Aussie Rules!?! (01-02/03/09)

SUNDAY 1ST MARCH

HANGOVER ALERT! We’re up at 07:00a.m and I’m dying. We head to Hobart International (sic) Airport. We arrive and drop the hire car off and go to check-in. The staff were a pain in the arse and didn’t do anything to make it easy. Although you can’t take liquids over 100ml on international flights, you are allowed on internal flights, so what’s the difference? Are internal flights super-safe and un-crashable whereas international ones aren’t? After getting worked up, swearing a bit and getting beer sweats we went through to the departure lounge. It’s rubbish, there’s nowhere to get anything to eat or drink other than the solitary monopolising shop, where drinks are at least AU$7. I did, however, see on the news that there had been another shark attack near Sydney. I’m still not going in the water here. That’s the third attack in 3 weeks.
After a 50 minute flight we land in Melbourne, home to AFL, Neighbours, Shane Warne and lots of trams. We immediately got confused and couldn’t find the right bus into the city. After asking a few people, and getting nowhere, we chanced our arm and guessed. Luckily for us, we guessed right.
As everyone might know, I hate buses and bus journeys. This is because the driver is usually a complete arse. I suppose, I’d be an arse if I was an airport bus driver, driving foreigners – most of whom are pig-ignorant after a long-haul flight- around all day. However, this journey was ace. The driver was very helpful, polite, and funny, but only with us. Everyone else got the usual treatment, we must have got lucky because we were polite and having a joke and a laugh with him. As the saying goes if ‘A smile goes a long way,’ having a laugh must travel for light years.
We arrive at the hostel and we are greeted by a bloke named Pat. He must be gay because he’s camper than a row of tents. We’re shown to our room, dump our stuff and head for the town centre.
We mooch around for a couple of hours and see a lot of trams and trains. It’s a bit like stepping back in time, a time where rail, whether it be train or tram was King. It’s a magical thing to see, there aren’t many big cities (Manchester and Amsterdam excluded) where trams are in charge and are the best and most economical way of getting around. You couldn’t imagine it on the streets’ of London or New York.
When we get near to the main station, there are hundreds of footy fans heading towards the Etihad Stadium (formerly Telstra Dome). We didn’t know there was a game on today, we should have guessed though as this is Melbourne and Aussie Rules rules. We ask a couple what time the game starts, and after 20 minutes of dithering we finally head towards the stadium.
To get in it costs AU$15 (£7) each, that’s incredibly cheap even if it is only pre-season. In England a friendly involving a third tier football club will cost you at least a tenner and they’re usually dross, this is top standard AFL. AFL is a family experience and as it’s pre-season we’re allowed to sit anywhere (There is no segregation of fans. Apart from the Merseyside derby this doesn’t happen in English football), except the private bar area (these tickets were only AU$5 (£2.30) more). We settle in, second tier, just behind the goals.
I haven’t watched AFL seriously ever in my life; as a 10 year old my only foreign sports broadcasts came courtesy of Channel 4’s Saturday morning show Trans World Sports and so as far as I remember Aussie Rules is an 18-a-side brawl with lots of kicking; just don’t tell the Victorians I think this way. I hope to pick the rules up again fairly quickly as Louise is completely baffled by them and I’ve got to try to somehow explain. At least it’ll be easier than explaining cricket to an American!
As it’s pre-season the teams battle out for the NAB Cup. It’s a little bit like the Community Shield (in my house it’s still the Charity Shield), where teams don’t always put out there best side but winning it gives you bragging rights. 12 of the 16 teams in the AFL are based in and around the Melbourne area, so there are plenty of rivalries and plenty of big gates; the MCG gets over 100 000 when certain matches are played there.
Our first taste of live AFL is the second round NAB Cup match between Carlton Blues and Hawthorn Hawks. Hawthorn are reigning AFL champions, it shows, and they get off to a blistering start, they’re kicking goals (6pts) from everywhere and The Navy Blues can only respond with behinds (1pt). At the end of the first half Hawthorn is in front 0.7.8 (50)-1.4.8 (41)
The second half is a complete contrast and Carlton (who are at home), after getting some gyp from their fans, turn the game on its head and kick goals for fun and even get a couple of Supergoals (9pts) for good measure. Hawthorn can’t compete; even though it’s only pre-season they get beat up and Carlton run out winners 2.13.16 (112)-2.10.10 (88).
After the game finished we went to the casino. It’s huge, there’s so much to do and so many ways to lose your money. Whilst walking through we witnessed a blatant ‘The Price Is Right’ rip-off, called ‘The Price Is Right.’ Hosted on this occasion, not by Leslie Crowther (or Bob Barker if you’re from the USA), but by a twat in a grey suit who had the personality of a block of cheese. To compensate for his camembert personality he did had a couple of lovelies with him. They did however look like they’d been ‘Tango’d’ to within an inch of their life. The fella who was chosen had no concept of the game or money so didn’t win the AU$50 000 prize. Instead he got AU$1 000 and a kettle worth AU$24. I bet the cash would have lasted him all of 10 minutes on the Blackjack tables. I lost AU$50 in 4 spins on the roulette table so that was the end of the gambling for me.
On the way back to the hostel we stayed on the tram too long and ended up in St. Kilda, where we witnessed a mental woman smash a bottle on a lamp post and try and glass the bloke she was with. When I walked past she was screaming blue murder at him and asked me for help. I told her no. She then started having a go at me calling me a bad citizen. She was a bit to ‘chicken oriental.’ I just said to her, ‘Don’t have a go at me I’m English,’ and wandered on. She then rang the Copper’s trying to pin a load of shit on the bloke, who as far as we could see had done nothing wrong.
What a first day in Melbourne! I wonder if it’s always like this.

MONDAY 2ND MARCH

After an action packed day yesterday, today we opted for a nice relaxing walk around the city centre. We saw some of that city art and I don’t really see the attraction. To my unsophisticated eyes it looks like a piece of junk. A seven year old could knock together something of that level with chewed up Stickle Bricks.
I was after getting a haircut, as the £4 one I got in Thailand was looking a bit of a mess. I got one, it cost me AU$30 and that made it the most expensive haircut I’ve ever had. That bit I wasn’t really bothered about, it was the fact that she said I was going bald and what hair I did have was curly. Ok, so I am thinning a bit on my crown, but I definitely do not have curly hair. Curly hair is what devil kids have.
We spent the evening chilling out watching a couple of films and interwebbing. Before I went to bed a couple of the lads were outside playing croquet and one of them somehow managed to knock a croquet ball through a window 10 feet up. Correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t croquet a lawn game?