It's Where Waltzing Matilda's From (21-28/3/09)

SATURDAY 21ST MARCH

03:50a.m: Alarm goes
04:15 a.m: Get out of bed and shower
04:45 a.m: Wait outside for pick-up as directed
05:15 a.m: Bus turns up
06:00a.m: Check-in at stupid self service terminal
06:45a.m: Board plane to Longreach, northwest Queensland
06:55a.m: Plane takes off
08:55a.m: Plane lands
09:30a.m: Get a lift to Longreach with an Irish fella
09:32a.m: Arrive Longreach town centre, and walk to bus terminal
09:35a.m: Arrive at bus terminal
09:36a.m: Realise Longreach is tiny
09:45a.m: Meet Mayor of Winton, for some reason in Longreach. Also he's very fat
10:35a.m: Board bus to Winton, QLD
12:20p.m: Arrive Winton, home of Waltzing Matilda
12:25p.m: Realise Winton is even smaller than Longreach
12:35p.m: Arrive at Winton Hotel and meet Kev (a massive 6ft 6in) and Jo (a tiny 5ft 3in)12:45p.m-23:00p.m: Talk a lot about nothing; meet Max the 68yr old barman, and Juppi the 4yr old Chihuahua. Think about food and beer a lot.
23:15: Go to bed sober and hungry.

SUNDAY 22ND MARCH

After the best sleep in over 2 weeks I manage to get out of bed around 11:00a.m. There’s no food on at lunch time, so Jo has a free morning to show us around a bit. Although the town is tiny (pop. 1100 approx.), I could see myself living out here. The people are friendly, there’s no crime, you don’t have to lock your doors and the speed of life is slow, slow, slow.In the afternoon, Kev’s off work as well so we go yabbying. Basically it’s Cray fishing in a creek rather than a stream. You have to bait up your cage and throw it in, and then you have to wait. After about 40 minutes we go back and check the cages, nothing, so we give it another 10 minutes. From 11 cages we collect a grand total of 10 yabbies. None of them are big enough to eat, so we throw them back. A bit of a disappointment for our first attempt, but still, it was a nice way to spend the afternoon. The evening Kev and Jo are working, so Louise and I are left to our own devices. By that I mean Louise sits at the bar drinking beer while I sit at the bar drinking ginger ale. I think the drugs are taking effect after 3 days; I’ve been feeling much better and haven’t been living in the bathroom for the most part of the day. Using this as a cast iron argument I decide to try and eat. I take Jo up on her offer of a home-made pizza. This was the right decision. It is without doubt the greatest pizza I have ever eaten in my entire life. If you want one, you’ll have to get to Brisbane airport, take the only plane of the day to Longreach at 06:55a.m and then get a bus from Longreach to Winton at 10:35a.m. When you arrive at Winton follow the signs for the ‘Historic Winton Hotel.’ When you arrive there at around 12:45p.m you will be able to order the greatest pizza in the world ever! It’s not difficult so stop being lazy.

MONDAY 23RD MARCH

Louise is helping out Jo today, and because I’m still on the mend, I’m not allowed to go into the kitchen. With this in mind I head to the local bookies with Max and we go and have a couple of quid on a few gee-gees. Max used to be a trainer so I keep close in case he’s got a few tips to send my way. As it turns out Max has a shocker and I don’t fare much better in my attempts to become a millionaire. The only winner that day, as it is most days is the bookie. So it’s back to Louise at the pub, metaphorical cap in hand, to see what punishment I get. Louise has had a good day herself so she lays off with the beating, which is good news for me. We settle down for tea and I enjoy mine with another can of ginger ale while everyone else sits drinking wine or beer.

TUESDAY 24th MARCH

Today is my last day on the pills, hurray! Apart from watching Australian terrestrial TV (it’s so appallingly bad, Channel 5 back in England seems like award winning television), I did very little. Louise helped out Jo in the kitchen and I finished my book. There isn’t much to do out here if you don’t have a car, not that I mind. I mean who wouldn’t want to sit in the sun without a care in the world, just reading about cricket. It’s probably only second to actually watching or playing it. My idea of bliss.

WEDNESDAY 25TH MARCH

No more pills for me, which means I can eat properly and finally have a decent drink (now that I’m 28, ginger ale’s not as good as it was when I was eight). Because we’re staying here for free and getting most of our food and drink as well, we thought we should help out a bit in the kitchen. It’s been almost six months since I did any work, so it should be fun. In the kitchen we were both back in the old routine, Louise would shout for stuff and I’d have to run and fetch it. It probably would have been different if I could remember how to cook. Never mind, eh! Jo and Kev had some other friends over from the coast, so we all went out for a meal at the local Chinese restaurant. It turns out that not only is it a Chinese, but it’s also the local RSL (Retired Services League). Inside was fascinating; as I’ve said before it’s a lot like the British Legion inside. There are loads of pictures of all the service medals awarded to British soldiers from 1849- 1960. It made me proud being able to see the medals my Grandfather had been awarded. I’d never seen them before because they’d been stolen when I was a young, before I’d had the chance to see them properly.

THURSDAY 26TH MARCH

It was pretty much more of the same today. We helped Jo out with the cooking and the like. In the afternoon we had a bit of a kip as the heat in country Queensland is still over 85F (30C) even in the autumnal months, and it takes it out of you if you’re not used to it. Louise and I both worked in the evening as well, but only for a couple of hours as it’s out of season and not all that busy. When the season picks up it’s none stop for Kev and Jo. I don’t envy them at all. In the afternoon, we went to see Jo’s friend Jess. Her husband is a professional ‘roo shooter and kills them for human consumption, so we went to see his catch. Because he’s away, Jess had to move all the dead ‘roos herself after they’d been topped and tailed, gutted and hung for a week. Seeing dead animals doesn’t really bother me and it’s a good job really. There were 307 dead ‘roos, all of which Jess moved with a little help from her 4 and 5 year old boys. From what Jess told me, that was a small catch. The grass around the area is too long so it’s difficult to see them, especially when a lot of it is done at night when it’s dark. When they go out shooting, the bloke on the top of the van controls a spotlight that he points towards the ‘roo, which attracts it and dazzles and confuses it, making it easy to shoot. This is why there is so much road kill, because kangaroos are, like humans, attracted to bright lights. If you don’t think humans are attracted to bright lights, why do you think funfairs and casino’s are full of them? It’s not to make them look pretty.I made myself and Jo pizza for tea and forgot to put the conveyor belt on. This meant that not only did I ruin tea for both of us; I also nearly set fire to the kitchen. Luckily for me and everyone else that didn’t happen, the worst thing was Jo and I went to bed hungry.

FRIDAY 27TH MARCH

After helping out at dinnertime (lunchtime if you’re posh), Louise and I had the rest of the day free; not that we were complaining, we were more than happy to help. In the afternoon we sent some letters home. While we were at the post office I noticed that every house has a PO Box where all the mail is sent rather than delivered to your house by a postman. I can’t imagine that happening back in my home town: there’s too many people for a start. In the evening I just did what all the locals did: sit at the bar with a beer and watch the NRL. I didn’t get as worked up as them, but I did enjoy myself as much. The night didn’t end until well after midnight, with me, Louise, Jo and Max just sat around talking about home and life in England.

SATURDAY 28TH MARCH

It’s a big day at the pub today; ABC Radio is coming out to do a thing about dinosaurs. Apparently there were loads of them there fossils found out in country Queensland. Because of this there are 80 palaeontologists/dinosaur geeks coming for dinner, so we’re helping Jo with proceedings. After lunch has finished we grab some for ourselves and sit, eat and relax before the evening rush. Because I am a fat man the best place to relax is on the toilet, so off I go.
When I get in there I take down my shorts and boxers as you do and notice all the flies still around. Watching them must have somehow disorientated me because as I go to sit down, I somehow manage to smash my face into the toilet roll holder opposite me. I’m dizzy, I’ve got blurred vision and it hurts like fuck. I also manage to almost right-off my glasses; they’re bent as I don’t know what and there’s a big dint in the lens. Magic. I can’t afford another pair and these are only 6 months old. It took me nearly 45 minutes to recompose myself. Not a very relaxing time after all!
The evening goes with really well. We feed over 150 people in three hours and there are still people asking for food. The ABC is doing some dinosaur and fossil based songs and don’t have a guitar, so I lend them mine. I can’t get on the radio but my guitar can. I didn’t listen to the performance, but I imagine it would be something like a sing-a-long with Barney, but for grown-ups. The crowd eventually disperses and we get to sit down and sink few ales. Well deserved if I do say so myself. I’ve still got a sore eye as well.