WEDNESDAY 11TH MARCH
We’re up at stupid o’clock as we have to be picked up at 06:45a.m by ‘Groovy Grape Tours.’ This makes us ‘Groovy Passengers,’ I feel like a bit of a twat being called that, I’m not a 7 year old, I’m an actual grown up believe it or not. We were the second last pick up, one more on the way out of the city and its north to Coober Pedy. Except it’s not. We pick up what we think is the last pair and then our tour guide, Jesus (that’s not his real name: it’s Anthony, no wonder he prefers his nickname), realises he’s left two people behind in the city centre. So we turn back and pick them up, incidentally they’re still asleep when we arrive an hour later than scheduled. So at 08:15a.m, 90 minutes late, we finally leave the city for good, 21 of us with Jesus (who doesn’t look much like an Israeli) leading the flock. For the next 11½ hours we sit on the bus stopping 4 times for toilet stops and all we see apart from the town of Woolameera is red desert.We arrive in Coober Pedy at 19:45p.m. Coober Pedy is famous for two things, 1) it’s the worlds number 1 opal producer, and 2) it’s the missing persons capital of the world (although I think a few places in South America could run it close). By that I don’t mean all the worlds missing persons come to live here, no, supposedly people just disappear after falling down unused opal mines.As it was late we went straight for pizza, surprisingly it was run by an Italian and not a Greek or Turkish family as most of them are nowadays. After a feed, we head to the pub and sip a few beers and play some pool. By midnight Louise and I are the last of our group in the pub so we leave as it’s time for bed. We’re sleeping in of an old mine underground (around 70% of people live underground here, in that sense I suppose it’s a bit like Fraggle Rock), apparently it’s a lot cooler than sleeping above ground. We’ll see.
THURSDAY 12TH MARCH
It’s early starts from now on so I’m going to be a bit agitated. We’ve already lost one of our group, Faye. She didn’t realise that this tour involved sleeping in very basic accommodation and for two nights we’d be sleeping in swags at Ayers Rock.We visit an old opal mine, and learn how to become miners and at what cost. The girl who takes the tour doesn’t really sell it though as she says Coober Pedy is a little bit of a boring place to live. I like the idea of being a miner, but you’re self employed so it could be a struggle. Mid-morning we take a tour of the town, not much to see, two underground churches, a dentists that’s based in a caravan, lots of community centres; these ones cater for the individual communities, not a united one, and the most expensive house in the town, priced at a colossal AU$120 000.At lunchtime I almost have a fight with a Yank named Roger. It’s because he’s not pulling his weight when it comes to meal times. I’m a chef at home but I’m not here to cook and clean for every fucker else!Most of the afternoon is free and I spend it with three Germans. Din (pronounced Dean, a girl, it’s her nickname), Lisa and Jo (who from now on will be referred to as Worms due to his insatiable appetite), we played Kniffel, in the English speaking world it’s called Yatzee. Later on we go to the Breakaways. It’s similar to The Rock, just smaller. I don’t know why we have to go up three different rock formations. It looks the same from every angle. The only thing that makes it worthwhile is that Worms almost falls to his death while pissing about. The night is spent getting pissed and playing stupid drinking games such as ‘Chickens on Standby,’ which basically involves making chicken noises to start with, and finishes as a big mêlée of farmyard animal noises. Very strange but very funny.
FRIDAY 13TH MARCH
Up at the crack of bloody dawn for the long drive to Uluru (approx 500miles (800km). If you like looking at red dust, then driving through northern South Australia along the Stuart Highway is for you. We made it to the Northern Territory and did the touristy thing and had our photo taken at the NT-SA border crossing. Further up the road- by further I mean a lot further, we come across what most people think is Uluru but is in fact a completely different big red rock nicknamed Fooluru (geddit!).After unpacking all the gear and getting our swags out for the first time we head to see sunset over the rock. It’s a pretty amazing sight. The colours change every few minutes, and looks like it’s having a disco. I can’t really say anything more about it but I recommend it highly. Back at base camp, Worms goes mad for tea and nearly eats everything. For the first time in my life I have kangaroo meat. I don’t like it, it tastes like red wine and not chicken as everyone usually says. I mean come on, how many times have people said about an unusual meat, ‘ooh it tastes like chicken.’
SATURDAY 14TH MARCH
Today it’s a 04:30a.m start. Not good by anyone’s standards, least of all mine. The reason we’re up at this ungodly hour is because we’re off to sunrise at the rock and then we’re travelling to ‘The Olga’s’ and ‘The Valley of the Winds,’ to partake in two reasonably easy walks.The sunrise at the rock was a bit rubbish because we were too far away, and we couldn’t get any decent photos. After that disappointment, we drove to the start of our walk. The walk itself was very steady paced and for this reason more enjoyable. It takes around 2-3 hours, but if you go early morning it’s a lot easier to do. They also close the route from 11:00a.m – 14:00p.m because it’s too dangerous with the heat. I had a good chat with a couple of the lads on the way around, everyone speaks English as per, some of them speak three or four languages; I’m still sticking to Pidgin English. We went back to camp and had some free time for a swim and a bit of lunch. I had another altercation over the chores, this time someone accused me of not helping (I had been, but because she was too busy trying to get laid she didn’t notice). I told her to fuck off, just because she was cliquey with the tour guide, didn’t mean she was the boss and could tell me what to do. Fuck her and fuck everyone else. I hate almost all of these people. Believe it or not, I’m only getting along with the Europeans, the English and the Americans are awful, awful people to be around when they’re in big groups like this. The evening was spent doing the first base walk around Uluru. For some reason we don’t do the whole walk in one go, and only end up walking for an hour. It’s still early and lights aplenty but Jesus says it’s better over two days. We’ll see shall we?
SUNDAY 15TH MARCH
Another 04:30a.m start and it’s away to Uluru to finish the walk. It only takes a couple of hours, and we get some decent pictures of the sunrise. Even though we get some decent snaps, I still feel it’s much better done as one walk rather than two.Now here’s the thing, I’m not averse to walking or even hiking for that matter, in fact I did three pretty hefty ones in SE Asia, and didn’t complain. As I’ve explained before now I’m not the fittest bloke in the world, I’d even go as far to say as I’m probably the most out of shape person in this group, however this trek up Kings Canyon is an absolute joke. First off its 14:00p.m, one of the hottest times of the day and we’re expected to walk up a hill nicknamed ‘heart-attack hill.’ Like everyone else I start the climb no worries, but three parts of the way up the hill I’m already feeling it. At the first rest it’s got to be at least 35C (95F), and I backfill a litre of water. Fuck this for a game of soldiers; I’m not crippling myself for anyone so I head back down the mountain thoroughly pissed off. The reason I’m pissed is because this walk should be done early morning, when it’s a lot cooler. We couldn’t manage that though as we were too busy finishing the second walk around Uluru that we could and should have completed the previous day. All in all it was a horrible experience and could have been avoided by proper planning. The next two hours are spent waiting for the rest of the group to return, before we head back to camp for our final night out in the bush.
MONDAY 16TH MARCH
We get a lay in this morning, 08:00a.m start. There’s nothing on the schedule today other than getting to Alice Springs. So we pack everything into the truck and head back towards the Stuart Highway on another 8 hour drive along dirt roads.Around midday we stop off for what we think is just lunch, but turns out to be a bit of a show. Dinky the dingo lives out here. If you’ve never heard of Dinky, basically he’s a singing dingo. All you have to do is play the piano (it doesn’t matter to what standard, he’s not fussy), and he’ll sing; he sounds a little bit like Leona Lewis: Crap. Another four hours and we arrive in Alice Springs. It’s not a nice place and we’re told by Jesus under no circumstances should you go out on your own after 18:00p.m. As is tradition with these sort of trips everyone meets up for one last supper (ironic really as Jesus has been our guide) and then heads to the saloon to get pissed. Being a man who likes food and drink I oblige and head out for the night. The bar is probably the tackiest looking bar in all of the southern hemisphere, but the drinks cheap, the music’s loud and you can still smoke inside. I’m not a smoker, and I never have been, but smoking inside pubs should still be aloud throughout the world for one reason and one reason only, it hides the smell of body odour, and that is a far worse smell than cigarettes, anyone who says different is wrong. I have the best night I’ve had on the entire tour, the clique are still licking each other’s arses (I couldn’t give a toss about them), but everyone else is having a good time, even the quiet ones are partying.That concludes the tour except for one final thing. Din has taught me how to do the Rubik’s Cube, I’ve always wanted to learn, and now I can do it.
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