had Yorkshire pudding and stuffing; pure ecstasy on a plate.
After dinner we sat a watched a show called ‘The Biggest Loser.’ Although it sounds like it, it’s not a show where a bunch of sci-fi nerds sit and discuss what the new Star Trek film is going to be like. In fact it’s a show where really fat people (by really fat I mean clinically obese) go on TV to try and lose the most weight. Essentially what it boils down to is, we the happily fat people sit and watch unhappy fat people on TV exercise just enough to be at a reasonable weight. Because they then lose the entire weight of a 13 year old girl, they then think they have the right to then bore us to death with the story of their ‘journey’ from being a fatty to a not so fatty whilst crying about how proud their equally fat partners/parents are of their achievements. What they should do is not exercise; they should put them in a blueberry pie eating contest and whoever throws up first is ‘The Biggest Loser.’ For a start it would be more entertaining and I wouldn’t want to kick the TV in every time I see the smug presenters face. To keep it fresh they should change the pie flavour every week, and if they want to go out on a limb, maybe they should make a strawberry flan for the really special occasions.
I think today is the only day so far on my trip that I don’t have anything of any note to write about. The only thing I did all day was to go to the local Bi-Lo and buy a ready cooked chicken for Kel, a pint of chocolate milk and a copy of the Australian edition of Zoo magazine. Shannon is feeling better today; although the stitches are still a bit sore.
WEDNESDAY 8TH APRIL
Today with Kel at work and Mackenzie at day care, Louise, Shannon and myself go to a little town on the coast called Forster. It looks to me like a little bit like second-home town for the rich. There are hundreds of luxury flats all along the beach front; most of them look like they’re empty for about 10 months of the year. We park up by the beach and just watch the ocean. I can see why people would want a second home here; the beach is exquisite and the sea is as clear as any I’ve ever seen. I even see a dolphin just swimming along, surfacing every so often patrolling for sharks. The girls go for a pub lunch and I have a couple of pints. This is actually only the second time I’ve had a pint in a pub in Australia (Once was in the RSL in Wynyard. Another time in Adelaide the barmaid swore that a 15oz glass was a pint. I told her it might be in Australia and America, but its 20ozs in England. No wonder neither of them can drink properly.). It shows as well as I get it in what the old fellas back home would call a ‘jug’ equipped with a handle. I feel like I’m in an episode of The Sweeney.
THURSDAY 9TH APRIL
For some reason I got up at 04:30a.m to watch Liverpool get outclassed by Chelsea. At half time during the ads I decided to have a look what is on terrestrial TV in Australia at this ungodly hour. What I stumbled across was a TV Evangelist named Benny Hinn (perhaps after all it’s not an ungodly hour). Now I’m not into TV Evangelism but this guy was as rubbish as the rest of them. If you sped the tape up and put on the Benny Hill music, then maybe I’d have bought a ticket to one of his seminars.Today Shannon told us that we’d been invited to go going camping for two nights from tomorrow at a farm about 30 minutes away. Louise and I aren’t bothered as Shannon and Kel said that there won’t be much happening as it’s a holiday weekend. It’s all agreed so now we have to go shopping for food and beer. I hate shopping.Oh my Lord. I hate grocery shopping at the best of times and today’s no different as it’s Easter weekend starting tomorrow. The local supermarket is absolutely chock-a-block. I don’t think I’ve ever a seen this many people in such a small place. People are just wandering around aimlessly, it’s a haphazard mess. People are like sheep when it comes to holiday shopping; all they do is follow the crowd and bleat. Hundreds of people are banging trolleys into each other, putting anything and everything into their carts. Then there’s the old people. All they want is a tin of condensed milk, a tin of cat food and a bag of wine gums but they still use what seems like a supersized trolley and they can’t see more than three feet in front of themselves. Somehow these 4ft 8in 70yr olds have the power of a second row forward when they have a shopping trolley under their control, so when they inevitably run into you, you end up like them, in need of a hip replacement. I’d like to say that it’s any different back home but it’s not; it’s exactly the same but at Christmas time when the shops are closed for two days. Here however the supermarket’s not even closed for the whole weekend; it’s only closed for one day on Good Friday.I still hate shopping
FRIDAY 10TH APRIL (GOOD FRIDAY)
Having got up at 08:00a.m, I’m raring to go, I’m like a kid when it comes to camping. We pack the car up and wait for the rest of the group; Shannon’s brother Aaron and his girlfriend Sarah. When they turn up they also bring Shannon and Aaron’s younger brother Jye (pronounced like the gi in gigantic), who is affectionately known by the family as Red, due to his bright ginger hair. We get to the campsite and there are already a few people there that Kel and Shannon know, so we all get acquainted.Due to going to the Glastonbury Festival for the last two years (I’m not going this year and I’m pissed because it’s being headlined by Springsteen and Neil Young), Louise and I are experts at putting up tents in the shitiest of conditions. Because it’s dry and sunny we have the tent and the inflatable mattress up in less than fifteen minutes. Good job all round. Meanwhile Aaron and Sarah put their tent up wrong at the first attempt; they make a schoolboy error and don’t put the cross poles in first, the result is a collapsed mess of poles and fabric. Kel and Shannon are worse still. They have an eight man tent with about six thousand compartments. After a lot of shouting and arm waving the rest of us give them a hand the tent is up in ten minutes. It’s not really an eight man, it’s closer to six, and there are four very spacious compartments. As we put up our tent first, I reward myself with a crate of Toohey’s New; which I consumed forthwith. In between drinks we manage to drag ourselves away from the campsite and go tramping around the fields. I manage to lose a flip-flop (for some reason Aussies call them thongs) as soon as I step into the stream; this gives me another reason why I shouldn’t be wearing them. Our ‘tour guide’ for the mini expedition is Kylie (yes, really) and she retrieved my thong that had floated 50 yards downstream.We go back to the campsite and apart from eating 15 prawns I don’t remember much else. Apparently I drank all bar one of the twenty four bottles of beer I had and one can of rum and coke. Then I proceeded to sing Born To Run word for word (with air drums) before throwing up said prawns, and collapsing in bed.
SATURDAY 11TH APRIL
Woke up with a head as thick as a hotel heiress so Louise went out for two hours without me. In the mean time it took me until I almost baked to death inside the tent before I moved (out of interest, why are tents freezing in winter and like an industrial oven in the summer?). After showering and having the best hangover food ever (two bacon and egg baps), I waited for Louise and the rest of the gang to return where I was told of last night’s escapades. After sweating a bit more a group of us headed to Ellenburgh Falls which is in fact the biggest waterfall in the southern hemisphere. When we arrived we bumped into the obligatory group of Japanese tourists; one of whom was carrying a steamer full of cooked rice, and then went for a look. The top of the falls was only cordoned off in 2000 due to a young boy getting caught in the current and falling to his death. Before that happened you were free to swim at the top which to me seems a pretty dangerous thing to do. After a short walk, we had the choice to go to the bottom of the falls (a mere 645 steps) or walk 400yds to the opposite side to get a view of the falls in all its glory. We did the latter as none of us were in any mood for lunch time step class. A quick stop at the viewing point and a few photographs later, we get back in the car and drive the 10 miles back (over bumpy gravel roads just to make my guts churn a bit more) to the campsite.Back at the site I just sit feeling sorry for myself and have eat loads of stodge to try and get rid of the last remnants of my hangover.Before long I feel well enough to drink again. But it turns out to be a false dawn as after three bottles I get nauseas and give in; I stick to soft drinks and tea for the rest of the night. For some reason my hangovers are lasting well into the next day. I think I’m past my optimum drinking age and ability at a mere 28 years of age.
SUNDAY 12TH APRIL
Today is Easter Sunday and it’s supposed to represent the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Back in the UK however, it’s a day for giving each other chocolate eggs. And being British I am no exception and I give Louise one (an egg) and she gives me one (also an egg). Somewhere along the line they say it’s intended to represent spring time and the dawn of new life i.e. the birth of chicks or other egg hatching based animals. How is it then, in Australia they have the same tradition? Over here on this very day we’re in bloody autumn not spring; surely kids here should wake up to a load of sludgy brown leaves that have been left by the Easter Sheep (or a more apt autumnal based animal that I can’t think of right now: what about a stoat?).I don’t know I’m just rambling. Never mind, I’ve got to pack up my tent now and see what’s within the four kinder surprises’ that I’ve been left by the Easter Stoat.
MONDAY 13TH APRIL
After the five of us cabbaged out yesterday afternoon, we thought we’d go and do something a little more constructive today. With that thought in mind we headed for Taree to see what the bright lights of the small to mid-sized town had to offer.As it happened only the supermarkets were open due to it being holiday Monday so I spent a couple of hours wandering like a lost soul. However, I did manage to pick up a live DVD of ‘The Highwaymen’ for only AU$10, which I thought was a bargain.Louise treated us to some of her delightful cooking for tea and cooked roast pork with all the extras. It was amazing; it’s the first time in over six months since I’ve had a genuine roast dinner. We even had Yorkshire pudding and stuffing; pure ecstasy on a plate.
After dinner we sat a watched a show called ‘The Biggest Loser.’ Although it sounds like it, it’s not a show where a bunch of sci-fi nerds sit and discuss what the new Star Trek film is going to be like. In fact it’s a show where really fat people (by really fat I mean clinically obese) go on TV to try and lose the most weight. Essentially what it boils down to is, we the happily fat people sit and watch unhappy fat people on TV exercise just enough to be at a reasonable weight. Because they then lose the entire weight of a 13 year old girl, they then think they have the right to then bore us to death with the story of their ‘journey’ from being a fatty to a not so fatty whilst crying about how proud their equally fat partners/parents are of their achievements. What they should do is not exercise; they should put them in a blueberry pie eating contest and whoever throws up first is ‘The Biggest Loser.’ For a start it would be more entertaining and I wouldn’t want to kick the TV in every time I see the smug presenters face. To keep it fresh they should change the pie flavour every week, and if they want to go out on a limb, maybe they should make a strawberry flan for the really special occasions.
Can You Believe They Do It For Fun? (01-06/4/09)
WEDNESDAY 1ST APRIL
We’re leaving Brisbane today and going south to Coffs Harbour for a few days. Firstly though, we have a nine hour bus journey to contend with. Bus journeys do my head in more than I could possibly moan about. This was no different. I read a whole book from cover to cover, listened to the rain and a bit of I-pod and then heard the brilliant news over the radio: Coffs Harbour has had its worst rain in years and the entire town is flooded. This was no April fool’s joke. Wonderful. With this in mind we made the decision to stay on the bus and head to see our friends in Port Macquarie. The driver on the bus didn’t have a problem with us doing so, so that was that, another three hours on the bus.When we realised we were nearly at Port, we got our things ready and waited to get off. We passed the exit and thought nothing of it; surely there would be another one further on up the road. Five minutes passed and we still hadn’t turned off so Louise went to ask the driver when we’d be getting into town. Apparently the previous bus driver had told him no one was getting off at Port Macquarie so he was OK to go straight on to Sydney because they were an hour behind schedule. After we explained the situation, and he’d driven another fifteen minutes down the road, the bus turned around and headed back to Port Macquarie.We finally made it to the coach stop and were met by our friend Tony and his wife Rochelle (who was waiting in the car in her pyjamas as it was 01:15a.m). They took us to their house and then Louise, Tony and I sat up until 05:00a.m drinking and catching up.
THURSDAY 2ND APRIL
We awoke at lunch time to an empty house; no surprises there I suppose Tony and Rochelle both had to work. We got ourselves ready and walked out of the house, looked at each other and realised we didn’t know where we were or which way we should go to get into town. After wandering aimlessly for twenty minutes we stumbled upon the first sign of life we’d seen to ask directions (Port Macquarie has a population of around 60 000, so how did it take us twenty minutes to find signs of life?), an old woman who was either deaf as a post or stupid. I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she was deaf. She eventually explained to us where we supposed to go; it was another 25 minutes to town so no bother.We eventually met up with Tony around tea time and had a couple of drinks at an expensive wine bar, before Rochelle turned up and we went for a meal at a Mexican restaurant. By the time we’d finished eating Tony was a bit worse for wear; I’m not one to judge when it comes to getting pissed as I’m as big a culprit as anyone.
FRIDAY 3RD APRIL
Tony had a thick head all day, and Louise and I couldn’t be bothered and Rochelle was at work, so the three of us we ended up staying in all day watching The Sopranos and slobbing. It rained pretty much all day anyway.
SATURDAY 4TH APRIL
After wasting away in front of the TV yesterday, we went to town to get some money for a night out. It turned out the bank had refused to put through a bank transfer that I wanted to put in Louise’s bank account. It took me two hours to sort it out and I’ve still got to wait until tomorrow to see if it’s sorted. Meanwhile, Louise’s withdrawal limit had been reduced to £30 a day for some reason. Now we’ve only got about AU$20 between us and no money available to withdraw. It wouldn’t usually be a problem, but it’s Saturday and this has happened before. After talking to the most unhelpful people at the call centre and having had to borrow money of Louise’s mum because the bank won’t let us withdraw our own money; it’s not on credit it’s my money! There was another torrential downpour just as we were about to head out for the night, so we got a taxi into town. I got piss wet through walking to the cab, and when I got out I trod in a puddle that was about six inches deep; soaking the first pair of jeans I’ve worn in over six months.After a few drinks in the warm-up pubs we headed to the local night club. This is the only night club I’ve been in all of Australia that doesn’t bother with ID as it’s full of kids. There was also a limit to the amount of drinks you can buy in one go to three. So because there was four of us in the group two of us had to go to the bar to get four drinks!
SUNDAY 5TH APRIL
In Port Macquarie today there is an ‘Ironman Triathlon’ going on. It starts at 06:00a.m and you have until 23:00p.m to complete it. It involves a 3.8km (2.4miles) swim in the sea, a 180km (112.5miles) cycle and a 42.2km (26miles 385yds: a marathon) run. The people that are doing this are not Olympic athletes; they’re just normal fitness fanatics who want to do it! Shit, if I had to do this I’d need a month!While the tri-athletes were swimming, cycling and running the four of us went for a drive. At home if you go for a drive you probably only go twenty miles up the road. This is Australia though and you have to drive about 5o miles to get to another town. We went to Crescent Heads; I can’t remember where it is but I do remember there’s a big cliff. On the ocean side, it looks a little bit like the Giants Causeway in Northern Ireland. We also went somewhere else and had expensive fish and chips. I don’t remember the name of the town, but on the way through the countryside I saw a lot of cows, sheep and horses. One of the horses must have thought he was in fancy dress as he looked like the equine Zorro. Not much doing in the evening. We watched a bit of the triathlon. It was 18:00p.m and there was still one cyclist out. Afterwards we watched Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler.’ It’s pretty good; the soundtrack makes the film so much better as it’s all rock music. What else could you have on the soundtrack of a wrestling film? It wouldn’t work with jazz music would it?
MONDAY 6TH APRIL
It’s our final day in Port Macquarie before we head inland a bit to Taree. First of all we have a few errands to run. The bank is still fucking us about so we’ve got them to sort out. While we’re on the mooch in town, we see a hell of a lot of people who look like they’ve just done an ‘Ironman’ contest. If I’m not mistaken the ones in spandex leggings with shorts over the top (a la a half arsed Superman) probably have done, but the others I think are just OAP’s (Senior Citizens). After we bid farewell to Rochelle and Tony we wait on our new chauffeur Kel who arrives around 14:30p.m with Mackenzie his young daughter, but without his wife Shannon who is in hospital for the day.We head to Taree, which is about 50 miles away; it took us over an hour because there was a load of fucking road works. So contrary to popular belief, it’s not just England that has them everywhere.We arrive at our home for the next week in Wingham; not Taree as I thought (although it is the next town), and settle in to our new room. It’s got a real bed which is a bonus as Tony and Rochelle only had and airbed that didn’t pump up fully. Due to bad posture in my sleep I snored like a tractor and Louise didn’t sleep properly for the entire time we stayed.Later on in the day Kel went to pick up Shannon from the hospital. She’s a little bit tender and quite groggy, and in her own words ‘feels like utter shit.’
We’re leaving Brisbane today and going south to Coffs Harbour for a few days. Firstly though, we have a nine hour bus journey to contend with. Bus journeys do my head in more than I could possibly moan about. This was no different. I read a whole book from cover to cover, listened to the rain and a bit of I-pod and then heard the brilliant news over the radio: Coffs Harbour has had its worst rain in years and the entire town is flooded. This was no April fool’s joke. Wonderful. With this in mind we made the decision to stay on the bus and head to see our friends in Port Macquarie. The driver on the bus didn’t have a problem with us doing so, so that was that, another three hours on the bus.When we realised we were nearly at Port, we got our things ready and waited to get off. We passed the exit and thought nothing of it; surely there would be another one further on up the road. Five minutes passed and we still hadn’t turned off so Louise went to ask the driver when we’d be getting into town. Apparently the previous bus driver had told him no one was getting off at Port Macquarie so he was OK to go straight on to Sydney because they were an hour behind schedule. After we explained the situation, and he’d driven another fifteen minutes down the road, the bus turned around and headed back to Port Macquarie.We finally made it to the coach stop and were met by our friend Tony and his wife Rochelle (who was waiting in the car in her pyjamas as it was 01:15a.m). They took us to their house and then Louise, Tony and I sat up until 05:00a.m drinking and catching up.
THURSDAY 2ND APRIL
We awoke at lunch time to an empty house; no surprises there I suppose Tony and Rochelle both had to work. We got ourselves ready and walked out of the house, looked at each other and realised we didn’t know where we were or which way we should go to get into town. After wandering aimlessly for twenty minutes we stumbled upon the first sign of life we’d seen to ask directions (Port Macquarie has a population of around 60 000, so how did it take us twenty minutes to find signs of life?), an old woman who was either deaf as a post or stupid. I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she was deaf. She eventually explained to us where we supposed to go; it was another 25 minutes to town so no bother.We eventually met up with Tony around tea time and had a couple of drinks at an expensive wine bar, before Rochelle turned up and we went for a meal at a Mexican restaurant. By the time we’d finished eating Tony was a bit worse for wear; I’m not one to judge when it comes to getting pissed as I’m as big a culprit as anyone.
FRIDAY 3RD APRIL
Tony had a thick head all day, and Louise and I couldn’t be bothered and Rochelle was at work, so the three of us we ended up staying in all day watching The Sopranos and slobbing. It rained pretty much all day anyway.
SATURDAY 4TH APRIL
After wasting away in front of the TV yesterday, we went to town to get some money for a night out. It turned out the bank had refused to put through a bank transfer that I wanted to put in Louise’s bank account. It took me two hours to sort it out and I’ve still got to wait until tomorrow to see if it’s sorted. Meanwhile, Louise’s withdrawal limit had been reduced to £30 a day for some reason. Now we’ve only got about AU$20 between us and no money available to withdraw. It wouldn’t usually be a problem, but it’s Saturday and this has happened before. After talking to the most unhelpful people at the call centre and having had to borrow money of Louise’s mum because the bank won’t let us withdraw our own money; it’s not on credit it’s my money! There was another torrential downpour just as we were about to head out for the night, so we got a taxi into town. I got piss wet through walking to the cab, and when I got out I trod in a puddle that was about six inches deep; soaking the first pair of jeans I’ve worn in over six months.After a few drinks in the warm-up pubs we headed to the local night club. This is the only night club I’ve been in all of Australia that doesn’t bother with ID as it’s full of kids. There was also a limit to the amount of drinks you can buy in one go to three. So because there was four of us in the group two of us had to go to the bar to get four drinks!
SUNDAY 5TH APRIL
In Port Macquarie today there is an ‘Ironman Triathlon’ going on. It starts at 06:00a.m and you have until 23:00p.m to complete it. It involves a 3.8km (2.4miles) swim in the sea, a 180km (112.5miles) cycle and a 42.2km (26miles 385yds: a marathon) run. The people that are doing this are not Olympic athletes; they’re just normal fitness fanatics who want to do it! Shit, if I had to do this I’d need a month!While the tri-athletes were swimming, cycling and running the four of us went for a drive. At home if you go for a drive you probably only go twenty miles up the road. This is Australia though and you have to drive about 5o miles to get to another town. We went to Crescent Heads; I can’t remember where it is but I do remember there’s a big cliff. On the ocean side, it looks a little bit like the Giants Causeway in Northern Ireland. We also went somewhere else and had expensive fish and chips. I don’t remember the name of the town, but on the way through the countryside I saw a lot of cows, sheep and horses. One of the horses must have thought he was in fancy dress as he looked like the equine Zorro. Not much doing in the evening. We watched a bit of the triathlon. It was 18:00p.m and there was still one cyclist out. Afterwards we watched Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler.’ It’s pretty good; the soundtrack makes the film so much better as it’s all rock music. What else could you have on the soundtrack of a wrestling film? It wouldn’t work with jazz music would it?
MONDAY 6TH APRIL
It’s our final day in Port Macquarie before we head inland a bit to Taree. First of all we have a few errands to run. The bank is still fucking us about so we’ve got them to sort out. While we’re on the mooch in town, we see a hell of a lot of people who look like they’ve just done an ‘Ironman’ contest. If I’m not mistaken the ones in spandex leggings with shorts over the top (a la a half arsed Superman) probably have done, but the others I think are just OAP’s (Senior Citizens). After we bid farewell to Rochelle and Tony we wait on our new chauffeur Kel who arrives around 14:30p.m with Mackenzie his young daughter, but without his wife Shannon who is in hospital for the day.We head to Taree, which is about 50 miles away; it took us over an hour because there was a load of fucking road works. So contrary to popular belief, it’s not just England that has them everywhere.We arrive at our home for the next week in Wingham; not Taree as I thought (although it is the next town), and settle in to our new room. It’s got a real bed which is a bonus as Tony and Rochelle only had and airbed that didn’t pump up fully. Due to bad posture in my sleep I snored like a tractor and Louise didn’t sleep properly for the entire time we stayed.Later on in the day Kel went to pick up Shannon from the hospital. She’s a little bit tender and quite groggy, and in her own words ‘feels like utter shit.’
Have You Ever Seen One Of These? (29-31/3/09)
SUNDAY 29TH MARCH
Today we say our goodbyes to Jo, Kev, Juppi, Max and the rest of Winton. It’s been better than I expected out here. I thought it would just be full of Aussie rednecks when I first arrived. We have an afternoon flight from Longreach at 16:15p.m. Because there isn’t a bus on Sundays, Jo is giving us a lift. On the way in I didn’t really look at the scenery, as I was too engrossed in a book. On the return journey I wish I had something to read. All we saw were green fields (as opposed to the usually brown ones due to the flooding) two emus and a greyhound bus. Driving anywhere in the outback you really don’t see much. No wonder crazy truck drivers kill backpackers; they need something to do to pass the time. We arrived at Longreach for our flight and said one last goodbye to Jo and Juppi. Whilst waiting for the plane we saw six young Aboriginal lads who looked like they’d just been to a gay cowboy fancy dress party, the rules must have stipulated that you must dress exactly the same as at least one other Aboriginal gay cowboy, because all of them looked the same. There wasn’t much to say about the flight to Brisbane itself. I was still terrified as usual. However on check-in the lady at the desk didn’t even weigh our bags. As I’ve said before they’re mainly there just to piss me off. This lady should hold seminars for check-in staff on ‘How Not To Be A Cunt To Every Passenger You Speak To.’When we got into Brisbane city, Louise forgot which way it was to the hostel. After nagging at me for not knowing either, we did the right thing and rang up. When we made it there (it was turn right out of the transit station then take the second street on the right), there was no one at reception. Because of this we ended up talking to a woman who wasn’t even in the city via an intercom that works about as well as one at a drive-thru (sic) restaurant. After getting a whopper, three buckets of chicken and six litres of cola we were finally let in by said mystery woman. I entered the ‘security’ code into the safe (I bet you can’t guess the six digit code). We retrieved our key and finally made it to the room, still unsure as to how a woman somewhere in the middle of Australia was able to let us in with just an intercom.
MONDAY 30TH MARCH
Today we went to visit Australia Zoo, home of the famous ‘Crocodile Hunter’ Steve Irwin. On the way in to the zoo, our driver explained how Steve’s 11 year old daughter is now a star in her own right. If you watch the show she presents it is unimaginably awful in every way. It all looks false and I can’t see it being of any benefit to anyone other than the people at the top of the heap. People should be made accountable but I’m not in any position to pass judgement as she’s not my child.It was an OK day out, but I’ve been to better zoos; London Zoo for starters. And the six hours we spent there was too long. I suppose it would be different if we had children as there was plenty to keep them entertained, but for adults it’s a little disappointing; the croc feed especially so as it only lasted a couple of minutes. When you spend a fair amount of money for the privilege you expect to be entertained more.
TUESDAY 31ST MARCH
Today we checked out the city again; I didn’t have the gut ache this time so I was a bit more comfortable. Although Brisbane is a capital city, nobody lives here or so it seems. There are some of the biggest buildings in Australia in the CBD and most of them can only be half full because when you wander around during rush hour, you don’t see that many people. All in all it was a pretty non-eventful day and I’ve had a few too many lately.
Today we say our goodbyes to Jo, Kev, Juppi, Max and the rest of Winton. It’s been better than I expected out here. I thought it would just be full of Aussie rednecks when I first arrived. We have an afternoon flight from Longreach at 16:15p.m. Because there isn’t a bus on Sundays, Jo is giving us a lift. On the way in I didn’t really look at the scenery, as I was too engrossed in a book. On the return journey I wish I had something to read. All we saw were green fields (as opposed to the usually brown ones due to the flooding) two emus and a greyhound bus. Driving anywhere in the outback you really don’t see much. No wonder crazy truck drivers kill backpackers; they need something to do to pass the time. We arrived at Longreach for our flight and said one last goodbye to Jo and Juppi. Whilst waiting for the plane we saw six young Aboriginal lads who looked like they’d just been to a gay cowboy fancy dress party, the rules must have stipulated that you must dress exactly the same as at least one other Aboriginal gay cowboy, because all of them looked the same. There wasn’t much to say about the flight to Brisbane itself. I was still terrified as usual. However on check-in the lady at the desk didn’t even weigh our bags. As I’ve said before they’re mainly there just to piss me off. This lady should hold seminars for check-in staff on ‘How Not To Be A Cunt To Every Passenger You Speak To.’When we got into Brisbane city, Louise forgot which way it was to the hostel. After nagging at me for not knowing either, we did the right thing and rang up. When we made it there (it was turn right out of the transit station then take the second street on the right), there was no one at reception. Because of this we ended up talking to a woman who wasn’t even in the city via an intercom that works about as well as one at a drive-thru (sic) restaurant. After getting a whopper, three buckets of chicken and six litres of cola we were finally let in by said mystery woman. I entered the ‘security’ code into the safe (I bet you can’t guess the six digit code). We retrieved our key and finally made it to the room, still unsure as to how a woman somewhere in the middle of Australia was able to let us in with just an intercom.
MONDAY 30TH MARCH
Today we went to visit Australia Zoo, home of the famous ‘Crocodile Hunter’ Steve Irwin. On the way in to the zoo, our driver explained how Steve’s 11 year old daughter is now a star in her own right. If you watch the show she presents it is unimaginably awful in every way. It all looks false and I can’t see it being of any benefit to anyone other than the people at the top of the heap. People should be made accountable but I’m not in any position to pass judgement as she’s not my child.It was an OK day out, but I’ve been to better zoos; London Zoo for starters. And the six hours we spent there was too long. I suppose it would be different if we had children as there was plenty to keep them entertained, but for adults it’s a little disappointing; the croc feed especially so as it only lasted a couple of minutes. When you spend a fair amount of money for the privilege you expect to be entertained more.
TUESDAY 31ST MARCH
Today we checked out the city again; I didn’t have the gut ache this time so I was a bit more comfortable. Although Brisbane is a capital city, nobody lives here or so it seems. There are some of the biggest buildings in Australia in the CBD and most of them can only be half full because when you wander around during rush hour, you don’t see that many people. All in all it was a pretty non-eventful day and I’ve had a few too many lately.
It's Where Waltzing Matilda's From (21-28/3/09)
SATURDAY 21ST MARCH
03:50a.m: Alarm goes
04:15 a.m: Get out of bed and shower
04:45 a.m: Wait outside for pick-up as directed
05:15 a.m: Bus turns up
06:00a.m: Check-in at stupid self service terminal
06:45a.m: Board plane to Longreach, northwest Queensland
06:55a.m: Plane takes off
08:55a.m: Plane lands
09:30a.m: Get a lift to Longreach with an Irish fella
09:32a.m: Arrive Longreach town centre, and walk to bus terminal
09:35a.m: Arrive at bus terminal
09:36a.m: Realise Longreach is tiny
09:45a.m: Meet Mayor of Winton, for some reason in Longreach. Also he's very fat
10:35a.m: Board bus to Winton, QLD
12:20p.m: Arrive Winton, home of Waltzing Matilda
12:25p.m: Realise Winton is even smaller than Longreach
12:35p.m: Arrive at Winton Hotel and meet Kev (a massive 6ft 6in) and Jo (a tiny 5ft 3in)12:45p.m-23:00p.m: Talk a lot about nothing; meet Max the 68yr old barman, and Juppi the 4yr old Chihuahua. Think about food and beer a lot.
23:15: Go to bed sober and hungry.
SUNDAY 22ND MARCH
After the best sleep in over 2 weeks I manage to get out of bed around 11:00a.m. There’s no food on at lunch time, so Jo has a free morning to show us around a bit. Although the town is tiny (pop. 1100 approx.), I could see myself living out here. The people are friendly, there’s no crime, you don’t have to lock your doors and the speed of life is slow, slow, slow.In the afternoon, Kev’s off work as well so we go yabbying. Basically it’s Cray fishing in a creek rather than a stream. You have to bait up your cage and throw it in, and then you have to wait. After about 40 minutes we go back and check the cages, nothing, so we give it another 10 minutes. From 11 cages we collect a grand total of 10 yabbies. None of them are big enough to eat, so we throw them back. A bit of a disappointment for our first attempt, but still, it was a nice way to spend the afternoon. The evening Kev and Jo are working, so Louise and I are left to our own devices. By that I mean Louise sits at the bar drinking beer while I sit at the bar drinking ginger ale. I think the drugs are taking effect after 3 days; I’ve been feeling much better and haven’t been living in the bathroom for the most part of the day. Using this as a cast iron argument I decide to try and eat. I take Jo up on her offer of a home-made pizza. This was the right decision. It is without doubt the greatest pizza I have ever eaten in my entire life. If you want one, you’ll have to get to Brisbane airport, take the only plane of the day to Longreach at 06:55a.m and then get a bus from Longreach to Winton at 10:35a.m. When you arrive at Winton follow the signs for the ‘Historic Winton Hotel.’ When you arrive there at around 12:45p.m you will be able to order the greatest pizza in the world ever! It’s not difficult so stop being lazy.
MONDAY 23RD MARCH
Louise is helping out Jo today, and because I’m still on the mend, I’m not allowed to go into the kitchen. With this in mind I head to the local bookies with Max and we go and have a couple of quid on a few gee-gees. Max used to be a trainer so I keep close in case he’s got a few tips to send my way. As it turns out Max has a shocker and I don’t fare much better in my attempts to become a millionaire. The only winner that day, as it is most days is the bookie. So it’s back to Louise at the pub, metaphorical cap in hand, to see what punishment I get. Louise has had a good day herself so she lays off with the beating, which is good news for me. We settle down for tea and I enjoy mine with another can of ginger ale while everyone else sits drinking wine or beer.
TUESDAY 24th MARCH
Today is my last day on the pills, hurray! Apart from watching Australian terrestrial TV (it’s so appallingly bad, Channel 5 back in England seems like award winning television), I did very little. Louise helped out Jo in the kitchen and I finished my book. There isn’t much to do out here if you don’t have a car, not that I mind. I mean who wouldn’t want to sit in the sun without a care in the world, just reading about cricket. It’s probably only second to actually watching or playing it. My idea of bliss.
WEDNESDAY 25TH MARCH
No more pills for me, which means I can eat properly and finally have a decent drink (now that I’m 28, ginger ale’s not as good as it was when I was eight). Because we’re staying here for free and getting most of our food and drink as well, we thought we should help out a bit in the kitchen. It’s been almost six months since I did any work, so it should be fun. In the kitchen we were both back in the old routine, Louise would shout for stuff and I’d have to run and fetch it. It probably would have been different if I could remember how to cook. Never mind, eh! Jo and Kev had some other friends over from the coast, so we all went out for a meal at the local Chinese restaurant. It turns out that not only is it a Chinese, but it’s also the local RSL (Retired Services League). Inside was fascinating; as I’ve said before it’s a lot like the British Legion inside. There are loads of pictures of all the service medals awarded to British soldiers from 1849- 1960. It made me proud being able to see the medals my Grandfather had been awarded. I’d never seen them before because they’d been stolen when I was a young, before I’d had the chance to see them properly.
THURSDAY 26TH MARCH
It was pretty much more of the same today. We helped Jo out with the cooking and the like. In the afternoon we had a bit of a kip as the heat in country Queensland is still over 85F (30C) even in the autumnal months, and it takes it out of you if you’re not used to it. Louise and I both worked in the evening as well, but only for a couple of hours as it’s out of season and not all that busy. When the season picks up it’s none stop for Kev and Jo. I don’t envy them at all. In the afternoon, we went to see Jo’s friend Jess. Her husband is a professional ‘roo shooter and kills them for human consumption, so we went to see his catch. Because he’s away, Jess had to move all the dead ‘roos herself after they’d been topped and tailed, gutted and hung for a week. Seeing dead animals doesn’t really bother me and it’s a good job really. There were 307 dead ‘roos, all of which Jess moved with a little help from her 4 and 5 year old boys. From what Jess told me, that was a small catch. The grass around the area is too long so it’s difficult to see them, especially when a lot of it is done at night when it’s dark. When they go out shooting, the bloke on the top of the van controls a spotlight that he points towards the ‘roo, which attracts it and dazzles and confuses it, making it easy to shoot. This is why there is so much road kill, because kangaroos are, like humans, attracted to bright lights. If you don’t think humans are attracted to bright lights, why do you think funfairs and casino’s are full of them? It’s not to make them look pretty.I made myself and Jo pizza for tea and forgot to put the conveyor belt on. This meant that not only did I ruin tea for both of us; I also nearly set fire to the kitchen. Luckily for me and everyone else that didn’t happen, the worst thing was Jo and I went to bed hungry.
FRIDAY 27TH MARCH
After helping out at dinnertime (lunchtime if you’re posh), Louise and I had the rest of the day free; not that we were complaining, we were more than happy to help. In the afternoon we sent some letters home. While we were at the post office I noticed that every house has a PO Box where all the mail is sent rather than delivered to your house by a postman. I can’t imagine that happening back in my home town: there’s too many people for a start. In the evening I just did what all the locals did: sit at the bar with a beer and watch the NRL. I didn’t get as worked up as them, but I did enjoy myself as much. The night didn’t end until well after midnight, with me, Louise, Jo and Max just sat around talking about home and life in England.
SATURDAY 28TH MARCH
It’s a big day at the pub today; ABC Radio is coming out to do a thing about dinosaurs. Apparently there were loads of them there fossils found out in country Queensland. Because of this there are 80 palaeontologists/dinosaur geeks coming for dinner, so we’re helping Jo with proceedings. After lunch has finished we grab some for ourselves and sit, eat and relax before the evening rush. Because I am a fat man the best place to relax is on the toilet, so off I go.
When I get in there I take down my shorts and boxers as you do and notice all the flies still around. Watching them must have somehow disorientated me because as I go to sit down, I somehow manage to smash my face into the toilet roll holder opposite me. I’m dizzy, I’ve got blurred vision and it hurts like fuck. I also manage to almost right-off my glasses; they’re bent as I don’t know what and there’s a big dint in the lens. Magic. I can’t afford another pair and these are only 6 months old. It took me nearly 45 minutes to recompose myself. Not a very relaxing time after all!
The evening goes with really well. We feed over 150 people in three hours and there are still people asking for food. The ABC is doing some dinosaur and fossil based songs and don’t have a guitar, so I lend them mine. I can’t get on the radio but my guitar can. I didn’t listen to the performance, but I imagine it would be something like a sing-a-long with Barney, but for grown-ups. The crowd eventually disperses and we get to sit down and sink few ales. Well deserved if I do say so myself. I’ve still got a sore eye as well.
03:50a.m: Alarm goes
04:15 a.m: Get out of bed and shower
04:45 a.m: Wait outside for pick-up as directed
05:15 a.m: Bus turns up
06:00a.m: Check-in at stupid self service terminal
06:45a.m: Board plane to Longreach, northwest Queensland
06:55a.m: Plane takes off
08:55a.m: Plane lands
09:30a.m: Get a lift to Longreach with an Irish fella
09:32a.m: Arrive Longreach town centre, and walk to bus terminal
09:35a.m: Arrive at bus terminal
09:36a.m: Realise Longreach is tiny
09:45a.m: Meet Mayor of Winton, for some reason in Longreach. Also he's very fat
10:35a.m: Board bus to Winton, QLD
12:20p.m: Arrive Winton, home of Waltzing Matilda
12:25p.m: Realise Winton is even smaller than Longreach
12:35p.m: Arrive at Winton Hotel and meet Kev (a massive 6ft 6in) and Jo (a tiny 5ft 3in)12:45p.m-23:00p.m: Talk a lot about nothing; meet Max the 68yr old barman, and Juppi the 4yr old Chihuahua. Think about food and beer a lot.
23:15: Go to bed sober and hungry.
SUNDAY 22ND MARCH
After the best sleep in over 2 weeks I manage to get out of bed around 11:00a.m. There’s no food on at lunch time, so Jo has a free morning to show us around a bit. Although the town is tiny (pop. 1100 approx.), I could see myself living out here. The people are friendly, there’s no crime, you don’t have to lock your doors and the speed of life is slow, slow, slow.In the afternoon, Kev’s off work as well so we go yabbying. Basically it’s Cray fishing in a creek rather than a stream. You have to bait up your cage and throw it in, and then you have to wait. After about 40 minutes we go back and check the cages, nothing, so we give it another 10 minutes. From 11 cages we collect a grand total of 10 yabbies. None of them are big enough to eat, so we throw them back. A bit of a disappointment for our first attempt, but still, it was a nice way to spend the afternoon. The evening Kev and Jo are working, so Louise and I are left to our own devices. By that I mean Louise sits at the bar drinking beer while I sit at the bar drinking ginger ale. I think the drugs are taking effect after 3 days; I’ve been feeling much better and haven’t been living in the bathroom for the most part of the day. Using this as a cast iron argument I decide to try and eat. I take Jo up on her offer of a home-made pizza. This was the right decision. It is without doubt the greatest pizza I have ever eaten in my entire life. If you want one, you’ll have to get to Brisbane airport, take the only plane of the day to Longreach at 06:55a.m and then get a bus from Longreach to Winton at 10:35a.m. When you arrive at Winton follow the signs for the ‘Historic Winton Hotel.’ When you arrive there at around 12:45p.m you will be able to order the greatest pizza in the world ever! It’s not difficult so stop being lazy.
MONDAY 23RD MARCH
Louise is helping out Jo today, and because I’m still on the mend, I’m not allowed to go into the kitchen. With this in mind I head to the local bookies with Max and we go and have a couple of quid on a few gee-gees. Max used to be a trainer so I keep close in case he’s got a few tips to send my way. As it turns out Max has a shocker and I don’t fare much better in my attempts to become a millionaire. The only winner that day, as it is most days is the bookie. So it’s back to Louise at the pub, metaphorical cap in hand, to see what punishment I get. Louise has had a good day herself so she lays off with the beating, which is good news for me. We settle down for tea and I enjoy mine with another can of ginger ale while everyone else sits drinking wine or beer.
TUESDAY 24th MARCH
Today is my last day on the pills, hurray! Apart from watching Australian terrestrial TV (it’s so appallingly bad, Channel 5 back in England seems like award winning television), I did very little. Louise helped out Jo in the kitchen and I finished my book. There isn’t much to do out here if you don’t have a car, not that I mind. I mean who wouldn’t want to sit in the sun without a care in the world, just reading about cricket. It’s probably only second to actually watching or playing it. My idea of bliss.
WEDNESDAY 25TH MARCH
No more pills for me, which means I can eat properly and finally have a decent drink (now that I’m 28, ginger ale’s not as good as it was when I was eight). Because we’re staying here for free and getting most of our food and drink as well, we thought we should help out a bit in the kitchen. It’s been almost six months since I did any work, so it should be fun. In the kitchen we were both back in the old routine, Louise would shout for stuff and I’d have to run and fetch it. It probably would have been different if I could remember how to cook. Never mind, eh! Jo and Kev had some other friends over from the coast, so we all went out for a meal at the local Chinese restaurant. It turns out that not only is it a Chinese, but it’s also the local RSL (Retired Services League). Inside was fascinating; as I’ve said before it’s a lot like the British Legion inside. There are loads of pictures of all the service medals awarded to British soldiers from 1849- 1960. It made me proud being able to see the medals my Grandfather had been awarded. I’d never seen them before because they’d been stolen when I was a young, before I’d had the chance to see them properly.
THURSDAY 26TH MARCH
It was pretty much more of the same today. We helped Jo out with the cooking and the like. In the afternoon we had a bit of a kip as the heat in country Queensland is still over 85F (30C) even in the autumnal months, and it takes it out of you if you’re not used to it. Louise and I both worked in the evening as well, but only for a couple of hours as it’s out of season and not all that busy. When the season picks up it’s none stop for Kev and Jo. I don’t envy them at all. In the afternoon, we went to see Jo’s friend Jess. Her husband is a professional ‘roo shooter and kills them for human consumption, so we went to see his catch. Because he’s away, Jess had to move all the dead ‘roos herself after they’d been topped and tailed, gutted and hung for a week. Seeing dead animals doesn’t really bother me and it’s a good job really. There were 307 dead ‘roos, all of which Jess moved with a little help from her 4 and 5 year old boys. From what Jess told me, that was a small catch. The grass around the area is too long so it’s difficult to see them, especially when a lot of it is done at night when it’s dark. When they go out shooting, the bloke on the top of the van controls a spotlight that he points towards the ‘roo, which attracts it and dazzles and confuses it, making it easy to shoot. This is why there is so much road kill, because kangaroos are, like humans, attracted to bright lights. If you don’t think humans are attracted to bright lights, why do you think funfairs and casino’s are full of them? It’s not to make them look pretty.I made myself and Jo pizza for tea and forgot to put the conveyor belt on. This meant that not only did I ruin tea for both of us; I also nearly set fire to the kitchen. Luckily for me and everyone else that didn’t happen, the worst thing was Jo and I went to bed hungry.
FRIDAY 27TH MARCH
After helping out at dinnertime (lunchtime if you’re posh), Louise and I had the rest of the day free; not that we were complaining, we were more than happy to help. In the afternoon we sent some letters home. While we were at the post office I noticed that every house has a PO Box where all the mail is sent rather than delivered to your house by a postman. I can’t imagine that happening back in my home town: there’s too many people for a start. In the evening I just did what all the locals did: sit at the bar with a beer and watch the NRL. I didn’t get as worked up as them, but I did enjoy myself as much. The night didn’t end until well after midnight, with me, Louise, Jo and Max just sat around talking about home and life in England.
SATURDAY 28TH MARCH
It’s a big day at the pub today; ABC Radio is coming out to do a thing about dinosaurs. Apparently there were loads of them there fossils found out in country Queensland. Because of this there are 80 palaeontologists/dinosaur geeks coming for dinner, so we’re helping Jo with proceedings. After lunch has finished we grab some for ourselves and sit, eat and relax before the evening rush. Because I am a fat man the best place to relax is on the toilet, so off I go.
When I get in there I take down my shorts and boxers as you do and notice all the flies still around. Watching them must have somehow disorientated me because as I go to sit down, I somehow manage to smash my face into the toilet roll holder opposite me. I’m dizzy, I’ve got blurred vision and it hurts like fuck. I also manage to almost right-off my glasses; they’re bent as I don’t know what and there’s a big dint in the lens. Magic. I can’t afford another pair and these are only 6 months old. It took me nearly 45 minutes to recompose myself. Not a very relaxing time after all!
The evening goes with really well. We feed over 150 people in three hours and there are still people asking for food. The ABC is doing some dinosaur and fossil based songs and don’t have a guitar, so I lend them mine. I can’t get on the radio but my guitar can. I didn’t listen to the performance, but I imagine it would be something like a sing-a-long with Barney, but for grown-ups. The crowd eventually disperses and we get to sit down and sink few ales. Well deserved if I do say so myself. I’ve still got a sore eye as well.
For Some Reason They Call It Football! (20/3/09)
FRIDAY 20TH MARCH
Because we only have today in Brisbane we head for the town to see what it’s like. From what I’ve seen it’s pretty much like any city anywhere in the world. I am coming back here in a week or so, so I’ll have a better look around then. I’ve still got the gyp and I’m really hungry: what should I do? The question should actually be what shouldn’t I do? The answer of course is do not eat. Do I listen? Do I ‘eck as like. No I decide to eat at a buffet Chinese and that is without a doubt 100% the wrong thing to do. The pain is really bad, so much so that I end up going to a GP in a shopping centre. I expect to be seen by someone like Dr. Nick (Hi, everybody), as a GP in a shopping centre probably attained their practice licence from some hick state in the US via the interweb. It turns out not to be the case as far as I can see; looking at his bookshelf and reading his computer screen, it seems he went to a decent university in Oz. It turns out, as I expected, that I have food poisoning and really shouldn’t be eating at all, let alone gorging on Chinese food (but it’s so delicious). The Doc. puts me on antibiotics for five days, adding that I should be OK. If I’m not he gives me another script for some super-strong meds (super-priced at AU$45 for 10) just in case the first lot don’t work. The not eating doesn’t bother me, but I’m not allowed any beer either. It’s gonna be a killer, I’ve already gone without for 4 days.So kids the moral of the story is if you think you have food poisoning you probably do, and don’t eat greasy burgers in Alice Springs.The evening is already planned, we’re off to watch the first game of the NRL season between the Brisbane Broncos and Melbourne Storm, it’s only AU$27 (£13) a ticket. Louise likes rugby union and thought that was what we were going to watch. When I tell her it’s the other code, rugby league, she gets herself confused and can’t remember whether or not she knows the rules. As it turns out she enjoyed the game as much as me; she got all excited when a woman on a horse (I’m guessing a bronco, but I could be wrong, but I doubt it) came out waving a flag when Brisbane scored. The Broncos won 20-16 with Israel Folau scoring a superb try from an up and under. At the final whistle we head straight off to the hostel as it’s 22:00p.m and we have to be up at 04:00a.m, and we’re still to pack.
Because we only have today in Brisbane we head for the town to see what it’s like. From what I’ve seen it’s pretty much like any city anywhere in the world. I am coming back here in a week or so, so I’ll have a better look around then. I’ve still got the gyp and I’m really hungry: what should I do? The question should actually be what shouldn’t I do? The answer of course is do not eat. Do I listen? Do I ‘eck as like. No I decide to eat at a buffet Chinese and that is without a doubt 100% the wrong thing to do. The pain is really bad, so much so that I end up going to a GP in a shopping centre. I expect to be seen by someone like Dr. Nick (Hi, everybody), as a GP in a shopping centre probably attained their practice licence from some hick state in the US via the interweb. It turns out not to be the case as far as I can see; looking at his bookshelf and reading his computer screen, it seems he went to a decent university in Oz. It turns out, as I expected, that I have food poisoning and really shouldn’t be eating at all, let alone gorging on Chinese food (but it’s so delicious). The Doc. puts me on antibiotics for five days, adding that I should be OK. If I’m not he gives me another script for some super-strong meds (super-priced at AU$45 for 10) just in case the first lot don’t work. The not eating doesn’t bother me, but I’m not allowed any beer either. It’s gonna be a killer, I’ve already gone without for 4 days.So kids the moral of the story is if you think you have food poisoning you probably do, and don’t eat greasy burgers in Alice Springs.The evening is already planned, we’re off to watch the first game of the NRL season between the Brisbane Broncos and Melbourne Storm, it’s only AU$27 (£13) a ticket. Louise likes rugby union and thought that was what we were going to watch. When I tell her it’s the other code, rugby league, she gets herself confused and can’t remember whether or not she knows the rules. As it turns out she enjoyed the game as much as me; she got all excited when a woman on a horse (I’m guessing a bronco, but I could be wrong, but I doubt it) came out waving a flag when Brisbane scored. The Broncos won 20-16 with Israel Folau scoring a superb try from an up and under. At the final whistle we head straight off to the hostel as it’s 22:00p.m and we have to be up at 04:00a.m, and we’re still to pack.
Laid Up Good And Proper (17-19/3/09)
TUESDAY 17TH MARCH
It was a long night last night and I’m feeling it a little more than usual. In fact the reason I’m feeling it is I think I have food poisoning from a dodgy burger I ate last night. I spend the entire day between the bathroom and my bed, constantly sweating and then shivering. This isn’t a nice feeling, my stomach hurts because of the food and my head hurts because of the drink. Even when I do get out of bed it’s only for an hour and I’m so cold when I get up, I have four layers on, even though it’s 97F (36C) outside.
WEDNESDAY 18TH MARCH
I’m still laid up in bed. My sheets are piss wet through from sweat and I’m dehydrated to fuck. Louise goes out with Tasha, the Slovenian girl from the tour and does some sightseeing. I just stay in bed with the internet on and spend every 20 minutes going to the toilet. Two of the lads from the tour, Nils and Markus, are leaving today. They’re going to hitch it to Darwin; not the cleverest thing to do, but they say they’ll be fine and they’re both adults so who are we to argue. I finally get up around 19:00p.m and try to eat something. That was probably the worst thing I could have possibly done, as no sooner do I eat it, and I’m back in the bathroom.
THURSDAY 19TH MARCH
Today would have been my Dad’s 57th birthday. He’s been dead for 18 months and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t think of him, I miss him so much but he’s gone and I can’t do anything about it. I love you Dad.
We’re off to Brisbane today, via Melbourne as it’s cheaper. The check-in girl is an arsehole. They make me move stuff around so that my check-in is under 20Kg even though the 2Kg I was over goes straight into my carry-on. At first I ask her if I she can just let it go. With all the charm of a wet fart she says, ‘No, I won’t be doing that.’ What difference does it make to where my luggage allowance goes? Can somebody please explain this to me? As far as I can see it’s just another way of making money out of people who don’t happen to own a set of airport scales. The flight to Melbourne is horrible. There’s loads of turbulence, which plays havoc with my guts, and the staff just sit at the back chatting away not one bit interested in the passengers. I even have to ask them to move so I can get to the toilet! Tiger Airlines: Budget Airline – Budget Service. When we land at Melbourne we even have to pick up our bags from a shed.Check-in at Melbourne is simple; thank you Mr. Branson. I’m so hungry I could eat a horse between two bread vans, so I stop off and get myself something. Melbourne airport is full of all sorts of culinary delights. How is it possible for me to eat and then less than two minutes later be in the bathroom again! The flight to Brisbane goes without any fuss; I’m too engrossed in my book, Adam Gilchrist’s Autobiography that Louise bought me as a get well present, to notice. Into Brisbane at 20:00p.m and we just make the last train to town. Louise forgot to get directions to the hostel, so we have to ring them up. I wish she hadn’t bothered; it’s an absolute shit hole. It’s full of kids, there’s no security of note and it’s really noisy.
It was a long night last night and I’m feeling it a little more than usual. In fact the reason I’m feeling it is I think I have food poisoning from a dodgy burger I ate last night. I spend the entire day between the bathroom and my bed, constantly sweating and then shivering. This isn’t a nice feeling, my stomach hurts because of the food and my head hurts because of the drink. Even when I do get out of bed it’s only for an hour and I’m so cold when I get up, I have four layers on, even though it’s 97F (36C) outside.
WEDNESDAY 18TH MARCH
I’m still laid up in bed. My sheets are piss wet through from sweat and I’m dehydrated to fuck. Louise goes out with Tasha, the Slovenian girl from the tour and does some sightseeing. I just stay in bed with the internet on and spend every 20 minutes going to the toilet. Two of the lads from the tour, Nils and Markus, are leaving today. They’re going to hitch it to Darwin; not the cleverest thing to do, but they say they’ll be fine and they’re both adults so who are we to argue. I finally get up around 19:00p.m and try to eat something. That was probably the worst thing I could have possibly done, as no sooner do I eat it, and I’m back in the bathroom.
THURSDAY 19TH MARCH
Today would have been my Dad’s 57th birthday. He’s been dead for 18 months and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t think of him, I miss him so much but he’s gone and I can’t do anything about it. I love you Dad.
We’re off to Brisbane today, via Melbourne as it’s cheaper. The check-in girl is an arsehole. They make me move stuff around so that my check-in is under 20Kg even though the 2Kg I was over goes straight into my carry-on. At first I ask her if I she can just let it go. With all the charm of a wet fart she says, ‘No, I won’t be doing that.’ What difference does it make to where my luggage allowance goes? Can somebody please explain this to me? As far as I can see it’s just another way of making money out of people who don’t happen to own a set of airport scales. The flight to Melbourne is horrible. There’s loads of turbulence, which plays havoc with my guts, and the staff just sit at the back chatting away not one bit interested in the passengers. I even have to ask them to move so I can get to the toilet! Tiger Airlines: Budget Airline – Budget Service. When we land at Melbourne we even have to pick up our bags from a shed.Check-in at Melbourne is simple; thank you Mr. Branson. I’m so hungry I could eat a horse between two bread vans, so I stop off and get myself something. Melbourne airport is full of all sorts of culinary delights. How is it possible for me to eat and then less than two minutes later be in the bathroom again! The flight to Brisbane goes without any fuss; I’m too engrossed in my book, Adam Gilchrist’s Autobiography that Louise bought me as a get well present, to notice. Into Brisbane at 20:00p.m and we just make the last train to town. Louise forgot to get directions to the hostel, so we have to ring them up. I wish she hadn’t bothered; it’s an absolute shit hole. It’s full of kids, there’s no security of note and it’s really noisy.
The Red Centre And All That It Entails (11-16/3/09)
WEDNESDAY 11TH MARCH
We’re up at stupid o’clock as we have to be picked up at 06:45a.m by ‘Groovy Grape Tours.’ This makes us ‘Groovy Passengers,’ I feel like a bit of a twat being called that, I’m not a 7 year old, I’m an actual grown up believe it or not. We were the second last pick up, one more on the way out of the city and its north to Coober Pedy. Except it’s not. We pick up what we think is the last pair and then our tour guide, Jesus (that’s not his real name: it’s Anthony, no wonder he prefers his nickname), realises he’s left two people behind in the city centre. So we turn back and pick them up, incidentally they’re still asleep when we arrive an hour later than scheduled. So at 08:15a.m, 90 minutes late, we finally leave the city for good, 21 of us with Jesus (who doesn’t look much like an Israeli) leading the flock. For the next 11½ hours we sit on the bus stopping 4 times for toilet stops and all we see apart from the town of Woolameera is red desert.We arrive in Coober Pedy at 19:45p.m. Coober Pedy is famous for two things, 1) it’s the worlds number 1 opal producer, and 2) it’s the missing persons capital of the world (although I think a few places in South America could run it close). By that I don’t mean all the worlds missing persons come to live here, no, supposedly people just disappear after falling down unused opal mines.As it was late we went straight for pizza, surprisingly it was run by an Italian and not a Greek or Turkish family as most of them are nowadays. After a feed, we head to the pub and sip a few beers and play some pool. By midnight Louise and I are the last of our group in the pub so we leave as it’s time for bed. We’re sleeping in of an old mine underground (around 70% of people live underground here, in that sense I suppose it’s a bit like Fraggle Rock), apparently it’s a lot cooler than sleeping above ground. We’ll see.
THURSDAY 12TH MARCH
It’s early starts from now on so I’m going to be a bit agitated. We’ve already lost one of our group, Faye. She didn’t realise that this tour involved sleeping in very basic accommodation and for two nights we’d be sleeping in swags at Ayers Rock.We visit an old opal mine, and learn how to become miners and at what cost. The girl who takes the tour doesn’t really sell it though as she says Coober Pedy is a little bit of a boring place to live. I like the idea of being a miner, but you’re self employed so it could be a struggle. Mid-morning we take a tour of the town, not much to see, two underground churches, a dentists that’s based in a caravan, lots of community centres; these ones cater for the individual communities, not a united one, and the most expensive house in the town, priced at a colossal AU$120 000.At lunchtime I almost have a fight with a Yank named Roger. It’s because he’s not pulling his weight when it comes to meal times. I’m a chef at home but I’m not here to cook and clean for every fucker else!Most of the afternoon is free and I spend it with three Germans. Din (pronounced Dean, a girl, it’s her nickname), Lisa and Jo (who from now on will be referred to as Worms due to his insatiable appetite), we played Kniffel, in the English speaking world it’s called Yatzee. Later on we go to the Breakaways. It’s similar to The Rock, just smaller. I don’t know why we have to go up three different rock formations. It looks the same from every angle. The only thing that makes it worthwhile is that Worms almost falls to his death while pissing about. The night is spent getting pissed and playing stupid drinking games such as ‘Chickens on Standby,’ which basically involves making chicken noises to start with, and finishes as a big mêlée of farmyard animal noises. Very strange but very funny.
FRIDAY 13TH MARCH
Up at the crack of bloody dawn for the long drive to Uluru (approx 500miles (800km). If you like looking at red dust, then driving through northern South Australia along the Stuart Highway is for you. We made it to the Northern Territory and did the touristy thing and had our photo taken at the NT-SA border crossing. Further up the road- by further I mean a lot further, we come across what most people think is Uluru but is in fact a completely different big red rock nicknamed Fooluru (geddit!).After unpacking all the gear and getting our swags out for the first time we head to see sunset over the rock. It’s a pretty amazing sight. The colours change every few minutes, and looks like it’s having a disco. I can’t really say anything more about it but I recommend it highly. Back at base camp, Worms goes mad for tea and nearly eats everything. For the first time in my life I have kangaroo meat. I don’t like it, it tastes like red wine and not chicken as everyone usually says. I mean come on, how many times have people said about an unusual meat, ‘ooh it tastes like chicken.’
SATURDAY 14TH MARCH
Today it’s a 04:30a.m start. Not good by anyone’s standards, least of all mine. The reason we’re up at this ungodly hour is because we’re off to sunrise at the rock and then we’re travelling to ‘The Olga’s’ and ‘The Valley of the Winds,’ to partake in two reasonably easy walks.The sunrise at the rock was a bit rubbish because we were too far away, and we couldn’t get any decent photos. After that disappointment, we drove to the start of our walk. The walk itself was very steady paced and for this reason more enjoyable. It takes around 2-3 hours, but if you go early morning it’s a lot easier to do. They also close the route from 11:00a.m – 14:00p.m because it’s too dangerous with the heat. I had a good chat with a couple of the lads on the way around, everyone speaks English as per, some of them speak three or four languages; I’m still sticking to Pidgin English. We went back to camp and had some free time for a swim and a bit of lunch. I had another altercation over the chores, this time someone accused me of not helping (I had been, but because she was too busy trying to get laid she didn’t notice). I told her to fuck off, just because she was cliquey with the tour guide, didn’t mean she was the boss and could tell me what to do. Fuck her and fuck everyone else. I hate almost all of these people. Believe it or not, I’m only getting along with the Europeans, the English and the Americans are awful, awful people to be around when they’re in big groups like this. The evening was spent doing the first base walk around Uluru. For some reason we don’t do the whole walk in one go, and only end up walking for an hour. It’s still early and lights aplenty but Jesus says it’s better over two days. We’ll see shall we?
SUNDAY 15TH MARCH
Another 04:30a.m start and it’s away to Uluru to finish the walk. It only takes a couple of hours, and we get some decent pictures of the sunrise. Even though we get some decent snaps, I still feel it’s much better done as one walk rather than two.Now here’s the thing, I’m not averse to walking or even hiking for that matter, in fact I did three pretty hefty ones in SE Asia, and didn’t complain. As I’ve explained before now I’m not the fittest bloke in the world, I’d even go as far to say as I’m probably the most out of shape person in this group, however this trek up Kings Canyon is an absolute joke. First off its 14:00p.m, one of the hottest times of the day and we’re expected to walk up a hill nicknamed ‘heart-attack hill.’ Like everyone else I start the climb no worries, but three parts of the way up the hill I’m already feeling it. At the first rest it’s got to be at least 35C (95F), and I backfill a litre of water. Fuck this for a game of soldiers; I’m not crippling myself for anyone so I head back down the mountain thoroughly pissed off. The reason I’m pissed is because this walk should be done early morning, when it’s a lot cooler. We couldn’t manage that though as we were too busy finishing the second walk around Uluru that we could and should have completed the previous day. All in all it was a horrible experience and could have been avoided by proper planning. The next two hours are spent waiting for the rest of the group to return, before we head back to camp for our final night out in the bush.
MONDAY 16TH MARCH
We get a lay in this morning, 08:00a.m start. There’s nothing on the schedule today other than getting to Alice Springs. So we pack everything into the truck and head back towards the Stuart Highway on another 8 hour drive along dirt roads.Around midday we stop off for what we think is just lunch, but turns out to be a bit of a show. Dinky the dingo lives out here. If you’ve never heard of Dinky, basically he’s a singing dingo. All you have to do is play the piano (it doesn’t matter to what standard, he’s not fussy), and he’ll sing; he sounds a little bit like Leona Lewis: Crap. Another four hours and we arrive in Alice Springs. It’s not a nice place and we’re told by Jesus under no circumstances should you go out on your own after 18:00p.m. As is tradition with these sort of trips everyone meets up for one last supper (ironic really as Jesus has been our guide) and then heads to the saloon to get pissed. Being a man who likes food and drink I oblige and head out for the night. The bar is probably the tackiest looking bar in all of the southern hemisphere, but the drinks cheap, the music’s loud and you can still smoke inside. I’m not a smoker, and I never have been, but smoking inside pubs should still be aloud throughout the world for one reason and one reason only, it hides the smell of body odour, and that is a far worse smell than cigarettes, anyone who says different is wrong. I have the best night I’ve had on the entire tour, the clique are still licking each other’s arses (I couldn’t give a toss about them), but everyone else is having a good time, even the quiet ones are partying.That concludes the tour except for one final thing. Din has taught me how to do the Rubik’s Cube, I’ve always wanted to learn, and now I can do it.
We’re up at stupid o’clock as we have to be picked up at 06:45a.m by ‘Groovy Grape Tours.’ This makes us ‘Groovy Passengers,’ I feel like a bit of a twat being called that, I’m not a 7 year old, I’m an actual grown up believe it or not. We were the second last pick up, one more on the way out of the city and its north to Coober Pedy. Except it’s not. We pick up what we think is the last pair and then our tour guide, Jesus (that’s not his real name: it’s Anthony, no wonder he prefers his nickname), realises he’s left two people behind in the city centre. So we turn back and pick them up, incidentally they’re still asleep when we arrive an hour later than scheduled. So at 08:15a.m, 90 minutes late, we finally leave the city for good, 21 of us with Jesus (who doesn’t look much like an Israeli) leading the flock. For the next 11½ hours we sit on the bus stopping 4 times for toilet stops and all we see apart from the town of Woolameera is red desert.We arrive in Coober Pedy at 19:45p.m. Coober Pedy is famous for two things, 1) it’s the worlds number 1 opal producer, and 2) it’s the missing persons capital of the world (although I think a few places in South America could run it close). By that I don’t mean all the worlds missing persons come to live here, no, supposedly people just disappear after falling down unused opal mines.As it was late we went straight for pizza, surprisingly it was run by an Italian and not a Greek or Turkish family as most of them are nowadays. After a feed, we head to the pub and sip a few beers and play some pool. By midnight Louise and I are the last of our group in the pub so we leave as it’s time for bed. We’re sleeping in of an old mine underground (around 70% of people live underground here, in that sense I suppose it’s a bit like Fraggle Rock), apparently it’s a lot cooler than sleeping above ground. We’ll see.
THURSDAY 12TH MARCH
It’s early starts from now on so I’m going to be a bit agitated. We’ve already lost one of our group, Faye. She didn’t realise that this tour involved sleeping in very basic accommodation and for two nights we’d be sleeping in swags at Ayers Rock.We visit an old opal mine, and learn how to become miners and at what cost. The girl who takes the tour doesn’t really sell it though as she says Coober Pedy is a little bit of a boring place to live. I like the idea of being a miner, but you’re self employed so it could be a struggle. Mid-morning we take a tour of the town, not much to see, two underground churches, a dentists that’s based in a caravan, lots of community centres; these ones cater for the individual communities, not a united one, and the most expensive house in the town, priced at a colossal AU$120 000.At lunchtime I almost have a fight with a Yank named Roger. It’s because he’s not pulling his weight when it comes to meal times. I’m a chef at home but I’m not here to cook and clean for every fucker else!Most of the afternoon is free and I spend it with three Germans. Din (pronounced Dean, a girl, it’s her nickname), Lisa and Jo (who from now on will be referred to as Worms due to his insatiable appetite), we played Kniffel, in the English speaking world it’s called Yatzee. Later on we go to the Breakaways. It’s similar to The Rock, just smaller. I don’t know why we have to go up three different rock formations. It looks the same from every angle. The only thing that makes it worthwhile is that Worms almost falls to his death while pissing about. The night is spent getting pissed and playing stupid drinking games such as ‘Chickens on Standby,’ which basically involves making chicken noises to start with, and finishes as a big mêlée of farmyard animal noises. Very strange but very funny.
FRIDAY 13TH MARCH
Up at the crack of bloody dawn for the long drive to Uluru (approx 500miles (800km). If you like looking at red dust, then driving through northern South Australia along the Stuart Highway is for you. We made it to the Northern Territory and did the touristy thing and had our photo taken at the NT-SA border crossing. Further up the road- by further I mean a lot further, we come across what most people think is Uluru but is in fact a completely different big red rock nicknamed Fooluru (geddit!).After unpacking all the gear and getting our swags out for the first time we head to see sunset over the rock. It’s a pretty amazing sight. The colours change every few minutes, and looks like it’s having a disco. I can’t really say anything more about it but I recommend it highly. Back at base camp, Worms goes mad for tea and nearly eats everything. For the first time in my life I have kangaroo meat. I don’t like it, it tastes like red wine and not chicken as everyone usually says. I mean come on, how many times have people said about an unusual meat, ‘ooh it tastes like chicken.’
SATURDAY 14TH MARCH
Today it’s a 04:30a.m start. Not good by anyone’s standards, least of all mine. The reason we’re up at this ungodly hour is because we’re off to sunrise at the rock and then we’re travelling to ‘The Olga’s’ and ‘The Valley of the Winds,’ to partake in two reasonably easy walks.The sunrise at the rock was a bit rubbish because we were too far away, and we couldn’t get any decent photos. After that disappointment, we drove to the start of our walk. The walk itself was very steady paced and for this reason more enjoyable. It takes around 2-3 hours, but if you go early morning it’s a lot easier to do. They also close the route from 11:00a.m – 14:00p.m because it’s too dangerous with the heat. I had a good chat with a couple of the lads on the way around, everyone speaks English as per, some of them speak three or four languages; I’m still sticking to Pidgin English. We went back to camp and had some free time for a swim and a bit of lunch. I had another altercation over the chores, this time someone accused me of not helping (I had been, but because she was too busy trying to get laid she didn’t notice). I told her to fuck off, just because she was cliquey with the tour guide, didn’t mean she was the boss and could tell me what to do. Fuck her and fuck everyone else. I hate almost all of these people. Believe it or not, I’m only getting along with the Europeans, the English and the Americans are awful, awful people to be around when they’re in big groups like this. The evening was spent doing the first base walk around Uluru. For some reason we don’t do the whole walk in one go, and only end up walking for an hour. It’s still early and lights aplenty but Jesus says it’s better over two days. We’ll see shall we?
SUNDAY 15TH MARCH
Another 04:30a.m start and it’s away to Uluru to finish the walk. It only takes a couple of hours, and we get some decent pictures of the sunrise. Even though we get some decent snaps, I still feel it’s much better done as one walk rather than two.Now here’s the thing, I’m not averse to walking or even hiking for that matter, in fact I did three pretty hefty ones in SE Asia, and didn’t complain. As I’ve explained before now I’m not the fittest bloke in the world, I’d even go as far to say as I’m probably the most out of shape person in this group, however this trek up Kings Canyon is an absolute joke. First off its 14:00p.m, one of the hottest times of the day and we’re expected to walk up a hill nicknamed ‘heart-attack hill.’ Like everyone else I start the climb no worries, but three parts of the way up the hill I’m already feeling it. At the first rest it’s got to be at least 35C (95F), and I backfill a litre of water. Fuck this for a game of soldiers; I’m not crippling myself for anyone so I head back down the mountain thoroughly pissed off. The reason I’m pissed is because this walk should be done early morning, when it’s a lot cooler. We couldn’t manage that though as we were too busy finishing the second walk around Uluru that we could and should have completed the previous day. All in all it was a horrible experience and could have been avoided by proper planning. The next two hours are spent waiting for the rest of the group to return, before we head back to camp for our final night out in the bush.
MONDAY 16TH MARCH
We get a lay in this morning, 08:00a.m start. There’s nothing on the schedule today other than getting to Alice Springs. So we pack everything into the truck and head back towards the Stuart Highway on another 8 hour drive along dirt roads.Around midday we stop off for what we think is just lunch, but turns out to be a bit of a show. Dinky the dingo lives out here. If you’ve never heard of Dinky, basically he’s a singing dingo. All you have to do is play the piano (it doesn’t matter to what standard, he’s not fussy), and he’ll sing; he sounds a little bit like Leona Lewis: Crap. Another four hours and we arrive in Alice Springs. It’s not a nice place and we’re told by Jesus under no circumstances should you go out on your own after 18:00p.m. As is tradition with these sort of trips everyone meets up for one last supper (ironic really as Jesus has been our guide) and then heads to the saloon to get pissed. Being a man who likes food and drink I oblige and head out for the night. The bar is probably the tackiest looking bar in all of the southern hemisphere, but the drinks cheap, the music’s loud and you can still smoke inside. I’m not a smoker, and I never have been, but smoking inside pubs should still be aloud throughout the world for one reason and one reason only, it hides the smell of body odour, and that is a far worse smell than cigarettes, anyone who says different is wrong. I have the best night I’ve had on the entire tour, the clique are still licking each other’s arses (I couldn’t give a toss about them), but everyone else is having a good time, even the quiet ones are partying.That concludes the tour except for one final thing. Din has taught me how to do the Rubik’s Cube, I’ve always wanted to learn, and now I can do it.
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