se asia and beyond

Rolling, Rolling, Rolling (18-21/06/09)

2009-06-22T09:05:00.001+01:00

THURSDAY 18TH JUNE

After another lesson with Rowena on the big slopes, where I fall over a lot and my feet hurt because of the fact I have to apply more pressure due to the incline. I went about my day with a lot of apprehension. It’s amazing how quickly you can lose your confidence after a few falls, and it seems like I’m starting over again.
That’s the boring bit of the day over. The real story of the day happened on the way home.We got on the bus at 15:00p.m ready for the fifty minute journey back to Methven. We were having a laugh and a joke with a couple of Aussies who we’d been talking to on the way up, just asking how their day had been and what not.
About ten minutes had passed and then there was a cry of ‘Stop the bus. There’s someone down there.’ With that the driver pulled over and about ten of us shot off the bus to see what was happening. Within seconds the reality of what had happened hit us. A car had gone over the edge of the cliff and rolled down about 200 yards. There was a woman about eighty feet down the cliff who had tried to climb back up, and her husband was still sat outside the wreck of the car unable to move anywhere.
One of the Aussies raced down to the devastation below to help out the man. In the meantime two other guys went to the aid of the woman and helped her back to the road, where she broke down unable to control her emotions.
As luck would have it in the five minutes that had passed three more cars had reached us and one of them had a doctor and a nurse aboard. The best of it was they had both been involved in a training exercise just six days previous relating to this kind of situation. With 111 having been called and the mountain rescue on their way, plus a doctor taking charge of the situation there was very little else we could do so we headed back to town, still astonished at what we had just witnessed.

FRIDAY 19TH JUNE

We didn’t go up the mountain today, as we were both quite tired from yesterday’s exertions. We didn’t really want to move either at 06:00a.m as it was absolutely freezing, so most of the day was spent doing a few chores. Also, it gave us a chance to sort out the TV. After spending most of the day up a mountain you don’t really want to be doing too much at night, so because we don’t gave have all that much money, watching TV is about all there is to do that’s free. Unfortunately the reception in town is not the best, so we asked Mark (the campsite owner) if he had a better aerial than the one we owned. Around twenty minutes later he returned with an aerial off the side of a house, and told us to hang it in a tree and make sure that it was pointing towards the kitchen. It does look like a bit of a bodge job, but it works so we can’t really complain.
The two people who were involved in the accident yesterday are both recovering after being air lifted to Christchurch hospital. The woman suffered only minor cuts and shock, while the man had a fractured pelvis and large laceration to the head. The car, a Toyota 4x4, was a right-off. If they had been in anything smaller they would both have probably died.

SATURDAY 20TH JUNE

Today was a very bad day for me as far as my snowboarding was concerned. I went straight on to the big run and within ten minutes I suffered a pretty bad fall. It was so bad that I couldn’t even walk for the entire day and it has rendered me unable to board until about Wednesday. Not the best news by any stretch. In the evening we went out to watch the All Blacks against France. We didn’t stay out much longer than full time as I was in a fair bit of pain just being stood up.

SUNDAY 21st JUNE

Sundays are definitely going to be our day off from the slopes, just because of the sheer volume of people. There are far too many and it makes it difficult to ski or ride comfortably. Instead we just dossed around the campsite watching TV and getting warm in front of the log fire. I also heard that yesterday one of the lift operators was having some ski time and a snowboarder ran into him and caused him (the lifty) to break his neck in two places. In my opinion there are too many people who don’t know the basics i.e. stopping and turning. If they did then things like this wouldn’t happen as everyone concerned knows how to avoid the situation. Maybe it was just a freak accident but I’m not so sure.

Rolling, Rolling, Rolling (18-21/06/09)

2009-06-22T09:05:00.000+01:00

Merthyr Tydfill Is Shit: Fact? (15-17/06/09)

2009-06-22T09:00:00.001+01:00

MONDAY 15TH JUNE

It’s the first day back on the slopes today and I’m hoping to improve somewhat on my previous attempts. Louise and I both decide that we’ll go it alone today and see if we can make any improvements without the help of an instructor. For the first hour or so I’m going well, making my turns well and staying upright the entire length of the slope. However, my overconfidence becomes my downfall and the majority of the second half of the day is spent on my arse, or crashing on my knees. Not exactly what I’d been hoping for at this morning. After carrying on where I left off this morning, I’m ready to pack in for the day come 14:30p.m. I’ve not really improved at all and I’m feeling a little sorry for myself; and Christ my legs are killing.

TUESDAY 16TH JUNE

The alarm went off at the ungodly hour of 06:00a.m and boy was it cold. So cold in fact that both Louise and I rolled straight over and went to sleep again until 09:00a.m, and therefore making it highly unlikely that we’d make the late bus either. Eventually we got it together enough to go and shower and somehow try and waste a whole day in Methven. The good news was we found something to do all day; the bad news was it wasn’t all that interesting, and could have been done in a lot less time had we not lost each other. I don’t know how it happened but Louise wandered off after going to the post office and because I don’t really pay attention I meandered off in the opposite direction. It took us almost an hour to find one another, which is no mean feat with only two streets to hide amongst.Back at the campsite we spent the night in the company of a young and well educated couple from Wales named Mike and Hayley. Some of the people you meet while you’re away are so dull that you won’t want to recall (or can’t) anything they ever say or do because they’re just not that interesting. Gladly these two weren’t of that ilk and we had a rather pleasant night recalling our travels and telling stories of back home. The best one that they told us was that according to the Lonely Planet guidebooks their hometown of Merthyr Tydfil is so bad that it just says ‘avoid.’ I’ve never been to Merthyr but I want to go there now just because the Lonely Planet is nearly always wrong in its’ opinion of small towns and its’ praise for big cities is nearly always over-exaggerated.

WEDNESDAY 17TH JUNE

It’s back to the mountain today after our lazy day yesterday. Louise and I both opt for another private lesson and both of us get new teachers. Fortunately this is a good thing as I learn a hell of a lot more in one hour with my new teacher Rowena (I like this name. I don’t know why I just do) than I had with my first. She manages to get me turning properly on both heels and toes, which is quite an achievement as previously I hadn’t been that confident due to me constantly falling over. The rest of the day I’m zooming down the slopes full of it. Maybe tomorrow I’ll get off the beginner slopes and be a little more daring.

Merthyr Tydfill Is Shit: Fact? (15-17/06/09)

2009-06-22T09:00:00.000+01:00

Do The Haka! (11-14/06/09)

2009-06-22T08:57:00.001+01:00

THURSDAY 11TH JUNE

We got up at stupid o’clock as Dot and Flash were leaving and had to be at the airport for 07:45a.m. I don’t know why but Louise seems to think that because you’re told you can check in at the airport three hours before take-off, you have to be there three hours before take-off. So we head to Christchurch international airport at 07:15a.m.After Kath and Andrew are checked-in, Louise and I are ready to leave. As its goodbye for about three or four months, there are a few tears on Dot and Louise’s part. After taking the big van back, it was back to reality and the small camper once more. Christ, there’s hardly any room in these things. At least we’re going to be on a campsite for eight weeks so we’ve got somewhere to relax where there’s a real lounge, and a proper kitchen to cook in. But first it’s off to Dunedin again.

FRIDAY 12TH JUNE

We stayed on the campsite for the most part of the day as we’re having a big day tomorrow. It’s the first test between New Zealand and France and we’re going so it will probably be a very long and costly day.

SATURDAY 13TH JUNE

Today is match day so we get ourselves wrapped up as it is very cold, and head towards ‘The Octagon’: the heart of Dunedin city centre. We didn’t get to town until around 13:30p.m but the octagon was buzzing with both Kiwis and French. Now most of the day was spent drinking what the locals call simply ‘kiwi. ’ it is in fact premium strength lager called Steinlager; a rather palatable alcoholic beverage that is only NZ$6 a pint. While supping lager and watching the locals get agitated by the French singing ‘Allez Le Bleus,’ I got more and drunk; so much so that I can’t really remember much about the match itself. I can remember the All Blacks doing the Haka, and I can remember somebody letting a cockerel loose on the pitch. Also I managed to get into the executive lounge and steal a programme that had been left for some important rugby dignitary. Everything else is a blur. Although I did see a man on stilts dressed as a devil/ram

SUNDAY 14TH JUNE

With the most rotten hangover ever we headed to Methven (via Ashburton, where I sat in the van minging, while Louise went food shopping) to start our six-eight weeks of intense skiing/snowboarding. Hopefully after a few lessons I’ll get the hang of it. However, not being a natural athlete or having a very good sense of balance, standing with two feet strapped to a five foot piece of wood and propelling myself down a hill doesn’t sound like something I will take to with ease. Let’s see.

Do The Haka! (11-14/06/09)

2009-06-22T08:57:00.000+01:00

So Long, Fairwell, Auf Wiedersehen, Adieu (8-10/06/09)

2009-06-22T08:54:00.001+01:00

MONDAY 8TH JUNE

Today, after finally sorting out everything, we leave Methven and head again to Kaikoura via Christchurch.In Christchurch we find out that our gas bottle is out of date and so therefore it can’t be filled legally. This means we have to go back to the hire place for yet another problem with the van. This puts us a couple of hours behind and makes Louise pretty pissed off that she has to drive in the dark yet again. When we arrive at Kaikoura the likelihood of the whale watch going ahead is very small, as the weather is pretty filthy, but we’ll see tomorrow.

TUESDAY 9TH JUNE

Dot Com and Flash tried to go whale watching on a boat today, but were unable to due to rough seas. They did however go and do it in a plane for a whole NZ$5 more. I went looking for some books at the very quaint little book shop on the high street and picked up a couple of Bill Bryson novels. They’re bound to be good as he’s one of the funniest authors I’ve ever read. It was back on the road as soon as Derek and Clive had finished their whale watch (where they saw four compared to our one) we headed back to Christchurch along the rather awkward Highway One (what classes for motorways in New Zealand takes some getting used to).

WEDNESDAY 10TH JUNE

It’s Dot and Flash’s last full day in the country, so the only obvious thing to do is go souvenir shopping for one last time. I don’t like shopping unless it’s for my benefit. So I spent most of the afternoon stood in Cathedral Square, Christchurch, watching grown men playing giant chess. By giant chess, I don’t mean chess with giants, but chess using rather large chess pieces. Watching other people play chess is tantamount to looking at other people’s holiday photos: it’s incredibly boring.As a gift from Flash for driving him and Dot around New Zealand for five weeks, he took us out for dinner. With the cost of eating out fairly high everywhere you go, we opted for the buffet at the casino. The food was good and I won NZ$400 on the roulette; every little helps when you’re not earning.

So Long, Fairwell, Auf Wiedersehen, Adieu (8-10/06/09)

2009-06-22T08:54:00.000+01:00

Snowboard Master (4-7/06/09)

2009-06-16T05:50:00.001+01:00

THURSDAY 4TH JUNE

We’re off to Methven today. Methven is the place where Louise and I are going to be based for about six to eight weeks as we’re going to learn how to snowboard and ski. Due to the fact that Mt. Hutt has had some good early snow Flash said he fancied having a go as he’s a pretty good skier, so we thought we might as well go for a couple of days while we’re passing through. On the way we go over Arthurs Pass again, but this time we don’t see any Kea’s that we shouldn’t feed and I have a slight feeling of regret that my eagerness to feed them may have caused one or two to become slovenly and die.

FRIDAY 5TH JUNE

A very slow day today as we’d missed all two of the busses up to Mt. Hutt and so we had to bum around the town. I did have my first haircut since early March which was done by a girl from Bristol, who just so happens to have gone to school with one of the two people I’d ever spoken to in Methven before today- Small world. In the evening we had a homemade roast dinner and then I built a fire.

SATURDAY 6TH JUNE

We’re all up at 07:00a.m to catch the 09:45a.m bus up the hill to the ski slopes. It’s NZ$26 each to get up in the bus. Hopefully if we’re here for a good part of the season we can get a better price on the bus otherwise we’ll be cutting our snow time dramatically.
On the way up to the mountain Dot near enough has a heart attack as it’s so high up and the roads are windy and it’s windy and there are zero crash barriers. It comes as little consolation to her that the driver has done this for more than twenty years and a bus has so far failed to fall off the edge since the road has been open. Once we’re in and kitted up Flash goes about his day alone somewhere amongst the thousands of advanced level skiers while Louise and I find someone to teach us. In no time we find ourselves in some group lessons and we head our separate ways. I’m being taught by Matt a 26 year old from Christchurch who has been teaching for about three years even though he’s only been snowboarding for a total of five. Maybe it’s true what they say about snowboarding: it doesn’t take you long to get good at it.
The first challenge for me is to get into the leading foot of one of my bindings. Because I wasn’t too sure about which foot I would be leading with, Lyn the Shopkeeper set me up duck i.e. with both feet, toes angled out. It doesn’t take me long to realise that I’ll be more comfortable leading left-footed, which comes as a little bit of a surprise. Before long I’m able to snowboard in a straight line, turn left and right and stop. The only thing is I tend to fall over at will at regular intervals.
After lunch (which is needed) the rest of my group disappear and so I get one-on-one tuition. This helps me to sort out some of my problems and soon I’m off down the slopes on my own, but I’m still falling on my arse. And then the snow comes. This also coincides with the end of my lesson, which means I’m trying to ‘board on my own in heavy snow after only minimal guidance from Matt. I stick with it and manage not to kill myself or break any bones, which I must admit is good going on my part.
On the way down it’s still pissing with snow, and because she can’t see the drop, Dot is fine with the bus journey back into Methven - Weirdo.

SUNDAY 7TH JUNE

An even earlier start today as we get on the 07:45a.m bus. Dot stays at the campsite as she’s going for a hot-air balloon ride, which leaves the rest of us in peace. Somehow the journey takes two hours and so we miss out on an early lesson. The whole place is packed to the rafters with families with small children (all of whom are expert skiers) and school kids. This makes it extremely difficult to practice or learn anything new on my own. With a great deal of effort (due to my aching body- I think I may lose a bit of excess weight doing this) I manage to do a few runs without falling over. Result.
As the day draws on it’s clear that I’m not going to get all that further with my newly acquired skills. I think it’s safe to say that Sundays may well be my day off from this as there are far too many people to safely negotiate. We all head back into Methven t 15:00p.m, and when we get back to the campsite we find that Dot hasn’t been on her balloon ride as it was cancelled due to cloudy skies. Although she waited patiently at the right place from 08:20a.m this morning, no-one came to pick her up. After Lyn from the ski shop phoned them up to find out where they were, apparently they had left a voice mail at 07:00a.m this morning. Maybe that was who rang while we were all getting ready this morning!

Snowboard Master (4-7/06/09)

2009-06-16T05:50:00.000+01:00

I Think I Might Be Stuck (1-3/06/09)

2009-06-16T05:45:00.001+01:00

MONDAY 1ST JUNE

We left Queenstown and drove to Franz Joseph village. It was probably the longest journey ever. It was different to all the rest as we picked up two hitch-hikers. One from South Africa via Wales and Zimbabwe named David, and one from France named Comb (like tomb but with a ‘C’). Dot was scared that they might try and kill us, as she watches too many films, and so she sat in the front with Louise for the first time in three and a half weeks. This left me to keep the two of them entertained with the help of Flash. There’s very little else to be said really, as sitting in the back of a campervan really is quite boring. Although today is the end of New Zealand music month, and to celebrate they’ve brought out a CD and book containing New Zealand’s greatest songs. It turns out they’re both blank.

TUESDAY 2ND JUNE

Last night we freedom camped in FJ village, apparently you’re not supposed to. We realised this when Louise along with Steptoe and Son went for a helicopter ride around FJ and Fox glaciers. When they went to get in the helicopter, it just so happened that the exact place where we had camped overnight was also the main helipad. Oops! Maybe in future we should check out our surroundings a little better in future; although doing it in the dark is very difficult. As I said Louise, Flash and Dot went on a helicopter ride over the two main glaciers. By all accounts it was pretty amazing. That still doesn’t mean I want to do it as I’m even more wary of going in a helicopter than I am an aeroplane. Maybe one day, when they make it the safest mode of transport around, I might change my mind and go up in one.

WEDNESDAY 3RD JUNE

As we’re becoming ultra keen on doing walks all of a sudden, we got up really earlier and headed off to climb Franz Joseph Glacier this morning. When I say ‘we’, I’m not including Dot-Com in that as she struggles to climb the stairs at the best of times, so climbing a massive lump of ice will be pretty difficult.
Once we’ve sorted ourselves out and crossed over the 1.5 miles of rocks from the car park to the glacier face, we eventually get to step foot on to the billions of gallons of frozen water. First though we have to put on our crampons. We all get ourselves sorted (Flash, even though he’s just been shown can’t remember how to do it so I have to help him), except for two Chinese girls. Somehow they’ve managed to not get any crampons, despite being reminded and asked numerous times by the guides before and during the bus journey. Eventually after a lot of radio speak we set foot on the mighty Franz Joseph Glacier.
On the glacier walk itself there are eleven in our group, nine girls, one other lad and me. We are led by a young lad named Turtle. He’s been given this name, not due to his resemblance of a half-shelled amphibian, but because he is a very slow walker: my kind of guide. Once we’ve made it up the makeshift steps and over a load more rocks and rubble, we’re told that there will be a lot of small crevasses to negotiate and we’ll be on the ice for around six hours. The six hour ice time I can handle, but the small crevasses might be a challenge.
Turtle to leads the way and after around an hour in some of the rich kids in the group are moaning that ‘it’s a long way,’ or ‘it’s cold’. Get a grip; it’s a big block of ice. Before long we encounter our first crevasse and Louise has a massive panic when she gets stuck for a whole thirty seconds. After she takes her bag off, she gets through no problem. I then throw her back her bag and it falls into oblivion (it will only be lost for around eighty years mind, as that’s how long it takes for the very top ice to reach the bottom). Later on I get stuck in a crevasse, and then cut my hand on the ice just to add injury to insult. After getting patched up we start our descent back to the car park. It only takes around an hour, but it’s still dark by the time we get back to the village.
Later in the evening we go out to meet Louise, a woman we met earlier on in our travels whilst we were in Phuket. We catch up with a few drinks and some stories and then head back to the van absolutely knackered and aching.

I Think I Might Be Stuck (1-3/06/09)

2009-06-16T05:45:00.000+01:00

It's Not Too Extreme Is It? (29-31/05/09)

2009-06-16T05:40:00.001+01:00

FRIDAY 29TH MAY

For some reason I’m not in the mood for extreme sports/activities and so therefore I pass on the opportunity to go on the Shot over jet. This is essentially sitting in a stunt speed boat and zooming around a river with your life in the hands of the driver. Louise went along with Batman and Robin while in the mean time I checked out the casino. As it turned out I won a fair bit playing Blackjack (supposedly a mugs game). Because I was enjoying myself so much I ended up being late meeting back with the Brady Bunch and was subsequently scolded until I told Louise how much I’d won.

SATURDAY 30TH MAY

Most of the day was spent wandering the town while Flash went to do his bungy jump. As I said before I’ve thought about doing it but Flash has no fear and disappeared at 14:00p.m to do the deed. In the meantime me, Louise and Dot checked out a bit more of Queenstown. It still seems a little quiet and I think that’s definitely the case as there still aren’t that many people inhabiting the streets. When you go to Queenstown, the only place you are supposed to eat is at Fergburger. As they say, ‘When in Rome.’ I wasn’t disappointed with my burger in a bag, and as I’d had a few afternoon drinks I will admit that this is officially the Nº1 after beer food, even above the humble kebab. Flash arrived safe and sound at 18:00p.m with the biggest cheesiest grin ever, pasted all over his face. He also had the funniest video ever of someone doing a bungy jump. In the evening Flash, because of his exertions earlier in the day stayed in while the rest of us headed out into the Queenstown night, which ended up with us in the casino. Without realising, Dot managed to win on the roulette table. I think it might have something to do with her being pissed. I did also see the F.A Cup final and was hoping for the impossible that neither team won, as I’m a Liverpool fan and hate both Everton and Chelsea.

SUNDAY 31ST MAY

I was a very late day today, due in no small part to last night’s excesses. Eventually we made it off the campsite and headed to do a bit of shopping. Louise wanted an All Blacks hoody and I wanted to buy the new British Lions rugby jersey and so we went to the local sports shop. I purchased the hoody for Louise and after I’d paid for it asked what turned out to be the most offensive question ever (well the way the shop owner reacted, you’d think I’d try to screw his wife)! I was foolish enough to ask why rugby jersey’s retail at NZ$150 when I can get the same jersey for the equivalent of NZ$120 back home. Apparently that’s the rrp and at least 8 people in the last two weeks had told him that NZ$150 was cheaper than they could get it the UK. I told him he was full of shit and if he’d spoke to me with that attitude before I’d bought the hoody for Louise then he would have lost a sale. What an arrogant prick.
We all went to Fergburger again for tea, Flash demolished the biggest burger on the menu along with a bag of chips. After pigging out we were all too knackered to do anything.
By the way, I can get a Lions jersey for £45 or NZ$113, so he was full of shit.

It's Not Too Extreme Is It? (29-31/05/09)

2009-06-16T05:40:00.000+01:00

Turn On The Lights (26-28/05/09)

2009-06-16T05:37:00.001+01:00

TUESDAY 26TH MAY

Te Anau is only a small town, and it is mainly used as a base for people who want to go to Milford Sound. We’re no different, but as there isn’t much to do unless you want to walk by the lake (which is pretty difficult when you have someone with severe arthritis), we ended up wandering the town looking for tat and souvenirs for family and friends. Dot bought some kiwi chocolate which we all ate the minute we sat down.In the evening we visited the famous Te Anau Glow worm caves (another monopoly tick). I suppose I was expecting a little bit too much when I thought the aforementioned glow worms would light up the cave like a 40Watt bulb. For the past couple of weeks since I’ve known that I’d be coming to these caves I’ve been a bit thick. Why would some tiny glow worms light up a cave like Blackpool illuminations’? They wouldn’t would they? The main reason for this would be that they’re tiny little worms, and not light bulbs.

WEDNESDAY 27TH MAY

A nice early start today: this seems to have become a rare occurrence since Porgy and Bess have been with us, as they both like to lie in bed all morning. Anyway I digress. We’re off to the spectacular Milford Sound in the New Zealand Fiordlands. We’re on a bus trip with a load of strangers, some token Japs and a tour guide who looks like he’s been shot in the face or mauled by a bear and then had his face patched up by a blind man. All that being said he’s a very good tour guide. On the way to Milford the only thing we pass that we learn anything about is the Homer Tunnel. The tunnel itself took 18 years to complete and this seems a pretty long time, even for the thirties and forties when it was built. When you realise that it has quite a big slope and goes through a mountain, then maybe the time scale is justified. We arrived at Milford Sound and headed for our ferry. Even from the quay you can see how spectacular it looks, although it’s nothing compared to when you’re actually sailing through it.I don’t think there are any adjectives that can describe Milford Sound in such a way that you realise its beauty and size, but here are a few that are still a way off the mark; Vast, mesmerizing, calm, and exposed. On the way back we stopped at the wonderfully named Mirror Lakes, where you could see a perfect reflection of the mountains. We also stopped at a place called The Chasm, which did exactly what it said on the tin.

THURSDAY 28TH MAY

Our last day in Te Anau was spent trying to organise The Two Ronnie’s. Between them, they have no idea where they’ve been or where they’re going. Today we’re going to Queenstown, and when we told Butch and Sundance they said, ‘Oh, Ok. What’s there to do there?’ Now I’m not being funny, but this is Queenstown, New Zealand, extreme sports capital of the world. But if you go around with your head in the clouds like these pair, then you’re not going to know that are you? On the way out of Te Anau, I got my picture took with a statue of a stag. I don’t know why I just thought it would look good. As it turns out it doesn’t, as you can see.

We arrived in Queenstown early afternoon and the place seemed a little bit subdued. It might be because the snow season hasn’t quite kicked off yet but we’ll see. We all had a walk round to check out some of the sights and sounds and see how much money we could spend. As it turns out you can spend a fortune here as predicted. Flash wants to do the 134m (440ft) bungy and it’s NZ$240 for the privilege. I’m thinking about doing it, but that’s about probably as far as I’ll get with it, thinking.

Turn On The Lights (26-28/05/09)

2009-06-16T05:37:00.000+01:00

Use The Cheap Stuff (23-25/05/09)

2009-06-16T05:32:00.001+01:00

SATURDAY 23RD MAY

An early start and we were on the road by 09:30a.m, which is pretty good considering there’s four us and two of them are Cannon and Ball. We made it to Invercargill just after lunchtime after stopping for extortionately priced diesel and seeing more hills and stuff.We followed the signs for the local i-site and ended up beside Queen’s Park. Outside the park were two large fountains, both of which had been vandalised. By vandalised I don’t mean spray painted, I mean vandalised in a way that you always wish you’d done as a kid. Yes, somebody had tipped two gallons of Pam’s (New Zealand’s budget brand) washing up liquid into it and the outcome was washing up bubbles everywhere. Like I say, I wish I had done it as a kid, but there wasn’t a fountain in my hometown. The closest thing I did was fire washing up liquid at a duck whilst on holiday in Newquay, and then laughed my head off two hours later when I realised there might be clouds of quacking bubbles floating along a river somewhere.There wasn’t all that much happening in Invercargill today, but just down the road in Bluff, there was the ‘World Famous Bluff Oyster Festival,’ so we headed there for some raw shellfish.
On arriving we managed to smuggle Dot in for free somehow, and then headed towards an array of tents, all of which were selling some kind of shellfish. I don’t like oysters, so stuck to bacon wrapped mussels (delicious), while everyone else had a go at the raw oysters. For some reason, Flash has no fear of anything other than frogs and toads. This means that he will climb, jump off or eat anything, so oysters were going to be no problem for him, and he quickly dispatched half a dozen. Louise wanted to have a go and reluctantly ate one. And then there was Dot. She pulls her face at anything that looks, smells or sounds unusual and oysters fall into at least two of those categories. Being unenthusiastic about eating an oyster, she still tried one. The look on her face said it all from the moment it was in her mouth. Over here they tell you to chew them, not swallow them whole so Dotty did. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone pull so many faces in such a short space of time. I think it was safe to say that she didn’t enjoy the experience much.The rest of the day was spent wandering round the festival, and then we headed back to the campground.

SUNDAY 24TH MAY

Being as it’s Sunday, nowhere is open as usual. I think it has something to do with the people over here being a bit lazy. Now before people start moaning that I’m slagging off New Zealanders, this seems to be the opinion of most commentators on New Zealand culture and not my specific opinion. However I’m starting to agree as no-one seems to ever be around on a Sunday. Maybe it’s me and the fact that I’m used to 24/7 comforts. As all but the pubs were open, we went for a wander around Queens Park. The park is fairly big and has a large aviary with many indigenous birds such as the Kea and the Cockatoo. The latter of which was shouting ‘Hello’ and ‘Who’s a pretty boy,’ although its diction wasn’t the best it was still more decipherable than Flash.

MONDAY 25TH MAY

The van broke down. This meant after ringing the hire company and taking it to the garage we lost most of the day. Eventually we set off towards Te Anau at 16:00p.m. We finally arrived in Te Anau at 19:00p.m not before stopping off at Clifden Suspension Bridge, New Zealand’s oldest surviving suspension bridge. I wouldn’t have mentioned it as it wasn’t all that interesting, but Dot had a panic attack coming back over it as she thought it was going to collapse. While me and Louise stood laughing, Flash had the job of coaxing Dot back to the van all the while Dot was shouting,’ I don’t like it, I don’t like it.’

Use The Cheap Stuff (23-25/05/09)

2009-06-16T05:32:00.000+01:00

We're Related To The Krays. Righto! (18-22/05/09)

2009-06-16T05:24:00.001+01:00

MONDAY 18TH MAY

Last night it rained constantly and carried on until we left the Evansdale Cheese factory. The only reason we stopped was because Louise was fed up of driving in the rain, which is fair enough I suppose. After filling up on tasty cheese we headed to the ‘Edinburgh of the South.’ I am of course talking about Dunedin. I don’t know why but Dunedin is one of the places I’ve looked forward the most on this trip, so we’ll see if it lives up to expectations. When we entered the city we didn’t know where we were going or where to head. As it turned out we ended up driving past Baldwin Street, ‘The World’s Steepest Street.’ We thought we might as well walk up it, to quote a phrase ‘Because It’s There.’ It was a fair old hike, it’s only 150 yards long, but at 1 in 2.67 at its steepest point I suppose it is quite steep. Me, Louise and Flash all did it, and thankfully there was a water fountain at the top to have a drink and then head back down. At the bottom you can go to the shop and get your certificate to say you conquered the street. Before going to the campsite we had a wander around the city centre, or as it’s known ‘The Octagon.’ Louise and I went to the ticket office to see if we could get tickets for the All Blacks v France at Carisbrook (Dunedin’s Rugby Stadium). With a bit of luck we managed to get ourselves a couple of tickets for the match on 13th June, so it gives us an excuse to come back here without Eric and Ernie. Speaking of the Terrible Twins, they’ve booked themselves on a train journey tomorrow.

TUESDAY 19TH MAY

With Thelma and Louise on their railway journey it gave Louise and I a chance to just chill out a bit. Going on holiday with family is the most stressful thing in the world. Between Louise and I we managed to do the housekeeping, and that was about all she wrote. It did rain again for the entire day, leaving us both pretty fed up with the weather. I did manage to visit Dunedin Railway station as we had to pick up Cagney and Lacey; so that’s another tick for my monopoly list. Apparently Dunedin Railway Station is New Zealand’s most photographed building, so I thought I’d help keep that record up.

WEDNESDAY 20TH MAY

The weather’s not letting up. Still it is insisting on pissing down, today however it is sleet and hailstones as well as rain.We’ve stayed on a campsite since Monday, and so haven’t had to worry too much about being cold, it’s just pretty depressing when you want to go and do something but can’t for fear of getting drenched to the bone. With these obstacles to tackle we have no option but to choose indoor activities. And with all the options considered we opt for the Speight’s Brewery Tour. The tour seems to be a lot like the Monteith’s one Louise and I did in Greymouth; except for the fact that the guy on our tour was trying just that little bit too hard to get us excited about brewing beer. I enjoy drinking beer and I am interested up to a point, but I think that having gone on two tours in the last three weeks that I won’t ever go on another one unless it’s the Kopparberg Cider one. Plus this tour wasn’t as good as Monteith’s do better beer.
At the end of the tour we got talking to an English couple originally from London, who had been living in Queensland for the last 30 years. The conversation was just general chit-chat about England and what’s going on back there. The conversation then got to talking about London in the 1960’s. Now before I go on, I like a lot of people knew exactly where this story was going, I hoped it wouldn’t go where I thought, but it did. For those of you who don’t, let me carry on.
Back in the 1960’s the woman from this couple was only fourteen but her future husband was seventeen. One day she found out that her Uncles (just what she called them) had people following her to make sure this boy was behaving while out with their niece. Around ten years later after she’d left England, she was on the phone to her parents, and you’ll never guess what? That’s right, her ‘Uncles’ were none other than the infamous Ronnie and Reggie Kray (She made no mention of their other brother Charlie) What a load of bollocks. Somebody on the ‘gangster’ bandwagon again. Every time someone from London talks to me it seems they’re related to the Krays. Are they trying to impress me? I hope not because it doesn’t. Everyone who knows somebody that ever had a drink in an East End pub in the sixties has got a tale about the Krays. Most of them wouldn’t know who they were if you battered them with three life sized effigies. I don’t know why this really riles the shit out of me, because it's almost certainly lies.
Afterwards we went for the biggest meal ever at the Speight’s Ale House just down the road from the factory (which is situated on what seems the second steepest street in the world), then went to the Dunedin Casino where I promptly lost NZ$60 at Caribbean Stud. After much food and beer and gambling it was back to the joys of the campervan and the constant drumming of the rain.

THURSDAY 21ST MAY

Today we left Dunedin and headed out to the Otago Peninsula and Larnach Castle (another one for the monopoly board checklist). The Castle itself is set in amongst glorious gardens, and so it looks absolutely spectacular from the outside. That says quite a lot for the place as being an English Briton I get spoilt with my fair share of castles and stately homes. Inside is equally picturesque, but unfortunately I was unable to take photographs of the inside because rules is rules and they said so. So if you want to know what it’s like inside, you will have to either take my word that it is very nice or spent a thousand quid and fly here for yourself.As it was getting late on in the day we rushed to end of the peninsula to catch a glimpse of the only accessible albatross colony in the world. Unfortunately due to the inclement weather again that was very difficult and all that happened was Louise got wet along with The Krankies, and I got muddy. This was because I fell down a hill. Whilst walking down the hill, no sooner had I said to Louise that the track down to the cliff edge was a little bit slippery, I slid ten feet down the hill and was caked in mud and sheep shit. It wasn’t very gracious either. When it happened I looked like Dumbo on ice rather than Bambi. Worse still, we didn’t see a single albatross, just a lonely seal resting on the rocks.With me wet through and smelling like a sheep, we stopped at the nearest campsite to wash my clothes and get showered. In the meantime Louise and Dot got pissed on a box of wine – very classy indeed.

FRIDAY 22ND MAY

Finally, we left the Dunedin area and headed further south still, to Invercargill where we are planning on heading to Bluff and then to Stewart Island. Not knowing which way to go we stopped in the little town of Balclutha and asked the proprietor of the the local coffee shop. She recommended taking the Southern Scenic Route as it was very ‘scenic’. No shit Sherlock. As we were no wiser ourselves we took heed of the advice and proceeded along the SSR. Again the rain came. We saw what must have been 90% of New Zealand’s sheep population and the odd horse but little else. By scenic, I think they mean green, hilly and sheep infested. Because we were late leaving we ended up parked in a lay-by overnight just before the village of Papatowai. I think there were less than five cars that passed us all night as it is a very remote part of the country.

We're Related To The Krays. Righto! (18-22/05/09)

2009-06-16T05:24:00.000+01:00

Flash Takes The Plunge(r) (14-17/05/09)

2009-06-16T05:18:00.001+01:00

THURSDAY 14TH MAY

Instead of going down the coast, we headed inland to do the loop that would take in Lake Tekapo. First we stopped at the town of Geraldine for lunch. After lunch Louise and I went for a walk around town while leaving Laurel and Hardy to wash up. Surely they couldn’t balls that up could they? On the way back we saw Flash shoot up the road. We thought maybe he’d been caught short so we went back to the van and asked Dot where he’d gone. When we got into the van the pots hadn’t been done and asked Dot why they were still in the sink. She said that the sink was blocked and Flash had gone to get a plunger! Louise and I looked at each other in dismay and asked had they bothered checking to see if the gray water was full first. The answer was obviously no, as we checked it ourselves to see if it was full. The answer was a resounding yes. This meant that Flash had run around town looking for a plunger for no apparent reason. The plunger is now sat in the cupboard taking up space. We arrived at Lake Tekapo around 16:00p.m and headed for a campsite because we had to get some power and empty the gray water. We had a very quick walk around the town. After a swift one in the pub while we waited for Flash to book his star gazing (some people would say he does that all day already), it was back to camp for the night.

FRIDAY 15TH MAY

We woke up to a stunning sight as it had snowed over night, and all the mountains that surrounded the lake had a fresh blanket of white over them, amazing. Louise had found out there was an ice rink not far from the campsite and talked me into going. I was more than a little wary after my last experience in Central Park NYC. When I was there I fell over about six times in twenty minutes and only made it round twice before exiting the ice defeated, while Louise zoomed around like a pro. This time was different. Only me, Louise and Flash were on the ice so I was a bit more confident. Flash had been ribbing me about how it was easy so I thought ‘fuck it’ and just went for it. I turned out to be better than expected and didn’t fall over once. While Flash, after his boast about how easy it was, fell over at least three times. Afterwards we headed to the thermal pools where Dot joined us. These weren’t smelly like the ones at Hanmer Springs so it made for a more enjoyable experience. The backdrop of the snow-capped mountains was mind-blowing. I never thought I’d be sitting in a pool, relaxing without a care in the world with such incredible scenery all around. It beats working that’s for sure.Flash ‘Arry went star-gazing again as it was cancelled last night, so the rest of us stayed around the camp and listened to the incessant rain.

SATURDAY 16th MAY

We shot off a bit sharpish this morning as we didn’t pay for our second night on the camp. I begrudge paying anyway as we only used the showers and it cost us NZ$2. Flash managed to put his money in the wrong shower, so he was stood in a cold shower for five minutes before he realised. We headed to Oamaru a small town about seventy miles north of Dunedin. On the way we drove through a town called Twizel (I’ve put this in because I like the name),then drove past the massive Benmore Dam, before stopping to check out the Takiroa Maori Rock Art Site west of Duntroon. Some of them have fallen off as they’re on limestone, but it was worth a look.We arrived in Oamaru and Eric and Ernie booked a trip to see some yellow eyed penguins. Louise and I had already seen plenty of penguins so we spent the early evening in the local pub. After a couple of hours in the pub one of the barman said that there were two malingerers hanging around our van. I rushed outside to tackle the ne’er-do-wells and found Mork and Mindy looking for a way to get into the van, even though we’d told them we’d be waiting in the pub. Louise and I stayed out for the night and were going to go to the famous Penguin Club to watch a few bands until we found out there was only about 20 people inside and the bands were crap. Instead we stayed at the pub and drank half a bottle of Bombay Sapphire.

SUNDAY 17TH MAY

After waking up with a gin-head, I got a quick shower (by quick I mean get wet, turn off shower, have a wash, rinse off. These self contained campers only hold 80 litres of water but take 20 minutes to warm up 25 litres), and we went to visit the local whisky distillery. I not a whisky drinker at all but I went in all the same, and ended up spending all my time in the art gallery upstairs. Being ignorant about most forms of art, I found what was here really good, but hey what do I know. We left Oamaru and headed to Moeraki Boulders about forty miles up the road. I don’t know how they got here or what they’re made of, but I do know they look spectacular and they’re fun to climb on. But the best thing I saw while I was here was watching Dot get on and off one of the boulders. She has quite a bit of difficulty doing stuff like this has she has arthritis. However as we’re nearly related I’m allowed to laugh at her when she’s stumbling and groping while trying to get on and off some massive stones. So far it’s the funniest thing I’ve seen in New Zealand. After fun on the beach we stopped off at Shag Point to take a photo of the sign and then found somewhere to park. As it was dark and there was loads of rain we stayed within the warmth of the campervan and played Monopoly the ‘Here and Now New Zealand Edition’. I realised that without trying I’ve already visited 6 of the places on the board in the four weeks I’ve been here. Now that just makes me want to visit the rest of them now.

Flash Takes The Plunge(r) (14-17/05/09)

2009-06-16T05:18:00.000+01:00

Dot Com And Flash Harry (11-13/05/09)

2009-06-16T05:14:00.001+01:00

MONDAY 11TH MAY

We’re off to pick up Dot and Flash today. However, we have to go and pick up a bigger van as a 3-berth is going to be a bit of a squeeze. The new van’s massive and it’s got a shower and toilet so that’s a bonus, plus its diesel and manual; this means we’ll get around quicker and cheaper. We arrived at Christchurch International Terminal and after not too long out stroll Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle –Dee with grins as big as Cheshire Cats; which is ironic as they’re from Macclesfield (for those of you with little or no English geographical knowledge: Its in Cheshire). After the pleasantries are done with we load them into the van and head to the local PAK’nSAVE to pick up enough groceries to feed the British Army. Not before too long the jet-lag kicks in and Dot and Flash are asleep. I’m not really surprised though as they’ve flown in from Manchester with a twelve hour stopover in Singapore and they only got about three hours kip. I know I’d be knackered; at least we did ours in stages. We head back to the campsite for our final night in Christchurch. We don’t know where we’re going to tomorrow; as far as I can tell we’re going south.

TUESDAY 12TH MAY

Apparently we not going anywhere fast. The van’s got a leak somewhere so we’ve had to take it back. The people at the hire place were very apologetic and gave us a car for the day for our troubles while they fixed our van.With only a car that we have to return today we head off east to Lyttleton. Lyttleton is a little town just outside Christchurch that gives you spectacular views of Christchurch harbour from the top of a hill. We were only there about two hours and then the phone rang: our van was ready and waiting to be picked up so we could head on with our trip. Having picked up our van we headed back east to Akoroa, a little town famous for its French influences and it’s also home to the world’s smallest dolphin: Hector’s Dolphin. For some reason our map doesn’t show difference in altitude very clearly, so it took us over two hours to go sixty or so miles (note to self: purchase new map). This meant we got there and it was dark. All we could do under the circumstances was sit about and play board games. Not for too long mind as Flash and Dot, still jet-lagged, were asleep by 21:00p.m.

WEDNESDAY 13TH MAY

We managed not to get clamped for staying in a car park, so that was a good start to the day. Louise, Dot and Flash ‘Arry are off to swim with Hector’s dolphins today. I’m not really in to all that, and seeing as I don’t have a terminal illness, I don’t think I deserve to swim with dolphins. While the three stooges were out with flipper I just bummed around the town for a bit. Apart from the dolphin swimming, there isn’t much to see. There is quite a big French influence about the place. There would have been more had they bothered to stop eating horses for long enough to realise that the British had sneaked in under cover of darkness and declared New Zealand a British colony. Sadly they were still eating Red Rum’s knackers. Later on in the day we drove to Ashburton and parked up for the night. More board games ensued and then like good grownups we went to bed early.

Dot Com And Flash Harry (11-13/05/09)

2009-06-16T05:14:00.000+01:00

Have You Ever Seen The Rain? (8-10/05/09)

2009-06-16T05:11:00.001+01:00

FRIDAY 8TH MAY

Today involved lots of rain and wind, and lots of it. It didn’t let up until we went to watch the rugby at 19:00p.m. The game wasn’t the best 15-a-side game I’ve ever seen and the atmosphere was almost non-existent due to one side of the stadium being under construction for the 2011 World Cup, and the Queensland Reds putting almost an entire U23’s side out. You can’t fault the Canterbury Crusaders for going about their business in an orderly fashion as they can only beat the side that’s put out in front of them, which they did 40-12.Oh yeah, there’s an ex army reservist shooting people in Napier. The crazy fucker’s already killed one police officer.

SATURDAY 9TH MAY

Today was wash day so nothing much to say. The rain didn’t ease up all through last night and most of the day. Outside our van was like The Somme, and that was the concrete part!At night had a curry and watched a film. That’s pretty much what I do on a damp Saturday night back at home.By the way that poor copper’s still lying dead on the tarmac 36 hours after he was shot. And the gunman’s still holed up in his house with an arsenal of weapons.

SUNDAY 10TH MAY

The rain still hasn’t eased up, and Louise and I are bored so we head of to the relative warmth of the City’s casino. We were only supposed to go for lunch, but we ended up spending a couple of hundred dollars on the roulette wheel. To top it off the ATM shorted me NZ$20 as well. While we inside it pissed down a bit more, so at least we weren’t getting wet.On the way back to the campsite, while waiting for a bus, I witnessed the least inconspicuous drug deal ever, you know the type, three people who barely know each other all go outside together for two minutes and when they return they all sit apart trying to ignore one another. I also met the rudest bus driver in the world, who rather than say pardon just shouted ‘WHAT?’ at the top of his voice. Ignorance and bad manners, two things I still can’t abide. That Napier siege is over. One copper dead, two injured, one civilian injured and the gunman did everyone a favour and shot himself.

Have You Ever Seen The Rain? (8-10/05/09)

2009-06-16T05:11:00.000+01:00

Do Not Feed The Birds (5-7/05/09)

2009-06-16T05:06:00.001+01:00

TUESDAY 5TH MAY

Laura ended up taking a job in the hostel we stayed at so it’s just me and Louise again. We’ve done Greymouth, so we head down to Hokitika: Home of jade in all its forms. We ended up visiting a couple of jade shops, but didn’t buy anything as we’d picked up enough in Kaikoura. We did however go to a glass blowing factory/shop. Have you ever seen it being done? It’s amazing. I ended up buying three pieces, a penguin a whale and a kiwi, just because I was so impressed by it. They could have been the shittiest glass blowers ever, but I thought it was good. We didn’t want to pay for another campsite, so we stayed in the car park of a working men’s club. This was not before asking the police first due to fear of being arrested.

WEDNESDAY 6TH MAY

Today we headed back across the South Island towards Christchurch, where on Monday we pick up Louise’s Mam, Kath( but normally Dot or Dotty because she is a bit), and Brother, Andrew (usually Flash because he ended up doing so in the pub once). We went through Arthurs Pass mountain range, which is stunning, and also stopped off in the town of Arthurs Pass. Here we visited the tiny multi-faith church which has a waterfall at the back of it. You can see it through the church window, which must make the Sunday Service all the more serene. Where we had parked there was a Kea (a native parrot only found in the south island). We spent around half an hour or so feeding it and getting it to take food from our hands. Apparently they are the cleverest birds in the world. I found out after I’d been to the toilet (where I was again confused as to where to stand) that you’re not supposed to feed them as it makes them lazy and they start expecting to be fed, rather than hunting for themselves. Very clever indeed, until you realise they are almost extinct due to they’re cleverness/laziness. To spoil our enjoyable time, along came a busload of Japanese tourists. It must be time to head off. Before we left, we did see the train that comes through the mountains. Because we’re poor we can’t afford to travel on it, and so therefore have to spend a lot of our time driving rather than being driven.

THURSDAY 7TH MAY

The nights are getting colder, or I’m getting older (very poetic), because I thought I’d died in the night it was that bitter. We are in Methven, and this is the nearest town to Mt. Hutt one of the places we’re going to ski. I say ski, Louise is going to ski and I’m going to board, so that should be a laugh. We needed some gear so we headed into town to find a shop that sells the correct apparel. On the way I spotted a man with no shoes on. To me this isn’t normal, but to New Zealanders (William G. Stewart and the clever people at ‘15 to 1’ said people from New Zealand are in fact Enzeders (NZers) not New Zealanders. It sounds a bit stupid so I’m sticking with New Zealanders) it’s not unusual (© Tom Jones) to see people doing this. Well I’ll keep my eyes peeled for shoeless loons. We ended up in the ski shop for about two hours trying to find a set of skis and snow boots to fit our bodies. As cool as all the gear looks, trying it all on is a right royal pain in the arse, and because we are complete amateurs when it comes to snow sports, Lyn the shop owner did well not to kill us. Eventually we got fitted and paid up. Not before finding out that I have size 7½ feet mind. For the last ten years I’ve been living a lie by wearing size 9’s. For a load of second hand stuff in really decent nick it cost less than £300, so I’m definitely not complaining. It would have cost double back home and treble brand new. After our mini shopping spree we headed back to Christchurch, not before a late lunch at the wonderfully picturesque Rakaia river gorge. Back in the van and through the New Zealand countryside once more, we spotted some fighting sheep, which is very funny to watch. We then drove through a village called Windwhistle (I couldn’t hear it) and one called Waddington (zero board games). Before making it back to Christchurch I had to swap places with Louise and let her drive because due to my accident with the toilet roll holder in Australia, I couldn’t see a bloody thing.

Do Not Feed The Birds (5-7/05/09)

2009-06-16T05:06:00.000+01:00

Where Do I Stand? (1-4/05/09)

2009-06-16T05:01:00.001+01:00

FRIDAY 1ST MAY

I awoke with a shitty arsed hangover so had to go to Ngarua Caves feeling like crap. The caves were very interesting and our guide was brilliant telling us about the formation. I did get dripped on quite a lot from the stalactites, but it wasn’t too much so I can’t complain.After the caves it was back down Takaka hill (which was as difficult as going up) and into Richmond for more supplies. I went to the only bakers in the world that didn’t have any bread. With the recession and all, you’d think bakeries would do the utmost to stock what they’re supposed to.Another long drive along the motorway where we eventually stopped at a town called Murchison that appeared to be closed. After a little hunting we found our campsite (it wasn’t hard, it had a big sign outside saying campsite), and settled in for the night. This wasn’t before losing money in the pay showers (that I never got back) and then only just managing to get it working properly before my last 50c ran out.

SATURDAY 2ND MAY

Another cold night and so it was quickly up and showered and into the kitchen for a hearty breakfast before setting off to the west coast, and the town of Westport. Before we got to Westport, we stopped off at Buller Gorge to cross the longest rope bridge in New Zealand (for some inexplicable reason it cost me NZ$5 for the privilege) and then Louise and I did the tandem comet line (120yards long). Unbeknown to me I was in the child seat at the front as the other adult seat was being fixed. I soon realised, when the straps were tightened. The comet line wasn’t all that, but it was over a massive gorge and so therefore sounds a bit daring. After not getting a photo of our daring zip line escapade due to the girl fucking it up, we headed on to Westport.
For some reason, it seems to me that New Zealand is shutting down as Westport is like a ghost town. We don’t really know what to do so we head off further down the coast to Charleston.Charleston turns out to be even worse. I think there may only be twenty people in the whole town. It’s too late to go anywhere, so we hook up in a campsite for the night. A quick one in the pub (it turns out to be very quick as the landlord has all the charm and conversation of a stale piece of brie), and then it’s in the van to watch As Good As It Gets on the only TV channel that we can pick up; it is probably the longest film ever due to all the adverts, and Keanu Reeves inability to act. Mind you Jack Nicholson is ace, he’s just playing himself.

SUNDAY 3RD MAY

Today is a day of waiting around. Laura went off to do some cave based thing, so Louise and I headed back to Westport to wait. Being Sunday, there was even less to do than yesterday, and I thought that would be nigh on impossible. We did manage to get Sunday lunch, which was dispatched with aplomb. And then there was just more waiting. On the way into Westport town from either end there is a sign saying ‘if you want the Swiss Alps go to Queenstown. If you want New Zealand come to Westport,’ and ‘If you want England, go to Christchurch. If you want New Zealand ...................’ Now as far as I’m concerned, the Swiss Alps and England have a lot more to offer than Westport. So far as I can tell, nothing happens on the north part of the West Coast of New Zealand, hopefully this changes.On the way down the coast we stopped off at Punakaiki rock (also known as Pancake Rock due to them looking like stacks of the aforementioned). It was extremely cold, but we managed to see the blow holes at work. Essentially what happens is the sea swirls up so strongly that it forces the water out through holes at the top of the rock. It looks very impressive, but if you want to go make sure it’s high tide, otherwise you’ll miss it. We managed to survive the freezing winds and headed to Greymouth. After a look around the town we parked up in the local supermarket car park and tried to stay warm, as the cold weather’s not relenting.

MONDAY 4TH MAY

We’re becoming experts at surviving the cold (I feel this comment is going to come and bite me on the arse, and one night I will actually freeze to death). Because we’re spending a couple more nights on the road after tonight, we head to a campsite. It ends up being one of the most welcoming places we’ve stopped. The owner, because it’s off-season, lets us have free reign of the hostel as well as the campsite facilities, which is very considerate as it’s not the nicest of days and so we can sit inside in the warm.The evening takes us to Monteith’s brewery where we are given a tour. They show us how the beer’s made, and then it’s off to test them out. I taste seven beers in all, some good, some ok and some are lemon and lime flavoured, which by my rationale equates to a woman’s drink. The latter observation is met with mocking comments from the blokes who are enjoying it a little too much. Because I drank a fair bit I had to go to the toilet. When I got there I was met by three urinals that had been made from beer barrels (metal for sanitary purposes obviously). I must admit, I enjoy comedy toilets. This brings me to another restroom based enquiry. As men know (and probably some women), when you go to the toilet for a number one, sometimes you have individual urinals and sometimes you have a big metal trough. In both cases you know where to stand as its self explanatory. However since being in the colonies they have added a third type to confuse the relatively easy issue of taking a piss (as demonstrated by these pictures below)

Where should you stand?Do you stand on the grill, or do you stand back from it? What happens if you stand on the grill and it breaks?
I only know the answer to the third question. You end up ankle deep in other men’s piss.

Where Do I Stand? (1-4/05/09)

2009-06-16T05:01:00.000+01:00

That's Not A Pint (26-30/4/09)

2009-06-16T04:48:00.001+01:00

SUNDAY 26TH APRIL

Pretty much nothing to say about today. We’ve been on the road for nine days and so we need to do some housekeeping of sorts. By that I mean I’ll sit in the van and fuck about on the computer, while Louise does the washing and makes dinner. Before anybody gets on their high horse about it being sexist that Louise is doing the washing and cooking, let it be known that I’ve let her drive all the time we’ve been away as well.

MONDAY 27TH APRIL

With Laura out and about in Nelson, Louise and I headed for Richmond about 20 mins up the road. When we were there we didn’t find all that much of interest in the town and the hills were covered in mist and fog so that was a no go as well. With all that taken into account, it was off for a bit of shopping and then off to the pub for an hour or so.
When I got in the pub I asked for a pint as you do and the barmaid got me one with a handle on it, a bit like what the old blokes drink out of. When I asked for a different glass i.e. one without a handle, I was read a riot act about how these were the biggest glasses they had, and if I wanted one without a handle then I’d have to have a smaller measure. Jesus, all I want is a drink, not a fucking lecture.
After my dressing down we left Richmond and headed back to the campsite for another night, before heading along the coast tomorrow.

TUESDAY 28TH APRIL

We left Richmond and headed up to the far north-west of the South Island to visit amongst another places: Fairwell Spit and Abel Tasman National Park. It took almost five hours to get to the Spit having spent an age getting up and over Takaka Hill (2600ft/791m) and stopping off at Collingwood (which has a world famous chocolate shop that was unforgivably closed)and Puponga (which had nothing of note).
The spit itself is shaped like a kiwi’s beak and that’s why I wanted to go there. It’s also the most northerly part of the South Island (it’s almost on the same latitude as Palmerston North in the North Island). Because the weather’s a bit crappy you can’t see back over the bay to the town of Puponga which I’m told you can do in the summertime. Louise and I did however walk about a mile along the beach and took in the wildlife and the cold.
After our beach walk we headed to Takaka and spent the night in the car park where we kept ourselves to ourselves because it was hammering it down. Also we are now fearing for our lives over the swine flu outbreak. On the radio for the last two days there has been nothing but talk about how New Zealand has had its first suspected case of swine flu and what’s going to be done about it. It’s obvious to me its bird flu all over again. And so we’re not going to die of a pig based influenza virus, and I think everyone else in the country feels the same way. I’ve noticed that most people have said that it’s all a load of scare-mongering and I couldn’t agree more.

WEDNESDAY 29TH APRIL

After one of the coldest nights so far, Louise and I head to the local Department of Conservation (DOC) office to ask what to do around the Abel Tasman National Park. We are greeted inside the building by Bruce the Performance Artist from Family Guy, who tells us to head to The Grove for what should be a pleasant walk.
We follow Bruce’s directions and end up going the wrong way for twenty minutes (all the thought of men must have confused him). Once we’d sorted out the directional difficulties we made our way to The Grove. The area around The Grove looked as if it had been used in the LOTR somewhere along the line. It only took around forty-five minutes to walk around so we headed up to XXXX waterfall. This was not before we saw a wooden giraffe on the side of the road!
Wainui waterfall was a twenty minute walk along a track and then across a rope bridge that Louise didn’t enjoy, especially when I was jumping up and down on it. The waterfall wasn’t the biggest I’ve seen, but it’s far away enough from anywhere to not be overrun by people; but you can say that about everywhere apart from the big cities here in New Zealand.
On the way to the DOC site we stopped at Wainui Bay, where there is telegraph poles sat in the sea at high tide. It does look a bit odd. At the DOC site there was no-one around so we parked up for the night hoping not to get caught by the ranger.

THURSDAY 30TH APRIL

We ended up getting caught by the Park Ranger, so had to pay NZ$12 each for cold water and no electricity; which was a bit of a joke considering you can get all the mod cons for the same price.
As planned we set off on our walk along the coast of the Abel Tasman National Park, starting at Totarnui Beach which is right next to where we stayed, where you could either walk along the beach or through the forest track (which we did). We then walked through Goats Bay along the beach and then it was again through more forest half way up a cliff where you could see back to Totaranui and forward to Waiharakeke Beach where we were heading next. Along the path there was a fair part that had finally given way after all the use and fell back down to rocks below. After walking along the deserted Waiharakeke beach (apart from two sea-birds and half a dozen tracks in the sand, there was nothing on it), which could without doubt be used in pictures of paradise, we walked through the last section of forest and arrived at Awaroa estuary. The beach can be crossed at low tide, but we didn’t make it then so had to settle for the view, which was by no means a bad thing.
After returning to the van having completed the 7 mile (11km) trek, I had my second cold shower of the day, had a quick feed and packed up and headed back to Takaka. Once back in town it was off to the pub for a few swift ones before retiring to bed.

That's Not A Pint (26-30/4/09)

2009-06-16T04:48:00.000+01:00

The Journey Begins (17-25/05/09)

2009-04-27T00:09:00.001+01:00

NEW ZEALAND STARTS

FRIDAY 17TH APRIL

On landing in Christchurch we zoomed straight through customs no problem, and then it was straight on the phone to the campervan company who came to fetch us without delay.After spending over an hour ironing out the minute details in the contract, we were away. This is it six months living on the road (sometimes literally) in a campervan; that at some point will somehow be sleeping four grown adults. I don’t care, and neither does Louise. It’s gonna be fun as this is what I’ve been looking forward to the most on the entire trip. In the van we have four of each piece of crockery and cutlery: 4 knives, 4 forks, 4 dessert spoons, 4 tea spoons, 4 bowls, 4 cups, 4 beakers and 4 wine glasses. There’s a fridge that you can run off the mains and battery (but not for too long), a microwave (mains only), a grill, two hobs, an electric kettle, a gas kettle (an essential that I will guard with my life because NZ is cold so we’ll need tea and lots of it). There’s a lot of empty space underneath stuff that will soon be filled, no doubt, with tins of food and clothes and stuff. We’ve been given a shed load of blankets and quilts to combat the cold; even the woman at the hire centre said we’re brave doing this in winter. We’ve also got an esky bin that will be used for chilling drinks as the fridge is for food only. Louise and I have also agreed on a ‘no shoes’ policy in the van because it’s so wet, and we’ve also agreed to take the bed down every morning, but we’ll see how long that lasts. The next two hours were spent in the super discount supermarket, buying everything we thought we were going to need for six months on the road (branston pickle, HP sauce). We soon realised that you can’t fit that much in the spaces dotted around the van, so it looks like we’re going to have to buy a lot of food day to day because the fridge only really fits four yoghurts and a block of cheese; and the freezer is none existent. Once we’d finished shopping, we headed off to spend our first night in the van. Being the first night, and not knowing how this campervan lark works, we headed to the nearest campsite to charge the vans’ battery (which we’re going to have to do at least every three days) and fill up with water. These motor-home campsites are pretty good. Most of them have a good kitchen (which saves cooking on the vans stove and using gas), a lounge to relax, decent washrooms and this one had a mini play park for the kids. It was like a mini Butlins without the red-coats. Louise and I settled down after our first meal on the road and thought about what to do and where to go. The answer to that is: as much as possible and every square mile we can.

SATURDAY 18TH APRIL

I woke up bright and early, not because I thought I was eight and it was Christmas day, but because it was fucking freezing. Outside the van there was a frost on the ground and most of the other vans had upped and left (probably gone to their nice warm log fires), so we thought we’d better move as well. As it turned out, we received a message of our friend Laura who we used to work with back in England. We knew she was also in Christchurch and was going to do a bit of touring before settling down to work somewhere (in NZ), but we thought it would be nice to meet up. We paid for another night at the campsite, got showered and went to meet her in the city.Anyone that has been to Christchurch knows that although it is very picturesque it’s not very big. We spent a few hours wandering around the city with Laura finding out what her travels had been like so far and what she was going to do next. After a bit more chat it was decided that we’d all travel the north part of the South Island together. Not only would it be cheaper for everyone but it would also be nice having someone else we knew on board.Because we’d paid for only two people in the van at the campsite, we would have to sneak Laura in under cover of darkness. It wasn’t really an SAS operation, more like keep your head down and if you get seen just play dumb.

SUNDAY 19TH APRIL

Because of our expertise in undercover covert night operations, we managed to foil the couple who owned the campsite and didn’t have to pay for the extra body in the van; which if we can keep up for the next few weeks is going to be a miracle. We’re going to leave Christchurch today and head up the coast as we’ve all got to come back at a later date and there’s no point staying for too long. So off we head north to see what we can find. Our first stop was a little country pub in a village called Leithfield. I love this country. I’ve only been here two days and already I’ve found some things that make New Zealand better than Australia: 1) they have actual, real, full measure pints in pubs, 2) it’s not nearly six quid for one, and 3) the other customers are very chatty and make you feel welcome. After spending an hour talking to a very nice bloke, who had half of his middle finger missing (I didn’t ask why, but he would probably have gone in to details if I had. He was that nice) and finding a couple of places to stop, it was back in the van. We didn’t get too far mind. We stopped at Waikuku beach and had a game of Frisbee. That doesn’t seem an unusual thing to happen at a beach, but remember it’s probably only about 40F (4.5C) and we’ve all got coats on. On the way back to the van we got a rubber ball out to throw around. Within two minutes I’d managed to put it through one of the fridge vents on the side of the van. I barely threw it, and it bounced first so it couldn’t have been that sturdy in the first place. Now I’m glad we paid the excess on the insurance. After being shouted at by Louise for my actions, we got in the van and headed towards Hamner Springs.Hamner Springs is a proper old fashioned tourist trap. People come from all over the world to bathe in the world famous thermal pools, and we’re no different. First though we have to fend for ourselves tonight and sleep in a lay-by and cook in the van. Then tomorrow we’re going to sit in a warm pool outside, and probably in the rain.

MONDAY 20TH APRIL

The lay-by we stopped in was that good four other vans parked there; we thought we were going to get moved on by the police but obviously not. As I thought it’s raining, but we’re only coming here for the day so as planned it’s off to the pools. It’s only NZ$14 (£5.60) to get in so that’s another one that New Zealand’s up on Oz. After getting changed and showering (?) we head to the thermals. I don’t really know what to expect but I go in and it’s very pleasant if a little cold. I then realise that this is just an outside pool and the thermal pools are the smaller ones dotted around the place. After that misjudgement I just follow Louise and Laura like any other bloke who’s out of his depth (almost literally) at this sort of thing. A few of the pools are just the right temperature so we relax in them for a fair while and then someone suggests we go to the 41C (105F) pool. Before I got there all I could smell was rotten eggs; I know I haven’t farted and I don’t believe the girls could have done it, so what is it? It’s the hot pool. All of the cooler ones just smell like mild sulphur; a similar smell to a lit match, but this one absolutely hums. I go and sit in it and try to relax, but I can’t. The smell is overwhelming. If I’d have made that smell at school as a thirteen year old, I’d have been infamous throughout schoolboy folklore. People would talk about me like I was a god; they’d say things like ‘Well I heard it was so bad, it set the fire alarms off in the office block down the street,’ and ‘Well I heard two teachers had to retire because of it.’ But this was a smelly little hot pool. I couldn’t handle more than two minutes. I’d had enough. I’d been defeated by the rotten pungent smell of a thermal pool. If that wasn’t bad enough, there were middle aged women lapping it up, loving every minute of it. They probably thought it had magical powers like the key to eternal youth or something. Not too long after I got out and went for a shower, and waited for Louise and Laura to appear out of the fog.After a quick feed we’re back on the road again. The next destination is Kaikoura, home of lots of whales. So many in fact it is known as the ‘Whale Highway.’ That’s not the only thing you can see here, there are plenty of seals and dolphins too. After stopping on a bridge in the middle of nowhere, where we took some pretty cool photos of the mountains, we just drove and drove. It took quite a while as nearly every road in New Zealand is uphill! We finally made it to Kaikoura with less than a quarter of a gallon of petrol in the tank after being ‘on the red’ for almost an hour. After a quick look around (where we saw very little as it was pitch black) it was off to a campsite to charge up the van battery and get warm as New Zealand is still cold.

TUESDAY 21ST APRIL

Woke up this morning and there’s snow on the mountains already! We’ve only been here four days, so it bodes well for later on in the year when we go skiing. Today we’re planning on going whale watching. The odds are pretty slim though as we’ve heard that there haven’t been any trips for three days due to bad weather and lack of whales; which is pretty important when you go whale watching. All we can do is sit and hope for the whales to come within range. In the meantime I have to go and see the quack because my eyes are playing up something chronic. I went to try and get in at the local GP, and it was going to cost me NZ$100 (£40) just for a consultation. After pleading with the receptionist to let me see the doctor to give me a script for what I needed, and being refused, I left. This was not before being lectured about what was more important, my eyes or NZ$100. After replying NZ$100, simply because my script would only cost me NZ$15 (£6). I headed to see the pharmacist (named Rob Roy, honestly) who gave me the medication I was after with a nod and a wink. I don’t see what all the fuss was about. I was hardly after a litre of methadone! As predicted the whale watch was cancelled so we headed to the seal colony instead. Here we got as close as we could to the seals. Some of them were relaxing, asleep in the bushes or on the rocks. And some were playing to the cameras, as if it was all a game. Louise did get too close to one at one point, and it let her know by trying to attack her in the half-arsed, half asleep way that seals sometimes move.In the evening we went and had fish and chips (frozen chips the only minus), and then headed to the pub for a friendly quiz. We didn’t win, but did get some cheap beer. One of the rounds was on ANZAC day, and this was met with an embarrassingly high amount of people asking “What’s ANZAC day?” Even though they were not New Zealanders or Australians it’s a sad state of affairs when you’re in another country and you don’t have any idea what’s going on around you.

WEDNESDAY 22ND APRIL

We arrived at the whale watching place bright and early in the hope that we would be able to go out today. No sooner had we arrived and our names were being called for the first trip out.After watching the safety video, we headed for the bus to take us down to the quay. Our boat for today was called Te Ao Tamara, which means something in Maori, but because I didn’t listen I therefore have no idea what it means. Once we were all safely aboard away we went, the eleven or so nautical miles out into the South Pacific Ocean. When you head off the coast of New Zealand the land ridge comes to a halt around half a mile out to sea, and then all of a sudden drops from 800m (½ mile) to 2000m (1¼ miles). We stopped in the middle of the ocean and waited patiently for a whale to appear. Whilst waiting we spotted a few albatrosses and other seabirds and then all of a sudden he arrived. He being the massive sperm whale. I say massive and I’m right. At 40ft he could definitely be classed as massive. He spent around twenty minutes on the surface getting ready for his next dive. I got a couple of pictures but they weren’t very good until he dived. On the way down sperm whales arch so you can’t miss the best picture you’re likely to get. That is the one of its tail just before he disappears again for the next few hours.After arriving back on shore we decided the best thing would be to have one last look around the town and then head off along the coast and find somewhere to camp for the night. We drove for an hour or so and pulled up in the first lay-by we could find that had a toilet. A few games of travel yahtzee and then it was bed.

THURSDAY 23RD APRIL

After waking up unbelievably late (10:00a.m), we got ourselves sorted and headed along the motorway. On the way we stopped off at the Montana vineyards, one of hundreds around the Marlborough and Nelson area. I still don’t like wine, but Louise does so we stopped for some freebies.About an hour further up the road we arrived at Blenheim a quaint little town that we didn’t really stop at very long, which was a shame really as what we saw was nice. Following the brief stop off in Blenheim we headed towards Picton, the home of the ferry to the Wellington and the rest of the North Island. It took us almost three hours in our speed demon van; it’s an automatic so it takes an age to get up to speed, and when we arrived it was dark. When we arrived at the campsite we decided to put the awning up and see what it looks like. With this up you can easily sleep six people; the only problem is the back door is open so it lets in the cold a bit. We thought we’d try it for tonight and see what happens. Who knows we might die of hyperthermia.

FRIDAY 24TH APRIL

Hurray! We survived the cold and didn’t turn blue in the night, so as a reward we headed off in to town to see what we could do to pass the day. There was a nice walk that we thought we might try called ‘The Snout.’The walk takes around 3 hours and as it was only midday, and was pretty overcast, we layered up and set off. After around twenty minutes of walking the layers came off and the water was being drunk. The walk was really nice (although uphill for the first hour) and while we were stopping we saw some spectacular views of Queen Charlotte Sounds. Here there are some equally spectacular walks that we could do. However as it’s quite costly to get out there we’re not going to do it. When we got to the end of the snout (where incidentally two Japanese divers drowned in 1993) you can admire the whole of the area again, but this time from sea level. When you get to the beach there are thousands upon thousands of mussels just waiting to be picked. I also saw a seal just grazing or whatever they do on a rock about eight feet up. How it got up there God only knows.On the way back we managed to go up as many inclines as we did on the way here. I swear it doesn’t matter which way you go, it’s up!Back in town we bummed around a bit and went to the pub for a couple of drinks. Then we went to back to the car park and settled down for the night. Although you’re not supposed to camp in the car parks, we double checked with the parking attendant who said not to worry as long as there’s a ticket in the window we wouldn’t get bothered.

SATURDAY 25TH APRIL (ANZAC DAY)

Today is ANZAC day so there is a parade and service, as there has been for the last ninety odd years. The thing is it’s at 06:00a.m so you have to be up and ready. Louise and I just made it in time. We watched the service which was held outside at the towns’ cenotaph. There were over 150 current and ex-servicemen there and a few hundred members of the public there to show their gratitude to the deceased who gave their lives. After one last look around the town, where I bought an old map of New Zealand, we set off to Havelock, ‘The Green Shelled Mussel Capital of the World’. The roads were all along mountain sides and give you great views of Picton harbour. We stopped in Havelock where we met a nice Maori fella and his Scottish wife (I don’t know why but there seem to be a lot of Scots here) who told us where to go and stay in Nelson. Louise had some of the world famous mussels and I had chicken as I don’t like mussels all that much. After the feed we headed to Nelson. We were told it’s only 45 mins away by car, but it’s raining and we’ve got our F1 van! It took us almost two hours in the dark, plus it was torrential conditions outside. We spent an hour driving around the town before finding a suitable place to park up for the night. And it kept on raining.

The Journey Begins (17-25/05/09)

2009-04-27T00:09:00.000+01:00

The Last Few Days (14-17/4/09)

2009-04-22T04:20:00.002+01:00

TUESDAY 14TH APRIL

It’s our last day in Taree so most of it was spent deciding when and what to pack. Most of the trip we’ve carried around far too much far too often. With that in mind we’ve decided to scale down and get rid of the crap. We did go out for a little while and I purchased another pair of jeans; today is officially the last day I’m going to wear crap clothes. I’ve got two days in Sydney, and then it’s on to New Zealand; where I will be wearing proper clothes as it’s supposedly already freezing cold and it’s only mid April. There’s not much else to say about today as we didn’t really do a lot else apart from wait for our bus to Sydney, which is at 00:55a.m Wednesday morning.When the time came Kel gave us a lift to the bus station around midnight as the bus could arrive at any time. When we went to Port Macquarie it was an hour and a half late, so we’re not taking any chances. As it turned out the bus was 25 minutes late, so all in all, we waited an hour and a half for the bus; and the driver almost left us as he told us our bus would be along in twenty minutes. It wasn’t until we made him check that he realised we were on his bus. As soon as we were on the bus we were both gone. I think it must be all the waiting around that does it.

WEDNESDAY 15TH APRIL

We arrived in Sydney at 06:30, picked up our bags (of which there are still too many even after the clearout) and headed to King’s Cross where we’re meeting Louise’s cousin Jenny, who’s come to meet us while she’s in the country.After an argument with the twat on reception, we got into our room (a private one as well. Somehow it was cheaper than a dorm), showered and waited for Jenny.We waited and waited, and still no sign. There is a complimentary bus from the airport to our hostel so when she landed all she has to do is call and they pick her up. After about four phone calls and two hours of waiting, Jenny finally turned up. It turned out she had been waiting in the wrong place making it pretty difficult for the driver to find her. Talk about needle in a haystack; Sydney airport’s hardly small.It was a nice day so we just went walkabout. We spent a little time at Bondi beach; I still don’t really see what the big attraction is; it’s got sand and sea and surf. So what so have a thousand other beaches and they’re not in rip-offville Australia.It’s just come to my attention, that having been in Australia almost nine weeks, I still haven’t stepped foot in the sea. Oh well, I’m not much of a swimmer anyway. Because I had a crappy sleep on the bus I fell asleep at 18:00p.m. It didn’t really matter though as tomorrows the action-packed day.

THURSDAY 16TH APRIL

Today is our last day in Sydney so I’m going to climb the Harbour bridge. Louise has done it before, so Jenny’s coming with me instead. We arrive at 09:00a.m bright and early, ready to conquer something that has been conquered over two million times previously. It’s an expensive activity to partake at almost AU$200, but it’s something you should do, just to say you’ve done it. When it’s your groups turn, a guide takes you into the change rooms and there you have to don a massive set of overalls . After ten minutes of fretting that you look like a giant baby, you regain your poise when you step outside and realise everyone else looks the same; it even suits some of them, worse still you can see that some of them are disturbingly comfortable in their new garb. When I finished reeling in shock we then had to go through a load of safety gubbins (that includes being told the only personal stuff you’re allowed to take are glasses/sunglasses) before we were to undertake our ascent, but I suppose that’s the culture we’re in. After almost an hour of being told we’re not going to die, we finally set off. We have a few bits of scaffolding (from the bridge itself not builders, although they are currently working on it) to negotiate and then we’re on to the main part of the bridge looking at Sydney and the harbour in every direction. It’s a pretty special sight. Some of the things I expected to see, such as the opera house (obviously) I saw. But there was plenty that I didn’t expect to see, such as the ANZAC bridge that was clearly visible down the Parramatta river. Our guide explained everything we saw through our Navy SEAL headsets. There’s also the cheesy stuff you have to do i.e. the posing with the rest of your group, but it’s all good fun.When you get back to the main building you get to see all the photographs that the guide took; most of them are really bad. You feel obliged to buy at least one though (for proof more than anything) as the group one you get free has people on it that you don’t really know. After our bridge climb, we head to the opera house for the second time to get a few more photos. While we’re there, there is a group of young musicians singing and doing hand movements to some song that I had never heard or want to hear again. I think I’ll die of embarrassment on the spot if I do. In the evening we went on a trip up the river to visit the aquarium. Although I’m not a big fan of the sea in terms of swimming, I am fascinated by everything that lives in it. We spent almost three hours strolling around. I could have spent longer gawping at the marine life, but the girls were about ready so I thought it best to leave.We grabbed our last meal together and then headed for the hostel. We’ve all got long days tomorrow, so it’s a few light ales then bed.

FRIDAY 17TH APRIL

Jenny woke me up at around 05:30a.m to say goodbye to me and Louise. All I could respond with was mmmaarhghgh, which as far as I’m concerned is ‘farewell and have a safe journey.’ Louise and I were soon up and out on our way to Sydney airport for the final time.At the airport there was a huge queue for check-in; we both forgot that international departures give you three hours to check in, not two. When we made it to the desk we were informed that our brilliant tour operator had not issued us a ticket for the next leg of the journey so we couldn’t get on the plane to Christchurch. If it hadn’t been for the wonderfully helpful woman at the desk we could have been stranded in the airport for who knows how long.New Zealand airlines are a brilliant airline to fly with; we were flying on the relatively new airbus, so that made a big difference. On the plane, as well as the surprisingly good food, you get to watch one of about 100 different shows or films. I opted to watch ‘The Last Waltz,’ the Martin Scorsese film about The Band’s (Bob Dylan’s backing band after he went electric) final live performance. It’s a must for anyone who has any musical taste of any degree.

You Can't Use Eggs (7-13/4/09)

2009-04-14T02:43:00.004+01:00

TUESDAY 7TH APRIL

I think today is the only day so far on my trip that I don’t have anything of any note to write about. The only thing I did all day was to go to the local Bi-Lo and buy a ready cooked chicken for Kel, a pint of chocolate milk and a copy of the Australian edition of Zoo magazine. Shannon is feeling better today; although the stitches are still a bit sore.

WEDNESDAY 8TH APRIL

Today with Kel at work and Mackenzie at day care, Louise, Shannon and myself go to a little town on the coast called Forster. It looks to me like a little bit like second-home town for the rich. There are hundreds of luxury flats all along the beach front; most of them look like they’re empty for about 10 months of the year. We park up by the beach and just watch the ocean. I can see why people would want a second home here; the beach is exquisite and the sea is as clear as any I’ve ever seen. I even see a dolphin just swimming along, surfacing every so often patrolling for sharks. The girls go for a pub lunch and I have a couple of pints. This is actually only the second time I’ve had a pint in a pub in Australia (Once was in the RSL in Wynyard. Another time in Adelaide the barmaid swore that a 15oz glass was a pint. I told her it might be in Australia and America, but its 20ozs in England. No wonder neither of them can drink properly.). It shows as well as I get it in what the old fellas back home would call a ‘jug’ equipped with a handle. I feel like I’m in an episode of The Sweeney.

THURSDAY 9TH APRIL

For some reason I got up at 04:30a.m to watch Liverpool get outclassed by Chelsea. At half time during the ads I decided to have a look what is on terrestrial TV in Australia at this ungodly hour. What I stumbled across was a TV Evangelist named Benny Hinn (perhaps after all it’s not an ungodly hour). Now I’m not into TV Evangelism but this guy was as rubbish as the rest of them. If you sped the tape up and put on the Benny Hill music, then maybe I’d have bought a ticket to one of his seminars.Today Shannon told us that we’d been invited to go going camping for two nights from tomorrow at a farm about 30 minutes away. Louise and I aren’t bothered as Shannon and Kel said that there won’t be much happening as it’s a holiday weekend. It’s all agreed so now we have to go shopping for food and beer. I hate shopping.Oh my Lord. I hate grocery shopping at the best of times and today’s no different as it’s Easter weekend starting tomorrow. The local supermarket is absolutely chock-a-block. I don’t think I’ve ever a seen this many people in such a small place. People are just wandering around aimlessly, it’s a haphazard mess. People are like sheep when it comes to holiday shopping; all they do is follow the crowd and bleat. Hundreds of people are banging trolleys into each other, putting anything and everything into their carts. Then there’s the old people. All they want is a tin of condensed milk, a tin of cat food and a bag of wine gums but they still use what seems like a supersized trolley and they can’t see more than three feet in front of themselves. Somehow these 4ft 8in 70yr olds have the power of a second row forward when they have a shopping trolley under their control, so when they inevitably run into you, you end up like them, in need of a hip replacement. I’d like to say that it’s any different back home but it’s not; it’s exactly the same but at Christmas time when the shops are closed for two days. Here however the supermarket’s not even closed for the whole weekend; it’s only closed for one day on Good Friday.I still hate shopping

FRIDAY 10TH APRIL (GOOD FRIDAY)

Having got up at 08:00a.m, I’m raring to go, I’m like a kid when it comes to camping. We pack the car up and wait for the rest of the group; Shannon’s brother Aaron and his girlfriend Sarah. When they turn up they also bring Shannon and Aaron’s younger brother Jye (pronounced like the gi in gigantic), who is affectionately known by the family as Red, due to his bright ginger hair. We get to the campsite and there are already a few people there that Kel and Shannon know, so we all get acquainted.Due to going to the Glastonbury Festival for the last two years (I’m not going this year and I’m pissed because it’s being headlined by Springsteen and Neil Young), Louise and I are experts at putting up tents in the shitiest of conditions. Because it’s dry and sunny we have the tent and the inflatable mattress up in less than fifteen minutes. Good job all round. Meanwhile Aaron and Sarah put their tent up wrong at the first attempt; they make a schoolboy error and don’t put the cross poles in first, the result is a collapsed mess of poles and fabric. Kel and Shannon are worse still. They have an eight man tent with about six thousand compartments. After a lot of shouting and arm waving the rest of us give them a hand the tent is up in ten minutes. It’s not really an eight man, it’s closer to six, and there are four very spacious compartments. As we put up our tent first, I reward myself with a crate of Toohey’s New; which I consumed forthwith. In between drinks we manage to drag ourselves away from the campsite and go tramping around the fields. I manage to lose a flip-flop (for some reason Aussies call them thongs) as soon as I step into the stream; this gives me another reason why I shouldn’t be wearing them. Our ‘tour guide’ for the mini expedition is Kylie (yes, really) and she retrieved my thong that had floated 50 yards downstream.We go back to the campsite and apart from eating 15 prawns I don’t remember much else. Apparently I drank all bar one of the twenty four bottles of beer I had and one can of rum and coke. Then I proceeded to sing Born To Run word for word (with air drums) before throwing up said prawns, and collapsing in bed.

SATURDAY 11TH APRIL

Woke up with a head as thick as a hotel heiress so Louise went out for two hours without me. In the mean time it took me until I almost baked to death inside the tent before I moved (out of interest, why are tents freezing in winter and like an industrial oven in the summer?). After showering and having the best hangover food ever (two bacon and egg baps), I waited for Louise and the rest of the gang to return where I was told of last night’s escapades. After sweating a bit more a group of us headed to Ellenburgh Falls which is in fact the biggest waterfall in the southern hemisphere. When we arrived we bumped into the obligatory group of Japanese tourists; one of whom was carrying a steamer full of cooked rice, and then went for a look. The top of the falls was only cordoned off in 2000 due to a young boy getting caught in the current and falling to his death. Before that happened you were free to swim at the top which to me seems a pretty dangerous thing to do. After a short walk, we had the choice to go to the bottom of the falls (a mere 645 steps) or walk 400yds to the opposite side to get a view of the falls in all its glory. We did the latter as none of us were in any mood for lunch time step class. A quick stop at the viewing point and a few photographs later, we get back in the car and drive the 10 miles back (over bumpy gravel roads just to make my guts churn a bit more) to the campsite.Back at the site I just sit feeling sorry for myself and have eat loads of stodge to try and get rid of the last remnants of my hangover.Before long I feel well enough to drink again. But it turns out to be a false dawn as after three bottles I get nauseas and give in; I stick to soft drinks and tea for the rest of the night. For some reason my hangovers are lasting well into the next day. I think I’m past my optimum drinking age and ability at a mere 28 years of age.

SUNDAY 12TH APRIL

Today is Easter Sunday and it’s supposed to represent the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Back in the UK however, it’s a day for giving each other chocolate eggs. And being British I am no exception and I give Louise one (an egg) and she gives me one (also an egg). Somewhere along the line they say it’s intended to represent spring time and the dawn of new life i.e. the birth of chicks or other egg hatching based animals. How is it then, in Australia they have the same tradition? Over here on this very day we’re in bloody autumn not spring; surely kids here should wake up to a load of sludgy brown leaves that have been left by the Easter Sheep (or a more apt autumnal based animal that I can’t think of right now: what about a stoat?).I don’t know I’m just rambling. Never mind, I’ve got to pack up my tent now and see what’s within the four kinder surprises’ that I’ve been left by the Easter Stoat.

MONDAY 13TH APRIL

After the five of us cabbaged out yesterday afternoon, we thought we’d go and do something a little more constructive today. With that thought in mind we headed for Taree to see what the bright lights of the small to mid-sized town had to offer.As it happened only the supermarkets were open due to it being holiday Monday so I spent a couple of hours wandering like a lost soul. However, I did manage to pick up a live DVD of ‘The Highwaymen’ for only AU$10, which I thought was a bargain.Louise treated us to some of her delightful cooking for tea and cooked roast pork with all the extras. It was amazing; it’s the first time in over six months since I’ve had a genuine roast dinner. We even had Yorkshire pudding and stuffing; pure ecstasy on a plate.
After dinner we sat a watched a show called ‘The Biggest Loser.’ Although it sounds like it, it’s not a show where a bunch of sci-fi nerds sit and discuss what the new Star Trek film is going to be like. In fact it’s a show where really fat people (by really fat I mean clinically obese) go on TV to try and lose the most weight. Essentially what it boils down to is, we the happily fat people sit and watch unhappy fat people on TV exercise just enough to be at a reasonable weight. Because they then lose the entire weight of a 13 year old girl, they then think they have the right to then bore us to death with the story of their ‘journey’ from being a fatty to a not so fatty whilst crying about how proud their equally fat partners/parents are of their achievements. What they should do is not exercise; they should put them in a blueberry pie eating contest and whoever throws up first is ‘The Biggest Loser.’ For a start it would be more entertaining and I wouldn’t want to kick the TV in every time I see the smug presenters face. To keep it fresh they should change the pie flavour every week, and if they want to go out on a limb, maybe they should make a strawberry flan for the really special occasions.

Can You Believe They Do It For Fun? (01-06/4/09)

2009-04-14T02:17:00.004+01:00

WEDNESDAY 1ST APRIL

We’re leaving Brisbane today and going south to Coffs Harbour for a few days. Firstly though, we have a nine hour bus journey to contend with. Bus journeys do my head in more than I could possibly moan about. This was no different. I read a whole book from cover to cover, listened to the rain and a bit of I-pod and then heard the brilliant news over the radio: Coffs Harbour has had its worst rain in years and the entire town is flooded. This was no April fool’s joke. Wonderful. With this in mind we made the decision to stay on the bus and head to see our friends in Port Macquarie. The driver on the bus didn’t have a problem with us doing so, so that was that, another three hours on the bus.When we realised we were nearly at Port, we got our things ready and waited to get off. We passed the exit and thought nothing of it; surely there would be another one further on up the road. Five minutes passed and we still hadn’t turned off so Louise went to ask the driver when we’d be getting into town. Apparently the previous bus driver had told him no one was getting off at Port Macquarie so he was OK to go straight on to Sydney because they were an hour behind schedule. After we explained the situation, and he’d driven another fifteen minutes down the road, the bus turned around and headed back to Port Macquarie.We finally made it to the coach stop and were met by our friend Tony and his wife Rochelle (who was waiting in the car in her pyjamas as it was 01:15a.m). They took us to their house and then Louise, Tony and I sat up until 05:00a.m drinking and catching up.

THURSDAY 2ND APRIL

We awoke at lunch time to an empty house; no surprises there I suppose Tony and Rochelle both had to work. We got ourselves ready and walked out of the house, looked at each other and realised we didn’t know where we were or which way we should go to get into town. After wandering aimlessly for twenty minutes we stumbled upon the first sign of life we’d seen to ask directions (Port Macquarie has a population of around 60 000, so how did it take us twenty minutes to find signs of life?), an old woman who was either deaf as a post or stupid. I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she was deaf. She eventually explained to us where we supposed to go; it was another 25 minutes to town so no bother.We eventually met up with Tony around tea time and had a couple of drinks at an expensive wine bar, before Rochelle turned up and we went for a meal at a Mexican restaurant. By the time we’d finished eating Tony was a bit worse for wear; I’m not one to judge when it comes to getting pissed as I’m as big a culprit as anyone.

FRIDAY 3RD APRIL

Tony had a thick head all day, and Louise and I couldn’t be bothered and Rochelle was at work, so the three of us we ended up staying in all day watching The Sopranos and slobbing. It rained pretty much all day anyway.

SATURDAY 4TH APRIL

After wasting away in front of the TV yesterday, we went to town to get some money for a night out. It turned out the bank had refused to put through a bank transfer that I wanted to put in Louise’s bank account. It took me two hours to sort it out and I’ve still got to wait until tomorrow to see if it’s sorted. Meanwhile, Louise’s withdrawal limit had been reduced to £30 a day for some reason. Now we’ve only got about AU$20 between us and no money available to withdraw. It wouldn’t usually be a problem, but it’s Saturday and this has happened before. After talking to the most unhelpful people at the call centre and having had to borrow money of Louise’s mum because the bank won’t let us withdraw our own money; it’s not on credit it’s my money! There was another torrential downpour just as we were about to head out for the night, so we got a taxi into town. I got piss wet through walking to the cab, and when I got out I trod in a puddle that was about six inches deep; soaking the first pair of jeans I’ve worn in over six months.After a few drinks in the warm-up pubs we headed to the local night club. This is the only night club I’ve been in all of Australia that doesn’t bother with ID as it’s full of kids. There was also a limit to the amount of drinks you can buy in one go to three. So because there was four of us in the group two of us had to go to the bar to get four drinks!

SUNDAY 5TH APRIL

In Port Macquarie today there is an ‘Ironman Triathlon’ going on. It starts at 06:00a.m and you have until 23:00p.m to complete it. It involves a 3.8km (2.4miles) swim in the sea, a 180km (112.5miles) cycle and a 42.2km (26miles 385yds: a marathon) run. The people that are doing this are not Olympic athletes; they’re just normal fitness fanatics who want to do it! Shit, if I had to do this I’d need a month!While the tri-athletes were swimming, cycling and running the four of us went for a drive. At home if you go for a drive you probably only go twenty miles up the road. This is Australia though and you have to drive about 5o miles to get to another town. We went to Crescent Heads; I can’t remember where it is but I do remember there’s a big cliff. On the ocean side, it looks a little bit like the Giants Causeway in Northern Ireland. We also went somewhere else and had expensive fish and chips. I don’t remember the name of the town, but on the way through the countryside I saw a lot of cows, sheep and horses. One of the horses must have thought he was in fancy dress as he looked like the equine Zorro. Not much doing in the evening. We watched a bit of the triathlon. It was 18:00p.m and there was still one cyclist out. Afterwards we watched Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler.’ It’s pretty good; the soundtrack makes the film so much better as it’s all rock music. What else could you have on the soundtrack of a wrestling film? It wouldn’t work with jazz music would it?

MONDAY 6TH APRIL

It’s our final day in Port Macquarie before we head inland a bit to Taree. First of all we have a few errands to run. The bank is still fucking us about so we’ve got them to sort out. While we’re on the mooch in town, we see a hell of a lot of people who look like they’ve just done an ‘Ironman’ contest. If I’m not mistaken the ones in spandex leggings with shorts over the top (a la a half arsed Superman) probably have done, but the others I think are just OAP’s (Senior Citizens). After we bid farewell to Rochelle and Tony we wait on our new chauffeur Kel who arrives around 14:30p.m with Mackenzie his young daughter, but without his wife Shannon who is in hospital for the day.We head to Taree, which is about 50 miles away; it took us over an hour because there was a load of fucking road works. So contrary to popular belief, it’s not just England that has them everywhere.We arrive at our home for the next week in Wingham; not Taree as I thought (although it is the next town), and settle in to our new room. It’s got a real bed which is a bonus as Tony and Rochelle only had and airbed that didn’t pump up fully. Due to bad posture in my sleep I snored like a tractor and Louise didn’t sleep properly for the entire time we stayed.Later on in the day Kel went to pick up Shannon from the hospital. She’s a little bit tender and quite groggy, and in her own words ‘feels like utter shit.’

Have You Ever Seen One Of These? (29-31/3/09)

2009-04-14T02:11:00.004+01:00

SUNDAY 29TH MARCH

Today we say our goodbyes to Jo, Kev, Juppi, Max and the rest of Winton. It’s been better than I expected out here. I thought it would just be full of Aussie rednecks when I first arrived. We have an afternoon flight from Longreach at 16:15p.m. Because there isn’t a bus on Sundays, Jo is giving us a lift. On the way in I didn’t really look at the scenery, as I was too engrossed in a book. On the return journey I wish I had something to read. All we saw were green fields (as opposed to the usually brown ones due to the flooding) two emus and a greyhound bus. Driving anywhere in the outback you really don’t see much. No wonder crazy truck drivers kill backpackers; they need something to do to pass the time. We arrived at Longreach for our flight and said one last goodbye to Jo and Juppi. Whilst waiting for the plane we saw six young Aboriginal lads who looked like they’d just been to a gay cowboy fancy dress party, the rules must have stipulated that you must dress exactly the same as at least one other Aboriginal gay cowboy, because all of them looked the same. There wasn’t much to say about the flight to Brisbane itself. I was still terrified as usual. However on check-in the lady at the desk didn’t even weigh our bags. As I’ve said before they’re mainly there just to piss me off. This lady should hold seminars for check-in staff on ‘How Not To Be A Cunt To Every Passenger You Speak To.’When we got into Brisbane city, Louise forgot which way it was to the hostel. After nagging at me for not knowing either, we did the right thing and rang up. When we made it there (it was turn right out of the transit station then take the second street on the right), there was no one at reception. Because of this we ended up talking to a woman who wasn’t even in the city via an intercom that works about as well as one at a drive-thru (sic) restaurant. After getting a whopper, three buckets of chicken and six litres of cola we were finally let in by said mystery woman. I entered the ‘security’ code into the safe (I bet you can’t guess the six digit code). We retrieved our key and finally made it to the room, still unsure as to how a woman somewhere in the middle of Australia was able to let us in with just an intercom.

MONDAY 30TH MARCH

Today we went to visit Australia Zoo, home of the famous ‘Crocodile Hunter’ Steve Irwin. On the way in to the zoo, our driver explained how Steve’s 11 year old daughter is now a star in her own right. If you watch the show she presents it is unimaginably awful in every way. It all looks false and I can’t see it being of any benefit to anyone other than the people at the top of the heap. People should be made accountable but I’m not in any position to pass judgement as she’s not my child.It was an OK day out, but I’ve been to better zoos; London Zoo for starters. And the six hours we spent there was too long. I suppose it would be different if we had children as there was plenty to keep them entertained, but for adults it’s a little disappointing; the croc feed especially so as it only lasted a couple of minutes. When you spend a fair amount of money for the privilege you expect to be entertained more.

TUESDAY 31ST MARCH

Today we checked out the city again; I didn’t have the gut ache this time so I was a bit more comfortable. Although Brisbane is a capital city, nobody lives here or so it seems. There are some of the biggest buildings in Australia in the CBD and most of them can only be half full because when you wander around during rush hour, you don’t see that many people. All in all it was a pretty non-eventful day and I’ve had a few too many lately.

It's Where Waltzing Matilda's From (21-28/3/09)

2009-04-14T02:03:00.004+01:00

SATURDAY 21ST MARCH

03:50a.m: Alarm goes
04:15 a.m: Get out of bed and shower
04:45 a.m: Wait outside for pick-up as directed
05:15 a.m: Bus turns up
06:00a.m: Check-in at stupid self service terminal
06:45a.m: Board plane to Longreach, northwest Queensland
06:55a.m: Plane takes off
08:55a.m: Plane lands
09:30a.m: Get a lift to Longreach with an Irish fella
09:32a.m: Arrive Longreach town centre, and walk to bus terminal
09:35a.m: Arrive at bus terminal
09:36a.m: Realise Longreach is tiny
09:45a.m: Meet Mayor of Winton, for some reason in Longreach. Also he's very fat
10:35a.m: Board bus to Winton, QLD
12:20p.m: Arrive Winton, home of Waltzing Matilda
12:25p.m: Realise Winton is even smaller than Longreach
12:35p.m: Arrive at Winton Hotel and meet Kev (a massive 6ft 6in) and Jo (a tiny 5ft 3in)12:45p.m-23:00p.m: Talk a lot about nothing; meet Max the 68yr old barman, and Juppi the 4yr old Chihuahua. Think about food and beer a lot.
23:15: Go to bed sober and hungry.

SUNDAY 22ND MARCH

After the best sleep in over 2 weeks I manage to get out of bed around 11:00a.m. There’s no food on at lunch time, so Jo has a free morning to show us around a bit. Although the town is tiny (pop. 1100 approx.), I could see myself living out here. The people are friendly, there’s no crime, you don’t have to lock your doors and the speed of life is slow, slow, slow.In the afternoon, Kev’s off work as well so we go yabbying. Basically it’s Cray fishing in a creek rather than a stream. You have to bait up your cage and throw it in, and then you have to wait. After about 40 minutes we go back and check the cages, nothing, so we give it another 10 minutes. From 11 cages we collect a grand total of 10 yabbies. None of them are big enough to eat, so we throw them back. A bit of a disappointment for our first attempt, but still, it was a nice way to spend the afternoon. The evening Kev and Jo are working, so Louise and I are left to our own devices. By that I mean Louise sits at the bar drinking beer while I sit at the bar drinking ginger ale. I think the drugs are taking effect after 3 days; I’ve been feeling much better and haven’t been living in the bathroom for the most part of the day. Using this as a cast iron argument I decide to try and eat. I take Jo up on her offer of a home-made pizza. This was the right decision. It is without doubt the greatest pizza I have ever eaten in my entire life. If you want one, you’ll have to get to Brisbane airport, take the only plane of the day to Longreach at 06:55a.m and then get a bus from Longreach to Winton at 10:35a.m. When you arrive at Winton follow the signs for the ‘Historic Winton Hotel.’ When you arrive there at around 12:45p.m you will be able to order the greatest pizza in the world ever! It’s not difficult so stop being lazy.

MONDAY 23RD MARCH

Louise is helping out Jo today, and because I’m still on the mend, I’m not allowed to go into the kitchen. With this in mind I head to the local bookies with Max and we go and have a couple of quid on a few gee-gees. Max used to be a trainer so I keep close in case he’s got a few tips to send my way. As it turns out Max has a shocker and I don’t fare much better in my attempts to become a millionaire. The only winner that day, as it is most days is the bookie. So it’s back to Louise at the pub, metaphorical cap in hand, to see what punishment I get. Louise has had a good day herself so she lays off with the beating, which is good news for me. We settle down for tea and I enjoy mine with another can of ginger ale while everyone else sits drinking wine or beer.

TUESDAY 24th MARCH

Today is my last day on the pills, hurray! Apart from watching Australian terrestrial TV (it’s so appallingly bad, Channel 5 back in England seems like award winning television), I did very little. Louise helped out Jo in the kitchen and I finished my book. There isn’t much to do out here if you don’t have a car, not that I mind. I mean who wouldn’t want to sit in the sun without a care in the world, just reading about cricket. It’s probably only second to actually watching or playing it. My idea of bliss.

WEDNESDAY 25TH MARCH

No more pills for me, which means I can eat properly and finally have a decent drink (now that I’m 28, ginger ale’s not as good as it was when I was eight). Because we’re staying here for free and getting most of our food and drink as well, we thought we should help out a bit in the kitchen. It’s been almost six months since I did any work, so it should be fun. In the kitchen we were both back in the old routine, Louise would shout for stuff and I’d have to run and fetch it. It probably would have been different if I could remember how to cook. Never mind, eh! Jo and Kev had some other friends over from the coast, so we all went out for a meal at the local Chinese restaurant. It turns out that not only is it a Chinese, but it’s also the local RSL (Retired Services League). Inside was fascinating; as I’ve said before it’s a lot like the British Legion inside. There are loads of pictures of all the service medals awarded to British soldiers from 1849- 1960. It made me proud being able to see the medals my Grandfather had been awarded. I’d never seen them before because they’d been stolen when I was a young, before I’d had the chance to see them properly.

THURSDAY 26TH MARCH

It was pretty much more of the same today. We helped Jo out with the cooking and the like. In the afternoon we had a bit of a kip as the heat in country Queensland is still over 85F (30C) even in the autumnal months, and it takes it out of you if you’re not used to it. Louise and I both worked in the evening as well, but only for a couple of hours as it’s out of season and not all that busy. When the season picks up it’s none stop for Kev and Jo. I don’t envy them at all. In the afternoon, we went to see Jo’s friend Jess. Her husband is a professional ‘roo shooter and kills them for human consumption, so we went to see his catch. Because he’s away, Jess had to move all the dead ‘roos herself after they’d been topped and tailed, gutted and hung for a week. Seeing dead animals doesn’t really bother me and it’s a good job really. There were 307 dead ‘roos, all of which Jess moved with a little help from her 4 and 5 year old boys. From what Jess told me, that was a small catch. The grass around the area is too long so it’s difficult to see them, especially when a lot of it is done at night when it’s dark. When they go out shooting, the bloke on the top of the van controls a spotlight that he points towards the ‘roo, which attracts it and dazzles and confuses it, making it easy to shoot. This is why there is so much road kill, because kangaroos are, like humans, attracted to bright lights. If you don’t think humans are attracted to bright lights, why do you think funfairs and casino’s are full of them? It’s not to make them look pretty.I made myself and Jo pizza for tea and forgot to put the conveyor belt on. This meant that not only did I ruin tea for both of us; I also nearly set fire to the kitchen. Luckily for me and everyone else that didn’t happen, the worst thing was Jo and I went to bed hungry.

FRIDAY 27TH MARCH

After helping out at dinnertime (lunchtime if you’re posh), Louise and I had the rest of the day free; not that we were complaining, we were more than happy to help. In the afternoon we sent some letters home. While we were at the post office I noticed that every house has a PO Box where all the mail is sent rather than delivered to your house by a postman. I can’t imagine that happening back in my home town: there’s too many people for a start. In the evening I just did what all the locals did: sit at the bar with a beer and watch the NRL. I didn’t get as worked up as them, but I did enjoy myself as much. The night didn’t end until well after midnight, with me, Louise, Jo and Max just sat around talking about home and life in England.

SATURDAY 28TH MARCH

It’s a big day at the pub today; ABC Radio is coming out to do a thing about dinosaurs. Apparently there were loads of them there fossils found out in country Queensland. Because of this there are 80 palaeontologists/dinosaur geeks coming for dinner, so we’re helping Jo with proceedings. After lunch has finished we grab some for ourselves and sit, eat and relax before the evening rush. Because I am a fat man the best place to relax is on the toilet, so off I go.
When I get in there I take down my shorts and boxers as you do and notice all the flies still around. Watching them must have somehow disorientated me because as I go to sit down, I somehow manage to smash my face into the toilet roll holder opposite me. I’m dizzy, I’ve got blurred vision and it hurts like fuck. I also manage to almost right-off my glasses; they’re bent as I don’t know what and there’s a big dint in the lens. Magic. I can’t afford another pair and these are only 6 months old. It took me nearly 45 minutes to recompose myself. Not a very relaxing time after all!
The evening goes with really well. We feed over 150 people in three hours and there are still people asking for food. The ABC is doing some dinosaur and fossil based songs and don’t have a guitar, so I lend them mine. I can’t get on the radio but my guitar can. I didn’t listen to the performance, but I imagine it would be something like a sing-a-long with Barney, but for grown-ups. The crowd eventually disperses and we get to sit down and sink few ales. Well deserved if I do say so myself. I’ve still got a sore eye as well.

For Some Reason They Call It Football! (20/3/09)

2009-04-14T01:50:00.004+01:00

FRIDAY 20TH MARCH

Because we only have today in Brisbane we head for the town to see what it’s like. From what I’ve seen it’s pretty much like any city anywhere in the world. I am coming back here in a week or so, so I’ll have a better look around then. I’ve still got the gyp and I’m really hungry: what should I do? The question should actually be what shouldn’t I do? The answer of course is do not eat. Do I listen? Do I ‘eck as like. No I decide to eat at a buffet Chinese and that is without a doubt 100% the wrong thing to do. The pain is really bad, so much so that I end up going to a GP in a shopping centre. I expect to be seen by someone like Dr. Nick (Hi, everybody), as a GP in a shopping centre probably attained their practice licence from some hick state in the US via the interweb. It turns out not to be the case as far as I can see; looking at his bookshelf and reading his computer screen, it seems he went to a decent university in Oz. It turns out, as I expected, that I have food poisoning and really shouldn’t be eating at all, let alone gorging on Chinese food (but it’s so delicious). The Doc. puts me on antibiotics for five days, adding that I should be OK. If I’m not he gives me another script for some super-strong meds (super-priced at AU$45 for 10) just in case the first lot don’t work. The not eating doesn’t bother me, but I’m not allowed any beer either. It’s gonna be a killer, I’ve already gone without for 4 days.So kids the moral of the story is if you think you have food poisoning you probably do, and don’t eat greasy burgers in Alice Springs.The evening is already planned, we’re off to watch the first game of the NRL season between the Brisbane Broncos and Melbourne Storm, it’s only AU$27 (£13) a ticket. Louise likes rugby union and thought that was what we were going to watch. When I tell her it’s the other code, rugby league, she gets herself confused and can’t remember whether or not she knows the rules. As it turns out she enjoyed the game as much as me; she got all excited when a woman on a horse (I’m guessing a bronco, but I could be wrong, but I doubt it) came out waving a flag when Brisbane scored. The Broncos won 20-16 with Israel Folau scoring a superb try from an up and under. At the final whistle we head straight off to the hostel as it’s 22:00p.m and we have to be up at 04:00a.m, and we’re still to pack.

Laid Up Good And Proper (17-19/3/09)

2009-04-14T01:47:00.004+01:00

TUESDAY 17TH MARCH

It was a long night last night and I’m feeling it a little more than usual. In fact the reason I’m feeling it is I think I have food poisoning from a dodgy burger I ate last night. I spend the entire day between the bathroom and my bed, constantly sweating and then shivering. This isn’t a nice feeling, my stomach hurts because of the food and my head hurts because of the drink. Even when I do get out of bed it’s only for an hour and I’m so cold when I get up, I have four layers on, even though it’s 97F (36C) outside.

WEDNESDAY 18TH MARCH

I’m still laid up in bed. My sheets are piss wet through from sweat and I’m dehydrated to fuck. Louise goes out with Tasha, the Slovenian girl from the tour and does some sightseeing. I just stay in bed with the internet on and spend every 20 minutes going to the toilet. Two of the lads from the tour, Nils and Markus, are leaving today. They’re going to hitch it to Darwin; not the cleverest thing to do, but they say they’ll be fine and they’re both adults so who are we to argue. I finally get up around 19:00p.m and try to eat something. That was probably the worst thing I could have possibly done, as no sooner do I eat it, and I’m back in the bathroom.

THURSDAY 19TH MARCH

Today would have been my Dad’s 57th birthday. He’s been dead for 18 months and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t think of him, I miss him so much but he’s gone and I can’t do anything about it. I love you Dad.
We’re off to Brisbane today, via Melbourne as it’s cheaper. The check-in girl is an arsehole. They make me move stuff around so that my check-in is under 20Kg even though the 2Kg I was over goes straight into my carry-on. At first I ask her if I she can just let it go. With all the charm of a wet fart she says, ‘No, I won’t be doing that.’ What difference does it make to where my luggage allowance goes? Can somebody please explain this to me? As far as I can see it’s just another way of making money out of people who don’t happen to own a set of airport scales. The flight to Melbourne is horrible. There’s loads of turbulence, which plays havoc with my guts, and the staff just sit at the back chatting away not one bit interested in the passengers. I even have to ask them to move so I can get to the toilet! Tiger Airlines: Budget Airline – Budget Service. When we land at Melbourne we even have to pick up our bags from a shed.Check-in at Melbourne is simple; thank you Mr. Branson. I’m so hungry I could eat a horse between two bread vans, so I stop off and get myself something. Melbourne airport is full of all sorts of culinary delights. How is it possible for me to eat and then less than two minutes later be in the bathroom again! The flight to Brisbane goes without any fuss; I’m too engrossed in my book, Adam Gilchrist’s Autobiography that Louise bought me as a get well present, to notice. Into Brisbane at 20:00p.m and we just make the last train to town. Louise forgot to get directions to the hostel, so we have to ring them up. I wish she hadn’t bothered; it’s an absolute shit hole. It’s full of kids, there’s no security of note and it’s really noisy.

The Red Centre And All That It Entails (11-16/3/09)

2009-04-14T01:31:00.006+01:00

WEDNESDAY 11TH MARCH

We’re up at stupid o’clock as we have to be picked up at 06:45a.m by ‘Groovy Grape Tours.’ This makes us ‘Groovy Passengers,’ I feel like a bit of a twat being called that, I’m not a 7 year old, I’m an actual grown up believe it or not. We were the second last pick up, one more on the way out of the city and its north to Coober Pedy. Except it’s not. We pick up what we think is the last pair and then our tour guide, Jesus (that’s not his real name: it’s Anthony, no wonder he prefers his nickname), realises he’s left two people behind in the city centre. So we turn back and pick them up, incidentally they’re still asleep when we arrive an hour later than scheduled. So at 08:15a.m, 90 minutes late, we finally leave the city for good, 21 of us with Jesus (who doesn’t look much like an Israeli) leading the flock. For the next 11½ hours we sit on the bus stopping 4 times for toilet stops and all we see apart from the town of Woolameera is red desert.We arrive in Coober Pedy at 19:45p.m. Coober Pedy is famous for two things, 1) it’s the worlds number 1 opal producer, and 2) it’s the missing persons capital of the world (although I think a few places in South America could run it close). By that I don’t mean all the worlds missing persons come to live here, no, supposedly people just disappear after falling down unused opal mines.As it was late we went straight for pizza, surprisingly it was run by an Italian and not a Greek or Turkish family as most of them are nowadays. After a feed, we head to the pub and sip a few beers and play some pool. By midnight Louise and I are the last of our group in the pub so we leave as it’s time for bed. We’re sleeping in of an old mine underground (around 70% of people live underground here, in that sense I suppose it’s a bit like Fraggle Rock), apparently it’s a lot cooler than sleeping above ground. We’ll see.

THURSDAY 12TH MARCH

It’s early starts from now on so I’m going to be a bit agitated. We’ve already lost one of our group, Faye. She didn’t realise that this tour involved sleeping in very basic accommodation and for two nights we’d be sleeping in swags at Ayers Rock.We visit an old opal mine, and learn how to become miners and at what cost. The girl who takes the tour doesn’t really sell it though as she says Coober Pedy is a little bit of a boring place to live. I like the idea of being a miner, but you’re self employed so it could be a struggle. Mid-morning we take a tour of the town, not much to see, two underground churches, a dentists that’s based in a caravan, lots of community centres; these ones cater for the individual communities, not a united one, and the most expensive house in the town, priced at a colossal AU$120 000.At lunchtime I almost have a fight with a Yank named Roger. It’s because he’s not pulling his weight when it comes to meal times. I’m a chef at home but I’m not here to cook and clean for every fucker else!Most of the afternoon is free and I spend it with three Germans. Din (pronounced Dean, a girl, it’s her nickname), Lisa and Jo (who from now on will be referred to as Worms due to his insatiable appetite), we played Kniffel, in the English speaking world it’s called Yatzee. Later on we go to the Breakaways. It’s similar to The Rock, just smaller. I don’t know why we have to go up three different rock formations. It looks the same from every angle. The only thing that makes it worthwhile is that Worms almost falls to his death while pissing about. The night is spent getting pissed and playing stupid drinking games such as ‘Chickens on Standby,’ which basically involves making chicken noises to start with, and finishes as a big mêlée of farmyard animal noises. Very strange but very funny.

FRIDAY 13TH MARCH

Up at the crack of bloody dawn for the long drive to Uluru (approx 500miles (800km). If you like looking at red dust, then driving through northern South Australia along the Stuart Highway is for you. We made it to the Northern Territory and did the touristy thing and had our photo taken at the NT-SA border crossing. Further up the road- by further I mean a lot further, we come across what most people think is Uluru but is in fact a completely different big red rock nicknamed Fooluru (geddit!).After unpacking all the gear and getting our swags out for the first time we head to see sunset over the rock. It’s a pretty amazing sight. The colours change every few minutes, and looks like it’s having a disco. I can’t really say anything more about it but I recommend it highly. Back at base camp, Worms goes mad for tea and nearly eats everything. For the first time in my life I have kangaroo meat. I don’t like it, it tastes like red wine and not chicken as everyone usually says. I mean come on, how many times have people said about an unusual meat, ‘ooh it tastes like chicken.’

SATURDAY 14TH MARCH

Today it’s a 04:30a.m start. Not good by anyone’s standards, least of all mine. The reason we’re up at this ungodly hour is because we’re off to sunrise at the rock and then we’re travelling to ‘The Olga’s’ and ‘The Valley of the Winds,’ to partake in two reasonably easy walks.The sunrise at the rock was a bit rubbish because we were too far away, and we couldn’t get any decent photos. After that disappointment, we drove to the start of our walk. The walk itself was very steady paced and for this reason more enjoyable. It takes around 2-3 hours, but if you go early morning it’s a lot easier to do. They also close the route from 11:00a.m – 14:00p.m because it’s too dangerous with the heat. I had a good chat with a couple of the lads on the way around, everyone speaks English as per, some of them speak three or four languages; I’m still sticking to Pidgin English. We went back to camp and had some free time for a swim and a bit of lunch. I had another altercation over the chores, this time someone accused me of not helping (I had been, but because she was too busy trying to get laid she didn’t notice). I told her to fuck off, just because she was cliquey with the tour guide, didn’t mean she was the boss and could tell me what to do. Fuck her and fuck everyone else. I hate almost all of these people. Believe it or not, I’m only getting along with the Europeans, the English and the Americans are awful, awful people to be around when they’re in big groups like this. The evening was spent doing the first base walk around Uluru. For some reason we don’t do the whole walk in one go, and only end up walking for an hour. It’s still early and lights aplenty but Jesus says it’s better over two days. We’ll see shall we?

SUNDAY 15TH MARCH

Another 04:30a.m start and it’s away to Uluru to finish the walk. It only takes a couple of hours, and we get some decent pictures of the sunrise. Even though we get some decent snaps, I still feel it’s much better done as one walk rather than two.Now here’s the thing, I’m not averse to walking or even hiking for that matter, in fact I did three pretty hefty ones in SE Asia, and didn’t complain. As I’ve explained before now I’m not the fittest bloke in the world, I’d even go as far to say as I’m probably the most out of shape person in this group, however this trek up Kings Canyon is an absolute joke. First off its 14:00p.m, one of the hottest times of the day and we’re expected to walk up a hill nicknamed ‘heart-attack hill.’ Like everyone else I start the climb no worries, but three parts of the way up the hill I’m already feeling it. At the first rest it’s got to be at least 35C (95F), and I backfill a litre of water. Fuck this for a game of soldiers; I’m not crippling myself for anyone so I head back down the mountain thoroughly pissed off. The reason I’m pissed is because this walk should be done early morning, when it’s a lot cooler. We couldn’t manage that though as we were too busy finishing the second walk around Uluru that we could and should have completed the previous day. All in all it was a horrible experience and could have been avoided by proper planning. The next two hours are spent waiting for the rest of the group to return, before we head back to camp for our final night out in the bush.

MONDAY 16TH MARCH

We get a lay in this morning, 08:00a.m start. There’s nothing on the schedule today other than getting to Alice Springs. So we pack everything into the truck and head back towards the Stuart Highway on another 8 hour drive along dirt roads.Around midday we stop off for what we think is just lunch, but turns out to be a bit of a show. Dinky the dingo lives out here. If you’ve never heard of Dinky, basically he’s a singing dingo. All you have to do is play the piano (it doesn’t matter to what standard, he’s not fussy), and he’ll sing; he sounds a little bit like Leona Lewis: Crap. Another four hours and we arrive in Alice Springs. It’s not a nice place and we’re told by Jesus under no circumstances should you go out on your own after 18:00p.m. As is tradition with these sort of trips everyone meets up for one last supper (ironic really as Jesus has been our guide) and then heads to the saloon to get pissed. Being a man who likes food and drink I oblige and head out for the night. The bar is probably the tackiest looking bar in all of the southern hemisphere, but the drinks cheap, the music’s loud and you can still smoke inside. I’m not a smoker, and I never have been, but smoking inside pubs should still be aloud throughout the world for one reason and one reason only, it hides the smell of body odour, and that is a far worse smell than cigarettes, anyone who says different is wrong. I have the best night I’ve had on the entire tour, the clique are still licking each other’s arses (I couldn’t give a toss about them), but everyone else is having a good time, even the quiet ones are partying.That concludes the tour except for one final thing. Din has taught me how to do the Rubik’s Cube, I’ve always wanted to learn, and now I can do it.

The Horses (08-10/03/09)

2009-03-31T10:20:00.005+01:00

SUNDAY 8TH MARCH

It’s my 28th birthday today. I rang my mother at 09:30am South Australia time, so in England it was 23:00p.m, 7th March. As she has no concept of international time zones, she didn’t realise it was my birthday. When I told her, all she said was, ‘well it’s not the 8th here, and you were born in England not Australia.’ Fair enough, that’s me told.
The Adelaide Fringe is on here, it’s a bit like the Edinburgh Fringe, but with more Aussie’s if you can believe that. We went for a walk to check out some of the shows. Most of them have an entry fee, obviously, so it was the free shows for us. By free, I mean buskers and kid’s entertainment, which isn’t really something I’m bothered about. I suppose if you pay to see the acts on show it’ll be better, but as Louise and I are going to the races tomorrow, we can’t afford to do everything.
We got the tram down to Glenelg beach. It’s a nice sandy beach and it wasn’t too overcrowded. We didn’t have any bathers so it’s a bit of a moot point as we couldn’t go swimming. It was almost sunset, and that’s feeding time, so I definitely wouldn’t have gone anyway. Instead we walked along the pier, along with the things you expect to see such as people crab fishing; we also saw a group of teenager’s fish out a tandem from the sea!
Louise phoned her Dad and I got birthday wishes of him as it was now the 8th March back in England. That reminds me, I must get my Mother a map with lines of longitude and international time zones.

MONDAY 9TH MARCH

Today we’re off to the Adelaide Cup; although it’s not as big as the Melbourne Cup, it still justifies public holiday status in South Australia, so for that reason alone we went. To get to the track you have to take an AU$8 tram ride of around 6miles (9.5km). I was a little worried about my appearance as it was a big race day. Back home any big race meeting you have to go in your best clobber. Not Australia though, I was dressed in black combat pants and a shirt, these are the best clothes I own. At best I look like a tramp who’s just robbed a fresh bin bag of clothes from the doorstep of Dr. Barnado’s after the pissheads have been dressing up in them after a nights boozing.
Because I didn’t really get a birthday present yesterday, I was allowed a bet today. Normally I would have backed myself to pick a few winners, but we’re in Australia and it’s Grade 2 racing and there’s only one jockey I’ve heard of.
That said I got a few tips off a stranger whilst I was having breakfast. It didn’t help me as I didn’t back any of the horses he told me (the price was too short and I’m a gambler) and 3 out of 4 won. Never mind.
After a long afternoon there and losing around AU$100, we left. We were a little disappointed not to have won anything between us, but we budgeted to lose so it wasn’t a problem.
It was tea-time so we went to the casino for a AU$5 roast dinner. Whilst we were there I persuaded Louise to let me have another AU$20 on the roulette.
Within 5 spins of the wheel I had made back the money that we’d spent at the races. Not bad going, so for a whole day’s entertainment we had spent a grand total of AU$0. That’s exactly my kind of day: a free one.

TUESDAY 10TH MARCH

Today is the last day in the city for 9 days as we’re off to the ‘Red Centre’ on another tour. Because we had to get everything ready and believe it or not we’re still sticking to a budget, we spent most of the day in the hostel watching crap TV.
I found out to my disappointment that the cricket had been on at the Adelaide Oval over the weekend after being told by the staff in the hostel that it hadn’t. That was one of a couple of bug-bares I had with the hostel. I was also told by them that none of the fast food outlets (you know the ones) had free wi-fi, and so was conned out of AU$15 for web access. After it was too late, I found out that they did do it for free. Usually they’ll help you to find this sort of information as it’s makes a difference; this hostel wasn’t really into helping you though, they were just after a few more dollars from you, they even charged you a dollar for every bottle of beer you brought on the premises.

The Great Ocean Road (05-07/03/09)

2009-03-31T10:08:00.004+01:00

THURSDAY 5TH MARCH

Today we’re heading off to Adelaide on a 3 day road trip, so it should be fun. We left our hostel at 06:30a.m and got a tram to Melbourne Art Centre, which is adorned with a massive Eiffel tower lookalike.
We’re met by our guide for the trip, Dave. I should remember that, as not only is it my name but it’s also on his shirt in case I forget. It also turns out that we’re the only two blokes on the trip. There’s Louise (my fiancé), Tamsin (tiny, middle class), Alice (very middle class, what what.), Leoni (unusual name), Sophia (Leoni’s friend and fellow German) and (also German).
The first part of our journey is getting out of Melbourne and on to the Great Ocean Road. Dave manages it and we’re coasting along the GOR at a steady pace and we arrive at our first stop Lorne. Here we saw a few wild koalas and parrots. The parrots constantly attack you; even more so when your significant other puts sunflower seed in your (newly styled) hair. Louise said I looked a bit like a pirate. When I looked at the photos I thought I looked more like a mental person.
We stopped for lunch at Apollo Bay; a necessary stop as we had a flat tyre. While everyone went for some food I helped Dave change the tyre, and along with him I got totally shitted up.
A short drive along the coast (I say short, anything less than 200km I short) and we reach the 12 Apostles. It’s a ridiculously windy day, but it looks pretty awesome. Louise was going to pay for me to take a helicopter ride over the Apostles (of which there are only 8 still standing), but because I’m a wimp and I hate flying, I said no.
Further along the Great Ocean Road are the Bay of Islands, London Bridge and Loch Ard Gorge. Lots of limestone rocks in different shapes in the sea.
We travelled to Warrnambool where we stayed for the night. It’s a bit out of the town so we were isolated. I tried to do a bit of my blog, but travelling all day makes you feel like crap so I went to bed knackered.

FRIDAY 6TH MARCH

Early start number 2 of 3. I don’t do mornings so this is not good. Our first stop is a quick tour through Tower Hill where I saw some more Kangaroos, a case of overkill rather than road kill. Next up was Brambuk Aboriginal Centre. It’s a bit biased against the white man, but that’s to be expected. The Aboriginals did have it a bit shit for the best part of 200 years, so they have reason to be aggrieved. However, it doesn’t mean they’re 100% right, but it’s not my place to say.
The next stop off was McKenzie falls. It’s very beautiful to look at, but it’s a long way down; 264 steps down and then back up. Okay I’m a bit lazy but the two English are a bit keen; they zoomed back up the steps like they were on a route march. Fuck that, I’m on holiday; I’m not here to run around and be in places on time or stick to a schedule.
Having said that the next thing on the agenda is a hike. I’m not averse to doing them as I completed a few in Asia where the heat and humidity is awful. This one was spoilt because of the route marchers. They went off at a 100mph with no regard for anyone else. I thought the rule of hiking was you go at the slowest pace. Obviously they aren’t bothered about anyone else.
We picked up another driver on the way, Sean. He is going to take us on the last leg of the tour to Adelaide. First we have to spend the night in Naracoorte, at Dave’s house/hostel. We were fed and watered by his wife Sonia and then spent an hour in the pub. On passing the pub we walked past another Drive-thru bottle. This is the without a doubt still the most irresponsible thing I’ve seen in my life.

SATURDAY 7TH MARCH

Today is the final early start before we arrive in Adelaide. Our first stop is Naracoorte caves. I’ve never really done caving before so this should be fun. There were eight little challenges to do, and all of them involved crawling through tiny holes without getting stuck. I successfully negotiated three and got stuck in one, so it wasn’t a bad effort. There was a 6ft 5in Dutch lad who almost never got out of a crevasse. He was as thin as a rake and he struggled to get through. If I’d have attempted it I think I’d still be there right now.
We went back to town and went shopping for some lunch. There I bumped into Libby, Jo from Tasmania’s cousin. I only know 6 people in Australia so it was a bit of a surprise when I saw her. What are the chances?
We said our goodbye’s to Dave and his family as he was staying at home for the last leg and we headed to Adelaide. The last stop on the journey was another vineyard where I didn’t taste any wine because I don’t have any sophistication; I’d rather have a beer any day.
The final drive was over three hours and there wasn’t much to see, I did see a bus with Korean Presbyterian Church of Adelaide plastered on the side. Now if that isn’t a small catchment then I don’t know what is.
We made it to our hostel, dropped our bags off and headed for town to meet the gang. Only the German girls and Sean turned up, it wasn’t really a surprise as the other two weren’t really in to drinking or socialising with working class people.
I had a few drinks and then a few more after midnight as it was my 28th birthday. I can’t remember much more as I’d had my fill and was pretty tired.

Penguins: They're Not Just Chocolate Biscuits (03-04/03/09)

2009-03-31T10:03:00.004+01:00

TUESDAY 3RD MARCH

Today we’re going to Phillip Island to see the ‘World Famous Penguin Parade’; they’re world famous because they’re only about 12-14 inches tall and that’s tiny, even for a penguin.
On the way we visit Gurdies vineyard, so named because a Hurdy Gurdy (merry-go-round) fell in a ditch and was stuck there for about 3 years. The Aussies are really imaginative with the naming of stuff!
Next up was Maru Wildlife Park. Hurray. At last, after 2 and a half weeks I get to see some of Australia’s indigenous wildlife, and they’re alive. Wallabies, Kangaroos (including 4 albinos), Tasmanian Devils and Emu’s: despite what many people think Emu’s are not blue and orange like the one Rod Hull had. And while we’re on the subject cows aren’t purple as some people believe i.e. the Dutch who have never been out if the city.
We arrived on the island around 16:00p.m and headed for Woolamire beach. Here we hoped to see some seals and get a sneak preview of the penguins: the ones at the opposite side of the island don’t come up until dusk. We didn’t see any seals and there were only a few penguins seen, as most of them were hiding in their nests.
After the biggest and saltiest bag of chips ever we headed off to the main ‘Penguin Parade.’ The weather had been pretty kind to us so far, although it had been pretty grey the rain had stayed away, but when it comes to standing outside on the beach the heavens opened. We waited patiently for the penguins to surf on to the beach (They really do surf!). Firstly two or three of the ‘Generals’ come on the beach and have a bit of a look around. When they see it’s all clear, they give the signal and the rest of the group come waddling along the beach. It’s one of the funniest things ever to watch, the penguins are going as fast as they can, some of them fall over; others just keep their heads down and go as fast as they can to their burrows. This happens for about an hour or so with each group sending out the leaders and then following when the coast is clear, literally. At one point there was a kangaroo hopping along the bank (Typical, I waited 16 days to see a live ‘roo and then after seeing about 40 at Maru I then see a wild one at night.), unsure what to do next all the penguins just freeze, hoping they won’t be seen. They must be used to the tourists as there were 60 of us sat at the beach waiting for them to come out of the sea and only one out of 400 even stopped to have a look. You’re not allowed to photograph or film them as the flash scares them; we did try sans flash but got caught and severely reprimanded by the ranger. The pictures didn’t come out very well in the end so the bollocking was without reward.

WEDNESDAY 4TH MARCH

Today was our last day in Melbourne and it pissed down all day so we stayed in, watched crap TV and ate crap food. The lad who put the window through still doesn’t know how he did it.

Aussie Rules!?! (01-02/03/09)

2009-03-31T09:59:00.006+01:00

SUNDAY 1ST MARCH

HANGOVER ALERT! We’re up at 07:00a.m and I’m dying. We head to Hobart International (sic) Airport. We arrive and drop the hire car off and go to check-in. The staff were a pain in the arse and didn’t do anything to make it easy. Although you can’t take liquids over 100ml on international flights, you are allowed on internal flights, so what’s the difference? Are internal flights super-safe and un-crashable whereas international ones aren’t? After getting worked up, swearing a bit and getting beer sweats we went through to the departure lounge. It’s rubbish, there’s nowhere to get anything to eat or drink other than the solitary monopolising shop, where drinks are at least AU$7. I did, however, see on the news that there had been another shark attack near Sydney. I’m still not going in the water here. That’s the third attack in 3 weeks.
After a 50 minute flight we land in Melbourne, home to AFL, Neighbours, Shane Warne and lots of trams. We immediately got confused and couldn’t find the right bus into the city. After asking a few people, and getting nowhere, we chanced our arm and guessed. Luckily for us, we guessed right.
As everyone might know, I hate buses and bus journeys. This is because the driver is usually a complete arse. I suppose, I’d be an arse if I was an airport bus driver, driving foreigners – most of whom are pig-ignorant after a long-haul flight- around all day. However, this journey was ace. The driver was very helpful, polite, and funny, but only with us. Everyone else got the usual treatment, we must have got lucky because we were polite and having a joke and a laugh with him. As the saying goes if ‘A smile goes a long way,’ having a laugh must travel for light years.
We arrive at the hostel and we are greeted by a bloke named Pat. He must be gay because he’s camper than a row of tents. We’re shown to our room, dump our stuff and head for the town centre.
We mooch around for a couple of hours and see a lot of trams and trains. It’s a bit like stepping back in time, a time where rail, whether it be train or tram was King. It’s a magical thing to see, there aren’t many big cities (Manchester and Amsterdam excluded) where trams are in charge and are the best and most economical way of getting around. You couldn’t imagine it on the streets’ of London or New York.
When we get near to the main station, there are hundreds of footy fans heading towards the Etihad Stadium (formerly Telstra Dome). We didn’t know there was a game on today, we should have guessed though as this is Melbourne and Aussie Rules rules. We ask a couple what time the game starts, and after 20 minutes of dithering we finally head towards the stadium.
To get in it costs AU$15 (£7) each, that’s incredibly cheap even if it is only pre-season. In England a friendly involving a third tier football club will cost you at least a tenner and they’re usually dross, this is top standard AFL. AFL is a family experience and as it’s pre-season we’re allowed to sit anywhere (There is no segregation of fans. Apart from the Merseyside derby this doesn’t happen in English football), except the private bar area (these tickets were only AU$5 (£2.30) more). We settle in, second tier, just behind the goals.
I haven’t watched AFL seriously ever in my life; as a 10 year old my only foreign sports broadcasts came courtesy of Channel 4’s Saturday morning show Trans World Sports and so as far as I remember Aussie Rules is an 18-a-side brawl with lots of kicking; just don’t tell the Victorians I think this way. I hope to pick the rules up again fairly quickly as Louise is completely baffled by them and I’ve got to try to somehow explain. At least it’ll be easier than explaining cricket to an American!
As it’s pre-season the teams battle out for the NAB Cup. It’s a little bit like the Community Shield (in my house it’s still the Charity Shield), where teams don’t always put out there best side but winning it gives you bragging rights. 12 of the 16 teams in the AFL are based in and around the Melbourne area, so there are plenty of rivalries and plenty of big gates; the MCG gets over 100 000 when certain matches are played there.
Our first taste of live AFL is the second round NAB Cup match between Carlton Blues and Hawthorn Hawks. Hawthorn are reigning AFL champions, it shows, and they get off to a blistering start, they’re kicking goals (6pts) from everywhere and The Navy Blues can only respond with behinds (1pt). At the end of the first half Hawthorn is in front 0.7.8 (50)-1.4.8 (41)
The second half is a complete contrast and Carlton (who are at home), after getting some gyp from their fans, turn the game on its head and kick goals for fun and even get a couple of Supergoals (9pts) for good measure. Hawthorn can’t compete; even though it’s only pre-season they get beat up and Carlton run out winners 2.13.16 (112)-2.10.10 (88).
After the game finished we went to the casino. It’s huge, there’s so much to do and so many ways to lose your money. Whilst walking through we witnessed a blatant ‘The Price Is Right’ rip-off, called ‘The Price Is Right.’ Hosted on this occasion, not by Leslie Crowther (or Bob Barker if you’re from the USA), but by a twat in a grey suit who had the personality of a block of cheese. To compensate for his camembert personality he did had a couple of lovelies with him. They did however look like they’d been ‘Tango’d’ to within an inch of their life. The fella who was chosen had no concept of the game or money so didn’t win the AU$50 000 prize. Instead he got AU$1 000 and a kettle worth AU$24. I bet the cash would have lasted him all of 10 minutes on the Blackjack tables. I lost AU$50 in 4 spins on the roulette table so that was the end of the gambling for me.
On the way back to the hostel we stayed on the tram too long and ended up in St. Kilda, where we witnessed a mental woman smash a bottle on a lamp post and try and glass the bloke she was with. When I walked past she was screaming blue murder at him and asked me for help. I told her no. She then started having a go at me calling me a bad citizen. She was a bit to ‘chicken oriental.’ I just said to her, ‘Don’t have a go at me I’m English,’ and wandered on. She then rang the Copper’s trying to pin a load of shit on the bloke, who as far as we could see had done nothing wrong.
What a first day in Melbourne! I wonder if it’s always like this.

MONDAY 2ND MARCH

After an action packed day yesterday, today we opted for a nice relaxing walk around the city centre. We saw some of that city art and I don’t really see the attraction. To my unsophisticated eyes it looks like a piece of junk. A seven year old could knock together something of that level with chewed up Stickle Bricks.
I was after getting a haircut, as the £4 one I got in Thailand was looking a bit of a mess. I got one, it cost me AU$30 and that made it the most expensive haircut I’ve ever had. That bit I wasn’t really bothered about, it was the fact that she said I was going bald and what hair I did have was curly. Ok, so I am thinning a bit on my crown, but I definitely do not have curly hair. Curly hair is what devil kids have.
We spent the evening chilling out watching a couple of films and interwebbing. Before I went to bed a couple of the lads were outside playing croquet and one of them somehow managed to knock a croquet ball through a window 10 feet up. Correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t croquet a lawn game?

Isn't That Like Narnia? (25-28/02/09)

2009-03-04T00:58:00.006Z

WEDNESDAY 25TH FEBRUARY

Today we left Wynyard and headed south to the capital of Tasmania, Hobart. We have one night in the city, after which we head to the stick, Campania to be exact, to visit a friend of Louise's who she stayed with four years ago.
In Tasmania nearly all the main roads head to Hobart, so getting there was rather easy. The main road between Launceston and Hobart is through endless fields and part large mountain ranges. It’s a beautiful scene and a pleasant drive. There’s also very little traffic until you reach Hobart so this adds to the plus side of travelling large distances.
We arrived at our hostel around 18:00p.m and went straight out. We’re only in the city for one night so to help our next visit we did a quick recce of the area ready for the next time. We walked through the town and as it was 19:00p.m most of the shops were closed and the area was pretty desolate. Hobart isn’t a 24 hour city.
We went back to the hostel and with very little to do because we were leaving in the morning to head to the sticks, we sat and had a few drinks. Firstly we had to get some beer from the bottle shop. The bottle shop we went to was a drive-through. If that’s not the most irresponsible way to sell alcohol then I don’t know what is.

THURSDAY 26TH FEBRUARY

We checked out of the hostel at 10:00a.m and headed into town, hoping we would see a little more than last night. The town centre reminds me of a small city in England; maybe Nottingham, so all we did was wander and buy some essentials and waited for a call from Jo; she is going to be our host for the next few days.
Around 16:00p.m we got a phone call from Jo and headed out into the sticks. Louise and Jo worked together in England and it has been four years since they’ve seen each other, so it will be a little strange for them both. We have to get there first and this involves Louise listening to me whilst I navigate. This doesn’t happen and we miss the turn-off and end up going 10 miles the wrong way, before we get lucky and find a sign saying Richmond, which is the town before our destination of Campania. It has the same name as a region of Southern Italy, but it sounds like a place that C.S. Lewis would have used in one of his Narnia Chronicles.
After an hour or so we got to Campania and headed straight for the local (and only) pub to meet Jo. I eventually got to meet Jo and put a face to a name after years of Louise’s stories. If I’d have compiled an e-fit and written one paragraph about her, I would have been more than 80% right. In between stories and beer we all got (re)acquainted and had a good night. We went back to Jo’s house and had a barbecue Aussie style and met her boyfriend Luke and permanently pissed housemate Mick. A few more light ales later and we retired to bed, a little light-headed and relishing a decent night’s sleep.

FRIDAY 27TH FEBRUARY

Today we’re off to Port Arthur. Port Arthur was the former convict settlement where the British government sent reoffending British and Irish criminals. It was also used for rebellious prisoners from other jails in Australia and was the strictest and most secure prison in the British Empire, based on an ideology of Pentonville prison London. The building’s in the national park have been maintained very well and most of them you’re able to enter and explore the history a lot deeper; all of them we went to had good and relevant information on what had happened and when.
After a long day at PA we went back to C.S. Lewisland and met up with Jo and her cousin Matthew; a 6ft 6in giant of a man, and headed to the casino in Hobart: Australia is obsessed with gambling, the casino here is the meeting point for most people on a weekend so you can’t get away from it.
We spent the whole evening at the casino; me and Louise had AU$50 each, I lost and Louise more than doubled up. The rest of the night was spent watching sport and drinking before heading back out to Campania.

SATURDAY 28th FEBRUARY

We visited Salamanca market; it’s set by the harbour in Hobart and is supposedly one of the things Hobart is famous for, even though I’d never heard of it before. We walked around the market looking for tat and tit-bits that might brighten up our home (if we ever go back). There was a nice picture of the harbour with Mt. Wellington in the background (we didn’t go up Mt. Wellington as it was foggy during our stay.) that we decided to purchase for a very reasonable AU$4.
Across from the market, moored in the harbour, was the environmental anti-whaling conservation ship, the Sea Shepherd Steve Irwin. It had just come back from Operation Migaloo, where it had been in the Australian Antarctic Territory trying to intervene Japanese whaling fleets who were hunting Humpback and Fin whales. We went on an hour long free tour, where our guide explained what they had done. The expedition itself was very successful with the ‘Steve Irwin’ holding the Japanese catch to 500 less than previously. Almost the entire crew are volunteers and so it is a very commendable job that they do.
I’m not a hippy or a massive conservationist, I don’t mind where my food comes from to a degree, as I’m not rich or well-off in the slightest and I don’t have the option. My opinion is it’s only people that live in Royal Berkshire and Surrey who can afford to eat free range organic food. You don’t see hoards of people who live on council estates throughout Britain marching on Downing St. with petitions against supermarkets’ treatment of battery chickens. No it’s just celebrity chefs with a few million quid in the bank who can afford eggs at £10-a-dozen. Less well-off people just want to eat, so battery farms are the order of the day as far as that’s concerned, until the governments do something to change the price-fixing as far as moral shopping is concerned.
The early evening we went for fresh fish and chips. Absolutely delightful. We were joined by Jo’s twin brother Luke and their cousins Matthew and Libby and a couple of other relatives, though unfortunately I can’t remember their names, but I do know they were sound.
We headed back to Campania and spent the next five hours getting drunk and playing pool with the locals. Apart from that I can’t remember much as it was late and I’m afraid I was very, very drunk (read this in the style of Rowley Birkin QC the incoherent retired barrister from The Fast Show).

Northern Tasmania (The Mainlander's Say It's Like Alabama) (17-24/2/09)

2009-02-26T03:48:00.007Z

TUESDAY 17TH FEBRUARY

Today we’re leaving for Tasmania, Wynyard a small town on the north-west coast to be exact, to visit Pat the Australian we met in Viet Nam.
We arrive at the airport for our 12:05p.m flight and have a straight forward check-in. It’s something we’ve been longing for after the debacle in Bali. The flight is nice and comfortable, you get free TV for about 15 minutes after take-off and then they cut it off unless you pay AU$4.95. This enabled me to admire the view outside, even though I was still a little apprehensive. It is amazing; the Tasman Sea is as blue a sea as I’ve ever seen. You can also pick out the other islands to the north of Tasmania.
We land at Launceston airport; we’re 130 miles from Wynyard and the bus doesn’t leave until 17:00p.m, so we decide to hire a car. The car costs AU$550 (£260) for a 10 day hire, so it’s fairly cheap. It’s also automatic, so it’s like driving a dodgem.
It took us just over two hours to get to Wynyard, not bad considering we don’t know our way around. When we drove into Wynyard, it was like driving into 1950’s America. I’m not saying that in a derogatory way, it’s a nice change from all the identical towns you go to back in England. Our host for the next few days is Pat, and she’s there to greet us when we arrive. She shows us to ‘our’ room. It’s perfect, there’s a massive double bed with a huge soft duvet. After we’ve eaten and we’re settled in Pat goes through the house rules: 1) We have to buy our own food, 2) Clean up after yourself. That’s it. You can’t say fairer than that.

WEDNESDAY 18TH FEBRUARY

After the best night’s sleep ever we went for a wander around town. Everything is really old-fashioned and it really is picturesque. There isn’t loads to do in Wynyard itself, but that doesn’t matter as we’re here to take it easy and the car’s in the drive if we need to go anywhere.
The afternoon is spent shopping for food. It’s been over 4 months since we actually shopped for food like this and I still don’t like it. It gets better when I find real bacon and HP sauce: there is nothing better than bacon butty covered in brown sauce. When we get to the checkout and have to pay it comes to over AU$110, we’re only getting the essentials.
We spend a few hours in the RSL (it’s like the Legion back at home), having a pint (even though Australia’s supposed to be metric they know what a pint is) and playing on the pokies. We lost on the pokies: I don’t see the appeal, they’re not like the fruit machines at home, there’s no feature to keep you interested. It doesn’t seem to matter, the Aussies are mad for them, especially the old dears.

THURSDAY 19TH FEBRUARY

Today we went for a drive around the countryside. You can see how all the bushfires occurred in Victoria; even here in Tasmania all the fields are brown and dry so any excessive heat and they’ll just burn no problem.
We were supposed to visit a small town up the road called Burnie. However, I saw a sign for a town called Penguin so we had to investigate. The town is tiny, there’s a tourist information office and a couple of restaurants, that’s about it. There were some funny signs though: a Penguin Butchers ( they’re not endangered enough just yet), Penguin Hotel (no pets allowed)and Penguin market(I don’t know if there’s a big a call for penguins as there is cattle). We didn’t see any actual penguins though, they’re up the coast somewhere.
Afterwards we went to Burnie. It’s equally as small a town as Wynyard, it does though have a few more shops, and the odd fast food outlet if you really want it. We tried to get an Australian sim-card but the woman in the shop was rubbish and wasn’t bothered about helping us. We eventually got one from the local shop in Wynyard, it was exactly the same as the shop in Burnie but the bloke in the corner shop explained it better. That was the easy part. It took an hour to register our sim-card over the telephone as the young lad on the line couldn’t comprehend the fact that I didn’t have an Australian address and I didn’t have access to the internet. I explained that I was a backpacker, and asked him what happens to other people in this situation. He wouldn’t budge and kept asking me what my address was. I then asked him if he was Australian, and he said no he was travelling also. Wrong answer. I asked him how he got his mobile phone registered. He didn’t answer me so I hung up. I made Louise try as I had been as polite as I could and wouldn’t be able to bite my tongue if I had the same experience as before. She told the operator that she was a backpacker and didn’t have an address. Do you know what he said? Don’t worry we’ll make one up.

FRIDAY 20TH FEBRUARY

We haven’t seen much of our host Pat. When she said we could have the run of the house she meant it. Pat does have a dog to entertain us , Jessie. In the past few years it has come to my attention that I’m allergic to long haired dogs and dog hair in general. It’s not nice, every time I get within about 6 feet of Jess I start to sneeze and my eyes start watering. I feel like a bag of shit.
For something to do we go for a drive along the north-west coast of Tasmania. After driving for about 45 mins we arrive in Stanley. Stanley has a population of around 600 and is described by the Australian AA equivalent as “ a quaint township with many interesting and historic buildings, particularly the waterfront.” it is also the birthplace of former Prime Minister Joseph Lyons and it also home to Circular Head a 500ft (150m) volcanic rock formation more commonly known as ‘The Nut.’ This was interesting enough for Louise to insist on getting another magnet for her collection featuring ‘The Nut.’
We drove for another hour or so and visited a couple more towns, Smithton: we didn’t get out the car as it didn’t seem very interesting, I‘m probably wrong though, and Irishtown: the village was so small we drove through it without realising. It has one shop six or seven houses and an AFL/cricket pitch.

SATURDAY 21ST FEBRUARY

Today Pat came out with us as we wanted to check out the local farmers’ market. It had been advertised on the TV over the last few days so I said we should go as it was something to do. Pat had said it wasn’t as big as it looked on TV but I was insistent. We got there and immediately realised she was right; it took us less than 15 minutes to walk round and I only bought 3 parsnips for tea. For something else to do we visited the local cheese factory. I love cheese, the bluer and smellier the better. There were loads, some with bell peppers, some with spring onion, one even had chillies in and tasted like crap. After an hour of eating strange cheeses we headed back, all of us feeling a little sick.
Pat went to work in the afternoon so we went down the local hotel - it doesn’t sound right does it, so from now on I’m putting what it should be: pub. The beer in Australia is quite nice; I’ve been told by everyone it’s crap. When you go to the hotel pub you notice most Aussies don’t drink pints, they drink either halves or schooners (¾ of a pint), supposedly it’s because it gets warm. I reckon they just need to drink quicker. Whilst we were at the pub there was a singer on at 20:00p.m. She finally came on stage at 21:15p.m during which time Louise coerced me into drinking 12 schooners (the pub we went to didn’t sell pints). We watched her perform just two songs because Louise thought she was crap. We went home (not ours, Pat’s) and ate. I fell asleep in front of the TV because I was a little drunk.

SUNDAY 22ND FEBRUARY

Today we went to visit the local lighthouse, it was only a short journey and it passed the time. We got to the lighthouse and took a few pictures of the view. Wherever we’ve been along the northern coast of Tasmania the views are fantastic, the sea is blue, the sky is clear and you can see for miles(km’s if you’re Australian). Today was a little cloudy and cool but the view was still really good. When I turned around to get back in the car, there was a massive spider sat on the bonnet. I’m shit scared of spiders, especially Aussie ones of which I have no idea whether or not they’re dangerous. I spent the next hour watching its every move, conscious of where it was going to go and hide. It finally went under the bonnet, this made me paranoid of it coming through the air-con vents.
I also saw my first wild kangaroo today. It was dead on the side of the road. In total I saw 17 dead kangaroos 2 dead wombats/possums and 1 dead Tasmanian devil and approximately 500 sheep.

MONDAY 23RD FEBRUARY

Today was my least productive day since arriving in Australia. I sat in my shorts and watched Jaws (still my second favourite film of all time after The Exorcist) and then the ‘Oscars.’ There were no major surprises, least of all Heath Ledger’s posthumous award (OK it was thoroughly deserved but wouldn’t you have been pissed off if you were up for the same award knowing that HL was a shoe-in, even more so because he was dead.). I thought Hugh Jackman was really good as host, the Aussie press were lauding him up all week, so I was expecting him to be crap. Louise made a roast dinner for tea; it’s the first proper home cooked roast I’ve had in 4 months and it was immense.

TUESDAY 24TH FEBRUARY

It’s our last day in Wynyard, we’re heading for Hobart to visit a friend of Louise's she’d met while travelling four years ago. It has been really nice to have stayed in a real house with a person who’s not after your money. As a thank you, we took Pat out for dinner. It was the least we could have done as she saved us a couple of hundred quid just on digs. She said that we didn’t have to and reiterated that we were welcome back and the door would always open.

Australia, Finally! (12-16/2/09)

2009-02-26T03:30:00.006Z

THURSDAY 12TH FEBRUARY

Our bags are packed and we’re ready for Australia. First though we’re going to visit a volcano in the north of the island. After a two hour journey we finally arrive at the top of the mountains and we’re faced with a blanket of fog. Somewhere behind said blanket is supposed to be an active volcano. Having spent 15 minutes there and getting two pictures of what looks like the side of a hill we leave and head back via Ubud. There’s nothing to see as it’s pissing down there as well.
Back in Kuta we decide to pick up some tat and DVD’s for more rainy nights in. This turns out to be a little bit difficult as I only have 7 000Rupiah (43p) in my pocket and Lloyds TSB have cancelled both credit cards and both debit cards for the second time in three days, and we have a taxi to the airport in less than an hour.
So, we’re stuck in the middle of Bali with about enough change to keep a tramp from hassling you for five minutes and no way of getting any more. But wait! I hear you cry, what about the laptop and all the free wireless points? This is a no-go as all the wireless connections in the vicinity have gone down. Instead we spend the next 45 minutes looking for an internet cafe with Skype access. We find one and after Louise gives the bank a deserved ear bashing and spending 40 minutes trying to explain to them that you need to ring first before you stop our cards, Lloyds reactivate the cards and we have some money.
A twenty minute taxi ride and we arrive at the airport with an hour or so to spare. Check-in is pretty quiet as most people have turned up at the correct 2 hours before departure time. The ticket desk are taking an awfully long time to check us in. When I ask what the problem is, I’m told that we don’t have an Australian Visa. The day goes from bad to worse. When we booked our flights the company told us that when you book with us you get a free Australian Tourist Visa valid for 3 months. It only costs £10 but it’s better in my pocket than someone else’s. I explain this to the check-in lady using my English charm to the best of my ability with absolutely zero success. She’s not budging; I can go to Singapore, but no further. Now we have to fork out US$25 each for an Australian Visa that somehow lasts 12 months, yet in the UK you can only get a 3 month one. I think that we have been conned big time. The baggage finally goes through and we head off to our departure gate. Before we get there we have to pay 150 000Rupiah (£9) each, departure tax. In my wallet I have only 220 000R(£13) and S$16(£7) after I only withdrew 500 000R(£29) earlier. I give Louise enough money to get past the bastard in the box and I have to change S$14 to get enough Rupiah to pay my departure tax. This leaves us with 17 000R(£1) and S$2(94p) between us and 3 hours to kill at Singapore Changi Airport.
I officially hate Bali and I officially hate the Balinese immigration officers. It cost us US$25(£18) each to get in and US$14(£9) each to leave. All it did while we were there was rain.

FRIDAY 13TH FEBRUARY

We have a good flight in from Bali and arrive at Changi. Louise gets straight on the phone to our flight operator and demands an explanation as to why we had to pay for our Australian Visas. She gets one and a full refund.
We head through security and passport control; no problems whatsoever, and get on the plane. I tell the air steward about our shitty day, it does no good as my attempt to secure an upgrade fails due to H&S regulations and the credit-crunch (The airline get pissed when upgrades are dished out willy-nilly and it ends up costing them money.).
I still hate flying, but the flight to Kingsford-Smith Airport in Sydney is very pleasant and comfortable. Singapore Airways treat economy passengers very well. You get fed at least twice on long-haul and have plenty of films and TV programmes to watch. This is essential for a nervous wreck like me, I can watch CSI and Curb Your Enthusiasm to my heart’s content, without worrying if the plane is about to fall into the ocean.
We land in Sydney at 07:30a.m local time having been travelling for 15 hours. We are greeted by rain. Are you fucking kidding me? This is Australia. Last week it was 40C(104F) but as soon as I touch down the heavens open and Noah’s in business again with his Ark. Still at least it’s not Bali. A rather terrifying bus ride that lasted an eternity and we arrive at our hostel. It’s in the King’s Cross district of Sydney and is exactly the same as KC in London. It’s full of tramps, wino’s and prostitutes, but beggars can’t be choosers so we’re staying here in a 6-bed mixed dorm.
After getting unpacked and settled in we get mingling with our dorm-mates. There’s a guy from Scunthorpe named Alan, a German named Herman (Honest.), a Kiwi whose name I can’t remember simply because he was so boring. The final member of the dorm is an English lad from Milton Keynes named Mark, he appears from nowhere or so it seemed.
Me, Louise, Alan and Herman the German all go to the off-license to get some cheap(er) alcohol before we head out for the night. If you’ve never been to Australia then the alcohol and gambling laws are quite different to back home. All bars (they call them hotels for some reason) have the option to act as bookmakers and have gaming machines (pokies) on the premises, albeit in a separate room. They’re also allowed to act as an off-license. The only other place you can buy alcohol is the bottle shop (off-license) and these sell alcohol at about 70% of the price of the bars. It’s not much of a saving compared to the UK where you can get 54 cans of lager for the price of 8 pints in a pub. So although you can gamble big and get pissed all under one roof, you can’t get cheap alcohol at the supermarket. I don’t get it.
After stocking up on 2 boxes of goon wine we start our socialising. The night is a good one. Herman has to get up early for his Responsible Server of Alcohol exam, so after 10 glasses of goon wine he calls it a night. However, me, Louise and Alan head for town. It starts badly as me and Louise forget our ID, although I’m 27 and Louise is 32 it doesn’t matter, so we go back to the hostel and pick up our driving licenses. The rest of the night is pretty much a haze of alcohol, good music, photographs and take-away food.

SATURDAY 14TH FEBRUARY

The morning arrives and the room smells like stale beer. Everyone’s rough as arseholes except for Herman who’s remarkably cheery after passing his exam. Alan’s wet through as he left the window next to his bed open and it rained all night.
Louise and I decide to go and book some trips for later on in the tour of Australia. We have to travel through a soggy Sydney after the rain doesn’t relent. The travel agent we need to get to is on Bondi Beach and is a 45 min bus ride away because all the trains have been stopped for essential (sic)maintenance. When we arrive at Bondi and I’m surprised to see it’s a lot smaller than I thought. We can’t go as it’s still raining and we’re wrapped up in Gore-Tex. I won’t be swimming in the sea here anyway as there are too many sharks around. After repeatedly saying I won’t be going in the water before we got here, and Louise telling me to stop being stupid, a Navy diver got savaged and then two days later a surfer was attacked on Bondi (the first attack in 80 years). So I’m well within my rights to not be going in.
The evening is spent in on the phone catching up with what’s going on at home. Alan and Mark go out on the piss again, Herman watches a film, and I couldn’t give a shit what boring bollocks does, he’s so dull though all he did was sleep.

SUNDAY 15TH FEBRUARY

Mark and Alan woke me and Louise up at 06:00a.m. They came in pissed up after a night spent in the local Working Men’s Club after being refused entry to a nightclub for being too casually dressed!
We’re supposed to be going to watch the 20/20 international between Australia and New Zealand at the Sydney Cricket Ground (SCG), but it’s still raining and it’s not looking good. I’m hoping the sun comes out and we get to see the match. Louise is even looking forward to the game and she doesn’t even like cricket!
At 15:30p.m the rain stops and we decide to chance it and head towards the SCG. It turns out to be the right decision. The rain stays off for the next 8 hours apart from one 20 minute spell during the women’s warm-up game.
The game itself is a cracker. Australia win the toss and elect to bat. They score 150 off their 20 overs, I think they’re 10 runs short, but we’ll see. David Hussey top scores with 41 and Daniel Vettori is as tight as ever returning figures of 4-0-23-1, justifying his rank as the world’s number 1 20/20 bowler. I’m looking forward to seeing Brendan McCullum bat. I think he is the best and the most exciting batsmen in the world in this form of cricket. I was so confident in his abilities I had a sly AU$10 at 7/2 he would top score for NZ. NZ get off to a slow start, but are well within reach of the target having 7 wickets in hand and McCullum’s still at the crease. McCullum turns it up a notch with the help of Broome (36) and Elliott (23) putting the Kiwi’s in a good position. With 3 overs to go the Kiwi’s need 30 runs, not difficult in this form of the game. McCullum goes for a big hit over deep mid-wicket and gets caught on the boundary by Adam Voges. It is without a doubt the best catch EVER. Voges is right on the boundary edge and catches the ball, however his momentum is taking him over the boundary and if he still has the ball in his hands it will be a 6. Before he steps over the rope he throws the ball up, steps off the field, recomposes himself, steps back on the field and catches the ball diving slightly forward. I’d like to see evidence of a better catch but I doubt there is one. It will be shown on replays for a long time to come. I was there and I will remember it fondly.
That catch wins Australia the match as NZ can’t reach the target without Brendan McCullum’s input. Even a four and a six off the last two balls by his brother Nathan isn’t enough to see NZ over the line and they finish one run short on 149. Brendan McCullum top scored for NZ with 61 so I’m AU$45 better off.
Within two minutes of the players leaving the field the heavens open and we’re faced with a torrential downpour for the remainder of the night. I don’t care I’ve had a brilliant night and Louise is pretty happy as well.

MONDAY 16TH FEBRUARY

Today I thought we were supposed to be leaving Sydney and heading off to Tasmania. We’re not, it’s tomorrow. Luckily I checked the e-mails otherwise we’d be sat at the airport waiting for a plane that isn’t going to turn up for another 24 hours.
After realising our mistake me, Louise and Alan head out to the city centre (Mark left for NZ this morning.); the rain is still staying away for now. We walked to the harbour and had a look at the bridge and the opera house. I also saw all the Navy ships; it was here the first the shark attack occurred. When I come back to Sydney I’m going to climb the Harbour Bridge, Louise did it four years ago. I’m always going to be behind when it comes to things like this as Louise has visited most of Australia.
We didn’t spend too long at the harbour as the heavens opened again, so it was off to take shelter in the nearest pub/bingo hall/bookmaker/casino. While it rained for the next two hours we watched the Sydney southsiders get wet. The best part was watching the overhead train drench the people walking underneath the monorail track. It happened at least five times and got funnier with each successive drowning.
We got back to the hostel and were greeted by two new room-mates. We spent the next 4 hours drinking and getting ready for our last night on the town. We went to the only bar that was open and spent the next few hours drinking AU$6, 3 pint jugs. Bargain. After a few more ales and watching the English slappers losing their remaining dignity, we left. It was nearly 03:00a.m and we had to be out of the hostel at 09:00a.m.

WHO’LL STOP THE RAIN (2-11/2/09)

2009-02-26T03:13:00.005Z

MONDAY 2ND FEBRUARY

We got on the MRT early enabling us to make it to Changi Airport with plenty of time to spare. Our next stop was Bali, Indonesia. Hopefully we would be able to sit by the pool or on the beach and do nothing else. After a reasonably good flight (That’s about the best I can hope for, I’m still an extremely nervous flyer.) we arrived in Denpasar, the Balinese capital. We were greeted by a torrential downpour, not what I was expecting on the tropical island.
A short taxi ride and we arrived at the hotel in Legian beach; we were to be here for a week. The first room we were given had no internet signal and was at a separate complex to the restaurant and swimming pool, so we asked to move. This wasn’t a problem for the staff and they moved us immediately. The porter was very helpful with the bags, and with moving rooms without any fuss we thought that this was going to be a nice friendly hotel. We had a couple of drinks and went to get a few things from the 7-11(still open 24hours.)and went to bed early for a change, ready for a day on the beach.

TUESDAY 3RD FEBRUARY

Woke up to late and so we missed breakfast, instead we planned to go out and grab a bite to eat. This wasn’t possible as it was still belting it down outside. The rain lasted for about five hours so we ended up staying in the hotel room and watching a film or two.
Around 16:00p.m we eventually got out and went to check out the local sights and sounds. There weren’t many places open and there was hardly anyone about. The rain returned less than two hours after it had stopped so we went back to the room.
The evening was spent having a few drinks and watching a covers band at the hotel. They were ok; I’ve seen a lot worse, most of them now take up the UK top 40. Off to bed, hopefully the weather will get better tomorrow.

WEDNESDAY 4TH FEBRURY

It’s still raining. There are less people about and the room is starting to smell like backed-up drains. We had to stay in because there is nothing to do. Went for some tea and saw another good covers band. That’s it.

THURSDAY 5TH FEBRUARY

I got up at 04:00a.m to watch Liverpool lose to the ‘Dirty Toffees’ in the English F.A Cup. It went to extra time so I didn’t get back to sleep until 07:00a.m.
I woke up again at 10:00a.m and there was a nice surprise waiting outside: the sun had come out to play. About time, it had been raining solid for 3 days and the smell in the room was becoming worse. We went to check out the beach. It wasn’t a nice experience; because of the storms all the crap from the sea had washed up on the beach making it hard to even walk across. The only people who were about were the dedicated surfers, even though the sun was shining and it was by all accounts a very pleasant day. Instead we went for a swim in the hotel pool. This was a refreshing change from the four walls of our room.
In the evening, and after me putting a lot of pressure on Louise, we went out and had a couple of drinks. This turned into a few more and then about 01:00a.m it was home time because I was a little drunk.

FRIDAY 6TH FEBRUARY

I woke up with a rotten head this morning, I didn’t think I was that drunk. It must be all the chemicals in the Bintang lager. The rain has returned, worse than before. Because Louise feels as crap as I do we stayed in and watched Australia. I’m not the biggest fan of mega-budget blockbusters, I can take or leave Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman, and I thought Baz Luhrman’s version of Romeo and Juliet was shit. However this movie is awesome, the effects, the story, the location and the acting make it two and half hours well spent. All is forgiven Baz.
There was not much else doing apart from eating and a bit of interweb surfing. The rain’s starting to get on my nerves now, and the room smells even more. Although it’s pissing down outside, the humidity is high and the air-con hasn’t worked since Wednesday. We’re having to make do with a fan that’s blowing hot air around. I want to leave this hotel and go somewhere else. The staff aren’t bothered about us as we’ve paid for the room upfront.

SATURDAY 7TH FEBRUARY

The rain is still coming down. However it’s Saturday and that means a nice restaurant and a night on the town. * Although we’re travelling for a year and everyday is like a weekend when it comes to partying and going out on the town, we’re on a budget. In any case Saturday night is still Saturday night wherever you are. *
We went to a really nice restaurant for tea and then spent the next 8 hours getting slashed up. This wasn’t the best idea as I was supposed to take it steady as I wanted to watch Liverpool at 01:30a.m. I didn’t last, as anybody who knows me will testify, if I don’t leave when I’ve had too much to drink I WILL fall to sleep either where I’m sat or on the toilet.

SUNDAY 8TH FEBRUARY

Ow! My head hurts. Last night I’ve said something wrong to Louise and now she won’t talk to me. I need to eat and get some fluids in me.
As it was still raining I spent most of the afternoon sat in the pub watching the ODI between Aus and NZ. I was surrounded by Aussies so hopefully they’ll lose; I never want them to win cricket matches, the same goes for SA and India. It’s not because I’m racist, it’s because deep down I know they’re all better teams than England and sport fans are a fickle bunch.
I went back to the room to see if Louise would talk to me. After a lot of shouting on Louise’s part and apologising on mine, we finally sorted things. For my behaviour last night I was dispatched to buy KFC as punishment.

MONDAY 9TH FEBRUARY

Hooray! We get to leave this crappy hotel and go to what looks like a nicer one (on the interweb anyway) in Kuta. No apologies about the smell or the air-con not working. We didn’t even get any help with our bags.
The new hotel was very picturesque. There was a nice garden with a bar and the pool looked in decent condition. The room was very large, the air-con wasn’t the greatest but at least it worked to some degree. We had a little area to prepare food and a good fridge. There was only one English spoken channel on the TV, so hopefully the rain stays off and we don’t have to watch it.
We went to do a bit of shopping, it saves a fair bit of money if you’re staying somewhere for more than a couple days and you have the option of making yourself a snack. I tried to get an adapter for the plugs; the bloke wanted US$10. Ram it; I’ll do without for a bit longer.
I spent some of the afternoon having a bit of a swim and relaxing. It didn’t last too long though because low and behold it rained a bit more. This weather is really starting to piss me off. The evening involved getting food and then going back to the room to watch Yes Man, the new Jim Carrey Film. It is funny in parts, could be better.

TUESDAY 10th FEBRUARY

Not much happening. It’s STILL raining. We had to change rooms due to an invasion of ants. We stayed in and played LEGO® Indiana Jones on the PC. This is what my dream holiday has come down to; sitting in a crappy hotel room playing a game aimed at 5-15 year olds.

WEDNESDAY 11TH FEBRUARY

Fuck me! It rained so hard and for so long last night that the ceiling caved in. Now I want to leave this island. The staff at this hotel give less of shit than the previous hotel. With realising this we went to the airport and booked the next flight out of Bali. We’re going to visit a volcano tomorrow morning, and then we get a plane to Sydney, Australia via Singapore (for the third time this trip.).

HOW MUCH? (31/1-1/2/09)

2009-02-26T03:04:00.005Z

SATURDAY 31ST JANUARY

The bus journey at 08:00a.m, was very comfortable and quick, and got us to Johor in plenty of time. All you do when you arrive at the border is buy a bus ticket for about 20p and that takes you to the rest of the immigration points; all you have to do when you get there is smile and fill out the departure and arrival cards. The easiest border crossing I’ve had to negotiate. Louise on the other hand had to wait about half an hour for the immigration officer to fill out the cards for two Malaysians. That wasn’t really the problem; they were holding up a queue they shouldn’t have been in in the first place.
Finally we made it to the nearest SMRT to make a train to Al-Junied station. Easy. Welcome to Singapore, everything’s simple and everywhere is spotless. However, the only currency they take at the SMRT is the Singapore Dollar. No use then having about £75 worth of Malaysian Ringgits. If you go to Singapore use the MRT to get anywhere that’s more than a 20 min walk. It’s so cheap and clean, you’re not allowed to eat or drink inside the stations or the trains.
We made it to our hostel at around 14:00p.m, even though we went the wrong way for about 10 mins. The booking even said turn left as you exit the station, not, walk past the grass and turn left down the street.
An hour or so later we were showered and changed and ready to head out for the day. The first stop on the mini break was a visit to Raffles Hotel. The establishment itself is very exclusive when it comes to letting any Tom, Dick or Harry through into the foyer. I was wearing shorts; this automatically disqualified me from entering the building through the guest only entrance. I wouldn’t have argued if that was a fixed rule, but no more than one minute earlier a man in shorts had just vacated the building from said exclusive area: he wasn’t even staying there. It must have been my substandard appearance. We were eventually escorted round the corner to the long bar. Ok so the Singapore Sling was invented here in this bar, it doesn’t mean they should cost S$22(£10.48) each, they cost more than that though because we got a glass at S$10 as well. We drank that in pretty quick time, not sure if there was going to be a charge for loitering; they charged for everything else except the nuts so I wouldn’t have been surprised. Talking of nuts, that’s the best part of the experience, throwing monkey nut shells all over this five star hotels’ tiled bar floor. Everyone’s allowed to do it, even the ones in shorts. If it wasn’t already the most costly alcoholic beverage I’d bought in my life, I was intrigued to see what a S$18.50(£8.81) pint of lager tasted like. I can tell you that it was ok, but a £2.50 pint of Carling’s better.

So the final bar bill read like this:

2 x Singapore Sling S$44
1 x Raffles Glass S$10
2 x Tiger Lager Pint S$37
Service Charge @10% S$9.10
GST @ 7% S$7
Total S$107.10

S$107.10 for 4 drinks is a little extortionate, especially in these uncertain financial times and even more so because I really am not rich, even though I’m travelling the world (Hard work kids, it really pays off.). I advise everyone to stay away from this bar, unless you really can afford it (In which case go wild!), and especially if you’re not used to paying more than 3 quid a drink!
The spending for the day didn’t ease up. We went on a little cruise up and down the river. For nearly 20 quid it should have been longer than 30 minutes. Then we got collared by a restaurant on the quayside that offered us 2 free drinks each. We felt obliged to eat there. The attitude changed when we got a bill for S$80(£38). We only had 2 dishes and some rice. Anywhere else in Asia it would have been less than a tenner. I managed to get the tax and service knocked off with a little English charm; I’ve got that in abundance you know.
So after a very expensive day we went back to the hostel on the MRT. No problems; other than the fact I almost got in a fight with a prick with no manners who barged into me and a young Japanese girl whilst getting off the train. If you apologise I have no problems, but rudeness is intolerable.

SUNDAY 1ST FEBRUARY

After spending a ridiculous amount of money yesterday, the majority of the day was spent in the hostel, checking e-mails and the like. We did venture out for a bite to eat, but nothing of any interest happened if I’m totally honest.
The evening didn’t see much change. Long Dave finally got his webcam to work after 3 months of trying (Long Dave’s my best mate and rubbish with technological advances. It’s a little worrying because he drives a tower crane for a living.), so I could finally see who I was talking to. At 11:00p.m, we went out to watch the football. We couldn’t find anywhere other than a really expensive expat place. If it wasn’t buy on get one free it would have been S$16 plus tax and service of 17% a pint. We only had two drinks each, and with a taxi back to the hostel as it was 02:30a.m, it cost us the best part of £30.

WHICH BUS? (28-30/1/09)

2009-02-26T02:58:00.003Z

WEDNESDAY 28TH JANUARY

I had the worst sleep ever last night. This was due entirely due to the couple in the next room having the biggest row in the world ever. This wouldn’t really bother me except that the fella was a bit pissed by the sounds of it, and he kept throwing things and the woman sounded quite scared. If this wasn’t bad enough, they were arguing about me! At first Louise didn’t believe me. This quickly changed when I explained what had happened earlier on in the day. When I say what happened, there wasn’t anything that happened, it’s more of a none story to be honest. I was having a conversation with the woman, and then he (the husband) turned up in a towel, having just been for a shower. That was it, nothing more, nothing less. I wasn’t doing the deed with her or anything like that, I was stood in the doorway talking to her, and that was it. Eventually, around 02:00a.m, the sparring session stopped.
The next day I saw the husband. He didn’t even have the decency to look at me. I think he was slightly embarrassed by his actions. The green eyed monster gets people like that sometimes.
Later on that afternoon we left the city of Kuala Lumpur; our next destination was to be Melacca (Melaka). This was to be our last stop in Malaysia before we went to Singapore for the weekend. We arrived quite late in the afternoon at Melaka bus station. The terminal is about three miles out of town and unless you want to pay over the odds for a taxi, you have to get the local bus. This isn’t a problem for the locals. For a fat, white boy from England who speaks no foreign languages to anything above Mickey Mouse level (Je m’appelle David, Ich bin Lederhosonkopf ©J. McNally circa 1995. Anyway French and German would be no use here.), and whose English is riddled with colloquialisms and slang it was going to be harder than reading a Salman Rushdie novel.
After following the map we were given (It was more like a seven year olds version of a treasure map, rather than a Texaco road map.), and the six or seven people we spoke to, we finally got on the right bus (it was also the one we first wanted to get on, but were told no.). Another 45 mins on the bus and we were at our guesthouse. Very cheap, and almost cheerful, we were at our new home for the next 3 nights.

THURSDAY 29TH JANUARY

After getting up late, unintentionally mind, we went to see the town in the daylight. It is a very pleasant town to look at. There are a lot of places to visit in the old town, there’s a fair bit of history in the place. There are also a lot of different influences; there’s Portuguese, Dutch, British, Chinese and Indian. Whilst we were there it was mainly a party town for the Chinese immigrants, as it was still part of the New Year celebrations. We went around Chinatown, and it was very nice. There were people doing craftwork, a huge amount of food stalls, selling all the local delicacies, and lots of music. This is what I expected KL’s Chinatown area to be more like.
In the afternoon we went for a stroll along the river. Whilst we were having a drink, the Japanese family we met at KL City Park happened to walk by. Not only were they still very friendly, the young daughter was still going on about Bambi. My Japanese hadn’t come on leaps and bounds in the last three days; Bambi is still Bambi in any language.
In the evening I achieved another first in my life. Tonight I ate an Indian meal the traditional way for the first time, with my hands, (Well it’s really just one hand, your right one.) using a banana leaf as a plate. It was a strange experience but one I would definitely do again. Not at home mind you, there aren’t banana leaves in abundance, and I don’t think eating a Jalfrezi from the local Punjab Palace with one hand is going to be as easy, especially when you’ve just had 10 pints of cider.

FRIDAY 30TH JANUARY

Most of today was spent travelling to and from the nightmare that is the local bus terminal. It took us over an hour and a half to get there. This was because the bus stop we got off at last time suddenly became one that was no longer in use on the day we wanted. Then after walking along the bus route to see if we could pick it up, it drove past us with the conductor and the driver watching and waving at the pair of us. We had to get a taxi in the end.
We booked our bus ticket to Johor Bahru; it’s easier than going straight to Singapore. That took us all of five minutes. We then had to go back. Logical thinking suggests that the bus that you got two days ago would be the same one you’d get now, especially if it had the same number and it was at the exact same stop as the previous day. Oh no, that would be too simple. So having got on what we thought would be the right bus (I don’t know what we were thinking, getting on the bus with the same number that was departing from the same stop. Thinking logically that’s for fools.), and getting our ticket off the same conductor who had been waving at us no more than two hours ago. We were driven around Melaka for another hour, on a completely different route, seeing nothing that was familiar and getting a little worried. Finally we arrived at the rear entrance to the main shopping centre, completely oblivious to how we got here. My sense of direction is rubbish at the best of times, but I know I’d never been to any of the destinations on that bus route before. I think we might have had to get off the bus when around twenty people got off, I’m not too sure though, I still don’t speak Bahasa.
We had to then go to the post office and send home Louise’s box of tat that was getting bigger by the day. It costs an absolute fortune to send anything home from abroad, even by sea it cost us almost as much as the things we were sending home.
Not much else to be said about Melaka, it’s very nice and has plenty of history. If you do have the chance to go, do it, but avoid the bus terminal unless you speak the local language.

Higher And Higher (26-27/1/09)

2009-02-01T02:50:00.004Z

MONDAY 26TH JANUARY

In the morning we didn't have much planned, as we were waiting for the evening to visit the KL Tower, one of the two major icons of the city along with the Petronas Twin Towers. We did go to the city park that housed amongst other things, the biggest covered aviary in the world, a butterfly park and a deer park. It was supposedly just around the corner from the hostel but as I have come to appreciate, real concepts of time and distance are something to take with a bucket load of salt when being explained by locals.
We live in England, and I'm originally from Lincolnshire, and Louise is from Cheshire, both of which are very rural and have quite a decent population of deer. Louise said, 'But they're not city deer like these in the park.' 'No dear, they're not,' was my subdued response.
It took us about three hours to arrive at the deer park, having passed through or around the other, rather fetching, parks. After spending about half an hour, and going back and forth a couple of times, we eventually got in. On the way in we met a very nice Japanese family and ended up taking their daughter, who was more excited about seeing the deer than Louise, around the park with us. Mind you she was only about six and the only word that she said that I understood was 'Bambi.' She was a bit of a chatterbox, even her mother said so, and was insistent that she stayed the night with all the Bambi's.
Later in the early evening we went up the KL towers at 1 382ft (421 m) it is quite high, although a lot of that is the antenna. Louise's fear of heights came to a head again and it took her almost an hour to get to the edge and look out over the city. The view was pretty good, it was a clear day (except for the smog) and we got a fairly good look at the vastness of the city. There isn't much to see when you look at a metropolis like KL other than a lot of big buildings. There was the park where we were earlier, but it's better close up. KL is just too grey and not green enough.
Although we went around an hour too early and had to spend that time just sitting and waiting; if you went out you had to pay to go in again. We eventually got to see KL in the day time and night time. The night time is quite a sight. Just because of the amount of lights and the size of some of the buildings. It makes it look a bit like Christmas.

TUESDAY 27TH JANUARY

Today we went to the Petronas Twin Towers. It's free to get in (unlike the KL tower), but you have to be there stupidly early as it's on a 'first come, first served basis,' and there are only around 1 400 tickets, and that includes pre-scheduled trips for schools and the like. We arrived at 08:30a.m. We thought was early as they don't start giving out tickets until 09:00a.m. Oh no. When we got there there was around 400-500 people already queued up waiting and most of them were queuing for more than just their own ticket. We did get a ticket, but only just, our visit time was 16:15p.m, seven hours away!
During the ensuing wait Louise went to buy some bus tickets, for our next stop Melacca (Melaka). She said inside was absolutely mental as the holiday was nearing an end and a lot of people were leaving the city.
At 15;45p.m, we went back to the towers for our alloted time at 16:15p.m. There we were met by a ice lady who took our bags and gave us some 3D glasses, the sort you would get free with a 1950's American sci-fi magazine. They were not easy to wear especially when you have corrective lenses on underneath. The glasses were for a 7 min presentation on the building of the twin towers. This wasn't really what it was. It was more of a 7 minute advert for the oil conglomerate who put there name to the tower. After watching the adverts we then went to visit the sky bridge. On the way up to the 41st floor in the lift, Louise was already getting clammy hands and her heart was racing. The bridge itself is a stunning piece of modern architecture, and gives you some spectacular views of the concrete mass below. Although the twin towers are themselves 1 482.6 ft (451.9 m) high, the sky bridge is only 557 ft (170m) above ground. Inside the bridge it feels a bit strange knowing that there is nothing below you until the ground, but it is also quite a cool feeling. You have to be quick if you want to pose and take pictures as you only get 10mins inside. This isn't really long enough if you have to spend seven of those minutes trying to persuade your other half that it'll be OK if she stands by the glass, she won't fall out.

Even Mary and Joseph Got A Stable (23-25/01)

2009-01-29T12:38:00.007Z

FRIDAY 23RD JANUARY

Louise has an irrational fear of going up big hills, or across high bridges but doesn't mind flying. I'm the opposite. What a pair of freaks! At least we aren't going up a big hill today, eh! Today we went up Penang hill. To get there however you have to get the bus. It would be quite an easy thing to do if you got told to wait at the right bus stop. We waited for around 90mins before being told by a bus driver that our bus doesn't even come along this route at all; you have to go to the main station, which is only five minutes away, and the buses come every 10 minutes. On arriving at Air Itam you then have to wait for the train to take you up a massive incline for 1 mile 435 yds (2 007m) to Western Hill that is 2 450ft (735m) above sea level. There is only one line that goes up and down, except for about 40 yrds of track where the line splits and you have a passing loop, and then the trains carry on as before, either up or down hill. I understand that both trains have to leave within about 10 seconds of each other to arrive at the right time and avoid a collision.
When you get to the top (It takes about half an hour.) you get to see some pretty good views of Penang island. You can also see Butterworth, which is a fair distance away.There are also some more monkeys to stand and point at. Most of them sit in or around the bins scavenging for Nestle Milo packets. It must be all that chocolatey goodness mixed with sugar.
The return journey down the hill was a bit like the upward one but backwards. We did manage to see someone get on at one of the working train stops, which seems strange to people like me when you're not expecting someone to just be stood there on a platform 1 200ft up waiting for a train. We also saw the driver of the other trainmunching away on what looked suspiciously like fish 'n' chips in newspaper. It can't be that hard a job then.

SATURDAY 24TH JANUARY

Today we left Penang another early start 6:00a.m, to get to the Cameron Highlands. This is one of the greenest and most pleasant places to visit in Malaysia, it’s a little like Da Lat. This is only conjecture on my part as we didn’t get to see any of it. This was because it was Chinese new year and the whole town was full ,as all the city folk had gone back to there hometowns and filled up most of the guesthouses. There weren’t even any dorm beds available. The only room we could find was RM120 which is 24 quid a night and was absolutely disgusting.
We got on the next bus to KL which was at 13;00p.m, two hours away! We pottered about for a bit looking at the pictures of the Tea plantations that we wanted to visit but now couldn’t. Just in case we had the same trouble we went to an interweb place and booked a hostel, a bargain at 8 quid a night.
At the bus station we arrived early and then had to wait until 14:00p.m for the bus to arrive. Already one hour late the journey took us another six hours, this was mainly due to the driver stopping every time he could for what seemed no apparent reason. I didn’t really notice as I spent most of the journey catching up on my sleep.
We arrived in KL and were practically thrown of the bus on a main road. Arriving at our hostel pretty pissed off with everything that had happened, we were greeted by a very hospitable man who helped us with what we needed, and even gave us a better room.

SUNDAY 25TH JANUARY

Most of today was spent looking around Low Yat Plaza for a laptop. We thought it would be a good investment as most places that cater for backpackers have free wi-fi and we can also get some cheap films and spend a few more nights in, instead of going out and pissing money up the wall, for no benefit other than a massive hangover.
In the evening we went around Chinatown we were staying, expecting to see some parades and maybe a few fireworks or even some street dancers. This wasn’t too much to expect I don’t think, as Malaysia has quite a large Chinese population (as well as Indian), and it was Chinese New Year. It didn’t really materialise though, there was the odd little thing, but nothing to suggest that it was a major holiday. I think this might have something to do with most of them stopping in guesthouses in the Cameron Highlands.

Karma (21-22/01/09)

2009-01-23T15:28:00.004Z

WEDNESDAY 21ST JANUARY

Up and about bright and early after watching President (of the world) Obama's inauguration until Christ knows when. The bus was an hour late, so although we had to be outside from 7:30a.m we didn't have any breakfast, so I was starving and mardy (this is a word) until 10:00a.m. We were forced to sit on the back seat of a tiny minibus while all the Asian passengers got nice comfy seats. It would have been a lot easier for two of them to sit where we sat. They're tiny and I'm hardly anorexic. After a quick stop we were then moved into another minivan, this time it was 3 of us squashed into a tiny space. The bus driver was a complete and utter cock. He was shouting and bawling, telling us to do this and that and hurry up. If he'd have given us a bit of a helping hand it wouldn't have gone unnoticed, but he never. When we stopped to get on a third bus to get to the border, I was unloading my bags and with technical precision hit the driver in the bollocks with my rucksack. Good. Serves him right for being a complete knob all the way there.
The final leg of the journey was over the border and to Penang island. The border crossing was the easiest I've ever encountered. It took less than five minutes, including having to unload our bags that weren't even x-rayed. It would have been easy to smuggle whatever you wanted, the guards were on wind-down waiting to clock off. There were only four people on the bus, me and Louise, and two Canadians. These were, without doubt, the two most miserable people I've had the displeasure of meeting. One of them didn't even speak until about an hour before we arrived, we'd been on the same bus for almost 3 hours.
We finally got off the bus at 9:00p.m, and then we had to put our clocks forward another hour. We were hot, sweaty and in need of a shower. The first guesthouse we found we stayed at, all we were bothered about was getting out of a manky clothes. After a quick feed, we went to bed, hoping for a more productive day tomorrow.

THURSDAY 22ND JANUARY

We moved guesthouses first thing today. We need air-con, Malaysia is so humid. We had breakfast and then had a relaxing stroll around the town. It was still too hot so we ended up going into the local shopping plaza. Air-con-tastic.
We spent the best part of three hours walking around the Malaysian version of the Trafford centre. Most of it was just rubbish shops full of knock-off designer wear and overpriced electronics, I thought it was supposed to be cheap here for that sort of thing.
In the evening we went out for a nice meal and watched, in my opinion, the greatest pub caberet act in the world ever! They sung in Bahasa(official language) , one of many Chinese dialects and English. However, like many Asians they have difficulty saying r's, v's and w's. When they sung something that was on the karaoke in English, and they couldn't say it they just made it up. Pure pub act class. Later on we went back to the plaza and watched [*REC]. It's that Spanish zombie film, it's not that new but it was the unedited version and it scared the living shit out of me.
Went back to the guesthouse and changed my pants. Went to bed.

Welcome ToThe White Island Of Thailand (18-20/01/09)

2009-01-21T14:54:00.007Z

SUNDAY 18TH JANUARY

We decided to go to Patong beach today, on a scooter. At first we were going to have one each, but this idea was thrown out after about two minutes. Louise got confused by the basket on the front of the bike, it didn't turn (like it does on a pushbike), when she turned the handlebars so she was in fear of her life from that point on. After a lot of tantrums I decide it would be best if we only had one bike.
We arrived at Patong beach around 12:00p.m. and were greeted by a town that could have been taken from any 18-30 destination in Europe, but reminded me 100% of Ibiza. Welcome to chav central. Not only was there a major fast food company every other business, there were tattooists everywhere, and all the gypo gold you could want. We spent most of the day looking around in shops, to see if we could get anything at a half decent price. The only thing we managed to get was a dress for Louise, which was still overpriced.
I spotted a pub that sold proper pints, in proper pint glasses, so we treated ourselves to a couple, and the biggest basket of onion rings ever! Also saw the best Carlos Valderrama lookalike in the history of the world.
The evening I went for a pool competition at a bar back in Karon, and was told I was 24hours early. There wasn't much else doing really. In the morning we're going to Big C, which is like Big W or Walmart, to get Louise a swimming costume. What a waste of a morning that'll be.

MONDAY 19TH JANUARY

Went to Big C and Tesco Lotus. It took us the best part of two hours to find the place. It's supposed to be one of the easiest places to find on the whole island. We didn't find Louise a swimming costume either. Told you it would be a waste of time.
I spent most of the day catching up on this blog. Louise, in the meantime, was sat by a 4* hotel pool getting a tan.
In the evening I went in the pool competition, this time on the right day. I was drawn against the only player in it that was any good. The draw was made while I was in the toilet. Very convinient. It seems like the owner didn't want to have a youngster show up his regulars. I'm not Ronnie O'Sullivan, but after playing in the first match, and losing, I then had to watch six of the worst players ever. I mean they were proper shit. The bloke that beat me won it, but that's of scant consolation to me.

TUESDAY 20TH JANUARY

I again spent most of the day on the interweb, I was trying to find out why skype won't credit me for a voucher I got free with one of their headsets, but to no avail so far. Louise sneeked in to the 4* hotel again with a couple of girls she had met.
In the evening we went to the night market. It was more like the fair at home. It had hook-a-duck, a dart/balloon game, that game where you have to throw a ball at a target to make the pretty lady(boy) fall in the water and the hupla game. This was nigh on impossible as the rings were the same as the little rubber ones you used to have in P.E. and you had to get them over a free standing bottle of whisky. FIX.
At another market I got some new trainers for £12(I've just found out how to enter the pound sign on computers with no designated key. You have to type in &pound in HTML language. It's only taken me 10 weeks.). I was a bit pissed cos I got a similar pair in Saigon for £7(Look, twice in one paragraph.).
I went back to the guesthouse at around 11:00p.m. and Obama's inauguration was on every channel. I only wanted to see Springsteen but I think he'd already been on. I did see Aretha Franklin though and she was quite good. Went to bed. We're going to Malaysia at 07:30a.m. and it's more than a 12 hour bus ride.

I Should Have Bought More Money (12-17/01/09)

2009-01-20T10:12:00.005Z

MONDAY 12TH JANUARY

Went to Pantip Plaza in Bangkok to by a new camera as ours is rubbish. It took us almost 4 hours mainly due to me spending most of the time looking for a cheap laptop. I shouldn't have bothered, most of them were cheaper in England and not nicked. We did get a decent camera on the cheap though so all was not lost. We went to KFC. Whilst I was enjoying my chicken covered in a secret blend of herbs and spices, I thought I'd spoil myself and put some ketchup on my fries. Big mistake. I liberally covered my chips with tommy K, whilst at the same time covering most my shirt, trouser leg and shoe at the same time due to the massive hole in the side of the bottle. Wonderful.
We had spent too long at the shopping mall and it was now 17:00p.m. We had to get back to our guesthouse near KSR, pick up our bags and make it to the train station for a train to Surat Thani to get the boat to Ko Pha Ngan, all by 18:20p.m in the middle of the Bangkok rush hour. This was not going to be easy. Firstly we tried the bus; it would have been quicker to walk. We then hailed a tuk-tuk, and in pidgin English tried to explain what we had to do and that we had to do it fast. Somehow, after not moving for 20 minutes, we made it to the station with over half an hour to spare. We got ourselves settled on the train and I went to get some drinks. Inadvertently I got caught just as the national anthem started; this requires everyone to stand still and pay respect to the King, whether or not you're a Thai national. (This also happened in Chiang-Mai. Note to self: Do not go anywhere at 18:00p.m.)
We spent the night on the train talking to a three Scottish hairdressers. It was hard work. They weren't the most warming of people I've ever met (must be the cold in Scotland, eh!). It looked like I was going to get a decent nights sleep, as the beds were quite generous in size. This didn't happen, the KFC I'd eaten kept me up all night with gut ache. It was made that extra bit worse by the fact that there was only the Asian squat toilet, and I was on an express sleeper train.

TUESDAY 13TH JANUARY

We had been lied to again by a travel agent. They said we would be on Ko Pha Ngan by dinner time. There was a bit of scene on the boat. The boat ride to KPN takes over 3 hours and today was a particularly rough day on the sea. I don't think I've ever been on or in any vehicle where so many people have been travel sick at one time. A fair estimate of about 15% of the people on board were doing their Linda Blair impressions. My three favourites, in no particular order, were; a boy of about 5 who sat behind us and threw up constantly for the entire journey and was so sick it made his mum throw up as well; a girl who was all fine and dandy one minute and then all of a sudden spewed on her own feet; and a woman who was sat on the floor of the top deck with a yellow rain mac on (undone, hood up) with a carrier bag over her ears ready just in case.
After leaving the boat we were practically forced to get in a van, by the price fixing tuk-tuk Mafia, that would take us to Hat Rin for an extortionate 100B each.
Got a cheap room for 300B a night and went looking for something to do. It was cold and wet and there was no Moon Party (half, full, silver, black) of any description until Saturday, so most of the island was dead. Great.

WEDNESDAY 14TH JANUARY

Even though there wasn't much to do, there was no-one around, and the weather was shitty we thought we'd give the island a couple more days. We soon sacked that idea off after getting charged a fiver each for 85 mins of interweb time. The whole island is a rip off. The food is expensive, the beer is expensive and even the people who are there are complete tossers. If you do go, only go for a Full Moon and don't stay longer than a couple of days. Not recommended. Off to Phuket island instead.

THURSDAY 15TH JANUARY

We thankfully left KPN at 06:00a.m, not before seeing a typical English slapper trying to get a lift of some Thai bloke in exchange for a bit of 'how's your father.' The journey back to the mainland was smoother, for a start we were on a ferry not a fishing boat. It did take us until almost 19:00p.m to get to Phuket after stopping at a place that sold nothing other than overpriced junk food. We did meet a nice girl from York named Laura. We ended up staying at the same guesthouse as her and having a nice(cheap) meal in her company.
Not much else doing other than the fact I nearly pissed myself cos the cunt of a bus driver wouldn't stop to let me go to the toilet. I wouldn't have pissed myself, I'd have done it on the seats. Fuck him.

FRIDAY 16TH JANUARY

After doing a recce of Phuket town we decided to leave and stop at Karon beach instead. We got the bus for a very reasonable 30B. It dropped us off, unbeknown to us, at the wrong end of town. So we spent the next hour and a half walking back to where we'd just driven past, trying to find a cheap room. Not possible. On Phuket island the beaches of Kata, Karon and Patong are package holiday destinations, mainly frequented by Scandinavians, so this makes finding somewhere at budget price in the middle of high season very difficult. We did find a place, next door to where James and Carla recommended, that was an internet cafe first and foremost, but she rented her room out in the back for 500B (very reasonable for this area) a night. She also gave us free internet, which I have taken advantage of to keep this thing updated.
After settling in we got ourselves well acquainted with the area. It's not cheap, this is the place where you bring a thousand quid for a fortnight and spend it easily. Not really for backpackers.

SATURDAY 17TH JANUARY

Karon has a vey nice beach, so we decided to spend most of the daylight hours there. I finished reading yet another book, (The Cocky Watchman. It's about Curtis Warren the biggest drug smuggler ever caught in Britain. He makes Howard Marks look like a choirboy.) and laid about trying to get some kind of tan. On the way back we popped into the 7-11 and got ourselves a bottle of Kopparberg Swedish cider, my poison of choice at home, but not here its 2 quid for 330ml. In the evening we went out for the most English meal possible: Sausage egg and chips, with HP sauce and two rounds of bread. Delightful. Then I went to watch the scum and Chelsea both win in the last minute. Bastards. Going to Patong tomorrow on a scooter. I wonder what it's like?

Sorry! (10-11/01/09)

2009-01-20T09:06:00.005Z

SATURDAY 10TH JANUARY

Today was my sisters' 26th birthday, the fact that she's never home and she doesn't have skype makes it very difficult to get hold of her, still I tried. The plan for today was to take it easy as we had a long trip back to Bangkok tomorrow, so no heavy drinking.

OOPS.

I got completely shitfaced. I only wanted to go out and watch the Liverpool/Stoke game, but it wasn't on til 00:30a.m so I was having a few drinks while I waited. These few drinks turned in to the heaviest session of the trip so far. I do remember meeting the man that is Rhys Kingdom again, still on the hunt for fresh meat, and also an Aussie named Chris Frankish who I'd previously met while waiting for a bus in Hoi An. Louise told me that I spent most of the game talking to him whilst drinking my bucket of rum and coke through a straw. That's probably the reason why I couldn't recall anything of the game.

SUNDAY 11TH JANUARY

It was 06:00a.m, and I'd had less than 3 hours sleep and it stunk of sick in my room. It might have something to do with the huge pile of sick on the floor and my side of the bed. I managed to somehow get up and was just about able to shower and dress myself in time for the bus. I said my goodbye's to the staff at the hotel. I couldn't apologise to the maid (which I shall do now: sorry) who would have to clean up after me as I was unable to find her mainly cos I was still pissed and totally disorientated.
The bus was about 20 seats overbooked and it took 8 hours to get to the border on the worst roads ever. So bad in fact are these roads, that most of the time people drive on the dirt because it's a smoother ride. I felt sick and hungry and it was about 86F(30C) so I was baking and sweating. It wasn't an enjoyable experience. It then took us two hours to get through border control, which, even by Cambodian standards, is a long time.
We finally got on the Thai side and our driver put his foot down, (In Cambodia if they drive more than 40mph you're making good time.) it was 16:30p.m and we should have been in Bangkok by 18:00p.m. No Chance. I also had to stop and throw up at a service station. I've only been sick like this once before in my life.
We arrived In Bangkok around 19:30p.m. and went to the first guesthouse we came to. It had a bed, a hot shower and a T.V.
Job done.
Food, and then bed.

Angkor (So) Wat (07-09/01/09)

2009-01-20T07:43:00.006Z

WEDNESDAY 7TH JANUARY

Woke up around midday with a bad head, so I had to go out and get some stodge. After eating huge quantities of food I slobbed around in a bar with too much of a hangover to drink and got talking to two English couples. So engrossed by the conversation we conveniently forgot to meet our tuk-tuk driver who was going to take us to Angkor Wat for sunset. Later on I decided I could handle a couple of beers, big mistake. All it did was make me feel sick for the rest of the day. Went back to the guesthouse to sleep, ready to get up refreshed for another try at sunset tomorrow.

THURSDAY 8TH JANUARY

Not much happened in the day, got up, showered, ate and waited for 4:00p.m to arrive so we could go and watch sunset.
It was a bit of an unsteady journey, 5 miles on unpaved roads, which is a bit of a surprise simply because of the amount of visitors it gets. After paying the $20 fee each we were then told we had to walk up some hills to get to our vantage point. It's a decent view, quite high up and that, but you don't see sunset over Angkor Wat, you can only see sunrise, so it is a bit of a con. I was there with Louise and one of the couples we met yesterday, Tim and Kat.

* PLEASE NOTE THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IS A TRUE ACCOUNT OF WHAT HAPPENED. IT IS NOT MADE UP.*

As the sun was setting it was quite a nice view (of the airport), I even took a couple of touristy pictures, but it wasn't breathtaking or an amazing feat of science or nature. What occurred next was something that will stick with me forever in my memory as one of the dumbest things ever to have happened. The sun disappeared and it went a little darker (as it would), then, as if there was a floor manager directing the audience, everyone barring me, Louise, Tim and Kat started a rapturous round of applause. We stood there stunned, mainly because we thought we had missed something, had someone just given birth?
What is the world coming to when people clap the sunset. If you did that alone in your garden at home and one of the neighbours saw you, you'd be carted of to the nearest nuthouse. What makes it OK because there's a couple of hundred people stood there doing it? Was everyone in that crowd really that much of an imbecile? I imagine so. These are the sort of people that still point at cars.

FRIDAY 9TH JANUARY

We got up nice and early to visit the world renowned Temples of Angkor, this involved another trip along the unpaved roads, not good for the haemorrhoid's. When you get there, what you get is hassled by people selling overpriced food and drink and tat. It ruins the experience when you're there just to enjoy what is often cited as 'The 8th Wonder of the World.' The architecture is stunning. The amount of time it took and the limited tools and equipment they had make it more amazing, but this doesn't change the fact that the Temple itself is in a bit of a state. There are lots of renovations going on and a fair bit of blue tarpaulin covering the worst bits, so this spoils it immensely. In my opinion it would be better to limit the number of visitors and let it fall to pieces over time. This won't happen though, simply because it is the number one reason people go to Cambodia. We only spent about 45 minutes at Angkor Wat because there where too many people begging inside (Khmer's get in free, so it's easy done.). The fact that Japanese tourists give the parents money to have their picture taken with the children (At one point we saw a baby getting smacked for crying because it didn't want to pose for photos.) does little to discourage them from begging. We spent the rest of the afternoon looking at some of the other temple grounds, Bayon and Angkor Thom and the one where much of Tomb Raider was filmed. These were more enjoyable because not everyone went to them.

The (Rhys) Kingdom of Angkor (04-06/01/09)

2009-01-20T05:50:00.004Z

SUNDAY 4TH JANUARY

We decided to leave the ghost town of Kampot for good, and head up to PP for one night and then on to Siem Reap to visit the mighty Angkor Wat. We made it back to PP after a non discript journey of little note. Having arrived around 13:30p.m, we decided to skip the stopover and head straight to Siem Reap. This did however mean about 14 hours of bus travel, but we carried on nonetheless.
After what seemed like an eternity, and having stopped at another Khmer 'Little Chef', we finally entered the last leg of the journey. Around this time the bus conductor (Not a bus conductor in the English sense. He was just a scruffy bloke collecting the money.) decided to put on the T.V. I wasn't paying much attention to what was being shown, but after 10 minutes of incessant laughter from about 40 Cambodians, I started to. I was watching what I can only describe as a cross between the Chuckle Brothers, Benny Hill and Mr. Bean. It was awful. However the locals were loving it. They were pissing thereselves laughing while I was sat there wishing I had something to throw at the T.V. Something large enough to destroy it beyond recognition. Something like a moose or an equally large North American mammal, or maybe just a North American as they weigh about the same.
When we arrived at Siem Reap a guy named Mr. Hay came on the bus and as we were the only westerners on the bus we automatically got his undevided attention. He offered to take us to a nice hotel that was a good price, so we reluctantly agreed as it was dark and he seemed genuine. It turned out he was genuine and he got us in the hotel at $9 a night, which was within our budget. He did tell us not to mention how much we'd paid to any of the other residents as they were paying $25 a night. I later verified this by rather nosily looking over a womans shoulder at her bill.

MONDAY 5TH JANUARY

Today involved:

Getting up
Scratching
Watching T.V
Scratching
Washing Hands
Eating
Scratching
Showering
Watching T.V and Scratching
Riding A Tuk-Tuk
Eating Tea (Dinner If You're Posh)
Going To Sleep
Snoring

TUESDAY 6TH JANUARY

After the strenuous day yesturday we decided to go out for a wander around the town. Siem Reap is rather nice. Everyone is happy and they try to please all the time. We just chilled for most the day, taking in some of the towns bars and restaurants. We went back to the guesthouse at dusk to get changed as there are loads of mosquitos and short sleeves isn't recommended if you don't have any DEET spray.
Later in the evening we went out with the sole intention of getting food and having a couple of drinks. It turned out to be no food and lots of buckets of rum and coke. At $5 a bucket it wasn't much of a contest. We met a few people we'd seen around on this trip, most notably a Welsh lad named Rhys Kingdom, who just drank a lot and chatted up anything in a skirt. What a great bloke. He ended up going off pissed as a fart and leaving a bucket of Vodka and M-150, which is like red bull but has the consistency of cough medicine and the the effects of speed. I found this out later; having drank the whole bucket to myself I was wired and wide awake watching Spurs v Burnley live at 04:30a.m. No more.

Please Don't Go (Here) (01-03/01/09)

2009-01-19T09:27:00.005Z

THURSDAY 1ST JANUARY (NEW YEARS DAY)

Louise felt a bit better around 13:00p.m, after being not at all well due to the gone off pate, we both made it out of our room together for the first time in 2 days. She wasn't feeling all that well so we only ventured as far as an English bar about 100yrds from our guesthouse. It turned out to be a bit of a false dawn as we had to go back to the room an hour or so later. We did though still manage to have pork chops for dinner, which was nice. Due to the fact that all Khmer businesses have cable tv it didn't turn out all that bad. Louise however still ended up staying in bed most the evening. We did go out again later to find a travel agent that could get us to Kampot tomorrow, it is after all only an hour up the road, Louise was fed up being in bed by the beach when she was unable to get there. Then went for some tea at what can only be described as a sleazy sex bar, patronised by old westerners with young Khmer girlfriends.

FRIDAY 2ND JANUARY

We arrived in Kampot expecting to find a nice quaint little south-coast town where not a lot happens. What we found was a quaint south-coast town where nothing happens. No matter where we went or what we wanted to do, it was impossible to find anything to do other than eat expensive food. There weren't even any pubs or bars of any sort, and the only attraction was the river (which is pushing the meaning of attraction a little far.) or the Vietnam-Cambodia friendship monument, which looks a bit like the market cross in my hometown of Grantham, Lincs. I'm glad we came here.
In the evening we planned our escape. This involved us getting on the bus to Kep, 20 miles up the road. Also saw a rat as big as a Jack Russell; the dog breed, not the former Gloucestershire and England wicketkeeper (non-cricket fans wikipedia him), although many, including me, would say there's not a lot of difference.

SATURDAY 3RD JANUARY

Our departure to Kep began at 12:30p.m, we weren't really that rushed, it was a steady enough drive. Kep is described in the lonely planet (I use this as a guide, I don't follow it to the letter as many people do.) as .............."a seaside town still harbouring the remnants of civil." and " (King Sihanouk's) ritzy playground." It's not that glamourous. Now I know why people only go here for the day its crap. To me it's a place where boring people go to look at nothing. Even the nearby 'Rabbit Island' and 'Snake Island' have nothing to do other than sit around on. We thought we would still try and get somewhere to stay, even if it was just so we could watch Macclesfield v Everton in the F.A Cup (Louise is from Macc originally.). More chance of plaiting fog. The only place in the entire area that had cable was $25 a night. With this in mind, and after much deliberating we decided to do the only thing we could and return to Kampot.
What a mistaker to maker! We arrived back in Kampot after dark, having sat and read in a restaurant by the beach for 3 hours having carried our things around all day for nothing. We went back to the hotel we'd stayed at the previous night to be told they had no rooms left, so we just went to the nearest one which cost $15. With what it had cost us to go to Kep, what we spent there and the cost of the hotel back in Kampot, we should of stayed in Kep. Even though our hotel in Kampot had cable and the advertised game all week had been Macc v Everton, we managed to get the Newcastle v Hull game and it was 0-0. Not happy at all.

I've Never Seen A Tobey Maguire Film (29-31/12/08)

2009-01-19T06:30:00.016Z

MONDAY 29TH DECEMBER

Today is our last day in Pnomh Penh so we decided to have one last look around. We didn't really see much in the day that we hadn't already, so at night we went to the casino. I persuaded Louise to go, it could be our Christmas treat I said. She agreed and so off we went in the tuk-tuk. When we arrived it wasn't much cop, lots of rich Khmer's and lots of Japanese (Surprise!). We thought, 'OK we'll give it an hour.' We didn't last that long. When you go to a casino, it is of paramount importance that you take some money. We arrived there with about $20 between us and there wasn't a single ATM within 2 miles, just some Moneyscam exchange bureau's that charge you 5% on your credit card and give you a crap exchange rate on top. We left.
After our $8 tuk-tuk ride around PP in the dark, we arrived back at our guesthouse about an hour after we'd originally left. We sat ourselves down and had a drink, talking about our wasted evening, when we saw the young girl we'd talked to a few times still out selling books. We asked her why she was still out at 10:00p.m, why wasn't she home in bed. She told us that although she was very tired (I'm not at all surprised. The books that she was carrying weighed around 20lb and she had the physique of a 10yr old even though she was almost 14.), she hadn't sold enough books to pay the family bills. Her father had had one of his legs blown off by a landmine and her mother was also disabled, so this meant that she was the only person able to work and earn money. We sat her down and bought her a coke, and spent the next hour teaching her how to write some basic English phrases and words. She was quite fluent in English but she was unable to write much beyond her name and 'how are you?' I then taught here some French words that I could remember from school, such as months and days etc. She had spent around 90 mins with us and filled around four sides of paper with words and phrases that we'd taught her. Although it was around 11:30p.m, she was insistent that she had to go and sell some more books. We told her there was very little point as there was almost no-one around other than us, and she had to be at school at 7:30a.m. She was still saying that she wasn't allowed home yet (probably for fear of a beating off her father, unable to work but still able to thrash his young daughter.), so Louise gave her a $10 bill and said 'Go home and get some sleep.' The shock and surprise on her face was a picture. I don't think anyone had ever just given her money for the sole reason that she should go home to bed. I hope that in the future somebody else is a little generous to her but I won't be holding my breath.

TUESDAY 30TH DECEMBER

Away to Sihanoukville today for some NYE partying on the beach. The bus journey was nothing to behold, just bumpy roads and rest stops at the most overpriced place on the highway. Imagine Little Chef but not as good, and replace deep fried sausages and bacon with deep fried cockroaches and tarantulas (True!).
We thought that we'd get to SV the day before NYE because it would be easier than arriving on NYE. Oh how wrong we were. It took us:

2 1/2 hours
25+ viewings of guesthouses/hotels/hostels
9 miles travelling back and forth
$14 in taxi/motorbike charges

before we found a reasonably priced hotel that was 50yards away from the bus station at which we'd arrived almost 3 hours prior. Oh joy of joys. The guesthouse was good for the $14 a night we paid as it had cable, which can turn out to be a good money saver when you're on a budget. We did little else for the rest of the day as we were psyching ourselves up for tomorrow nights festivities and an excuse to get completely bollocksed on beer and gin.

WEDNESDAY 31ST DECEMBER (NEW YEARS EVE)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Louise is ill with the shits after eating pate that had been left out. There cannot be a God. This is the third New Year's Eve in a row that we will be unable to go out, due to either Louise being ill like this year and 2006, or like 2007 when we both had to go to work.
What's on Star Movies? Ooh. Spiderman 3.

HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR.

The Orphanage (28/12/08)

2009-01-10T08:14:00.001Z

SUNDAY 28TH DECEMBER (PART 2)

This was probably the best thing I've ever done in my life. Not only did it make me feel good (this wasn't why I did it.), but it also made everyone else feel really good. I am talking about visiting the lighthouse orpanage (http://www.lighthouseorphanage.co.uk/) in Pnomh Penh. This could be the most depressing place in the world if you wanted it to be, but it turned out to be completely different. We arrived there early afternoon after going round the market to buy rice and fruit for the kids. We were told that this is very much appreciated as there is no government funding whatsoever for this orphanage, so it relied solely on donations. We pulled up in Elvis's mean machine expecting to be greeted by kids rushing to attack us and see what we had bought them. This was not the case. Not only did they not rush us, they waited for us to give them the gifts that we had. It was a complete contrast to what we had expected it to be, the kids were extremely polite and remarkably happy. We spent around 4 hours there playing volleyball and football and seeing where they slept and ate and attended classes. There were 60 boys and 32 girls aged between 3 and 17 sleeping 16/17 to a same sex room. They all went to school half in the morning and half in the afternoon, with the other part of the day spent learning 4 languages, Khmer, English, French and Japanese. These kids are absolutely amazing and most of them had been abandoned rather than orphaned, which was a little disheartening to hear. We didn't want to leave in the end and all the children wanted us to stay and play some more but we had to. We promised to visit again and we intend to keep that promise but we don't know when it will be. I have to admit that when I left, I did shed a few tears and that is something I am not ashamed of in the slightest.

Un-Happiness Is A Warm Gun (26-28/12/08)

2009-01-06T10:08:00.002Z

FRIDAY 26TH DECEMBER (BOXING DAY)

Why is it called boxing day? Answers on a postcard to the usual address.
We went on a trip today to the Cu Chi tunnels about an hour outside of HCMC. This was where Charlie and the rest of his Commie mates used to hang out trying to shoot Uncle Sam and his boys. It was a still a little bit biased towards the North Vietnamese. To me it seemed like I was watching a propaganda film to be honest. Whilst there you get to run around in the tunnels. These tunnels are 30/35/60/110yds long depending on how far you want to go. I thought I'd have a go. By the way they're only 3 ft high as well. It was hard work if I'm being truthful, even harder than the assault course on the Krypton Factor, and it is really hot. I only managed to go 30yds due to the fact I thought it would be a good idea to record it while I went along (first time use of night vision mode on the camcorder.). I came out at the other end caked in dust and muck and wheezing like a good 'un. To make myself feel a little better I went and sat on a tank. I also went to shoot an M-16 as well. At 80p a bullet I couldn't afford many. As it goes it wasn't the best experience. This is mainly due to the fact that I am a left handed shot and all of the guns (there was quite an arsenal.) are set up for right handers. For those of you who don't know much about guns; if I was to shoot left handed with a right handed gun, the empty shells would ricochet into my already piss poor eyes. I went to pick up the gun and straight away burnt myself, as I picked it up on the wrong part and it had been fired for about three hours already that day and so it was about 75C (167F). So there I am ready to fire this gun, burnt hand an' all, holding it like a right special, trying to look through the sight with my right eye (that can only read the top two lines on an opticians chart.) and shooting wildly at something I can't really see. If I was in charge I'd have said, 'Sorry mate can you come back with your carer, just so we're sure about letting you do this.' Louise had a go and did better than me. So I was pissed off and burnt.
Later on we spent almost four hours in the Ho Chi Minh War museum. This is one of the most interesting places I've visited in my 8 or so weeks away. It details both sides of the war and shows in graphic detail the death and the suffering that occurred on all sides. Some of the worst pictures were those of the massacre that took place in the hamlets of My Lai and My Kai of Son My village. And also the after effects of napalm and Agent Orange bombings. It did also piss down again all afternoon. While we were sheltering outside we met the nicest woman in the world named Pat, from Tasmania. Literally within five minutes of meeting her, she gave us her address and both phone numbers and said that we could stay there for free if we wanted as she would only be at work and the house was empty. Now why isn't everyone that nice.

SATURDAY 27TH DECEMBER

Off to Phnom Penh, Cambodia. This was gonna be an arse ache from the minute we left, because of all the easy going border officials. Turned out to be harder than that. We got on and off the bus three times, first time we were standing there like dicks for 45 mins whilst the passport controller was chatting up the tour guide off of our bus, and the second time we got on the bus to travel 50yds. Brillo!
Arrived in Phnom Penh and spent over an hour looking for a guesthouse with a bloke named Elvis. Finally got one in the backpacker place by the lake. We immediately forgot this when we went walkabout. We walked the wrong way through town and ended up in the slums. Hailed a tuk tuk and forgot we were staying and so it took us 20 mins for a 5 min journey. At night I got drunk and spent $20 playing and losing at poker. Also saw a scouser get his arse kicked by some locals after saying he could beat them all. Even though it was 4 or 5 on one he deserved it for being a cock. Got offered loads of weed at $2 for a massive sackful and all the opium I could wish for for next to nothing.

SUNDAY 28TH DECEMBER (part 1)

Went sightseeing today with Elvis! That's the name on his helmet and his business card so that's what we called him. We went to the scene of some of the most heinous crimes in the history of civilisation. For the uneducated ones amongst you I am obviously talking about The Killing Fields at Cheoung Ek. This is where the Khmer Rouge executed about 17 000 people between 1975 and 1979. Mass graves containing 8 895 bodies were discovered here after the fall of the Khmer Rouge. As you enter there is a five tier cabinet inside a Buddhist stupa containing 5 000 human skulls and bone remains. It's a bit graphic to say the least, when they uncovered the remains some of them still had the blindfolds on. Later on we went to Tuol Sleng prison. It is a bit dilapidated after the government stopped funding 2 years ago, but there are some really amazing artefacts and photos to look at. They say between 17 000 and 20 000 people were held prisoner here over 4 and a half years and only 12 people survived. Most of them were moved to the countryside or killed at Cheoung Ek.

Christmas Time (Mistletoe and Whine) (24-25/12/08)

2009-01-02T09:15:00.001Z

WEDNESDAY 24TH DECEMBER

Today is Christmas eve believe it or not. At 28C it seems like the height of English summer. Today we've decided to go walkabout to see what the city's really all about. We managed to walk about 6 miles in a massive great circle. We were mainly looking for somewhere to have a proper Christmas dinner, after working the last three it would be nice. We didn't succeed which was a right bitch as I was gagging for some turkey and roast tates. We did get a bit more tat for the collection and we also stumbled across ( I say stumble, you could hardly miss it.) a 40ft high by 80ft wide snow scene in the centre of the city. And guess who was there with their bastarding camera. Correct. Mr. and Mrs. Rich Jap. Went out for dinner at around 8p.m, just about the time Viet Nam played Thailand in the first leg of the final of the ASEAN Football Championship. We didn't think much of it whilst the game was on (I automatically had one eye on it.), we just sat and ate. After a couple more drinks we walked towards the centre of town where it was complete and utter mayhem! Viet Nam had won and the city was going wild. There were about 10 000 people on their scooters, up to 4 at a time, honking their horns and going crazy waving flags and chanting and screaming. We were stood watching for about 40 mins with no let up in the celebrations. Louise then went back to the room and got the camcorder, and returned 20 mins later and they were still at it. Imagine what it was like when Spain won the 2008 Euro's and you'd still be miles out. They hadn't even won it yet there was a second leg to be payed on the 28th. What a wierd night.

THURSDAY 25TH DECEMBER (CHRISTMAS DAY)

Christmas Day and Santa bought me fuck all, except for the guitar I'd already bought in Viet Nam. I lost track of most days leading up to today as I didn't have any miniature chocolates to eat. We went out for one last try to get a proper dinner, but it was to no avail. This was mainly due to the fact that we stopped to try another new beer at a street vendor and it proceeded to piss down with rain for the next two hours. So there we were in the South Viet Nam heat, sweating like a couple of bush pigs under a tarpauline, that you could fit about six people under, getting our ear chewed by a thoroughly boring and rich Canadian, trying to shelter from a torrent of rain. Merry bloody Christmas! After the rain eased we walked around town and had a few more drinks and still no turkey dinner. I sent a few texts home to people, but only half of them replied, the tight bastards, it costs me 49p a go. We made it back to the street we were on, when in decided to piss it down for the rest of the night. We'd seen rain for 10 mins in our entire 8 weeks away and then it pisses down on Christmas day. We did eventually have a Christmas meal of sorts. Mine consisted of rice ( a-fuckin-gain) and prawns, and Louise had chicken and vegtables and rice. We ate in the company of a Spaniard named Javier and a Polish girl named Zuzia, both of them had been teachers in China.